Chapter 4

Let’s be braver, Tae. Take a small leap once at a time… The same old lies Taeyeon would tell herself because of the terrifying feeling of falling, having a freefall and having no control of her feelings, still haunts her until now.

It’s like a bridge she cannot cross. She still couldn’t embrace her own emotions, hence, it controls her.

Receiving feelings of love are no longer unfamiliar to her, however, giving back and reacting to love is her issue. The tendencies of emotional pain, the anxiousness of rejection and future potential abandonment are what she fears the most.

It’s so terrifying that someone has complete access to your heart and to your life when you know they can either nurture it or ruin it. There’s no in-between.

Hence, her feet became rooted in the same place.

The bridge between her and Tiffany remained uncrossed and unexplored. All the longing and what-ifs became heart aches.

Taeyeon has been feeling uneasy for days now. Why? Cause Tiffany hasn’t called her ever since that night of confession.

FLASHBACK

That night when she stayed at Tiffany’s apartment waiting for the rain to stop, Tiffany offered her tea and some food and they shared it together while watching the rain on the window falling down the streets. Taeyeon noticed the flowers on Tiffany’s vase that were in the centre of the coffee table.

“Sunflowers?” Taeyeon asked.

“Yeah.” Tiffany grinned.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen one in person,” Taeyeon recalled. She’s been avoiding the flower as it makes her remember her dumb decision years ago.

“Makes you remember memories?” Tiffany lightly threw the question in a joking manner.

But blame the weather for causing Taeyeon to feel so blue and melancholic.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon said sincerely. There, she finally said it. The apology she should have said years ago. She puts down her spoon on her plate and reaches out for Tiffany’s hand.

And Tiffany, of course, understands.

She gave Taeyeon an easy smile.

“For what? Dumping me? Don’t be. You did the right thing.” Tiffany joked.

“No, I think you need to hear this from me. This might be the closure that we both needed for years.”

Tiffany was a bit confused, “What do you mean ‘we’?”

“I used to like you before too,” Taeyeon confessed.

Tiffany smiled sadly, “I know, I got the text. Too bad I was already in the States at that time. And that confession won’t change the fact that you’ve rejected me and broken my heart. We could’ve happened, you know?”

“Wrong place and time, I guess.” Taeyeon sighed and Tiffany did too.

“I never liked someone as much as I liked you, you know. You caught my attention from day one. And then I get to know you more and I find you more and more interesting each day. Like I was drawn to you. I couldn’t resist the pull. And then suddenly I couldn’t see no one else but you. Maaann, I had it real bad.” Tiffany chuckled. Taeyeon did too.

“It’s funny how all I wanted to do is stay lowkey and invisible yet you see me and find me as the most interesting thing that caught your eyes.”

They were both laughing and smiling at the fond memories they have shared. None of them know who initiated it first, but they found themselves holding each other’s hand as they continued the talk and reminisce.

Somewhere along the way, Tiffany leaned on Taeyeon’s shoulder and Taeyeon gladly let her.

For a while, they only shared the comfortable silence. But Tiffany is seemingly contemplating something hard in her mind.

In the end, she finally decided to share it with Taeyeon instead of keeping it to herself. Being the brave person she always is.

“Those sunflowers, I still like them,” Tiffany said.

Taeyeon looked at her and replied, “I thought you'd hate them. I mean after what happened on that rainy day.”

“I never hated it, nor hated you. In fact, I still want it. I still want... you. Even after all these years.

As cliche, as it might sound, you are my first love. And I can’t forget my first love. I think I was never really getting over my feelings for you. And now we meet again. I want to believe that is what people call fate. Destiny.

So I was wondering.. what would you say this time if I ask you the same question I asked you 17 years ago when we were 17? What if we try again?”

“W-What do you mean?” Taeyeon nervously stammered.

“I’d still do anything for you. I’ll change the weather for you. I’ll chase away the rain and put back the sun for you… I still like you and I’m still in love with you, Kim Taeyeon. So how about you?”

Taeyeon, once again, was petrified by her own feelings. Scared and unsure she might hurt the person she loves again for the second time.

The distance of the bridge between her and Tiffany became longer and longer, and she couldn’t see the good things that might happen if she accepted Tiffany’s love. All she could see is the fear of hurting and disappointing the person she loves if she was not enough and worthy of the love being offered to her.

She’s here because she wants to repent her sin to Tiffany, not doubling it and causing even more pain to the woman. Tiffany doesn’t deserve any more pain and sadness. Especially the ones caused by Taeyeon.

‘It’s been years and yet, I’m still that coward Taeyeon. She can get anyone she wants. Someone who is 10 times, 100 times better than me. But maybe she needs to know my fear. At least I can give her my honesty this time. One step at a time.”

And so she replied, “Tiffany…you deserve better. Sorry, I—”

Tiffany suddenly stood up and coldly told her, “The rain has stopped. Maybe you should leave.”

“But Tiffany..” Taeyeon hastily grabbed her arm and Tiffany looked at her. Her eyes told Taeyeon all the truths she needed to hear. It was sad, pleading and hurting.

“Please, Taeyeon. Leave.” Tiffany pulled her hand away from Taeyeon’s grasp.

Let me go. This is what Tiffany didn’t say out loud but Taeyeon can hear it anyway. So she did.

“Okay.”

Tiffany held the door wide open for Taeyeon to leave. As if she desperately wants the older one to leave immediately.

“I am sorry,” Taeyeon said to Tiffany and kissed Tiffany’s cheek, bidding her goodbye.

For the second time, her first love was gone, just like that.

She felt pain again… pain she caused herself. And now, she watched the bridge burning right in front of her eyes. All the self-inflicted pain she caused herself just because she couldn’t convey love.

Back to the present time,

Taeyeon wanted to reach out to Tiffany first but she doesn’t know how. She had a realization that all this time, she was afraid to love Tiffany because she doesn’t want to hurt the woman but when she saw Tiffany’s eyes that night, she realized she was already hurting her with her apologies and her being unable to transcend her love. The woman hasn't been replying ever since that fateful night.

She would see Tiffany on her window doing her early jogging but this time not stopping by at her house. It hurts but she knew it was her fault again.

The person you love suddenly became a stranger.

“I know I don’t deserve to talk to her anymore, but I couldn’t bear the feelings inside my heart.”

She spent days and more days of thinking until she noticed and remember something. The woman would wear colours that Taeyeon would write on her horoscope column as the lucky colour of the day.

“Maybe it’s just coincidence? But this is my last shot. Let’s try.” Taeyeon wrote her column for tomorrow.

‘For Leo, lucky number 2, the lucky colour pink! Today may be a sad day, but cheer up! All wounds will heal in time. But don’t forget to give time, time. All is well. Most compatible sign, Pisces.’

“This would do,” Taeyeon uttered and hope that her hunches are correct.

The next day, she saw Tiffany in her pink sportswear while doing