XIII

       Youngbae had been monitoring the convalescence from afar.

          He didn’t let it show; Seunghyun was still unstable. But every day this week the two rappers had started conjoining during the day again, however small the interactions were, and Youngbae made sure that when they were talking, they kept talking.

          He kept Seungri busy so he wouldn’t bother them.

          Youngbae didn’t know about the meetings in the living room at night, though, so he was slow to notice the change the few days after Seunghyun had walked out.

        Jiyong may have acted normally during the day, but he didn’t have the motivation to come out of his room the next night.

                His day had already been full of Seunghyun, full of worried glances and encouraging nods. At some random point in the shoot, Daesung just came up and hugged him. Tightly.

          Did he really look that hopeless?

          His self-accusations had come to a point where he hardly wanted to show his face to anyone, much less to Seunghyun. Everything would get worse if he showed himself to Seunghyun. Maybe part of him hoped that if he avoided his hyung for long enough, he’d stop having his stupid feelings for him. Then they could go back to being normal friends. Play it off as a joke, laugh the stinging away.

          He didn’t go out to meet him in the living room, too downcast and frightened from their last interaction.

          Out the door and down the hallway, Seunghyun had sat himself in his usual spot. He just expected that he had arrived first, that Jiyong would be on his way. After a few minutes, he got up and poured himself a drink, but resumed his patient waiting in his white armchair. He didn’t feel the need to keep himself entertained, he was weirdly excited to talk to Jiyong again.

          Maybe ten minutes later, he got up, scratching at his neck, and finished his drink in his room, giving up seeing him for the night.

          He didn’t know why Jiyong didn’t come out; he tried not to guess why. He was just disappointed and a little bit hurt.

          Across the wood floor and behind a plaster wall, Jiyong was still lying awake because of the two words running through his mind like a mantra.

          “Stop.”

          He couldn’t keep himself from over-analyzing the tone Seunghyun had used, or why he’d even bothered saying it at all.

          “Wait.”

          It was the same tone as that first night. The same intonation, the same alarmingly serious air.

          Jiyong knew he shouldn’t think it meant anything. It didn’t mean anything that Seunghyun didn’t think that he shouldn’t have spoken up about his feelings. It didn’t mean anything that he’d left directly afterwards. It didn’t mean anything, and it surely didn’t mean he was starting to feel the same…

          Jiyong just felt so stupid. All he was doing was trying to get Seunghyun out of his head, but he stuck there no matter what he did.

          “Stop.”

          Jiyong was Seunghyun’s friend. Of course he’d tell him to shut up about a mistake he’d made. He just wanted him to stop beating himself up about it… That’s why he’d spoken up.

          “Wait.”

          But what was with his voice? He was so quiet, almost desperate somehow.

          Jiyong got increasingly frustrated as he squirmed around in his bed, trying to get himself to stop digging for significance behind the two stupid words.

          Seunghyun, what could you possibly mean?

***

          When Seunghyun got up the next morning, he was quick to pull on his clothes. He met Daesung in the kitchen and helped him make coffee, eager to see almost everyone. The pair managed to scrape together a legitimate breakfast for everyone from what they had in the kitchen. Daesung complimented Seunghyun multiple times for his idea of a ‘family’ breakfast, and for once the blue-haired man wasn’t hyper-aware of the blond’s eyes boring into his back and observing his every move.

          Seungri was the next to come out of his room, and when he noticed the smell, he woke Youngbae up.

          Soon the kitchen was a clatter of knives and plates, and Seunghyun actually contributed to the conversation.

          But Jiyong overslept.
          Youngbae volunteered Seungri to clean up, Seungri whined until his hyung would help as well.

          No one wanted to be the one to wake up Jiyong once they realized he wasn’t up yet. Their leader would hardly allow himself a moment of spare time away from his work, so it was good when he wanted rest. And he got grumpy.

          So Jiyong overslept.

          He seemed let this soil his mood for the rest of the day. He was more distant during his dance practice with Youngbae, and he started yelling at his own feet by the end of the session.

          Recognizing how tired he was, Youngbae shooed Jiyong to bed early when they were out of earshot of the others, encouraging him and telling him to relax about the preparations for their next performance. Jiyong’s door shut once Youngbae was satisfied with his getting ready for bed, and Youngbae decided to retire to his own room as well.

          Seunghyun heard none of it from his own bedroom, but counted the times the bathroom door was shut and the faucet was run, coming out after he was sure everyone else had gone to sleep.

          Once again, he found himself hesitating on the edge of the end of the hallway, where his toes brushed the luxurious carpet and his heels were simultaneously supported by the hardwood floor. Jiyong wasn’t there, so he didn’t even bother to sit down. Seunghyun shut his door on the living room quietly.

***

          On the third day, Youngbae noticed the difference.

          Seunghyun was starting to get twitchy toward Jiyong again, and Jiyong made sure to step around Seunghyun carefully.

          It bothered him so much that he had no idea what was going on. Obviously the pair wasn’t mad at each other – otherwise the dorm would be full of Jiyong and Seunghyun’s complementing voices exchanging curses.

          He didn’t have any idea, and it bothered him, but he considered himself to not be on speaking terms with Seunghyun, and he thought it would be a bad move to talk to Jiyong behind Seunghyun’s back. He was worried, but since everything had been doing so well, he let it go.

          Everything would work out. It had to.

          Seunghyun didn’t know what he needed to work out. He was upset that Jiyong had been ignoring him, but not so upset that he wasn’t always thinking about the other man. Instead of being mad at Jiyong, he was mad at himself, for whatever he’d done that made the younger man stop coming out at night.

          He never brought up Jiyong’s absence when they’d sit near each other during the day.

          The third night after he’d left the damp towel on the counter and left in a rush, Seunghyun stood idly at his armchair, staring blankly into the pristinely white cushion. He hovered there silently, no idea what he was doing and not even sure what he was waiting for. A few minutes ticked by, but his mind was a blank and he had stopped hoping for Jiyong to come out.

          So instead… He went to Jiyong.

          He might have hesitated in opening the door to the room with yellow walls if he’d been absolutely sure that Jiyong was actually sleeping, but he just felt like Jiyong was still awake, and he went with that hunch.

          Instead of going to prod him from his bed, Seunghyun made a beeline for the closet. He took a minute to find the studded chain to turn on the light, and he yanked it.

          Jiyong just did not know how to maintain a cleaning job.

          Already there was a large pile of rejected garments on the floor, probably from when Jiyong would change his mind about what he’d wear at least five times a day. Seunghyun sat down and set to work on separating these articles of clothing, either folding them or hanging them up. There were a few shirts he recognized from when they’d gone shopping together, some pants that he’d pointed out himself.

          He’d made a considerable dent in the pile before he finally heard a sniff behind him.

          Jiyong had been so quiet in his socked feet that Seunghyun hadn’t heard him approach. How long he’d been leaning against the doorway, watching him fold his clothes, he didn’t know.

          Seunghyun glanced backward carefully and resumed his work, holding up a studded belt that had gotten tangled in a pair of drop-crotch pants. “Have you ever actually worn this?” He pushed his hands on the wood floor to spin himself around and rattled the belt. “I remember getting this with you, we –“

          “I thought your head wasn’t empty anymore?” Jiyong said bluntly, rubbing his eye. Despite his tired and unimposing appearance, Seunghyun felt his eyes fixated on his own, and his cheeks grew hot from the intensity of his gaze.

          “It’s not… I told you, I just,” he swept his tongue over his bottom lip and paused. “I just like being around you… And I don’t want yours to be. Empty.”

          Jiyong nodded slowly, creasing his forehead at the ground, and took his weight off of the doorframe. He turned around slowly to return to the main part of his room and Seunghyun took it as a cue to get up and follow him.

          Turning on a light, Jiyong squinted and stretched a little, visibly holding back a yawn. When he scanned the room, Seunghyun was at a safe distance, their perfectly measured not-too-close-not-too-far distance, and he whirled around and met the older man’s eyes suddenly. “Seunghyun… Do you ever think you could – I mean…” Jiyong’s voice became strained, and his face scrunched up in concentration. His hair was already parted oddly because he’d been sleeping, but it became even worse as he ruffled a hand through it. A short sigh escaped from his throat. “Should I give up? On you? Is it really that much of a lost cause?” At first his questions were slow, but they were followed by a last spurt, in which Jiyong hardly paused. “What am I to you? Is it really impossible? Am I completely wasting my time? Could you ever love me?”

          Seunghyun shifted his weight, feeling awkward in the midst of Jiyong’s wave of questions that he must have been asking in the confines of his own head for a long time. He stared at the fabric on his shirt somewhere around his stomach as he figured out how to answer. “I don’t know, Ji, I…” Jiyong’s bed was only a foot or so away, and Seunghyun sat carefully on a flat part of it, pushing his hands up into his hair. “I have no idea how I feel anymore.”

          “I don’t…” Jiyong shook his head at the floor with short movements. “Can you just please, tell me? I don’t want to keep having some false hope that you might – that you might just one day, wake up, and realize you love me back if you don’t think - I don’t want to be stuck waiting forever, you know?” Gnawing at his lip, Jiyong was trying to smile, but it seemed to have been provoking tears more successfully than cheering him up. “Tell me I should give up, hyung.” His voice was painfully strained in a way that Seunghyun could hear him holding back tears.

          Seunghyun’s footsteps weren’t as graceful as Jiyong’s, but the younger man only registered the two thuds after Seunghyun’s arms were around his waist and his shivers of cold and something more evaporated. He carefully lifted his hands out of the way and rested them on Seunghyun’s broad shoulders, letting the tears that had pooled in his eyes soak into Seunghyun’s sweater as he pushed his face into the strength of his collarbone.

          A long moment passed before Seunghyun took a shaky breath and squeezed the tiny, fragile man in his arms slightly. “I don’t think… I don’t think I could tell you that.”

          Instead of answering, Jiyong sniffled and nuzzled closer.

          Seunghyun unwrapped his arm from Jiyong’s waist and ran his hand over the shaved-down - but in the process of growing-in - side of Jiyong’s hair and over his ear, making his head tilt upward just a little bit more. “I can’t imagine my life without you,” Seunghyun said softly, his lips brushing against Jiyong’s smooth forehead. “I – I love you, definitely… And it’s – it’s a different way than I love Daesung… Or Seungri, or Youngbae…”

          Jiyong kept sniffling lightly in disbelief, his tears flowing freely into the fibers of Seunghyun’s sweater, his face unbelievably hot. He slid his hand down Seunghyun’s arm and the older man intertwined their fingers for him.

          “I was just too stupid to see it for myself…” Seunghyun smirked faintly, using his free hand to cup Jiyong’s face and coax him off of his shoulder. “Jiyong…”

          Kwon Jiyong was and would always be an impulsive person.

          Sometimes he would regret his actions, sometimes he wouldn’t.

          And as he closed in on the space remaining between their lips in his next heartbeat, he knew he wouldn’t be second-guessing himself this time.

***

          Youngbae grumbled when there was a knock on his door before his alarm was set to go off the next morning. He’d had a long night and didn’t particularly want to be disturbed, but he was nurturing and he didn’t want to shut anyone out. “Come in,” he groaned into his pillow, constricting the blanket around him.

          He heard his door open and shut delicately, but he didn’t look up to see who’d come in. There were a few footsteps and whoever it was had taken a seat on the edge of his bed.

          “What do you need?” He asked, trying to not sound too grumpy, tilting his mouth off of the pillow.

          “I wanted to… To thank you.” Seunghyun’s deep voice was soft.

          Youngbae swallowed. “For what?”

          “You know. For bothering me before. To talk to Jiyong. I was being irrational, I really needed that push.”

          Youngbae pressed himself off of his stomach, leaning his head on his elbow and smiling at Seunghyun carefully, not wanting to make it seem like he was reveling in his ‘win’, or whatever Seunghyun would take it as. “Are you two alright now?”

          “We may have a bit more to figure out…” Seunghyun laced his fingers together and grinned foolishly despite himself. “But yeah. I think we’re even better now.”

          “That’s great!” Youngbae praised, reaching to pat Seunghyun’s knee. He really wanted to know what their disagreement had been over, but he didn’t pry or gloat.

          “Yeah…” Seunghyun lifted his eyes from the rug. “And I’m sorry I was so rude to you, too. I should have known you’d know best.”

          Youngbae chuckled. “It’s okay. It was just so weird when you guys weren’t talking. I had to say something… I’m sorry I had to stick my nose in and meddle.”

          “Don’t worry about it.” Seunghyun stood up and stretched. “Well, Ji and I are going out to breakfast because he missed what Daesung and I made yesterday. Go back to sleep.” He nudged Youngbae’s knees. “Seriously, go back to sleep. You look terrible.”

          Youngbae pulled a face and happily complied.

A/N: Praise the lord. Finally.
This is seriously wrapping up and thank you again ㅠ.ㅠ