I went straight to the dorm, feeling weak and empty. I did not even bother to turn on the lights because it’s easier for me to cry in the dark. Because if I turn on the lights, everything will just remind me of him…and I don’t want to break down.

I never meant to end our relationship like that, but the emotional rollercoaster left me tired and broken. I know Jiyong’s just a child, so I tried to make adjustments for him.

But why is it that it’s always me who makes compromises?

I know I’ve always said in the past that I want someone who’s consistent, someone who’s unchanging. I just realized I broke all of that when I met Jiyong.

Cute Jiyong…

Hateful Jiyong…

Childish Jiyong…

Teasing Jiyong…

Sweet Jiyong…

He has so many sides of him; I don’t know what to think. I guess it’s safe to say he’s driving me crazy. But I guess that was part of his charm.

I thought that love was enough to make a relationship work, but it’s not. It is, supposedly. But in order for it to work, it has to be reciprocated. And I just can’t feel it. Even though I wasn’t that experienced when it comes to love, I know when you’re not wanted by the person you loved. And Jiyong just made me feel that I’m more of a nuisance to him when I decided to drop by last night.

It was the second night of Big Show, and me and the girls just arrived from Japan. All I could think about during the flight was our anniversary the next day. I thought it would be nice to drop by and say hello to him. I even bought some of that pork sandwiches he love. I just wanted to surprise him but I guess it was me who was surprised.

The moment Big Bang went inside the waiting room, I greeted them congratulations. Everyone seemed surprised and happy that I was there. And Jiyong…he just looked tired and uninterested. I shrugged it off and got the sandwiches from my bag.

“Oppa, I bought these for you. You want some?” I said to him. He just gave me a grunt and said, “Not really. I’m not hungry.”

I let out a small smile and just gave it to the other members who took it gratefully. While eating, Daesung said, “It’s your third anniversary tomorrow, right? What are your plans?”

“I’ve asked the girls to watch the concert.” Jiyong replied. Daesung grimaced and exclaimed, “What?! That’s it?! How unromantic!”

Jiyong just shrugged and said, “Can’t be helped. We’ll be busy tomorrow and tired too.”

I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. He looked totally indifferent, clearly unconcerned about the fact that our anniversary would be the next day.

Just how important am I to you, Jiyong? I asked myself. I slowly stood up and went near him. “I’ll go ahead then,” I said. “Should I call you later?”

“Don’t bother. I’m really tired.”

Every word he just said broke my heart. Scratch that… Every word he said crushed my heart into pieces until it has turned to dust.

”I promise to never push you away.”

Lies.

”I promise to be with you forever.”

Lies.

“I promise not to make you cry.”

Lies.

Why do you keep on making promises you’ll just break at the end?

Why?

I walked out of the room wearing a forced smile and hoped that no one noticed I’m already hurting. But I suppose it hasn’t escaped Taeyang. He followed me as I left, and said, “I’ll go with you, noona.”

When Jiyong and I decided to date each other, Taeyang also became my best friend. We were both closest to Jiyong and we both understand him and his eccentricity. Back then, he said something to me.

”If it’s just going to be a relationship of hardship and mental agony, you should put an end to it.”

The tears that I’ve been holding started to fall as I remember what I said to him.

“I know Jiyong and I don’t have the perfect relationship, but I love him. And I definitely won’t give up on him.”

I felt Taeyang’s arms wrap around me as I cried to my heart’s content. “I…I’m so confused, right now, Youngbae. W-what should I do?”

“Follow what makes you happy,” he replied.

What makes me happy? That would be Jiyong. But he’s also the reason why I’m crying.

“It’s still you who makes the decision,” Taeyang continued. And I resolved that he was right.

I finally decided to let go of Jiyong, not because I wanted to create drama, but because I wanted to be happy.

But right now, with me leaning on the door, I never felt so sad and alone and it made me wonder.

Have I made the right decision?