"Let's go back to my place." The unknown woman said pulling Yujin up too quickly from the chair, she felt the room spinning around.

 

The woman held her arm to help her. Yujin pushed the hand away.

 

"I'm fine." She spat out not even glancing at the woman stumbling she sat back down.

 

"You're obviously not, but I can change that."

Yujin hears the woman say back seducingly, Yujin was getting annoyed now. She really was not in the mood for this, she just wanted the warmth of her bed at this time.

 

Yujin ignores the set of eyes on her, raising the glass back to her lips the liquor in her system making her feel nauseous. After a moment, she hears the woman scoff behind her, footsteps leaving the place.

 

Yujin doesn't know since when, it all became a very numbing activity to her, going with random strangers to their homes in middle of the night, trying to leave while they're asleep. At first, she liked that there are no strings attached. At least, that's what she told herself, but as time went by it all became repetitive and the hole, she felt in her chest grew more and more hollow, no matter how much she tried to fill it in different ways. It doesn't get filled.

 

The phone in her handbag suddenly buzzed. Yujin takes out seeing none other than "Gaeul unnie" calling.

 

She thinks if should pick it up or not, remembering Gaeul words a while ago she groans as she swipes and hold the phone to her ear.

 

"Yujin!" Gaeul said on the other line surprised that she picked up for once.

 

"Unnie."

 

"The kids were asking about you, so I just thought of calling you." She clarified. Yujin didn't like that everyone has to explain themselves to her, it made her feel like they were scared to say anything wrong, like it would break her like she's made of glass. She didn't like that she makes them feel that way.

 

"Tell them am fine." Yujin tried to sound not tipsy, but her slurred words gave her away. The line went quiet for a moment, Yujin cursed herself.

 

"Yujin-ah, where are you?" Gaeul asks in a gentle tone.

 

The members don't usually ask such questions, they respect every teammate personal time it was like a silent agreement. Gaeul just broke that, and Yujin knows it's just because the older was worried about her, and weirdly it didn't bother her.

 

"Am at the bar."

 

"Are you alone?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Why don't you tell me the address, I'll join you."

 

 

A pause.

 

 

Yujin didn't know what made this time different, why she wanted her unnie's presence. Maybe that day at the restaurant's bar, something changed. Maybe, just maybe Yujin wanted to have someone to lean on for once.

 

"I'll send it to you, unnie"

 

It took roughly 15 minutes for Gaeul to get to the bar, she must have rushed here, Yujin thought.

 

Smiling lightly at her unnie not sure if her unnie took that as a good sign.

 

Gaeul smiled back, pulling the chair next to Yujin and sitting down. She called the bartender and ordered a glass of water.

 

"Aren't you drinking with me, unnie?" Yujin said slurred raising her glass for Gaeul to see.

 

Gaeul frowned a little looking at all the empty glass bottles on the table,

 

"How much did you drink?"

 

Yujin looked at the empty bottles letting out a little giggle, looking back at Gaeul she shrugs,

"I don't know."

 

Gaeul observes her.

 

"Well, you shouldn't drink too much we have a dance practice tomorrow."

 

Yujin continued drinking as if she didn't hear the older. Meanwhile, the bartender comes back with a glass of water, he places it in front of Gaeul then goes away. Gaeul pushed the glass of water towards Yujin taking the drink from her hand, "Drink."

 

"Unnieee, didn't you say you'll join me?" Yujin looks at her with puppy eyes.

 

"I think you drank enough alone." Gaeul says softly. Yujin knows this tone too well, she thinks it's just her unnie's way of talking to her specifically, so the younger wouldn't run away.

 

Sighing back Yujin takes the glass of water and sips it instead.

 

"Fine."

 

Gaeul looks at her with curious eyes for few moments and although Yujin was tipsy, she couldn't help but feel judged, just like how she usually felt when people stared. Yujin looked at her unnie trying to understand her gaze. Was she worried? Angry? Just what is she feeling seeing the younger in a pathetic state, she probably finds her disgusting. She feels the older holding her now tightly closed fist, pressed in anger. 

 

Yujin is mad, she is mad at herself.

 

"It's okay."

 

Avoiding the older eyes, tears sting Yujin eyes not knowing why, maybe it's because she didn't hear those words in so long or the way Gaeul just said it with the most understanding voice.

 

Yujin's phone suddenly pings on the table. Yujin eyes moved to it, seeing the name popping up on the screen. Gaeul looked at it then back at Yujin waiting for her next move.

 

"It's Wonyoung." Yujin says in a whisper as if she was scared if she said it any louder the younger girl would just appear from thin air.

 

"Aren't you going to respond?"

 

Yujin gulps not knowing what to do, she's not ready to talk to her. Especially after that day at the restaurant where everything went wrong, Yujin got tipsy and spat out awful words at the younger in front of the other members. At that moment, Yujin was too hurt to think right.

 

Maybe in her subconscious mind, she wanted Wonyoung to feel at least a bit of the ache in her heart, lashing out like a wounded puppy. Yujin felt horrible afterwards, the younger didn't deserve that. 

 

"Yujin?" Gaeul brought her back to earth.

 

Yujin sighs, putting the phone on airplane mode instead.

 

"I don't feel like talking to her." She said nonchalantly.

 

"Why?" Gaeul asked.

 

Yujin just stared at the glass of water in her hand, why was she avoiding Wonyoung? She never delved  deep into it although she thought her subconscious mind probably knew the answer to that.

 

"Are you upset with Wonyoung?" Gaeul pressed.

 

Yujin just frowned.

 

"Unni-"

 

"I've noticed that for months now, when she's there, majority of the time you act as if she's not."

 

.

 

Yujin looked at Gaeul with wide eyes. She thought all this time that she was acting subtly.

 

Gaeul held Yujin hand tighter.

 

"Wonyoung have consulted in me a few times before your outburst, asking me for solutions."

 

Gaeul eyes showed concern now "Since that day at the restaurant she had not talked about you at all." Yujin was surprised to say the least. She didn't expect Wonyoung to care at all about Yujin not-so-obvious distance from them especially her.

 

"Am worried about you." Gaeul said drawing Yujin attention back to her.

 

"It feels like you're all alone these days and I honestly don't how to approach you about this." The older added.

 

"Am fine." Yujin said once again dismissing the older as if she say it enough times not only who hears it would believe, she also would start to believe it.

 

"Hey beautiful." A random woman voice cuts them off suddenly addressing Yujin, approaching the table with tall high heels and short black dress, showing just the right curves. She wrapped her arms around Yujin from behind, hugging her close then planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

 

"You're here again I see." She said seductively pulling back with an arm still around Yujin's shoulder.

 

Yujin was beyond not in the mood for whatever this woman wanted. Whatever her name was, she doesn't even remember. Also, she did not want to show Gaeul this hidden side of her life. She kept it hidden for a reason. Holding the wrist around her shoulder and unwrapped it from around herself.

 

"Leave, am not in the mood." She brushed her off.

 

"Come on! I know you can't say no to me, isn't this why you always come here for anyway." The lady persisted pouting.

 

Yujin didn't know if it was the alcohol but she felt the anger inside of her surge, she turned to face the girl ready to curse at her when she felt Gaeul hand pulling her hand back.

 

"We're busy discussing something important." She heard Gaeul say respectfully "Can you leave us alone please?" She added.

 

The lady just side eyed Gaeul  as if she was competition and thankfully left them alone before Yujin did something she'd most likely regret.

 

"Whatever that was," she heard the older say, turning back around to see Gaeul sighing "Am glad she just walked away." Yujin could not hear her though, she is sure that by now the older have an idea about how Yujin spends some of her personal time and she started to feel the anxiety bubbling inside her chest and panic taking over. Gaeul was acting too calm for this situation, and Yujin didn't know how to react to that.

 

This was all too much for Yujin to process, it was overwhelming in the state she was in, first about Gaeul's concern then Wonyoung, And the final nail to the coffin, the nameless woman. She couldn't even start to comprehend.

 

 

No.

 

 

Yujin doesn't want to comprehend. She let the older get too close, and in split seconds she saw something she shouldn't have, no one should. Pulling back panicked she stood up abruptly making her head spin. Gaeul not expecting the younger sudden reaction and reaches out to her but she was faster, grabbing her bag she pulled whatever cash she had and dropped it on the table, not even caring that they were thousands of bills.

 

 

"Yujin-ah-"

 

 

"Am heading back to the dorm." Saying to the older, it felt like an out of body experience to her. Turning her back to the older she rushed out not hearing the older yell her name over the music.

 

 

                               --------------------

 

 

Opening her eyes, she was greeted by the strong sunlight hitting her eyes directly. She felt awful, the hangover was terrible, and the sunlight just made the feeling of nausea intensify.

 

Closing her eyes shut, she puts her arm on her eyes, groaning. Looking on the bright side, at least she found her way back to her bedroom, not knowing how she even got back in one piece.

 

Without warning she felt everything in her stomach going up, on spur of moment, she got up rushing out her room to the bathroom, not caring about who she bumped in in the process.

 

Opening the bathroom door with force, she hunched over the toilet letting everything out of her system.

 

"Unnie! Are you okay?!" She heard Liz voice coming over from the hallway. The maknae rushed to her side helping while Liz stood at the door panicked.

 

"Unnieeee" The maknae whined to Yujin worried holding her hair back helping her.

 

Yujin finishing spilling all of her guts, gathering whatever strength she has she pushed the maknae hand away.

 

"Am fine." she said out of breath. "Go." indifferently she added.

 

 

"Unnie!" Liz shouted, denying her wish.

 

 

"I said GO!" she raised her voice without looking back at the girls, her face turning red in anger.

 

The place got too quiet before Yujin heard footsteps leaving the bathroom. These kinds of mornings were not new for Yujin, though she always struggles to hide it from the girls, she's sure by now they have a slight idea. She hated how weak she became when it happened, she hated it. She hated herself. Even having to raise her voice made her even angrier at herself, she felt guilty for being harsh on the girls and pushing them away. Trying to get up weakly she fell down on the cold floor, since when did she get so weak, she couldn't even get up.

 

Taking a slow breath in she let it out and tried again, dragging her feet to the mirror she held on to the sink to steady herself, looking directly at her reflection.

 

When did her black circles get like this? She looks so exhausted, so worn out. Yujin clenched her teeth, her vision getting blurry. She quickly turns the water on and kept splashing her face. No. She can't start her morning like that, this is a constant fight she must go through. The hate. The self-loathing she feels first thing in the morning, looking at herself in the mirror, all the mistakes and shame of the past coming back to haunt her.

 

 

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

 

 

"Yujin, you alright in there?" Gaeul calm voice asked.

 

Yujin stopped splashing her face, memories of the night before came back, she remembers how she ditched the older in panic. Her eyes went wide, -

 

She steady herself once again, clearing "Am fine." She answered swiftly trying to sound composed.

 

 

A pause.

 

 

"All right, I left a glass of water on your bedside table." The older said.

 

Yujin felt a breath of relief leave .

 

"Ok."

 

Yujin refreshed quickly leaving the bathroom and walks back to her bedroom, not without missing how the girls were all gathered in the living room now laughing and joking as if they didn't see her running to the bathroom first thing in morning. She felt kind of good with no one questioning her but at the same time her heart felt kind of heavy and she could not stop herself from having the hollow feeling in her heart again, the feeling of no one caring about her well-being, she felt so alone with a house filled with laughter.

 

 

Walking back to her room, she closed the door lightly and walked back to her bed sitting on it. She felt light-headed before looking at the side table, right away she spots medicine and a glass of water with a little sticky note.

 

"Good morning! Take this to help with the hangover – your loving unnie" she reads, tears pricking her eyes again.

 

Of course, her caring unnie would make sure she was fine, she most likely just didn't want Yujin to run away again like last night.

 

Putting her fingers through her hair, she brushed it back then took the medicine with the water.

 

Maybe it wasn't such a bad morning after all.