title                   : the agony of the heart

author               : pixiemaknae

characters         : haneul (oc), changmin (dbsk)

word count       : 1,358 words

She looked up to the open, blue sky as another sigh escaped her somber lips. She vowed she could never see the sky the same way again. She was rather jealous how it managed to stay beautiful all the time and why it never failed to attract her whole attention with its captivating picturesque. There was never a day when she found its grandeur as stuffy and dull, although she probably spent the longest of time of the day staring at it.

However, it was a moment like this, when sky was somehow her only hope that she could still see it tomorrow – that she could still wake up tomorrow, staring at the same sky.

She couldn’t recall when was the last time she could be like this – feeling so free and invigorating, without even experiencing labored breathings or great pounding on her head.

But, she knew all the good things must come to an end.

Ready or not, she was aware that she couldn’t stay like that forever. She understood better than any others, than she, too, might come to a sticky end, despite her huge spirit and desire to be recuperated, to be back to her normal condition, to forget everything, and to live again – as the lively, high-spirited woman whom everybody loved – as if nothing happened. As if she never got sick at all.

Nonetheless, hope is hope.

Her gazes moved to the album she was holding tightly – something that she secretly treasured with all her heart. Her fingertips slowly traced the photos stored in it, as her bookshelf of memory attempted to remind her every single events and scenes she had gone through before she was like this.

Within the whitely faded picture,

Atop the bookshelf of memory,

We were just faintly exchanging hellos

“Me and Changmin at his housewarming party,”

She glanced at the picture which showed a little girl and boy standing next to each others. The girl, who was five months younger, was smiling casually as she threw a victory sign to the camera. Meanwhile the older boy only showed his toothy-grin as he kept his eyes closed. They were seven years old and still the naïve, happy-go-lucky kids who didn't even know a thing about the world's cruelty.

Without her knowing, a single tear managed to fall.

---

"Oppa, aren't you going to visit her?"

The man turned to his head only to catch the presence of a familiar woman. She was leaning her shoulder on the doorway with her hands crossed in front of her bust. Staring at him deeply in the eyes, she continued, "You should see her."

"I know, Jiyeon. I know," He answered, letting out a stifled sigh.

"When?"

"I don't kno-"

"Oppa," the younger interjected, "what are you waiting for, seriously? Until when will you plan to refuse meeting her? You know that she's been asking for you. Oppa, we don't know how long the disease will get to her. However, before she forgets everything... before she forgets you, just please, go see her."

"I'm... I'm afraid," he conceded eventually.

"I'm afraid that I can never see her as the same person anymore."

"She is still the Haneul you know and will forever be the Haneul you know."

"No. She will change. She will," he said again, clenching his fists tight until his knuckles turned white.

"Please, oppa. I don't want you to live in regrets."

Propping his hands on the armrest, he took his time digesting his sibling’s words. He knew she was right. He knew sooner or later, she would forget literally everything; from how she adored the pureness of blue sky, how she was crazy about cooking, and how she could even store so much feelings for him – that little, precious thing you called ‘love’.

He would be forgotten. He would be forgotten like ashes – every memories of him would be erased from her brain completely and there would be no him at all in her life – as if he never appeared or played a significant role in her life. Even the thought of this made his head unexpectedly felt light and shaky.

Could he even live with her who wouldn’t even know that they were together?

Is love really that simple for people that they could easily move on and forget?

Could he even live with her who wouldn’t even know who he was?

He realized a person could never be truly happy in their life.

She would forget him; it’s only the matter of time.

Shim Changmin abruptly got up from his seat and left.

---

"Haneul-ah, it's me."

Come back, but to the end I still couldn't say it

He tapped her shoulders.

She turned around and looked at him.

And as the time flies by

Strangely, he couldn't find any luster on her dark brown eyes he used to see.

Then, just when he's about to talk, she said the words that left him in pure shock.

"Who are you?"

The memory fades away

---

Three years later...

The man dressed in a clean, impeccable blazer, tie, and black slacks just stood there at the moment, putting his stern, cold face on. He fixated his eyes on his surroundings, accustoming himself with its unchanging look and difference from the bustling city of Seoul, despite the years that had passed by. He pulled his attire tighter as the frigid feeling in the typical autumn season began to seep into his body and bones, freezing them effortlessly.

“Changmin-ah.”

Taken aback for the slightest seconds, he finally turned back. He saw a middle-aged woman whose eyes were puffy and pink from crying, he assumed. He bowed ninety degrees to her before she finally motioned him to come with her inside a wooden, eco-friendly house.

Many seasons passed

And as we meet face to face

I still couldn’t say it

“Haneul-ah. You have a guest.”

The woman in her late twenties raised her head and met a pair of beautiful eyes of someone, whom she believed was very familiar to her, yet she couldn’t recollect anything about him at all. She ducked her head as a form of respect and formed her lips into a small, shy smile.

After bowing back, he settled himself in the sofa across where she was seated. He stared at her with the feelings of love, hope, and care all mingled together. He just stayed like that until he gained his courage and composure to finally talk.

“Do you… remember me?”

She slanted her head, her face showing confusion. “Do I know… you?”

He tilted his head down before answering her, “No, I guess,” he said as his facial expression turned milder. Raising one hand to where his heart lied, he later on added, “I’m Shim Changmin.”

“Shim… Changmin.”

His heart trembled uncontrollably upon hearing her saying his name. He swore it was the most rejoicing thing that he was finally able to hear her speak in that soft, lovable tone of her. I guess she never changed at all, he said to himself.

“Haneul-ssi, what do you think about the sky?”

“The… sky?” She instinctively held her head high and looked at the view outside from the window. “It’s really… beautiful. And what do you think abo--”

She stopped her tracks of words all of a sudden. “Why are you… crying?”

The coldhearted man is crying

At our parting, even she’s crying

The time within tears cut apart

From the faded memory-window fragments

“A-Ah, no, no, I’m not,” He excused himself, wiping his own fat tears away with his hands briskly.

Nevertheless, even though he wished, he couldn’t stop the cascade of tears to roll to his cheeks anymore. He couldn’t even tell why he was crying. Was it because he was just plain sad? Was it because he knew there wasn’t any chance to hope again? Or was it because his heart shattered again even after the countless heartbroken?

The suffering heart couldn’t hold back any longer

And it’s chasing after your distant figure

“It’s just… I love… you. Always and will always be.”

You wouldn’t know, the tears of broken boy

The tired sighs circling around you, so you can’t stand it

I will send our tangled memories

That has been tightening around the throat venomously, to the saddened sky

---

Inspiration: TRAX – 가슴이 차가운 남자(Let You Go)