Exposed Delusions ft. Jaejoong

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[Himeka]

“What?” I yelled as if the world has just turned upside down. I don’t need some crazy business after I took my grade 12 finals, “But that couldn’t have happened! We were at her house and she was perfectly happy, laughing at your pointless jokes and having fun. How could she have commited suicide?”

“Don’t cry, we have to stay strong,” He patted my shoulder, “It’s going to be alright. I miss her too. She must have been very upset with her parents divorce. So that’s why she invited us over yesterday! It must have been the last chance for her to see us.”

“No! That’s not true!” I shoved him into a locker and ran down the hall. None of those blameful glares, those dreadful words, those disastrous memories, none of it mattered anymore. All that mattered was my friend, my best friend. She could not have killed herself! Someone must be behind all this? His voice begged me back into those peaceful arms of comfort but I ignored him and kept running to a place long forgotten.

“Want to play tag?” I remembered her asking when we were only five, “Want to be friends?”

Every memory flew back to me, every moment we had together. Her laughter, her tears, her comfort.

Ayaka, where have you gone?

My legs collapsed, leaving me pounding the dirt begging for her to simply return. Why did you do this to me? Do you still remember our promise at this park?

“Forever we will be friends and forever will we stay together,” we had both said, never imagining death. It was never an issue until now.

Years we’ve been together. You, Jaejoong and I. At every event we three amigos were always there. How can the two of us now be without you? How could he even believe you committed suicide?

Back in kindergarten, remember that catastrophic birthday party? I took the hose are sprayed water at everyone and not only that I pushed you and you fell face first into the Cinderella birthday cake. Jaejoong ran around your house grabbing every piece of clothing and threw them all over the hallways. Those precious memories of you and I will never fade. Come back, my dear.

“There you are! I thought you disappeared… Don’t scare me again like that. I don’t want to lose you twice.” Jaejoong came running to me breathing heavily, “I don’t want to lose both you and Ayaka.”

“I know but…” suddenly I felt relaxed and my sorrows went away, momentarily.

“No, it’s time for you to go home.” Without another sound he walked me home.

Ayaka, I’m forgetting something but what is it? Whatever.

I seemed to have calmed down with Jaejoong near me, the comfort he is, both Ayaka and I loved his company. Last year when we disappeared for a week, well technically not disappeared, but ditched he went seriously nuts over it. He put out flyers, called every one of my friends and when he saw us he couldn’t stop crying. Ayaka and I laughed our butts off. It’s not a surprise that he leans on us so much; we’re the only family he has, now and forever.

When we were in grade 3 I think we found Jaejoong in front of our church door. Let’s just say he wasn’t in his best clothes or attitude either. Ayaka and I were seriously nice people so we decided to take him in and the three of us has never been apart from then on. Surprisingly it’s been 9 years already and we’re still as close as ever. Well, not now since Ayaka left.

“Here’s your house. Want to go to Ayaka’s house tomorrow?” he asked.

“I guess. It will be hard but I’ll have to do it sooner or later. I do want to visit before her parents move out. There were so many unforgettable memories we had there together.” Tears formed in my eyes and poured out but Jaejoong gently wiped them away and gave me a hug.

“It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be alright.” he said twice reassuring himself more than me. Without another word he left and turned the corner to our church.

It’s going to be alright, she’s still alive. Where are these thoughts coming from? But in a blink of an eye the street lights flickered, movement slowed, everything blurred and my world went black.

***

[Jaejoong]

“Wake up Jaejoong! Don’t just lay on the street for no reason. You look like a hobo!” Who was yelling at me?

I can’t seem to open my eyes. A thick sheet of black covered my vision and as I tried to pull it away the stronger it grew… I’m losing my strength, I’m losing my will. My muscles only had enough strength for one last try and I tore the black sheet apart. Even though I did so in a split second the black covered my vision again and there was a girl yelling to me in a familiar voice.

Suddenly in the black abyss they appeared, of all people, my angels, my life and my family. Closer and closer they came, smiling the enthusiastic smile I knew by heart. Jaejoong, I heard. They seem so real yet… No wait! They are real, they are them!

“Himeka! Ayaka!” I cried running right into them, “You scared me again! I thought you two left without me again.”

“Jaejoong, we aren’t real. Please.” Himerka said begging with her heart.

“Oh Jaejoong, when will you wake up? It’s already been…” her voice trailed off as they both started to disappear.

“Wait! Wait! Come back!” I yelled.

Moments flashed back into my senses, tears steamed, people yelled, nobody wanted to know the truth. Finally I remembered. Some wore black, some wore white yet many were still crying and many were in despair. I saw both of you together in your last moments with each other as we all threw white roses in front on you. Yes, those recollections that I wanted to hide. Those moments that I didn’t want to remember. The you I saw was all just memories… No it wasn’t you.

The black layer faded as my thoughts gathered and reality sunk in.

“Jaejoong!” Irina yelled.

“Oh, Irina! I…I saw Himeka, she was here I know she was.” I uttered. My face fell into my hands as tears started pouring out like an uncontrollable tap.

“Yes, I know you miss her. I do too. She’s not here anymore so try to move on Jaejoong. She would have never wanted to see you like this, living miserably everyday and imagining the impossible.” She tried to comfort.

“I realized something Irina.”

“What?”

“I’ve only been imagining her but it wasn’t her,” I admitted, “At the park she was there crying, I saw her but she’s not suppose to be there anymore.”

“I know, I’ve seen it,” she replied.

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

“Everything time you saw her, she was only a hallucination, she was never there. At my house you thought you saw my sister but you were talking to a door. I’m sorry Jaejoong. We’ve all noticed it but we never told you.”

“I thought it was her at your house but it wasn’t her. Everything was just memories.”

“I’m so sorry Jaejoong. I know it’s been a month already but Himeka left you something.” My eyes flickered to her face waiting for her reply, “She told me not to give it to you until it was a month after the day before she left.”

“You mean she left me something?”

“Come to our house,” she ordered. We sprinted to her house, shoved the door open and up the stairs we went. What I’ve been waiting for was on her desk, I hesitated but slowly I opened the letter revealing half a page of words.

Jaejoong! How are you doing? I know it has already been a month since my death but I secretly told Irina to wait and she wouldn’t have known I would suicide the day after because I told her it was a time capsule like assignment. You would probably be thinking it was seriously dumb of me to suicide but without Ayaka life just didn’t feel the same anymore. On the outside I looked like I was fine, I know since I laughed at your jokes but really I can’t do this without Ayaka. Can you forgive me? Even my parents won’t know I will suicide because I’ll make it look like an accident. Don’t tell them okay? Yeah, I can even imagine you laughing at my stupidity but I want you to know that you’re one of my most treasured family too so don’t give up. Promise me that, please.
Love you,
Himeka

Why? Why did you have to leave me too! Why!? You know I won’t listen to you and I won’t ever live without you two either. Secretly, I crept out the door as Irina went to the washroom and climbed to the roof top and looked down. Cars passed by and kids laughed. Loving parents are giving them ice cream on a hot sunny day.

I sat on the edge wondering what could be my last thought, should I come find you?

---End---

This is so old. I wrote this more than a year ago.  So yeah, I'll put some new one-shots up and just in case in you got confused Himeka already died Jae was just imagining she existed 'cause he loves her. Keke.

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