Part 3

Winter knew her relationship was starting to fall apart. 

 

Matagal na.

 

Napapansin niyang unti-unti ng bumitaw si Isa sa kanya. 

 

But she chose to ignore it.

 

Kasi kampante siya sa tagal ng relationship nila. They were nearing ten years. Kung anong problema man ito, they were going to get through it.

 

Because they were Isa and Winter: high school sweethearts, together since they were 17. 

 

Ang hindi niya alam, kung kailan nagsimula. 

 

Masaya silang sabay grumaduate — Winter in BS Architecture and Isa in BS Accounting. They were achieving their dreams together — dreams that they whispered in hush voices, promising each other love and success when they were 18.

 

At si Winter nagpromise kay Isa na kahit ano man ang mangyari, sila pa rin dalawa and she won't give up on them until she does the groundbreaking of their future house.

 

Pero anong nangyari? 

 

Saan nagsimula ang pagiging malayo nila sa isa't-isa? 

 

After graduation ba when they decided to move in together? Luckily, pinayagan sila ng parents nila. Excited na tumira in under one roof. 

 

Was it when Isa first started working? Her real big girl, 9-5 job at a big firm while Winter struggled to land one kasi hindi pa siya licensed architect? And when she finally landed her first big girl job, Winter felt like wala pa rin siyang na achieve because by the time she was starting out, Isa was already moving up.

 

Was it the insecurity? Again, Winter ignored all of those. Basta kasama niya si Isa, diba? 

 

O di kaya nagsimula siya when Winter started preparing for the boards while working her big girl job? 

 

Or was it when she failed to pass the boards the first time around? 

 

Ang daming pagbabago sa buhay nila that they weren't prepared for. As a matter of fact, wala nga silang pinag-usapan tungkol sa mga changes pagtungtong nila sa adulthood. 

 

For Winter, what mattered was the now — that Isa was there. Pero Isa began to have other dreams. Isa dreamed bigger dreams with Winter in it pero hindi mahabol ni Winter ang gusto ni Isa. 

 

Winter wanted to cement her career as an architect.

 

Isa wanted to settle down and travel the world with Winter. Isa was set sa career niya. She was just waiting for Winter to catch up. 

 

Pero ayaw ni Winter. 

 

Ever since they were 17, they were doing things together, achieving things together. Pero ngayon, ibang-iba na. Hindi sanay si Winter na siya lang mag-isa ang humahabol sa mga pangarap niya. 

 

Winter wasn't used to getting left behind.

 

Overwhelmed na sa pressure and stress si Winter na napabayaan na niya sarili niya, mga kaibigan niya, pati na rin si Isa. 

 

Ito ba ang nangyayari when you set expectations you can't meet?

 

Mas masakit pala kapag ikaw mismo lang ang kalaban mo. 

 

Paano nagsimula ang pagtatapos nila? 

 

Because before Winter could even blink, tapos na sila. 

 

Akala ni Winter may time pa siya. Akala niya, malalagpasan nila ang pagsubok na to. Nalagpasan nga nila yung mala-dugong last year ng college nila, eto pa kaya?

 

But Winter was very wrong.

 

Adult problems needed adult solutions — something Winter didn't have. 

 

She kept brushing all the signs under the rug, she didn't realize it was starting to pile up.

 

The missed dates were fine, Isa understood that. Winter was busy.

 

But the broken promises, the unwillingness to compromise, the greed, the selfishness, the insecurity, the stagnancy in their relationship and their individuality — it was beginning to suffocate Isa. 

 

Pagkatapos ng tenth anniversary nila, nakipaghiwalay si Isa. Isang madugong away ang nangyari. 

 

"So, iiwan mo ako dahil successful ka na? Hindi na ako sapat sayo dahil hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong licensya? Ang babaw mo naman, Isa," pag-sigaw ni Winter. 

 

Naabutan niyang naka impake na si Isa sa apartment nila. Pagod siya sa trabaho at pag-aaral. Hindi kailangan ni Winter yung ganito. 

 

Luhaan naman sumagot si Isa. "Anong pinagsasabi mo? Win, nandito ako palagi, supporting you. Hinihintay kita — willing ako na hintayin ka kahit gaano pa man katagal. Ikaw yung may ayaw, Win. Naiinsecure ka sa kung anuman meron ako. Hindi naman lang to para sa akin, para sayo rin. I'm always thinking about us," Isa whispered. "Pero ewan ko lang kung bakit akala mo wala ka na sa mga plano ko." 

 

"Bull, Isa. You left me behind! Dapat tayong dalawa pero iniwan mo ako!" 

 

"Hindi kita iniwan! Nauna lang ako ng konti sa mga pangarap ko — sa mga pangarap natin pero nandito pa rin ako! Bakit hindi mo maintindihan yun?" Isa harshly pointed at Winter, hands shaking in rage. "Pagod na pagod na ako kakaintindi sayo, Winter." 

 

"Ang bilis mo naman bumitaw."

 

"Ikaw ang unang bumitaw, Win." 

 

Now, at 27, mag-isa na lang si Winter na nangangapa. Para siyang nawawalang tuta sa lansangan. 

 

Walang alam. 

 

Kaya naman ng malaman ni Chaewon ang nangyari, she took her bff in, whipped her up into shape. 

 

Kinausap siya ni Chaewon kasi for some reason, Chaewon was the only one who could get through her thick head.

 

Mali.

 

Maling-mali si Winter.

 

But it was too late. She didn't realize the gravity of her actions and pushed away the only person who made her feel so whole. 

 

Sa loob ng isang taon after naghiwalay sila ni Isa, Winter worked her off. Gusto niyang matupad ang mga pangarap niya kahit wala ni si Isa sa tabi niya.

 

She owed herself that much.

 

And the next time she would see Isa, gusto niyang maging proud siya sa kanya.

 

Kagaya ng dati. 

 

Kaya naman nang magkita sila ulit, Winter felt that she still had something to hold on to.

 

Architect na siya.

 

Her career was finally taking off. 

 

Isa was happy and proud of her.

 

Kaya pa naman diba? May ten years sila na pinanghahawakan ni Winter.

 

Ten years. 

 

Kaya pa siguro. 

Pero parang may mali. 

 

Sa mga panahon na kasama niya si Isa, naiisip niya si Karina. 

 

Kahit na sinabi niyang ayaw na niya, she still found herself in bed with Karina week after week. Hindi niya magawang huminto. Even though she knew how deeply Karina felt for her. Even though she knew how much it would hurt.

 

Dapat isang gabi lang talaga yun. 

 

She was drunk and her and Karina were eye ing each other the whole night at the bar. 

 

Alam niya na gusto siya ni Karina pero ang tagal na nun. High school pa lang sila. At wala naman masama kung gusto mo ng kasama for one night diba? 

 

Hindi alam ni Winter kung anong pumasok sa ulo niya when she finally approached Karina that night.

 

Was it loneliness? The stress? Lust? Maybe all three. 

 

Ang alam lang niya, it would be a shame to pass up on someone as sinfully gorgeous as Karina.

 

Pero yung isang gabi umabot sa apat na buwan hanggang sa nasaktan na niya si Karina. 

 

Winter felt guilty. 

 

She knew but she ignored it yet again. 

 

Pinairal niya ang selfishness niya, yung pagiging malungkot niya, yung feeling of being wanted. 

 

Kahit na gusto niyang makipagbalikan kay Isa, Winter craved for Karina's attention. Karina wanted her at kahit naman mali yung ginagawa niya, Winter couldn't help but keep chasing for that feeling. 

 

Winter should have seen it coming though. Hindi lang niya inexpect na ganun yung mangyayari. With how much she was spending time with Isa again, it was bound to happen.

 

She didn't mean to do it. Parang tanga lang na tinanong ni Winter kung pwede ba sila mag-usap after niya sabihin ang pangalan ni Isa while they were having . 

 

It was stupid, alam ni Winter yun. But for some reason gusto ni Winter mag explain.

 

Pero explain what? 

 

It was clear as day. 

 

Karina was ing her but Isa was on her mind.

 

She should be disgusted with herself. 

 

But she saw it as a sign na si Isa na talaga. 

 

She would ask Isa if they could get back together. Kasi maganda naman na ang progress nila.

 

They were friendly — more than friendly, Winter thought. 

 

But when Winter put the idea on the table with Isa, she was met with a smile that didn't quite reach Isa's eyes. 

 

"Winter…" sabi ni Isa, reaching out to hold Winter's hands. "I love you…" Winter smiled at this but then quickly faded when she saw Isa's sad eyes. "...pero I don't think this is a good idea." 

 

So many things ran through Winter's head. 

 

Bakit hindi pwede? If they love each other, shouldn't they be together? 

 

Diba dapat ganun kadali? 

 

Pero…

 

"Win…" Isa continued. "We broke up for a reason. Mahal pa rin kita pero iba pa rin ang gusto natin sa buhay ngayon. Tama ako diba?" 

 

Hindi makapagsalita si Winter. She was letting Isa's words sink into her. 

 

Iba pa rin ba? Winter was focused on her career pero parang kaya niya na yatang makipagsabayan sa gustong lifestyle ni Isa. 

 

"Winter, I didn't break up with you because I stopped loving you," Isa sighed, squeezing her hands tighter. "I broke up with you because we were at different points in our lives. We want different things. Hanggang ngayon, alam kong mas importante sayo ang career mo at ayokong pigilan ka dun." 

 

"And at one point, I think hindi na natin nagustuhan ang isa't-isa." 

 

Umiling si Winter, disagreeing. "No, hindi naman nawala yung pagkagusto ko sayo."

 

"Alam ko," Isa sniffled. Hindi na niya mapigilan ang mga luha niya. "What I mean is that, hindi na natin nagustuhan ang isa't-isa as a person. I changed, you also changed. And I think ayaw mo yung changes. Hindi mo ma-accept na iba na yung gusto ko sa mga gusto mo. Kahit naman couple tayo, we're still two individuals, Winter." 

 

"We grew apart and unknowingly disliked each other in the process." 

 

Napaluha na rin si Winter sa sinabi ni Isa.

 

Yun ba ang nangyari?

 

Winter tried to look back at those times na nagtatalo sila. Yung panunumbat ni Winter kay Isa. Those times Winter felt so left behind and alone. Even the moments Winter felt jealous of Isa. 

 

Thinking about it, Winter felt like she was hit by a ton of bricks. 

 

Late realization ba? 

 

Perhaps, kung ipagpatuloy pa nila ang relationship nila at hindi pa rin the same ang gusto nila, it would become toxic. 

 

It would just be a cycle of pain. Hindi sila magiging masaya. 

 

Aanhin ba ang ten years if wala na kayong understanding? Hindi dapat gawin measure ang time to stay in a relationship.

 

Winter is willing to commit again pero to hurt Isa over and over again? 

 

Parang hindi niya kaya. 

 

"I'm sorry," Winter could only whisper. "Hindi ko man to nasabi sayo before pero I'm really sorry, Isa. I'm sorry for hurting you."  

 

"I'm sorry too, Win," Isa wiped her tears. "I'm sorry we didn't get to achieve our goals together." 

 

Nag-iyakan lang silang dalawa until they ended up reminiscing old memories.

 

They were so good together. Nagtataka din sila what went wrong pero they both agreed that maybe hindi lang talaga sila para sa isa't-isa.

 

Sayang man ang ten years nila pero mas sayang kung palagi lang nilang masasaktan ang isa't-isa. 

 

"You will always be a big part of my life, Win," Isa hugged Winter. "I hope we can still be friends." 

 

"Oo naman. Kukulitin pa rin kita." 

***

Karina was spiraling. 

 

Ryujin was getting worried. 

 

It had gotten to the point that Karina was starting to neglect work kasi pumapasok siya na merong hangover. If Karina wasn't so talented sa trabaho niya, baka natuluyan na talaga siyang natalsik.

 

Gabi-gabi din umaalis si Karina, going on random dates na either sinet up or she found through dating apps. 

 

But it always ended up the same.

 

Hindi naglalast ang mga dates ni Karina. Minsan hindi na nga umaabot past appetizer. Karina would either get up leave na walang paalam sa kasama niya or pinapaalis niya sila kasi boring.

 

And she'd find herself alone at the bar, downing shot after shot. Ginawa pang chaser ang beer.

 

Noon, may malay pa si Karina na tawagan di Ryujin or si Yunjin para magpasundo.

 

Now, she just blacks out.

 

The first time it happened, the bartender had called Ryujin at two in the morning because Karina was passed out drunk and the bar was closing. 

 

Ryujin was the last person on Karina's call history. 

 

Buti na lang mabait ang staff at hindi kinick out si Karina. Or worse, took advantage of her.

 

And since Karina became a creature of habit, she frequented the same bar that Ryujin had to ask the staff to call her right away if Karina was drunk. 

 

Sinabihan pa nga niya ang iilang bartender na wag na bigyan ng shots if nakakarami na but Karina would whine and cry if they didn't serve her.

 

So wala ng magawa ang mga bartenders but to give her shots until Ryujin arrived.

 

It was like that for almost a month. 

 

Karina was sullen. 

 

It's as if grey clouds followed her everywhere she went. 

 

Nahihirapan na rin ang mga kaibigan makita si Karina na parang walang gana sa mundo. Gusto man nila kausapin but she was too stubborn to listen to everyone.

 

Kahit si Ryujin, nahihirapan na kausapin ang bestfriend. Hindi na niya alam kung anong gagawin to make Karina stop.

 

It was getting unhealthy and Ryujin was worried that if Karina kept going at the pace she was going, she would end up hurting herself.

 

There was never a day that Ryujin didn't think of clocking Winter in the face. 

 

And the urge to do that grew stronger when she received a call from the bar not even past happy hour. 

 

Karina was wasted.

 

Sa sobrang sabog niya, she was temporarily banned at the bar. Nahihirapan din si Ryujin kargahin si Karina sa kotse niya.

 

Karina was slurring her words, spouting nonsense at her. Hirap pa siyang maglakad at muntikan pa silang madapa.

 

When Ryujin finally buckled Karina in her car, she could only look at her friend sadly.