OTP: Moonsun

Characters: Byulyi, Hyejin (mentioned), Wheein (mentioned) and Yongsun

Context: Yongsun is journaling because she experienced something probably worse than a rejection. (angst... i guess?)

A/N to the requestor: hello to the person that suggested this I really like moonsun too. I remember writing one (cant find it tho) years ago and it was an attempt at "we're married but also trying to kill each other but we also cant"

Dear Diary,

I really hate having to write my thoughts and feelings because it would mean they’re real and I’m not always happy, I’m not always at my best.

I really hate having to do this now because my friends told me to. They told me to start writing my feelings instead of thinking of solving them.

“Unnie, feelings aren’t problems, what are you trying to solve? You just really have to feel them. If you’re sad, cry. If you’re pissed, about it. If you’re in need to pee, PEE! Don't think about the logic of your feelings or else you’ll forget things that are in front of you.” - Wheeinie

“Unnie, being sad isn’t bad. That’s nothing on you. You were literally a star of a play. You literally sang in front of thousands of people. All the while saying you didn’t like the spotlight. All the while saying to us, to me, you couldn’t do it. But you did anyway. Unnie, being sad is okay and a lot easier than jumping into theater for the first time. You got this.” - Hyejinie

Those two kids would always be so playful and childish but even after it all, they’re very honest. They don’t shy away from telling me I’m thinking too hard. They don’t shy away from admitting they have sad days too. They don’t shy away from showing me what it takes to just be… human. To be vulnerable.

They don’t hesitate. They’re always honest.

I wish everyone in the group was. I also wish I confessed to someone honest and upfront instead.

But I’m not. I’m not and it’s driving me crazy.

It’s driving me crazy because I’d rather get slapped across the face (hopefully figuratively) with a no. Than whatever the just happened.

I admit, I’m not the smartest when it comes to emotions. It’s not that I’m immature or what but I’m just really bad at getting my point across without being misunderstood. It's also rare for me to show any emotion on my face other than anger or happiness. And happiness I can only genuinely show with a few people.

Because I’ve been told by some that I kind of look like I was ready to murder them when I was just having fun. A death stare. I laughed it off and said I didn’t mean to, I don’t control my eyes well. They always show the opposite of what I say.

Crazy to claim that when people believe that the eyes are the windows of the soul. I don’t know. I’m stupid with emotions. I’ve had to google how to cry sometimes. Did not go well. They thought I was trying to act. No. I want to genuinely cry my eyes out.

I can cry on stage. But off stage I feel… less emotional. Maybe because thinking naturally comes first for me and feeling is like an aftertaste. But either way, all the friends I have know I value honesty and straightforwardness the most. Because they all know I take what they say for what they are. I don’t read in between unless I have to. I just think overthinking a conversation is stupid.

But here I am DOING THAT.

I’ve played my conversation with Byul in my head like a broken record. Like it's a curse. A constant reminder of someone deflecting- lying to my face. Even if they did the worst possible thing I could think of, even if that is usually the point of no return and letting go of someone for me, I can’t. Not if it’s Byul.

Because we’ve known each other for so long. Together for so long. For so long that it only feels appropriate to make things certain and less ambiguous. I like her. That’s obvious. I didn’t at first, which is usual for people I start to like anyway. But I just… like her more than a friend. I like her because I really think- or I guess I really FEEL that she’s my person. The person I’d happily go home to.

That’s why when I confessed, I trusted her to be honest with me. I also wanted to show her that by confessing, I’m willing to risk it. Risk being dumb with her as I work with feeling emotions. Risk being vulnerable, opening cans of worms, crying whatever. I was ready to risk it e