Part 4

 

"I think I like you." 

 

How long has Karina been questioning her feelings for her bestfriend?

 

Six months? 

 

Six long months ang pagkakalito niya. Six long months niyang tinatanong sa sarili niya kung hindi ba siya nababaliw dahil sa nararamadaman niya. 

 

Anim na buwan niyang kinikimkim ang namumuong pagkakagusto niya kay Ryujin. 

 

She questioned everything. Mga kilos ni Ryujin, mga sinasabi niya, binibigyan niya lahat ng meaning.

 

Pero wala namang pagbabago.

 

Ryujin was the same. 

 

She was sweet, maalaga and was always concerned kay Karina. 

 

Kapag naglalakad sila ng sabay, may kiliti na nararamadaman si Karina sa mga daliri niya. Somehow she wanted to hold Ryujin hands

 

But that's the thing.

 

They always held hands — so casually even when they walked or when they sat, their hands always found each other.

 

But now, Karina felt shy. Kasi iba na yung intention na iniisip niya.

 

She wants to hold Ryujin's hand more than a friend would — whatever that may be.

 

Kapag nag-uusap sila, napapatingin na lang si Karina sa mga labi ni Ryujin unconsciously. Ngayon lang niya ba nanotice? That Ryujin's lips curved a little lopsided kapag tumatawa siya or kahit mag smile man lang?

 

She always found Ryujin's eyes so captivating but now it was hypnotizing. 

 

It was as if she was being pulled in.

 

At one point, napa lean pa si Karina sa mukha ni Ryujin kakatitig niya and she only snapped out of it when Ryujin looked at her funny and made space sa kanilang dalawa.

 

Karina remembers how embarrassed she felt not only dahil sa ginawa niya, pati na rin sa expression na Ryujin.

 

Ryujin looked at her as if she grew three heads.

 

Minsan sa kakatitig niya kay Ryujin ay hindi na siya nakikinig sa bestfriend niya. Karina was frequently out of it.

 

Yung isip niya lumilipad kahit saan, mostly about may Ryujin — stuff she hadn't thought before. 

 

Naiinis si Karina na ganun na lang ang mga iniisip niya tungkol sa kaibigan niya. 

 

It felt inappropriate thinking like that about Ryujin tapos walang alam ang kaibigan niya that her feelings were bordering out of just friendship.

 

Kinausap niya ang mga kaibigan niya tungkol dito, just to make sense if it all. 

 

But they all said the same. 

 

You like Ryujin. 

 

Kaya naman for months she tortured herself with that thought until hindi na niya makaya.

 

It was overwhelming.

 

She had to tell her. 

 

"You think you like me?" Patanong balik ni Ryujin sa kanya. Nakakunot ang noo niya, trying to make sense of what Karina just said.

 

Think?

 

Nagiguilty si Karina. Parang hindi tama.

 

Based lang sa expression ni Ryujin, mukhang na offend pa. Karina might have hurt her for prematurely confessing. 

 

Karina only sighed heavily and then covered her face with her hands. "I don't know, I'm so confused Ryu. Sorry. Dapat hindi ko na lang sinabi sayo without knowing myself."

 

Nasa condo sila ni Karina. It was one of their sleepovers. Plano nila mag marathon ng Bridgerton pero mukhang hindi matutuloy.

 

Karina felt Ryujin move closer to her. Napatingin si Karina kay Ryujin who was wearing a pained expression. 

 

Mali talaga ang ginawa niya.

 

"I'm sorry, Ryujin." 

 

"Rina," Ryujin started. "Why do you think you like me?" 

 

"Everyone says that I like you," she blurted out.

 

Mas lalo naman kumunot ang noo ni Ryujin. This time, napaupo siya palayo kay Karina.

 

Mali ulit. 

 

"So napressure ka lang?" Ryujin asked, may konting galit na sa boses niya.

 

Alarmed, Karina vigorously shook her head no. "No, hindi lang yan. Sorry kung yun ang sinabi ko."

 

Napatayo si Karina, unable to suppress her feelings. "I don't know what I'm feeling, Ryu. Hindi ko alam kung ano to but lately I don't look at you the same." 

 

Karina was starting to ramble. She was pacing back and forth, hands flying all over the place as she talked.

 

She pointed at herself. "I want to hold your hand, I want to hug you, I want to do things with you. Tapos hindi ko alam pero gusto kitang makita all the time. Gusto kitang tingnan all the time. I want to be with you all the time," she said, deflated.

 

Nalilitong tiningnan ni Ryujin si Karina. "We do all of those, Rina."

 

"I know," she sighed, frustrated. "Nalilito ako kasi alam kong ginagawa natin yun pero bakit may kulang?." 

 

Parang nasasakal si Karina sa nararamdaman niya. "I'm sorry kung nasabi ko to ng wala sa oras pero I felt the need to do it. I don't want to blindside you." 

 

"So what do you want?" 

 

Confused, she looked at Ryujin.

 

"What do you want to happen, Rina?" 

 

"H-hindi ko alam," Karina replied, feeling down. 

 

"Karina, I like you," Ryujin suddenly confessed which made Karina look at her with wide eyes. "Hindi ko to sinasabi to pressure you pero with all of this, I thought you needed to know. I've been meaning to tell you but with everything that happened, hindi ko na natuloy." 

 

"Gaya mo, I don't want to blindside you. I don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage of our friendship kaya sinasabi ko sayo to."

 

Ryujin paused, trying to gauge Karina's reaction. Nang wala pa rin masabi si Karina, Ryujin stood up. 

 

"I like you, more than a friend," sabi niya ulit. "I don't want to influence your decision because of my feelings."

 

Unti-unti nagligpit si Ryujin ng gamit which alarmed Karina.

 

"Aalis ka?" 

 

Tumango si Ryujin. "I think I should leave. Just think about what you want, Rina. Hindi naman ako mawawala," she gave her a small smile. "I don't want you to beat yourself up sa nararamdaman mo. Take your time. It stings a little," she chuckled, pointing at her chest. "Kasi ako, I know what I want. And if we pursue what I want pero hindi ka 100% sure sa nararamdaman mo, then I don't want it." 

 

Hindi na makasalita si Karina. Ryujin did not mince her words kasi totoo naman. It would be unfair and Karina wouldn't want to hurt Ryujin in any way.

 

Alam na ni Karina how it feels not to be reciprocated — yung naghahabol ka sa wala. She found that out the hard way. At ayaw niyang gawin yun sa kaibigan niya. 

 

If anything, Ryujin deserves someone who can give them their whole self without any doubts or confusion. 

 

Gusto sana ni Karina na wag na umalis si Ryujin because she wanted to spend time with her but that's just being selfish.

 

"Rina, I like you but I don't want us to hurt each other," Ryujin continued. "Ayaw ko rin mawala ka as my friend. You are my friend first at important yun para sa akin."

 

Karina needs to figure out what she wants. One of the main reasons that really pulls Karina back is yung friendship nila.

 

Sobrang mahalaga si Ryujin for Karina that she can't fathom not having Ryujin in her life. It's hard to even think about it.

 

Karina loves Ryujin, that much is true.

 

But to what extent?

 

Sinundan na lang ni Karina si Ryujin who was already putting her shoes on.

 

Bago pa tuluyan lumabas si Ryujin sa condo, she turned to her bestfriend and gave her a reassuring smile. "I'll see you at work." 

It's not like Ryujin is completely ignoring Karina, she isn't. Imposible naman kasi seeing as they work together and sit beside each other.

 

Ryujin is giving her space.

 

May distance sa kanilang dalawa.

 

And Karina hates it.

 

Kasi kahit ang lapit-lapit ni Ryujin, parang ang layo niya. Hindi niya makausap si Ryujin like before because one, nahihiya siya and two, she wants to respect Ryujin, and three, she does need the space.

 

Pero ang hirap.

 

Para siyang nangungulila. 

 

There's a gnawing feeling in her chest that Karina can't explain. And it hurts to have her bestfriend only nod at her in acknowledgement or throw a sad smile at her whenever their eyes would meet. 

 

Nakakapanibago lang kasi hindi naman ganito si Karina kay Ryujin. Even though they are joined to the hip, they still lead separate lives. Even when Ryujin would leave to the states to visit family, hindi nangungulila si Karina.

 

Hindi nga sila palagi nag-uusap kapag ganun! They somehow always found themselves in the same spot whenever Ryujin would come back. 

 

Pero bakit ang hirap kahit katabi lang niya si Ryujin? Bakit ang sad? 

 

She was starting to lose sleep over it as well.

 

Para kasi siyang nakipagbreak na ewan. 

 

Karina misses Ryujin so much and it showed!

 

Three days in and Karina has somehow lost her drive to do anything at work. Instead, tinitigan lang niya si Ryujin who was sitting across from her.

 

Busy lang si Ryujin kakatitig sa monitor niya with her headphones on. Karina could clearly see how Ryujin's eyebrow creased in concentration and how she chewed her lips when she couldn't figure something out.

 

Habit na ni Ryujin na gawin yun at palagi siyang pinagsabihan ni Karina kasi dumudugo yung mga labi niya in the end. 

 

Frustrated, Karina finally stood up from her seat and walked the three steps to Ryujin's table. She reached to caress Ryujin's face, thumb just grazing the side of her lip.

 

Nagulat naman si Ryujin at inalis ang headphones habang nalilito niyang tinitingnan si Karina.

 

"Dudugo labi mo," Karina warned. Inalis niya ang kamay niya sa mukha ni Ryujin when Ryujin's lips slowly parted.

 

Hindi mawala ang titig ni Karina sa mga labi ni Ryujin. Especially when she ran her tongue on her swollen lip.

 

Napalunok si Karina, heart beating erratically.

 

Hindi na niya hinintay pa sumagot si Ryujin because she suddenly panicked at the sudden change of her heart rate. 

 

Umupo na lang siya sa desk niya, slowly counted to ten while she breathed deeply. Napahawak siya sa dibdib niya at tumingala.

 

Her eyes met Ryujin's curious ones at imbes na nagpapakalma siya, mas lalo naman lumakas ang tibok ng puso niya.

 

Omg, inaatake ba ako sa puso? 

 

Karina quickly looked away and hid her face behind her monitor. Ramdam na ramdam niya ang init ng tenga niya when she put on her headphones. Pati na rin pisngi niya, parang lumiliyab dahil sa init. 

 

Sobrang lamig sa opisina nila pero pinagpawisan na lang siya bigla at hinubad ang shot niyang cardigan. 

 

Anong nangyayari sa akin? 

 

Napatalon na lang siya when she felt cold hands on her very warm shoulder.

 

Ryujin. 

 

"Okay ka lang ba?" 

 

Karina just nodded her head absentmindedly. Iniiwasan niya rin ang mga mata ni Ryujin. "Y-yeah," she stuttered. Clearing , she turned to look at her monitor again and pretended to look busy.

 

Ryujin just cast her a worried look before siya bumalik sa table niya. Hindi niya inalis ang tingin niya kay Karina, nagbabakasakali na tumingin din siya sa direction niya.

 

But Karina was stubborn and determined not to look in Ryujin's direction. Magkakastiff neck na nga siya with how much pressure she's putting on her neck para hindi tingnan si Ryujin.

 

Binaling na ulit ni Ryujin ang attention niya sa work niya when Karina didn't even move an inch. She sighed before putting her headphones back on.

 

Sumakit lang ang ulo ni Karina sa ginawa niya. 

 

Mas lalo naman sumakit ulo ni Karina when she couldn't put a name to what she was feeling when she saw Ryujin with one of their coworkers. 

 

Ang close nila.

 

The girl clung onto Ryujin's arm like a koala. Akala pa ni Karina na aalisin ni Ryujin ang hawak ng babae but instead, she held the girl'$ hand as they both laughed!

 

Ano ba ang nakakatawa sa sinabi ng girl?

 

Karina only looked at them with a frown.

 

"Alam mo, kung nakakatunaw lang ang tingin, kanina pa natunaw yan si Chaehyun." 

 

Karina jumped in surprise. Nilingon niya kung saan nanggaling ang boses and found a grinning Miyeon behind her.

 

Miyeon is her supervisor. Sa sobrang ganda niya, naging instant crush siya ni Karina on her first day.

 

Pati na rin jowa ni Miyeon na si Miss Sana.

 

Sobrang ganda nila, it was hard not to have a crush on both.

 

"Pansin ko lang hindi kayo masyadong magkasama ng bff mo lately kahit magkatabi kayo," pansin ni Miyeon. "LQ ba kayo?" 

 

Anong LQ?

 

Napasimangot si Karina. "No," she said bitterly. "We're good naman," sabi niya. She wasn't entirely lying. They were good. She just didn't know if they were good like before. 

 

Mukhang hindi naniwala si Miyeon sa kanya but didn't press any further. She just gave Karina a knowing look before she told Karina na sana maayos nila whatever has them apart kasi namimiss ni Miyeon makita ang dimpled smile ni Karina.

 

That made Karina stop short sa ginawa niya.

 

Halata na ba masyado na para akong wala sa sarili? 

 

Napatingin ulit siya kay Ryujin who was still hanging by Chaehyun's desk, laughing. 

 

There was that weird feeling in the pit of her stomach again. Para siyang nasusuka na ewan.

 

Nangangati siyang puntahan si Ryujin at hilain siya pabalik sa side nila. But she only shook the crazy thoughts away. 

 

It was frustrating.

 

She can't name the feeling but Karina knows she doesn't like it.

 

At isa lang ang nasa isip ni Karina: she can't stand the stupid space between her and Ryujin. It has to end.

 

Kailangan na nilang mag-usap.

Ngayon lang yata naging kabado si Karina to meet Ryujin.

 

By the end of the week, she gathered what little strength she had left para hilain si Ryujin sa pantry ng opisina nila at kausapin na magkita sila sa condo niya after work. 

 

Agad naman pumayag si Ryujin sa request niya. Ryujin did not miss the slight tremble in Karina's voice when she asked. 

 

The past few days, nag reflect kang si Karina sa newfound feelings na nararamdaman niya. She wanted to convince herself that namimiss lang niya ang kaibigan niya but she knew better.

 

Nang mahimasmasan siya sa denial niya, she slowly succumbed to the hard truth: one, the butterflies in her stomach could only mean that she had been nursing a growing likeness for her friend. And two, she was jealous of Chaehyun. 

 

Ayaw man niyang aminin yung pangalawa but the fact that she wanted so much to claw Chaehyun's arm off of Ryujin spoke volumes.

 

And her friends' voices rang through her head like a loud gong: you like Ryujin. 

 

Of ing course.

 

Nilamon ni Karina kung anong takot man ang meron siya for liking her best friend and fully acknowledged her feelings. 

 

I like her. 

 

She wanted to say friendship be damned pero she couldn't. As much as she is scared to lose Ryujin in her life, gusto niya rin malaman how things would go for them if ever Ryujin agrees to her request.

 

And Karina would like to think it would go so well. They are the best of friends — their dynamic should translate well in other aspects of their relationship, right? 

 

Sabi nga ng iba that a good friendship is a great foundation for a romantic relationship.

 

Karina really wants to believe that. 

Natarantang tumayo si Karina nang marinig niya ang pagbukas ng front door. Hindi siya mapakali, nalilito kung uupo ba siya or tatayo na lang habang hihintay niyang makapasok si Ryujin.

 

Hindi na sila nagsabay pumunta sa condo ni Karina after work. Ryujin had to drop by somewhere first at uuwi muna sa apartment niya. 

 

It was a good thing they didn't go together. It would have been awkward. At kinailangan ni Karina mag ready sa sarili niya. She needed to do some self pep talk.

 

Karina stood in the middle of her living room with much anticipation. Parang hindi siya makahinga habang tinitingnan niya yung doorknob.

 

And then her breath stopped short when Ryujin finally opened the door. She invited herself in, eyes curiously looking at Karina looking petrified in the middle of the living room. 

 

Mabilis lang naghubad si Ryujin ng sapatos at dumiretso sa kusina ni Karina as if she owned the place. Natauhan naman bigla si Karina and blinked rapidly while her eyes followed Ryujin's every move. 

 

Ryujin fit so perfectly in her home. 

 

"I brought food on the way here," sabi ni Ryujin habang nilapag niya ang isang plastic bag sa kitchen table. "I figured magugutom tayo maya-maya." 

 

Sa pagmamadali at pagpanic ni Karina kanina, hindi na niya naisip ang pagkain. She just really wanted to talk.

 

Para na kasi siyang sasabog.

 

"O-okay thanks," she stuttered. 

 

Karina likes to think that she is confident. She takes pride in the fact that she can face any obstacles head on kasi alam niya na kakayanin niya in the end.

 

Pero parang tumakbo yung lakas ng loob niya now that she's sitting beside Ryujin on her couch.

 

She just kept opening and closing unable to form words she had rehearsed the night before.

 

Ang hirap.

 

Pansin naman ni Ryujin yung itsura ng kaibigan niya at hinawakan niya ang nanlalamig na kamay ni Karina. 

 

Gulat na hinarap siya ni Karina and Ryujin offered her a small smile.

 

There's that lopsided smile again that Karina has recently grown fond of.

 

"Take your time." Ryujin squeezed her hand. 

 

Nodding, Karina took a deep breath.

 

She looked at Ryujin straight. Ngayon lang niya napansin na may peklat pala siya on her right eyelid, just below her mole.

 

Ang daming new discovery ni Karina sa kaibigan niya.

 

Karina focused on that small detail in Ryujin's eyes and that somehow calmed her down.

 

This is it.

 

"I want to try," she finally said. She her dry lips, nervousness still seeping through. "I want to try us," she reiterated.

 

"Us?" Tanong ni Ryujin. Gusto niya yung klaro because the "us" Karina has referred to could mean anything.

 

"Gusto kita, Ryu, this time I'm sure," she confessed. "And I'm sorry sa sinabi ko before. It was stupid of me to say that and I know nasaktan kita. I like you, not because they said that I do, but because I just do. And I'm sorry ang tagal kong narealize. I guess natakot lang ako." 

 

Tahimik lang na nakatingin si Ryujin kay Karina, trying to process everything.

 

But Karina took the silence differently. 

 

Bigla siyang natakot at nagsalita ulit. "I know that we could be risking our friendship. To be honest, yun yung kinakatakutan ko." Uminit ang mukha ni Karina, naiiyak sa idea na baka mawala si Ryujin sa buhay niya. "You're too important to me and ayokong mawala ka sa buhay ko. But I don't want to live asking the what if's."

 

Ryujin's gaze softened. Kanina lang, tinatanong niya ang sarili niya kung pwede ba now that Karina confessed. Syempre, she had her doubts especially when Karina questioned her feelings at first. You can't blame her for protecting herself.

 

But seeing Karina pouring her heart out without a hint of uncertainty in her voice, got her lowering her walls.

 

Kasi gusto niya rin.

 

She also doesn't want to live asking the what if's.

 

Because right now, she's asking, 'what if it could work?' 

 

At alam ni Ryujin that they're putting their friendship on the line. She has thought about it a million times before.

 

But in the end, Ryujin has selflessly thought that she will always be Karina's friend. 

 

No matter what. 

 

"I want to give us a chance, Ryu," Karina whispered, blinking back her tears. 

 

Ryujin stared at her best friend for a moment, studying every contour of her face. Minsan iniisip ni Ryujin kung totoong tao ba si Karina dahil sa sobrang ganda niya.

 

Hindi naman siya bulag para sabihin na hindi niya nagustuhan si Karina dahil sa mukha niya. That would be a lie.

 

Ang mga mata ang unang nagkakagusto, sabi nga nila. 

 

But superficiality aside, Karina is just so wonderful, she isn't hard to like. Plus na talaga that she's gorgeous.

 

Ryujin finally broke out a smile which made Karina sigh in relief.

 

"Okay," nakangising sabi ni Ryujin.

 

"Okay?" 

 

"Yeah, we'll give this —" Ryujin said pointing at her and then at Karina. "We'll give us a try." 

They ate in silence. Hindi naman awkward. It's the kind of silence where you appreciate your company.

 

After their talk, hinanda na nila yung pagkain na dinala ni Ryujin. 

 

Mang Inasal.

 

It was just a quick run at matagal na siyang hindi nakakain neto. Okay na rin at gusto ni Karina ang inihaw na manok.

 

That's one thing Ryujin likes about