Sometimes I feel like everyone is a puppet, just like me.  I live the kind of life where everything is held together by threads. I’m sure that if one snaps, the rest will snap right after. Then, everything would come tumbling down. I wonder if anyone else feels like this. Maybe everyone can fall apart if a certain thing snaps for them.

So, maybe that’s why when appa came home so late, I could feel the threads weakening.  I could feel the strain. I guess everyone thinks that I must be really put together.  I have rather high grades, a rather cheery outlook, and a rather polite nature. I must seem really put together.

But, the threads have become fewer and fewer, weaker and weaker. I feel rather weak. It’s hard to wake up in the morning and have hope when you live a life hold together by threads that are almost invisible to you.

A lot of people have told me recently that I could make it to the big universities. A couple people told me that I could study abroad. They told me I could go anywhere I wanted, Japan, America, Canada. Anywhere.  I would nod and smile and say thank you politely.

But, no matter how hard I worked, it didn’t mean much.

I was destined to a life much like my appa’s. Working late, waking up early. Never getting breaks, vacations, holidays. He always said that life was short. Now, he doesn’t even seem to have time for life. It worries me quite a bit.

University costs money. Even with Scholarships, I could never live that kind of life. That’s all I think about at school. That’s all I ever think about really.

“Onew~” a voice cooed my name.

“Yes?” I said softly, not really paying attention. I was gathering papers into my hands.

“Yah, give me more attention! I might as well not be here!” Whining really wasn’t something that worked on me. But, with a sigh, I looked up at the persont that this high pitch squealing seemed to be coming from.

“Yes, my dear almighty Key! What do you need today?" I answered with a grin on my face. Key rolled his eyes and turned away. He started walking out of the almost empty classroom. I sighed and picked up my things and followed.

"Key~" I cooed at him. He turned enough to give me a look, but he continued walking. However, it was a much slower pace.

"Hyung, you really are too much." He muttered in his annoyed voice. I laughed a little, but tried to hide it to stop him from glaring at me again.

The kind of friendship I have with Key was probably not the best. We never really told eachother anything we felt, and I guess you couldn't say we were extremely close. I guess, we are too different for anything like that. However, Key was a person I could depend on to sit with me at lunch and help me with homework. He was the kind of person that would never let me wear ugly clothes in public and saved me from embarrassing situations quite a few times.

Although we were never close, he was a friend that made me feel like maybe we could be. That is, if it were a life or death situation.

"Aish, Hyung, your hair looks horrible," He whined while messing with my hair. He always had that exasperated look on his face.

I pouted at his touching and pulling on my hair too much.

"Key~. Is this really needed?" I whined. I never really could whine unless Kibum was the cause of it.

"Do you want to look bad? No, you don't. So, Yes, this is needed," He said in a huff. He twerked my hair a bit more and then sighed in defeat.

"This will have to do...." He mumbled while he started to once again walk down the hall way. I sighed and followed after him.

"Hyung, you really are a mess," he sighed. In that moment, I didn't know how to react. I honestly was a mess both physically and mentally. But, I put on an aire of being completely together. I tried my best to keep my clumsiness in check, no one really noticed how off balance I was. Everyone thought of me as this smart sophisticated guy. I was the boy in our class that knew it all and had this great future planned for himself.

But, in this moment, Key tore down all my little facades and told me what I really was.

"I know, Key."

We were never that close. But, somehow Key knew everything about me. I never felt comfortable telling him who I was or how I though, but somehow he knew. I don't he's ever told me more about himself than his name, yet I knew everything about him too.

I guess that's why we sit together during lunch.

"Taemin, you walk so slow~" Jonghyun began his daily hunger tantrum. Everyday at lunch he will literally complain until he finds a plate of food in front of him. 

"Hyung, I'm practically running! Calm down!" I said in a huff. He really could be so annoying.

"But, Taeminnie~. Please, walk faster already!" Jonghyun said as he sped up. I sighed and trailed after him.

"I can't walk faster if I'm running," I mumbled to myself.

"What was that? Hyung can't hear you~" He sang as he skipped into the lunch line.

"Nothing, hyung," I sighed and grabbed my tray. After Jonghyun had piled ample amounts of food on his tray, we sat at our usual table and he stuffed half of it into his face. With a sigh of contentment, he swallowed and watched me as i picked at my food.

"What's wrong?" He said knowingly. I sighed and just shrugged as a response. I didn't want to talk about what was bothering me with Jonghyun today, certainly because half of what was wrong with me was Jonghyun.

"Hey, we're supposed to tell eachother this kind of stuff, right? So tell me what's wrong." He said in a voice that almost sounded like he was trying to get a skiddish animal out of it's cage.

"Really, hyung, can we just eat?"

He looked down at his plate of food and then back at me. He was silent for a moment, but then pushed his plate away.

"I won't eat until you tell me what's wrong." He said finally. I hated it when he did things like this. I shrugged again and continued to pick at my own food. I tried to not look at him. I already knew if I looked at him he would ahve that concerned look on his face and his eyes would be all glassy and he would be pouting and just the thought of it made me want to tell him how worried I was about him.

But when I looked up at him, he wasn't pouting or looking at me in concern. he just looked... angry. That's the only way to describe it. I had never seen him with this kind of look before. His eyes were narrowed, his jaw waws tight. I couldn't even describe it. I knew I had a shocked look on my face, my mouth fell open and I gaped at him. I think that made his mood a bit worse.

"Why don't you just tell me? You don't always have to be so damn difficult."  his words hit me one by one, each of them felt like a slap to the face. Jonghyun was never supposed to get angry or annoyed. He was supposed to keep bothering me until I told him, then he would solve all my problems and give me a hug. That was how my hyung was supposed to act.

I had nothing to say. I jsut kept looking at him with my silent blank face. I felt almost like a puppet without strings.

"I'm sorry, hyung," I said dumbly.

"Of course you're sorry. But that doesn't really help anything!" He said while throwing his hands in the air in defeat. I had never seen him act like this before. I didn't know what to do.

"What can I say then, hyung?"

"You can tell me what's wrong! That's all I want you to say! You can't do everything yourself, Taemin. Why can't you let me help you already!?" Now his hands hit the table in an angry slam. I gulped down.

"Neither can you." I whispered softly.

"What?" He barked at me a little too quickly.

"Neither can you, hyung. You can't do everything yourself so stop trying to make it seem like nothing is going on with you either! If you really want to know what's bothering me, it's you! You are such a hyprocrite! You never tell me what's going on, even when I ask straight forward! But when something is wrong with me, you won't let it go! I know things aren't okay with you, but you just pretend like everything is fine. Stop being blind to everything! Sometimes I don't even want to talk to you when you act like this! That's why I never tell you things."

I didn't realize I was yelling. I didn't realize that everyone was looking at us. I didn't realize how angry I was. I didn't even realize that my hands were shaking or hyung's eyes were glassy and watery. But, when I did realize, it was already too late. I watched as Jonghyun threw away his lunch and left the cafeteria without a word. I knew I should ahve chased after him, but I felt too sick to move. I just sat there, and slumped against the table.

I could feel everything falling apart.