Play: I love you, I love you

“Five… Four… Three… Two… One! HAPPY NEW YEAR!” They all yelled.

A new year began. All she could think of was how will she begin the year without him. It’s been months since she last saw him. She and her friends are in Japan while he and his friends were in China. How could she have survived all this time? She had always asked herself. She doesn’t know how strong she had been because from the time they have ended their relationship, up to that moment, she had not shed a tear.

She held her cellphone, hoping and foolishly waiting for a message that she knew will never come. She knows it seems impossible, since they were miles apart, but it’s not wrong to hope, right?

She looked up at the sky and remembered what he told her before.

“Wherever we are, as long we both look at the sky, it’s like we’re together because it will remind us that we are standing on one earth and looking at the same stars. But always remember that you’ll be my brightest star out there.”

“Sooyoung,” her friend held her shoulder and she turned to her.

“Yes, Jessica?” She asked.

“Are you okay? You look down,” she said and Sooyoung shook her friend.

Sooyoung faked a smile and Jessica knew that she shouldn’t ask what Sooyoung’s problem was for she already knows what it was.

“Let’s just enjoy the party,” Sooyoung said and hid her phone.

She was in a party, a room filled with people, but she felt lonely. She never imagined how she could feel lonely in a sea of people. Right, because the person who made her feel whole was no longer there… not just beside her physically, but he’s not hers anymore.

_*_

Sooyoung opened the door to her hotel room. She wanted to go home first and decided to go on her own. She let her body fall on the bed and takes out her phone again. She scrolled through her numbers and stopped upon seeing his name and number.

Wu Fan <3

“Maybe one call wouldn’t hurt, but he might ask me why,” and she does not have a reason. Wait, she does. She wanted to call because she still cares. She still cares because she still loves him.

It has been months since they last talked and saw each other. That moment was also their break up. She wanted to take back what she said to him, but it was all too late. They had to go to Japan and he and his group were to go to China.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as tars fall from her precious face.

Their memories flashed in her head. How she wish to return at those moments, where she was in his arms and everything felt so right. If she was asked what makes her happy besides her family, God and Girls Generation, she would answer him. But that was before. She could still recall his cute and shy face every time they were together because he wondered how a trainee managed to capture the heart of a member of Girls Generation, the shikshin herself.

She can still remember how she first met him, the tall Chinese-Canadian guy with sharp features. She can still recall how they first bumped into each other. She had debuted as a member of Girls Generation, while he just began his training as Kevin, because he doesn’t feel like using his real name, Wu Fan.

But there are exceptions. And to him, her biggest exception is Sooyoung. She can treat him whatever she wants and call him whatever she wants. Sooyoung didn’t also allow him to call her noona. She loves it how Wu Fan would call her name. Their love story was simple. He confessed to her on the New Year of 2010, the year that Sooyoung was her favorite. Their career skyrocketed and they successfully debuted in Japan. Behind her success was a guy smiling while in Korea. He may be tired from late training, but he couldn’t help but smile when he would read news about Girls Generation in Japan. He would even ask for help in translating Japanese to Korean, Chinese or English. He was the happiest of all. He was happy for his Sooyoung.

Just a year later, Wu Fan received news that he would possible debut in a new group. Of course Sooyoung was the first one to know about it and celebrated it with. His training became more intense. He had lost time with Sooyoung and would frequently apologize for it. It seems that Sooyoug would always nag him and she would be inconsiderate. Wu Fan would be the one apologizing, always taking the blame because he just loves her so much. If he could list his fears, one of which would probably losing her.

Sometimes, just happen for reasons we can’t explain. Like his name, he was given the name Kris, to which everyone soon adapted. Everything changes. It’s just like that.

No one ever expected the day for the two to break up. Exo was already making a name for themselves while Girls Generation was still the nation’s top girl group. It was silly to think how one small thing that Sooyoung got annoyed at turned into something big. A little jealousy couldn’t hurt, but Sooyoung was overreacting and sad to say that he was sick of it.

Throwing away their couple rings on the floor, Wu Fan walked away like she was just a stranger. Sooyoung clenched her jaw. She tried to be strong. This was what she wanted, right? She was sick that she and Wu Fan would spend more time arguing because of the lack of time they give each other. She has SNSD and he has Exo-M. She should be understanding, but having such pride, Sooyoung wouldn’t be the one who would apologize. She was used to having Wu Fan to be understanding about her schedule, but when it was him who became busy, it was like she couldn’t understand him.

Maybe she had thought that he would come back. She was used to it anyway that when they have petty fights, he would come back to her because as he told her, it would feel like dying alone without her. She never thought the possibility of him not returning was even possible. She only realized it when she found out their schedules and knew that she won’t be seeing him for the next three months. That was just for the schedule they have seen. She doesn’t know when they will ever see each other again because there might be a possibility that their group might be in Korea, but his group won’t be there. She will never know.

Presently, it’s been four months already since they last talked, the night they broke up. They’ll be in Japan for two or probably three more months and it hurts her. That night, Sooyoung went up to the roof deck and let the rain pour down on her. She tried to stare up at the sky. She couldn’t and just closed her eyes with her head pointing upwards. She let her tears out for the first time. She never imagined how strong she had been for bottling up the feelings. She never knew how good it feels to let your heart out, but it was also painful for she kept remembering all the memories of how happy she used to be… how happy they used to be.

She misses those times when he would always remind her three special words she got used to hearing from him.

“I love you.”

_*_

It’s been a while since they saw each other and since she’s back at Korea. She walked around the building, entering the room where posters of DBSK, Super Junior and Exo were. She traced each member of Exo, landing on the guy at the most left.

“How are you, Wu Fan? Or should I say Kris?” She talked to herself. She has no right to call him Wu Fan anyway. People calling him by his real name is close to his heart. Now, she doesn’t know where to place herself in his life.

Placing her hand on the pocket of her trench coat, she felt something inside. Taking it out, she saw a keychain she bought. It reminded her of him and bought it. She doesn’t know why she bought it anyway. They were already over then, but it reminded her of him.

Wiping the lone tear on her face, she turned around, facing a surprised leader.

“Wu Fan, I mean, Kris,” she said.

“Hyung, waeyo?” Chanyeol asked him. The two were supposed to practice their rap with Kai and Lay to dance again, just like for their showcase, only this time to different song.

Feeling the awkwardness, Chanyeol excused himself out. Kris wanted to follow, but there was something that still made him stay.

After months of not seeing him, there he was, standing in front of him. Sooyoung had always prepared a speech to him in case they will see each other. But her preparations vanished the moment she saw him. All he knows was that in her heart, it’s still him. It’s his name that is still calling his heart. She wanted to say something, but no words come out of . The Sooyoung who would have something to say was speechless.

“How are you?” It was him who still spoke first.

Sooyoung wanted to tell him how much she had miss him, how stupid and shallow she was and that she wanted to apologize because it was entirely her fault. She opened to say I love you, but she knows that it’s not a good idea to say it.

“I-I’m good,” she said and tucked hair behind her ear.

Those seconds that passed them feels so long.

“Do you have anything else to say? Because if not, I’m going to say goo—“

“Goodbye?” She asked with a breaking voice. “Are you going to say goodbye to me again?” She bit her lower lip this time as she looks down, not wanting for her to be seen by him.

“Do you know how hard it was for me to be without you for these months? I thought that you would come back to me immediately. I guess I was too confident that you would come back to me. Imagine when it finally sunk to me that you probably won’t come back,” she chuckled and continued to speak. “I had such a high pride that I refuse to apologize, especially since I got used with you to be apologizing between us. I said to myself, why am I hurting when this was what I wanted? I was sick with our endless arguments and I wished for us to end, but how come I only ended up getting hurt? I would always wish that I could turn back time to that scene when we broke up so I could stop you from leaving. Maybe, if I did that, I wouldn’t be hurting. I would probably still have you. I would probably still hearing your words, telling me how much you love me and how we will try our best to make things work. But I let go of that promise. I tried to fight the hurt, but everything I see reminds me of you… of us. I’m sorry that I still love you,” she covered and tried to wipe the tears that were coming out of her now red eyes. She doesn’t know where in the world she got the courage to tell him all of this, but she knows it’s now or never.

Stepping near her, Kris wrapped his arms around her.

“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve your love,” Sooyoung cried on his chest, trying to remove his arms on her.

“Give me time to listen, please,” he said and she nodded.

“Maybe others would say that too. Maybe some would say that I should find some other girl, someone who would understand how busy I am, someone who would really love me no matter what,” Kris her hair. “But if I could only tell them that even if there was someone better, I couldn’t love her because I still love Choi Sooyoung.”

Sooyoung felt guilty because she doesn’t know how lucky she was with Kris. After everything, he still accepted her. He removed his arms and searched for something inside his bag. To Sooyoung’s surprise, he took out a box where their couple rings are in.

“I kept them. I still looked for it after we broke up. I’m giving back yours,” Kris said and slipped the ring on Sooyoung’s finger and slipped his. Sooyoung thought that things will be back to what they were, that she’ll be happy again, and that he will be hers and she will be his again.

“But this doesn’t mean we’re okay again,” he said, causing the smile on Sooyoung’s face to disappear.

“I thought we’re okay now?”

“I thought so too. But I realized that I need time to think,” he said and averted his eyes away.

“Think about what? What’s there to think about? I love you and you still love me. Isn’t it enough for us to get back together?” Sooyoung asked. She was sure that they will get back together, especially after that she just poured out her heart to him.

“What you said was true that I still love you, but love isn’t enough. I’m afraid that if we get back, you’d still be the same. I can’t love anyone else because I love you so much, but I don’t want to get hurt too. Right now, I don’t know if I really wanted to get back with you, but I’m sure my feelings for you are still there,” he said and looked at her.

“But the ring…”

“It’s a reminder that I still love you. It’s also a sign that we still believe that we could still fix our problems and get back together afterwards. But if one day you think you can’t do it, then you can remove the ring,” Kris explained.

Kris waited for a reply from her, but she was speechless. He was disappointed. Maybe he expected too much that Sooyoung would change, or at least say something. He just wanted to hear say that she also wanted for them to work out.

“Anyway, I have to go now. We have practice for a new performance. For now, goodbye,” Kris said and slowly turned away and left the room.

Sooyoung doesn’t know why she was still speechless, why she just let him go again. She wondered if this was what she wanted. She loves Kris, but how come she’s not that happy? Was she always confident that because Kris loves her, he would return to her? Maybe that was running in Sooyoung’s mind. Maybe she thought she could get him back so easy, but no.

Slowly, she left the room and saw Kris laughing with the members of SHINee and Exo. He turned and looked back at her. He smiled towards her, the smile she clearly remembers, the one that was filled with love, the one that she can only see when he was with her. She smiled back and watched as Kris was pulled by the others to go to another hall.

She sighed. This wasn’t what she had always wanted. Maybe this is the reality of life. Sometimes, we don’t get the things that we wanted or hoped for. But thinking about it, this is better than losing him, right?

She looked at the ring on her finer and smile. They’re not back officially, but she knows that she just has to prove Kris that she really loves him, the way he loves her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

Because I stumbled upon a picture of Sooyoung and Kris together plus SNSD's VCR with Kris on it, I think they look good together. I'm not abandoning SooWon. Sooyoung is just shippable with a lot of guys and Kris is a new addition to the list of guys she looks good with. Plus, Kris is my Exo bias. He also seems shippable with the girls of SNSD. If you want, watch Kris on SNSD's VCR: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha9x-dqtUAE