Part 2

 

 

Paano ba sila nagsimula? 

 

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ni Karina kung paano siya pinansin ni Winter.

 

Karina remembers how her heart ran a mile a minute even in her haze when she saw Winter approach her at the bar. 

 

At naalala pa niya ang tumataas niyang balahibo when Winter whispered, "you wanna get out of here?" sa kanya. 

 

Nagulat pa nga siya nung una pero matagal na rin silang dalawa nag tinginan. 

 

Even in her drunken state, alam ni Karina na may mali kung paano sila nagsimula.

 

Pero si Winter kasi yun. 

 

Ang tagal na niyang gusto si Winter.

 

Chance na niya yun. Kahit isang gabi lang. 

 

Pero yung isang gabi, naging dalawa, tatlo, hanggang sa umabot ng tatlong buwan. 

 

Kaya hindi rin mapigilan ni Karina ang sarili na balik-balikan si Winter. She can't help but open her door every time Winter knocks.

 

Even if it hurts.

 

It ing hurts so much. 

 

At kahit na mukhang imposible, Karina is determined in winning over Winter. 

 

Because Winter stayed.

 

Even if it isn't the way Karina wanted.

Karina felt combusting, heart swelling with the way Winter adored her body, lips trailing kisses from her neck down to her navel.

 

She shuddered at the feel of hot lips on her skin, forcing herself to push away the negative thoughts that have been consuming her. 

 

"Walang tayo, Karina." 

 

Instead, she focused on the sounds they were making — the moans that bounced off the room and the way Winter was panting above her. 

 

Karina bit her lip — from the pleasure or sadness, she wasn't sure. Pinilit niyang kalimutan ang mga sinabi ni Winter nung nakaraan pero sa bawat haplos at halik ni Winter, her voice echoed in her head. 

 

"Walang tayo, Karina."

 

Just as Winter hit the spot, napatakip na lang si Karina sa bibig niya, stopping the sob that was coming out of . 

 

Ang gulo. Hindi niya alam kung anong nararamdaman niya nang matapos sila.

 

Hindi dapat ganito kahirap mag mahal. 

 

Tears were pooling in her eyes but she quickly wiped it away when Winter laid beside her. 

 

Tumalikod na lang siya nang niyakap siya ni Winter. Matutuwa sana siya sa paghalik ni Winter sa likod ng ulo niya but as Winter tightened her hold on Karina, mas nasasaktan lang siya.

 

Kasi alam niya sa pag-gising niya sa umaga, walang Winter siyang maabutan.

 

She's only left cleaning up the mess they made — the mess Winter left in her heart. 

 

Tumayo na lang si Karina, picking up her underwear on the ground. 

 

"Wash up lang ako. Sunod ka na after I'm done." 

 

Karina allowed herself to cry when she got to the bathroom.

 

Tiningnan niya ang sarili niya and she couldn't help but think how pathetic she looked. Her hair was dishevelled, makeup smudged, eyes bloodshot from all the crying. 

 

Nakita niya ang mga markang ginawa ni Winter sa dibdib niya at napaiyak na lang siya ulit. 

 

Bakit ba niya hinayaan tong mangyari? 

 

Everytime she thought about how she begged for Winter that night, she felt stupid.

 

Pero nagawa niya na. 

 

"Hindi ko kayang ibigay ang gusto mo, Karina." 

 

"Kahit ano, Winter, I'll take it," napalunok si Karina sa sinabi niya. Pati siya nagulat na lang sa mga pinagsasabi niya. Hindi naman siya ganito. Masyado na talaga siyang desperada. All self-respect she had was thrown out the window when she uttered those words. "Just please stay."

 

Karina took pride in herself. Kaya nakapagtataka rin kung bakit isang Winter lang ay nagawa niyang itapon yung dignidad niya.

 

At the back of her mind, Karina knew that there was nothing she could get from Winter. But she allowed the delusions. 

 

Everything was so temporary.

 

Everything felt so fleeting. 

 

Napapaisip na lang si Karina kung hindi ba siya karapat-dapat panindigan? 

 

Was she hard to love? 

 

Handa naman niyang ibigay lahat pero bakit katawan lang niya ang kayang tanggapin ni Winter? 

 

Ano ba ang kulang sa kanya? 

Karina was running on autopilot.

 

Alam na ni Ryujin yun.

 

After maiyak-iyak na kwento ni Karina ang nangyari sa kanila ni Winter, Ryujin could only offer her shoulder to cry on. 

 

Pero nag-aalala na si Ryujin sa bestfriend niya.

 

Ilang araw na siyang tutok sa computer niya na walang break. Karina would rather drown herself with work if she's not with Winter. She doesn't want to think about the inevitable. 

 

Pero mas nag-alala si Ryuji ng malaman niyang tinutuloy ni Karina ang pagkikita kay Winter.

 

Kahit na wala siyang mapapala sa kanya.

 

Ryujin already knew what Karina was thinking.

 

Ryujin knew that Karina had hope — that Winter staying made her hope. Again. 

 

But Ryujin also knows that Winter would never choose her.

 

Ryujin knew Karina so well that she wasn't surprised when Karina decided to pursue Winter. Even after telling her it wouldn't work.

 

"Mahuhulog din naman siya sa akin, diba Ryu? Pipilitin ko, Ryu." 

 

Ayaw niyang maawa sa kaibigan niya pero kaawa-awa ang mga ginagawa niya.

 

"Bestie," hinawakan ni Ryujin ang balikat ni Karina. Ginagamit lang niya ang endearment nila kapag naglalambing siya. Ryujin was careful, voice soft, reserved just for her bestfriend. "Kain na tayo ng lunch?" 

 

Hindi nilingon ni Karina si Ryujin. Nakatutok pa rin ang mga mata niya da monitor niya. "Marami pa akong ginagawa, Ryu."

 

"Take a break kahit ilang minuto lang." 

 

Patuloy pa rin si Karina sa pagcocode.

 

Ryujin just sighed and pulled a chair. "Can I eat here then?" 

 

Yan na lang ang naisip gawin ni Ryujin. Gusto niyang samahan si Karina, kahit sa ganitong paraan lang. 

 

Ayaw niya din pilitin si Karina. Kilalang-kilala na niya ang kaibigan niya. Mas lalo lang maging stubborn.

 

Karina just nodded. 

 

Nagbaon si Ryujin. Favourite ni Karina: beef caldereta. Nag request talaga si Ryujin sa Mama niya na magluto because Karina has been skipping her meals.

 

And if Ryujin can't force her to eat, maybe she can entice her with her favourite food. 

 

Hindi pa nga sumubo si Ryujin ay napatingin na si Karina sa kanya. Napangisi naman si Ryujin.

 

Kilalang-kilala niya talaga ang bestfriend niya.

 

She can't resist food.

 

"Nagluto si Tita?" 

 

Sinubo niya muna ang pagkain before siya tumango. "Subuan kita?" 

 

Karina fully faced Ryujin and looked at her sheepishly. How could she say no to that? 

 

Natuwa naman ang kaibigan at nag work yung pang-inggit niya. 

 

Ryujin was more than happy to share. Sa totoo niyan, nag pack din siya ng extra baon for Karina.

 

Ganang kumain si Karina habang sinusubuan.

 

And Ryujin thought that Karina should always look like this: happy. 

 

"Nag pack na rin si Mama para sayo," sabi ni Ryujin sabay abot ng isang lunch bag. "Marami yan so it should last you a couple of days." 

 

"Thanks, bestie." 

 

"Also," habol ni Ryujin bago siya bumalik sa station niya. "Sama ka mamaya? Miss ka na nila and Chaeryoeng will be there this time." 

 

But as soon as Ryujin said that, nag vibrate ang phone ni Karina.

 

Parang alam na ni Ryujin kung sino yun. 

Winter: dinner later?

Winter: i'll pick you up

Napabuntong-hininga na lang si Ryujin, disappointment evident. Hindi na kailangan sabihin ni Karina. 

 

Karina looked at her friend guiltily. 

 

"I'll tell them busy ka." 

 

"Thanks," Karina said, feeling so small.

 

"Rina," napatingin si Karina sa kanya. "I worry about you." 

 

It was clear on Ryujin's face and Karina only felt bad. 

"Kanina ka pa?" Karina asked as soon as she saw Winter. Medyo natagalan kasi si Karina sa work niya.

 

"Hindi naman. Tara na?" 

 

The whole night, Winter was nothing but sweet. And it's times like this that make Karina really hopeful.

 

Karina deludes herself into thinking that maybe, pwede pa. Kaya pa. And as long as Winter keeps seeing her, may pag-asa siya.

 

Inasikaso lang ni Winter si Karina, from ordering her food to asking about her day. Hindi mapigilan ni Karina na hindi kiligin. Minsan lang ganito si Winter and when she does, it absolutely makes Karina go crazy. 

 

So when Karina and Winter went back to her condo, she did not hold herself back slamming Winter against her bedroom wall. 

 

And when Winter wrapped a leg around her waist, binuhat niya kaagad si Winter sa kama niya.

 

"Masyado ka yatang eager tonight?" Winter said in between messy kisses.

 

Hindi na lang siya kinibo ni Karina at patuloy lang ang paghalik at paghubad ng mga damit nila. Gigil niyang inalis ang pants ni Winter at napatili na lang si Winter when Karina aggressively removed her underwear.

 

Ayaw naman sabihin ni Karina that Winter being all sweet and charming spurred her on. 

 

And Winter returned the same intensity.

 

Suddenly, Karina found herself under Winter, panting. 

 

At para na lang siyang nawalan ng malay when Winter whispered, "you're so hot" when she paused to look at her, eyes drinking in Karina's body.

 

It's not a total lie nor was it just the heat of the moment. Hindi naman dinedeny ni Winter na isa si Karina sa pinakamagandang babae na nakilala niya. She always thought Karina was beautiful even in high school.

 

Winter also can't believe that someone so hot could also be so sweet.

 

So it's not hard for Winter to shower Karina with kisses and touch her in places that make Karina quiver in ecstasy.

 

Karina felt dizzy with lust when Winter worshipped her body thoroughly, wet, hot lips lighting her ablaze. 

 

She shivered in delight at every touch. And she couldn't help but moan uncharacteristically loud when Winter growled in her ear, "I want you so bad." 

 

Karina felt like she was on cloud nine. She was so at the same time, she felt so wanted. Winter was never like this before. 

 

There was no talk, just .

 

Winter singing praises to Karina just made her even more clouded.

 

She was so overwhelmed that it didn't take long for her to reach her high. 

 

Nang matapos si Winter sa kanya, hinila niya si Winter, kissing her furiously.

 

"Sit on my face." 

***

Winter let Karina down just as quickly as she brought her up. 

 

Ilang araw ng hindi nagpaparamdam si Winter. Ilang araw na rin balisa si Karina. Parang tanga lang siyang nag-aabang sa text ni Winter.

 

Minsan lang siyang mag-aya. She already begged Winter. She at least wants to keep what's left of her dignity. Kahit gaano kaliit pa ito. 

 

Naghihintay lang naman ulit siya sa munting notification ng nag pop-out yung notif sa IG.

 

May bagong post si Winter.

 

Oo, pati sa social media, nakaabang siya.

 

She's that pathetic.

 

At parang lang siyang sinapak sa katotohonan when she saw Winter's IG stories with Isa.

 

She felt her stomach drop. Namumuo na ang luha sa mga mata niya. Gusto niyang magselos. Gusto niyang magalit. Gusto niyang magwala.

 

But she has no right.

 

She's just someone who Winter has with casually. Purely physical. 

 

Kailan ba siya matututo? 

 

Hanggang kailan ba niya to kayang gawin?

 

Ayaw niyang isipin pero it looked like Winter only sought her out when she couldn't be with Isa.

 

Ayaw niyang paniwalaan.

 

But the IG stories were proof enough.

 

Still, she refused to believe.

 

Palagi naman siyang bumabalik sa akin, she would always think. 

 

Karina doesn't know how many times she's ditched her friends. Pero ayaw niyang makipag hang out sa kanila at the moment. 

 

Nawalan siya ng gana.

 

She'd rather go home sa condo niya and wallow in self pity.

 

Ang sad. 

 

But as soon as she opened the door to her condo, she was greeted by her friends' concerned faces. 

 

Binigyan niya si Ryujin ng extra key in case of emergencies. 

 

Emergency ba ito?

 

She looked at her best friend.

 

Ryujin only gave her a tight smile and looked at her apologetically. 

 

"Ang hirap mong mahagilap, beshy. Kami na lang ang pumunta," pagbati ni Chaeryeong sa kanya sabay beso. "Ang tagal na kitang hindi nakita. Namiss kaya kita!" 

 

May feeling si Karina na hindi lang hang out ang pinunta nila sa condo niya. Madalang lang sila mag surprise visit. They always asked first.

 

Pahapyaw niyang kinwento ang nangyari sa kanila ni Winter sa GC nila. Minura-mura pa nga ni Chaeryeong si Winter. They even protested when Karina said that she would continue seeing Winter.

 

But giving advice was not enough.

 

They thought Karina needed a wake up call. Chaeryeong surely looked like she was ready to talk.

 

Tahimik lang si Chaeryeong. Minsan nag space out pero she usually has a lot to say when it mattered.

 

And right now, her friend's well-being mattered.

 

Chaeryeong is fiercely protective of her friends. Naranasan na nila at least once ang pagka war freak ni Chaeryeong when it came to the people who hurt them.

 

Hindi na lang magugulat si Karina if one day susugurin ni Chaeryeong si Winter. 

 

All throughout dinner, naghintay lang si Karina na may mag open ng topic. 

 

When Yuna opened the first can of beer, Karina got herself ready.

 

At hindi siya nagkamali.

 

Yunjin, usually the level-headed one, started. "Karina, nag-alala kami sayo."

 

Alam niya.

 

Ryujin has said it enough. 

 

Napayuko lang si Karina, too embarrassed to even face her friends. 

 

Gusto niyang sabihin na hindi dapat sila makealam sa buhay niya — that this intervention seemed unfair to her. 

 

Bakit siya pinagkaisahan? 

 

But that's just wrong.

 

Kahit naman nauulol si Karina kay Winter, she's still smart enough to know that her friends mean well.

 

And every time they talk to her about her situation with Winter, they never made her feel bad about it. They never invalidated her feelings.

 

Kasi kahit sila, gagawa din ng kabobohan pagdating sa pag-ibig.

 

They're understanding but they won't just stand around and watch their friend waste away their life for one person. 

 

"Beshy, what's going on? Hindi ka naman ganito." 

 

Sumasakit na ang lalamunan ni Karina. Kanina pa niya pinipigilan umiyak. Hindi siya makapagsalita. 

 

And they're right, Karina isn't one to get into a relationship without a commitment. Kasi Karina commits and Karina loves fiercely.

 

She's only been in two relationships pero parehong long term yun. And both ended in good terms.

 

Kaya it's sad that Karina willingly let herself be used like this.

 

She doesn't deserve it. 

 

"I-I don't know," she whispered. Tuluyan na siyang maiyak. "I-I just want her…pero bakit ang hirap?" 

 

Hindi na mapigilan ni Karina ang nararamdaman niya. She has been holding it in for so long. 

 

"B-bakit…b-bakit ganito?" She asked through her tears. Humagulgol lang siya lalo ng kinabig siya ni Chaeryeong para yakapin. "Handa ko naman ibigay lahat sa kanya." 

 

Humihikbi si Karina habang hinahaplos ni Chaeryeong ang likod niya. Gago ka talaga Winter, Chaeryeong muttered under her breath.

 

Karina started talking about her and Winter. Through her tears, she recalled how Winter has been confusing her. Push and pull daw. Isang araw, ang attentive ni Winter na kung umasta ay parang girlfriend and the next wala.

 

At yun yung masakit — recalling how Winter could be so cold and act like walang nangyari pagkatapos. Masakit isipin how Winter could make her feel like the most wanted person ever and then make her feel like in an instant. 

 

At this point, nahihirapan na si Karina magsalita. Para na siyang hinihika, words slurred and broken dahil sa pag-iyak niya.

 

Pinatahan na lang siya muna ni Chaeryeong at sinabihan na wag muna magsalita. 

 

"Ilabas mo lang, besh. Nandito naman kami." 

 

Nabahala naman si Ryujin when Karina started hyperventilating and quickly ran to the kitchen to get some water.

 

The other two could only look at their friend, naiiyak, nasasaktan para sa kanya. 

 

Gaano ba katagal kinimkim ni Karina ang sakit na nararamdaman niya? 

 

They have never seen Karina so broken. 

 

Dahil lang sa isang tao.

 

"Rina," inabot ni Ryujin ang tubig sa kanya. "Uminom ka muna." 

 

Kumawala si Karina sa yakap ni Chaeryeong, sinisinok habang iniinom ang tubig.

 

Karina calmed down after a while. Kahit naman nag breakdown siya in front of her friends, it somehow made her feel lighter.

 

But it also made her face what she has been avoiding ever since Winter said she was getting back together with Isa.

 

Alam naman ni Karina eh.

 

Ayaw lang niyang maniwala.

 

"Rina, don't take this the wrong way ha. Concerned lang naman kami sayo. Bakit ayaw mong itigil yung sa inyo ni Winter?" Yunjin asked. 

 

"It's just — Winter makes me feel so different," Karina looked at her friends, tears starting to pool again. "Alam ko naman na hindi niyo maintindihan and it's hard for me to explain pero…Winter can be really sweet when she wants to be."

 

"Yun na nga besh," Chaeryeong spoke up. "When she wants to be lang…hindi siya consistent. Pinapaasa ka lang niya. "

 

Yumuko naman si Karina, heart breaking kasi totoo. Mas masakit when someone says it out loud. "I know," she whispered.

 

"So why stay, Rina?" 

 

"Because she keeps coming back to me." 

 

It's pitiful.

 

Karina knows it and she feels all the more pathetic nang sabihin niya to sa mga kaibigan niya. 

 

But Karina has been holding on to that little shred of hope. Na sana when Winter comes back, that's it for her. Wala ng iba. 

 

"Pero besh," this time Yunjin hit the final nail to the coffin. "She also keeps leaving. Hindi ba mas maganda if she comes back with the assurance na ikaw lang? Na wala siyang Isa na binabalikan? Na wala ng iba? Kasi, Rina, as painful as it is, para kay Winter, katawan mo lang ang habol niya. That's it." 

 

Every single word hit Karina like a freight train. It was painful to hear what she has been trying to ignore.

 

Katawan lang ang habol ni Winter sa kanya.

 

Tama naman si Yunjin.

 

Karina was just too stubborn to see what was in front of her. 

 

And yun naman talaga yung agreement nila ni Winter.

 

Just . 

 

"Magtira ka naman para sa sarili mo, Rina." 

 

Perhaps that was what Karina needed to hear para matauhan siya.

 

Kailangan niya talagang ipamukha sa kanya yung katangahan na ginagawa niya for the past fou