Class has to be the stupidest thing I have ever gone to. I sighed for the millionth time as I heard my teacher drone on and on. It was only my first class of the day too. I scribbled down upon the notebook in front of me. Soon those doodles turned into words, words that went on and on.

I have never felt anything as real as family. Nothing as solid, nothing as sturdy as when you are falling and you are caught and lifted up by the strong arms filled with love and compassion of a family member. Never have I been judged, hated, and disposed by family. I have never been thrown to the side and declared unneeded, unnecessary, or unwanted. But, there is a common saying I have heard among the skeptical, unhappy, and sarcastic caste in society: Never say Never.

I thought it was once an uplifting phrase. You think you can’t reach your goals? Never say never! You think you will never get all your homework done? Never say never! You think you can’t possibly ever pass a course? Never say never! That was when children said it, when hopeful adults said it, or when people whom had no real or adequate advice to give had nothing more to say. Now, I understand clearly the true meaning of that horrible, three-worded phrase.

Essentially, the phrase is short coming. They were missing a few essays that should have continued the phrase explaining its true meaning.

I want you to think of a dictionary. Now imagine that the whole dictionary was just defining this phrase. I’m trying to save you some trouble here. I know you don’t want to read a whole damn dictionary about something so stupid. But bear with me.

So, to sum up what hours of discussion would explain, Never say never means that everything that you find to be solid and sturdy can fall apart. It means that everything that is sweet can be bitter, that everything bitter can be sweet. It means that everything that seems cemented in happiness can be cracked in half. Nothing is safe, but nothing can be brought down. Really, you never know what is going to happen.

Salt can be sugar. Sadness can be Happiness. Desolation can be sanctuary.

That is Never say Never.

So, you can imagine when I was unneeded, unnecessary, and unwanted by the essence that I believed to be most understanding and cemented in compassion, that three-worded phrase came into my head. It coiled in like a snake and laughed its bitter little laugh. I could only think of it and gag on my own thoughts. Nothing was cemented. Nothing was safe.

Most importantly, nothing was the same.

As time wore on, even know, I think of this phrase in bitter contempt. Evidentially, what brought my ultimate downfall was this little phrase. I honestly never thought that my family would not want me or need me or love me. But, as they say Never Say Never.

I looked down at my notebook in front of me and reread what I had written. My eyes were down casted, almost ashamed that I had so easily written all my feelings so easily. This happens every class time. I always wasted the whole time writing stupid, useless things. No wonder I had the lowest scores in my year. I groaned as the bell rang and told me to leave for my next class. I stood with no energy and began walking to the next boring class. But a small smile spread across my face as I realized that he would be in my next course.

I was wondering.

I was wondering about him and me a lot.

I was wondering a lot today, just sitting in class and thinking. I know that in class that is what is to be expected by a student, to wonder and dream and think and learn. Sadly, my thoughts were elsewhere. Sorry, Mrs. Toyama. I’ll try harder to actually pay attention to your blabbering the next time you waste an hour of my life.

Anyway, I was really thinking about him: the him with the wavy brown hair and the glasses that sits in the corner of the room always taking notes and tapping his pen. That’s the guy. I really liked that him. I mean, I didn’t talk to him or anything, but a kid can stare and dream right? He is smart, at least that’s what I’m guessing from his ample supplies of notes on his desk. Or maybe he was an eccentric writer like me? Maybe he just wrote down everything he thought, everything he was told, or everything he wished? Maybe we were the same. But, I won’t know until I ask.

Now, as I watch as he stood to turn in the homework that was due today I realized that his movements were quick, maybe even brisk, and he was quite awkward. I watched out of the corner of my eye, trying not to make this too obvious that I thought he was the most beautiful thing on earth. I loved how incredibly… well to put it lightly, uncoordinated he was. He stood awkwardly, laughed awkwardly, and even breathed awkwardly. But, his smile was always large, friendly, and kind. His gaze was strong and attentive. He was one of those boys your mom would call cute and funny and laugh at and your father would say he was a bright young man. He was the kind of guy that girls wanted to take home to their parents. More than anything, I wanted to take him home to my parents. I cringed at the thought.

I’m tired of waiting. I stood, the bell ringing and students bustling around me moving to the exit. He sat there, quietly gathering his papers and organizing them. I smirked as I thought of my excuse to say something to him. I glided around tables, chairs, and students. I put on my best show of being agile, fluid, graceful. He looked up when I leaned casually on his desk, my hand spread upon the cold wooden top. I smiled down upon him, the glint light of a predators smile shined down on him as if he was my prey. He blinked a few times, waiting for my explanation s for why I was lounging in his domain. My smile grew.

“You’re Jinki, right?” I said as if it was obvious enough. I already knew that his friends called him Onew. But, I couldn’t just straight out act as if we were friends right? Not if this plan was going to work at least.

“Oh, yeah. You’re Jonghyun!” He said, a smile graced his lips. His eyes looked almost as if they were closed. It was cute to see that simply knowing someone’s name made him smile so brightly. I smiled in return. His innocence was astonishing. I don’t think he realized how socially incorrect he was being however. Honestly, him telling me what my name was is like saying “Hey, I stalk you! I know everything about you!” How else could he know my name? We have made no contact, never brushed shoulders, never eaten lunch together, never made eye contact, never had a mutual friend, we had never even spoken to each other until right now.

Still, I smiled warmly. I liked his response. He was aware of who I was, and for some reason, that gave me the sweetest happiness I had ever known.

“Yeah, that’s me. You’re smart aren’t you Jinki?” I smiled softly. I knew he was. He was ranking second out of our whole school currently.

“I guess… Not really.” He said humbly, but I could see the small bit of pride in his eyes as he told me he wasn’t smart. That glint of pride made my smile grow.

“Well, I’m not as smart as you, Jinki. But, I would like to be. I was wondering if you would help me.” I asked. I was unsure of how he would react. I had never seen him help anyone else.

Onew scratched the back of his neck and looked up in thought. Then, without a word He took out a piece of paper and scribbled down upon it. I watched him silently, unsure of what to say or do. I just stood awkwardly next to his desk feeling almost like a fool.

“Here.” He said as he handed me the scrawled upon paper with a smile, “There’s my number and my address. Whenever you need help, you can just call me and then we can meet up, okay?”

I took the paper dumbly and stared at it. His hand writing was very boyish and boxy. Upon the paper, instead of the expected Jinki, he had written Onew. I wasn’t sure if he was just used to writing Onew for his name or if he considered me now as a friend, but I preferred the latter.

“Thank you, but uh… Jinki, I need help sooner than you think. I’m… failing…” I said softly. I looked down at the tiled floors of the classroom. I noticed all the dirt in the cracks and thought about how it really needed to be cleaned.

“Ah. Well, then come over today. Oh, and call me Onew,” He said with a nice smile. With that he stood and picked up his things. I watched as he walked out of the room. When he was finally out of the room, my heart started beating at a normal pace again. I looked down at the paper in my hand again and smiled. He knew who I was and he wanted to help me with school. I felt like dancing and singing around the classroom like my life was a musical, but the bell rang for our next class and I was already late. Again.

“Aye, you punk, where were you today?” I said annoyed into the phone pressed against my ear.

“Sorry, hyung. I was busy today…” Taemin said softly in his little voice.

I rolled my eyes even though I knew he couldn’t see it.

“Since when have you been too busy for school? That’s the most important thing there is, isn’t it?” I said, knowing already that I was being hypocritical with my horrible marks. But, hey, that didn’t mean my friends had to be failures too?

“I know, I know, hyung. I’ll be at school tomorrow, I promise!” Taemin said in his “I’m being cute forgive me!” voice. I snorted and forgave him.

“But really… where were you today?” Curiosity stirred up in my voice. I heard him giggle a bit across the line. I kicked at the trash on the sidewalk as I walked across the pavement. My free hand was in my pants packet.

“I was with… a friend.” He said, I could hear his voice falter in the middle of his sentence. My steps slowed and I cocked my head to the side.

“A friend?” I inquired, hoping to pull more information from him. Taemin and I had been friends since last year when I moved into Seoul with my Aunt. At the time when we met, Taemin had been a lonely first year sitting in the corner of the café reading. Now, Taemin and I were second years being fawned over by girls. We didn’t care much about them, however. It was just us and them. Our two groups just seemed to sit close together in the cafeteria.

“yeah, hyung, just a friend. Don’t worry, no one is taking your place!” He said with a laugh. I laughed a long a bit. I still had the aching feeling that he was hiding something from me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Taemin-ah~. Don’t forget to go to school!” I joked before I hung up. I stood on the sidewalk and looked up to where my feet had lead me.

I pulled my hand out of my pocket and looked down at the paper I had been holding tightly. I read the address scrawled on it and then looked back up. I took a breath to calm my nerves.

Then I walked up the steps to Onew’s house and rang the doorbell.