Kris

I watched the clouds outside the window, only this time I was above them. The sun was shining onto the top of the blinding white clouds, from here it was hard to tell if it was raining underneath. That’s how it always is. On the surface the clouds stretched over the sky like thick marshmallow waves, strong but soft and bright. The sun glinted off the metal wing of the plane as we turned and slowly descended into the cloudy depths. It was hard to see as I looked out the small and foggy oval window, but as we got lower the colour got darker. The white had faded into dark grey and, of course, it was raining underneath. That’s how I felt.

It probably isn’t very appropriate to break down in an aeroplane, so I just sat back and flattened out an empty bag of peanuts.

The old man next to me grunted in his sleep at the noise. I sighed and checked my watch. Still had thirty minutes before we landed. I stared at my watch for a little longer, watching the second hand tick silently by as my mind wanders back to the person who gave me the watch. The person who I should be trying not to think about right now as it causes my throat to go dry and anxiety to rise up in my stomach. The person who is the whole reason I’m on this aeroplane.

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, I decided maybe it was better to do something productive or at least as productive as you can be on a plane. I took out my wallet and checked that all my cards were still in place, especially the purple one. That was important. It was my savings, the savings I was using right now to get to China. I counted my coins and wondered if I had enough for another pay-phone call when we landed.

I remembered my last call, and I ran through what I said in my head. I couldn’t remember all of it, I just remember the hurt and the frustration and the worry I felt, and all the cursing, of course.

All the things that appear when I think of Tao checking in the airport alone, looking around to make sure I hadn’t followed him.

When I imagine him struggling to hold his heavy bag, and having to reposition it on his arm as the straps began to make a red mark on his skin.

When I see him sitting alone by the departure gate, knees knocking nervously as he checks the screen every five minutes.

I pulled down the tray from in front of me and buried my face in my arms. I shut my eyes tight and breathed out. The lady walking down the aisle with the rattling trolley didn’t try and sell me any coffee or any more peanuts, she probably thought I was asleep like the stranger next to me was.

The announcement jingle sounded throughout the plane and the old man next to me snorted awake. The pilot told us that we were about to land and that we should fasten our seatbelts again, and that it was around ten at night in China right now. I hadn’t taken my seatbelt off anyway.

Tao didn’t like removing his seatbelt either, he didn’t like the plane toilets and he was scared that the plane would tip as he walked down the aisle. I imagined him sat like me, strapped into the seat securely, looking at all the strangers around him, then clutching onto the armrests and closing his eyes as the plane descended. Usually he’d grab my hands and hold them tight, and I’d smile as he’d tell me that he doesn’t like the feeling in his stomach as the plane goes down because it felt like he was falling off a cliff and as we’d step off the plane I’d whisper in his ear that we we’re home, and he’d turn to me and tell me that anywhere was home as long as I was there with him.

Tao

The house still looked the same, one story, old and traditional. I walking through the gate but stopped a moment and looked up as it started to rain, the small white dot of an aeroplane was creating a whiter line across the grey.

“Tao, is that you?” said a familiar voice, though I hadn’t heard it in so long.

I turned to see a feminine figure at the doorway, clad in dress and apron.

“Yes, Ma, it’s me. I had to get a later plane. I’m really sorry,” I said as I hitched my bag up on my shoulder and walked down the path, the droplets of water slowly flattening down my black hair.

“Well, it’s a little inconvenient for you to be late but at least you got here,” she sighed and signalled for me to follow her inside. I took off my shoes and my jacket and followed her. The inside was the same as well, it still smelt of cooked rice and strong-scented flowers.

“Welcome home son,” my father said as he sat at the table and sipped something from a mug.

“Yeah...” I bowed and drifted off as a blurry memory appeared in my mind. A strong cold wind, a tall figure, a whispered voice.

“We’re home.”

I shook my head, my vision disappearing as fast as it had come.

“When do I go to Grandfathers?” I asked politely. The picture of my father sat at the head of the table was quite intimidating. He cleared his throat and asked me to sit down. I did so and I set my bag down. I could see my mother pick it up from the corner of my eye and probably take it to where my old bedroom was.

“You aren’t going to your Grandfathers,” he said coldly as he set his mug down.

I was shocked, but I stayed silent and waited for him to carry on. I’ve learnt the hard way not to interrupt him.

“Your Grandfather isn’t sick, we lied to you.”

His words stabbed me like a blunt sword. My parents had lied to me. My own parents had lied to me again. They had taken me thousands of miles away from my friends, from my boyfriend,  and it was all a lie.

“We lied to you because we know that if we told you the real reason, you wouldn’t want to come back.”

My father looked my dead in the eye, and I felt like I had been frozen to stone. I didn’t want to be here. This was such a big mistake.

“S-So why did you want me to come back?” I asked as I rested my hands on the table nervously. I didn’t want to know the answer. I just wanted to leave.

“You are the next head of the family Tao, you realise that that is a big responsibility don’t you?” he asked sternly. Of course I knew, he has been drilling my ‘importance’ and ‘responsibilities’ into my head ever since I was a young child.

“Yes.”

“Well, you are of age now.” He said, and I frowned. “So, me and your mother have arranged for you a...marriage.”

“I can’t get married!” I rejected immediately as I stood up from my seat and slammed my hands down on the table in pure shock.

“Be quiet, Zi Tao! You can and you will! You’re getting married, and that’s that!” He said louder as his expression grew to anger. I shakily sat down again.

“To a girl?” I asked quietly.

“Of course to a girl. Me and your mother have met her family, she’s very kind and a perfect bride for you. I’m sure she’ll make a lovely wife and mother to your children in the future.” He said as he nodded to himself. His blatant approval of it made me sick. It made me sick that my parents have arranged a marriage for me.

“I- I-” I didn’t know what to say. My words stuck and dried in my throat.

He didn’t know I was homoual. None of my family knew...apart from Kris. Kris is my family now. Kris is all the family I need. I don’t want a wife. I want Wu Fan.

I want him to be right here, right now. But I know that that’s impossible.

Coming here again was possibly the biggest mistake of my life.

“Now I’ve got things to sort out, son, and I believe you have unpacking to do,” My father said as he rested a briefcase on the table and opened it. It contained legal papers...to do with my marriage.

I took that as my cue to leave the room.

Kris

I ran through the hugging people and rolling suitcases at the arrival gate. Something in my mind wishing that Tao would be here at the gate, waiting for me.

He’s not.

Of course he’s not.

People gave me strange looks as I went past, maybe it was weird for an incredibly tall, young, foreign-looking boy to be running out an airport in a sense of panic. When I was outside it was still raining, the sky was dark as it was getting quite late, but you couldn’t see the stars because of all the light pollution from the street lights. I ran across the front of the airport and looked for the taxi bay, a group of girls giggled loudly as I walked past. I found a taxi and got in, and checked my wallet. Thankfully all my money was still there. I asked the driver where the nearest hotel was, and he said there was a cheap one a few blocks over, but it wasn’t the best.

“I don’t care, as long as I have somewhere to sleep.” I told him. He nodded and seemed understanding. He didn’t ask any questions on the way and he turned the radio down. I guess he could tell I was drained. I leant my head against the cool window and  watched the raindrops slide down the glass on the other side, the buildings and streetlights pasted by in a blur. I wondered what Tao was doing now and more importantly – where he was.

Now that I am here I need to find him as soon as possible. I hope he realises that I’d spend my entire life searching the whole of China to find him, and it hasn’t even been a whole day since I last saw him. Unfortunately I’d have to look tomorrow though, as it’s pretty late now, and probably dangerous to be outside. God, I hope Tao got to his house alright, I hope he’s inside and safe. I frowned and bit down on my lip. Last night I fell asleep at eleven thirty. Ten more minutes to go and it would be exactly twenty-four hours since I last saw him. That’s twenty-four hours too long.

“Here it is, it’s a bit shabby but it always has room,” said the taxi driver, breaking my trail of thought. I looked out the window and saw a tallish building with a murky colour, the sign of the hotel was painted and faded and it didn’t look too friendly, but it was shelter and it would do. Tao told me once that my face looked quite scary when I’m not smiling so I looked like a gang leader, which was good, because that would be mean that no one would want to attack or mug me or anyone with me.

“I’m safe around you.”

“Thank you for driving me,” I said politely as I paid the taxi driver what I owed. I grabbed my bag and got out of the taxi.

I spoke to the lady at the front desk and got a room. The cheapest one; a box-like room with one bed.

I lay back on the bed and it creaked slightly under my weight. I wonder what everyone in Korea is doing right now, I thought. I thought about Sehun and Lu Han and if they were alright. I sighed when I thought about Lu Han, when I last saw him it was when I had ran to their apartment to stop Tao from catching the first flight. Lu Han had been standing by Chen, wiping his tears in his eyes. I rested my hands behind my head and thought of Tao again. I tried to recall the feeling of him lying in my arms, just like he had been doing the night before. I missed his smell; his warmth; his y jet-black hair and eyes. I missed the taste of his kiss and his laugh. I missed him.

Something was wrong, I could feel it. My heart ached.

My heart ached so much.

“Please,” I whispered into the silent stale air of the room, “Please let me find him.”

Tao

“Wu Fan,” I wailed, “Wu Fan I want you here.”

I sat in my dark room, with my back to the door and my knees to my chest. My body shuddered as I cried violently as I clutched his phone in my hands like I had been doing for the past hour.

I felt so lost.

“I don’t want to get m-married,” I whispered to myself as I wiped my eyes then stretched out my leg and kicked the dresser angrily. The dresser shook slightly, but nothing happened, which just made me more upset.

“Why do I always do these stupid things?”

I went to my bed and curled up into a ball, wishing I had Kris’s warm body curled around me and his comforting touch. I missed him so much already. Why did I come back to China? How am I going to get back?

This isn’t home.

“Wu Fan,” I hiccupped quietly as I closed my eyes, I felt a tear falling from the corner of my eye and dripping over the bridge of my nose.

Kris

I’m pretty sure I can remember the area he lives in. I saw the name of it on my fold out map they had at the hotel and it was so familiar. I just hope to God I’m right. I looked out the window, of a train this time. The weather was bleak, but it wasn’t raining. Still, little drops of water still fell off the roof of the train, and the puddles still sat cold and wet on the ground. The train was noisy and hectic but my mind felt fuzzy and frozen. The girl in the seat on the other side kept looking over and staring at me, I tried not make eye contact.

I was successfully ignoring her until she came and sat in the empty seat beside me and said ‘hey’ as she fluttered her eyelashes and fiddled with a strand of her long hair, the train pulled into a station, I stood up and picked up my bag.

“Excuse me, I need to get off,” I said coldly and she blinked at me and moved out the way politely.

It wasn’t my stop, so I just walked down the train and found a new seat in the quiet carriage, free of flirty girls and crying toddlers.

When I got off my stop I saw the girl again, but she didn’t see me as she walked with her friends. I clutched my bag and walked out of the station and immediately stopped. It looked familiar, the trees, the car park, the buildings along the road. As if I had walked down here a long time ago...

I remembered that he took me there before when we were younger, and I had walked with him to his house just once and then we departed outside. I sprinted down the street and past a familiar corner shop.

I remember this! I remember where I am.

I know where he is.

Tao

 “Tao, you need to get ready. We’re going to meet them soon,” my mother said sternly as she opened the door to my room, and put down a towel on a chair. I wiped my eyes and sat on my bed.

“I’m not going.”

“Excuse me?” She said, as if she couldn’t believe what I had just said.

“I’m not getting married!” I said angrily, building up my courage as I stood up, pushed past my mother and walked into hallway.

“I don’t think you are in the position to say that son,” my father’s voice sounded out loudly behind me. I clicked open the front door and opened it. They didn’t try to stop me. They knew I had nowhere to go and I’d just come back. It was getting darker outside, the sky was grey and once again pouring down with rain. The cold air brushed pasted me and into the house.

“You’ll have to get married eventually,” my mother said in monotone.

“And I will,” I said quietly as I slipped on my trainers and turned around and looked at both of them.

“So what’s the hell is the problem?” My father crossed his arms and stared at me condescendingly.

“I don’t know her and...” I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I have to do this. It’s time to tell them now.

“And what?” He roared, his face going red with rage. I’ve never spoken back to them before. I’ve always been good and did what they said. But this time...this time I can’t.

“And I will get married...just not-” I paused and took a shaky breath, “...just not to a girl.”

“What do you mean?” My mother looked at me confused, but then she seems to understand and her eyes widened. My father still didn’t understand though, his brows knitted together as he looked between me and her.

“I’m gay,” I said bluntly as I looked straight at him. His eyes locked onto mine in shock and we all froze now that the words had been said.

“You’re not my son-” he spat.

 “I’m in love with a boy.” I said, adding fuel to the fire, as my father stepped forwards with an unreadable expression. I looked down at the ground and took a step backwards as his hand grabbed my shoulder and his other arm raised. I knew what was coming.

“Maybe I can knock some sense into you!” He yelled furiously as he scrunched my eyes closed and waited for the hard hit.

But it never came.

 “Wha-?!” I heard my father shout, “Who the hell are you?”

I opened my eyes and saw that a long arm had blocked my father’s hit to me. A tall figure was leaning over me slightly, their hand had unclenched my father’s hand from my shoulder. A familiar scent from the person surrounded me, water from their hair was dripped onto me and ran down my neck. My Ma gasped.

I turned my head to the right and looked directly into their eyes. The darkest brown eyes, the eyes I’ve stared into so many times. Tears welled in my eyes suddenly and his hand rubbed my back, immediately comforting me. I watched as he turned to my father and his face washed over with anger again. My father lowered his arm and stepped back, giving our visitor the most horrible of glares.

“I’m the boy that’s in love with your son,” Kris’s deep voice rumbled, the very meaning of the words tingling on my skin at his touches. My parents looked between us.

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” My father spat as he grabbed the nearest object - a glass vase - and flung it at us full-force. Kris pulled me behind him and used the front door to shield us, my mother screamed at the glass shattered against the door and my father cursed loudly.

“Go, go!” Kris said as he grabbed my arm and we ran down the front path in the heavy rain. He grabbed a bag that was left by the gate under a bush and we both sprinted down the road as my father yelled at me to never come back.

At that moment I couldn’t care less if I was being disowned and rejected by my parents, because Kris was here. He was here next to me again and it felt like a dream. After a few minutes we were drenched through and we stopped a few streets away. I bent over and rested my hands against my knees to catch my breath. I looked over at Kris who dropped his bag onto the damp ground and ran over to me. The impact of him against me suddenly made me stumble backwards as his arms wrapped around me tightly and his lips crashed against mine.

“Wu Fan,” I spoke against his lips as I clutched at his jacket, the water ran out of the material and soaked through my fingers. He stopped kissing me and just held me into a hug, his head hanging down onto my shoulder. His shoulders shook slightly and his hand trailed up into my hair.

“Are you crying?” I said softly. He lifted his head up, it was hard to tell what were tears and what were the rain drops.

“No,” he sniffed as I reached up and wiped his cheek.

“You are,” I smiled softly and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“I’m not,” he let go of me and wiped his red eyes. The streetlights around us flickered on one by one, the street was silent. No people, no cars. Just us and the rain.

“Yes, you are,” I whispered as I hugged his waist.

“Don’t ever leave like that again.”

I looked up at him and he wiped my dripping black hair out of my face, he leant down and kissed me again, just lips on lips and nothing more.

I’m safe now.

Kris

I opened the door to the hotel room at two in the morning to see Tao sat on the bed with a towel on his head, wiping his eyes. He looked up at me and his eyes widened. I shut the door of the room and he flung himself at me.

“I thought you’d gone. I thought maybe they’d got you,” he cried into my jacket. I rubbed his back and held up two bags.

“I just got your stuff.” I told him “So no more tears, okay?”

He clutched onto me, like a koala would to a tree, and peered at the bags. He gasped. “But they were-”

“I went back and snuck in since your bedroom window was left open. Your bags were packed and just sitting on your bed.” I explained as I sat us both onto the double bed so he was sat straddling me. “I think one of them has food in.”

“Ma...” Tao whispered as he opened one bag and exposed a few containers of food she had packed, obviously knowing that we'd come back to get Tao's things. She must have left the window open too.

“She doesn’t hate you,” I said gently as I his hair. He scoffed.

“My Dad does,” he grumbled.

“I missed you. I genuinely did.” I smiled and pulled the towel off his head to his neck and used it to pull him closer for a kiss. He chuckled when we both fell back on the bed.

“I missed you too.” He smiled as he rested his arms on my chest and picked at the material of my t-shirt, “But you’re soaking wet again.”

I laughed loudly and rolled us over. His black hair sprayed out and contrasted against the white pillows, even in the dark. He gave me a heated look and my heart exploded.

“Tao, please don’t look at me like that.” I breathed, “I won’t be able to control myself.”

“So don’t,” he said as he pulled me down.

“I love you, Wu Fan,” he said between kisses and moans, “I’ll never leave again.”

“I love you too, Zi Tao.” I whispered as I smiled at the sounds he was making as he looked up at me through half-open eyes, “So much.”

~*~

Kris traced circles on the back on Tao’s hand as they leant their heads together and listened to the radio through shared headphones. The pilot sounded out on the announcement and told them that they were about to descend into South Korea, and that it was around five in the afternoon there.

Of course Kris and Tao already had their seatbelts fastened.

“Oh god,” Tao whined and he grabbed Kris’s hand as the plane tilted forward slightly. “I don’t like this, it feels like I’m falling off a cliff.”

Kris chuckled and kissed Tao’s cheek.

“I know.”

When the aeroplane landed, they grabbed their bags and shuffled off with the rest of the people. They were the some of the last people out, and they stopped for a moment at the top of the stairs outside the plane. The cold wind blew through Tao’s hair as he turned to Kris.

“We’re home.” Tao smiled. Kris smiled back then he pressed a chaste kiss to Tao’s cheek.

“I’m always home as long as you’re with me.” 

~*~

Sorry if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes! I've just spent a while fixing loads of typos so it should be okay now.