Jonghyun.

There was no one much better in Taemin's eyes. No better friend, no better partner. He could do no wrong at all; it just wasn't possible. He made Taemin so endlessly happy, he felt like he was walking on clouds whenever they were together.
Jonghyun seemed to think the same - he always told his boyfriend how much he meant to him, and how happy he felt. “I love you”s were an everyday thing, and affection between the two of them came in bucket loads. Sometimes, Taemin felt jealous of himself for landing such a great guy. And he was always grateful for how the elder man took care of him, especially when he wasn't having a good day.

One day, they were talking about Jonghyun's ex, Minho. He was nice and all, appealing to the eye, but behind closed doors he wasn't nearly as kind-hearted as he tried to make everyone think. He wasn't abusive in any way - manipulative, for sure, a hypocrite, a brat, and a drama king. Taemin had no patience for him even when they met three years ago, but Jonghyun was smitten rather quickly, and he left Taemin to pursue his new object of affection. For what reason, Taemin didn't know - he couldn't understand it, even now, but he did whatever he could to regain Jonghyun's affection. However, the elder man didn't spare him much of a glance until things dissipated between him and Minho. Taemin didn't remember the reason why, but he'd admit he was happy when it happened.

He did what he could from that moment to better himself as a person - maybe if he was quieter, Jonghyun would like him more. Maybe if he paid attention to all the small things that Jonghyun didn't think about, he'd like Taemin more. All of this just to make Jonghyun see how much he loved and adored him, and it eventually worked, so they got back together. Was it foolish? Maybe. Did Taemin regret it sometimes? A little bit. But overall, he was happy to be Jonghyun's number 1 again.

“Don't you think it's funny how we used to be? I think we're much happier now than back then when you were dating Minho,” Taemin said as he sat on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs back and forth as he watched Jonghyun slide the tray of cookie dough into the oven.
It wasn't odd for him to compare the stages in his life, and Jonghyun knew it since Taemin did it a lot to show how much his happiness had improved as the years passed by.
“I feel a little threatened by him, I'm not sure why,” He said afterwards, thinking about how often Jonghyun said his ex flirted with him at work. All three of them worked at the same place, but Taemin avoided Minho as much as possible.

“Oh, did he talk to you?” Jonghyun said as he observed the batch of cookies he had already taken out of the oven.
“No. I just don't want him to get too comfortable again,” Taemin had never really gotten over what happened, and his insecurities showed the moment when Jonghyun reached out to his ex to talk again.
Jonghyun continued looking at the cookies to make sure they had all cooked well, not looking up, “so, you wouldn't be up for an open relationship?”

Taemin was taken aback. Just a minute ago, he was thinking about how he loved Jonghyun so much, and how much better they were doing now, only to hear something like this. Jonghyun had always said that there was nothing going on between the two of them, that he wasn't interested, and it had taken Taemin a long time to believe that after what had happened before.

He felt panicked, but he thought this was a crude joke, so he laughed nervously.

“What? Are you serious?” He looked at his boyfriend with crinkled eyebrows. Jonghyun glanced back while pressing his lips together.
“Do you have a thing for Minho or...?” Taemin gulped, his hopeful smile slowly fading from his face. He felt like he was losing Jonghyun all over again.
“No...I don't know. I don't know how to explain it,” Jonghyun sighed as he tapped his fingers on the counter he was standing by, and Taemin gulped again, feeling nauseous. This certainly wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. He expected to be told that he was overthinking again, that it was only him in Jonghyun's eyes like he thought it was - he didn't know how to feel at the moment now that his worst suspicions were being confirmed. He had worried about this happening as soon as Jonghyun and Minho were in contact again, but he believed it was just his insecurities talking, so he tried to ignore it as much as possible.

Jonghyun sighed again, “I think I like him a little bit more as a friend, and I'd like to try an open relationship with you two, but one, I know you don't like him and I'm so happy with you...”

He continued speaking for a while after that, but Taemin couldn't hear any of it. It was hurting him too much to listen to this.

“I'm sorry, but it's not like I'm in love with him. It's really just a thought. If you don't want it, then I won't do it,” Jonghyun said with big puppy eyes as he finally looked at his fiancee. Taemin stared at him for a little bit longer before he began to boil with rage.

“This is the exact reason I didn't want you talking to him, because I didn't want this to happen again!” He cried out, furious that things had gone this way.
“It was only a thought, and I thought it'd be better to be honest with you about these feelings I've been having for a week or so,” Jonghyun continued calmly as Taemin climbed off the counter clumsily.
“A week? Really? We got engaged last week! What's wrong with you? How can you think this is okay?” Taemin yelled. It hurt even more remembering how much effort he had put into the proposal to Jonghyun, just for him to begin crushing on his ex again. It made Taemin sick with rage and nausea at the same time.

It had taken him nearly their whole relationship just to get over the thought that something could be happening between the two of them, but it seemed like his suspicions were accurate. He felt angry that Jonghyun had done this to them, to Taemin, who had changed and changed again just to keep him happy. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under his feet; he didn't know what was true and what wasn't anymore. He spent months trying to convince himself of something, when the opposite was true.

“I'm done with this. I won't do this again,” Taemin shook his head while holding up his hands, avoiding Jonghyun's eyes, “you pushed me in a corner once and ignored me until I was good enough, until that was gone for a week without any contact before you remembered me. I'm not going through this again, Jonghyun,”
“But you wouldn't come second. I still love you just as much as before,” Jonghyun said as he grabbed hold of the younger man's one arm to stop him from running off.
“Do you expect me to believe that? Do you think that makes any of this better? That it justifies this?” Taemin yelled out, tears already running. It was the ultimate act of betrayal in his eyes.
“I know it doesn't, but-”
“I don't care! Why would you think this is okay? I've told you so many times how worried I've been, and you've always said there was nothing going on with him! Why would you do this?”
“There wasn't anything going on with him back then, and I haven't done anything with him. It was just the feelings. I'm not doing it on purpose either,”

Taemin turned away then, eyes full of tears that dribbled down to his chin, and Jonghyun watched the sight with pained eyes. He truly thought it was better to be honest, although he knew it would hurt the other man.

“Taemin, don't ignore me, please,” He said gently, and the younger man's bottom lip trembled as he sniffed. He didn't know what to say - it all hurt so much that he couldn't even think straight. His whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck, especially his chest. He had put all of his trust in this one person and their relationship; he believed nothing could touch them. He didn't know where it had gone wrong.

“What is it that you see in him that doesn't make me good enough? What does he have that I don't? After everything I've tried to do,” He sobbed out, shaking off Jonghyun's arms that wanted to come around him for a hug. He couldn't stand even the thought of touching this man in any way right now.
“There's nothing wrong with you. I love everything about you. Nothing would change between us,” Jonghyun said, “it's just the way he talks, you know?”

Taemin sniffed, still facing away from the elder man.

“Nothing would change...except that you want to date someone else,” He mumbled out, and Jonghyun's voice came out a bit more assertive than before.
“But if you don't like that idea, then we won't do it,” He said again. It didn't help Taemin feel any better, though.

His chest hurt, his head hurt, and he felt more upset than he ever had in his entire life. Out of all people, Jonghyun was the last one he wanted to distrust, but he couldn't expect anything else. He loved the elder man so much, but it didn't seem to matter. Not then, and not now either. The truth was that he'd never be enough - his thoughts were always true. Why else would Jonghyun want another partner? He apparently loved Taemin, and yet he couldn't wait for his permission to jump into bed with someone else. To get his permission to cheat. Taemin didn't see what was so wrong with him - why couldn't Jonghyun just love him and him only? Why was Minho needed in the equation?

Taemin didn't answer, and instead went to stay over at a friend's house. He was sure he looked a little silly - red face, a runny nose and wet cheeks, hugging himself as he stood on the doorstep of his friend's house without anything except the clothes on his back.

Jonghyun tried to call him to talk throughout the night, but Taemin didn't respond much. He was much too hurt. But he made it clear that he wanted to leave.

“No, don't think like that, please. I love you. I know it was an move of me,” Jonghyun said when Taemin told him, but the younger man simply shook his head silently. He had been inconsolable the whole time, and even three hours later, he was still in tears. It made his head pound painfully, and his eyes so swollen it looked like he had had an allergic reaction. It also made him feel nauseous, which was when he decided to try getting some rest, even though it was a little difficult with his headache.

The next morning at 2:20 AM, he woke up, unable to fall asleep again. His mind began running circles with him, and whenever he thought of what had happened, he teared up again. He still couldn't understand why he wasn't good enough, why he tried so hard to be a good man for Jonghyun, only for it to be ignored the minute Minho came into the picture again. Taemin knew he'd be tossed aside like before, even if Jonghyun tried to tell him otherwise, and it made him feel worse and worse as he sobbed into his pillow.

Maybe, just maybe, he could make Jonghyun happy with going through with this. He hated it, and he hated that this was something he had to do just to make his fiancée happy. Of course, he wasn't forced to, but at least Jonghyun would love him. Maybe even more.

He reached out to Minho to discuss an open relationship, even though he was unhappy while doing it.

𝐼𝑡'𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑓𝑜𝑟 ℎ𝑖𝑚, he thought, 𝐼 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 ℎ𝑖𝑚 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑦.

Taemin returned to Jonghyun the next morning. He was still miserable, but he informed his fiancée that Minho seemed to be willing to try the relationship.

“I don't want to do it if you're unhappy,” Jonghyun said with hard eyes; he spent the whole night and even some of this morning begging his fiancée to come back and not leave permanently. He was upset with himself for doing such a thing to Taemin, and he wanted to fix things, not make it worse.
“I'll be fine,” Taemin said in a monotone voice, his eyes still terribly swollen and his face pale.
“Are you sure...?” Jonghyun asked.

𝑁𝑜. 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑠ℎ 𝑦𝑜𝑢'𝑑 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑜𝑤𝑛. 𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑑𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡? 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ. 𝐼 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒. 𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑡 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑒𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ? 𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑑𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 ℎ𝑖𝑚? 𝑊ℎ𝑦, 𝑤ℎ𝑦, 𝑤ℎ𝑦?

“Of course,” Taemin said with a faint smile, “we can try it,”

At first, he was open to it. He had his conditions - not to hear about anything they did together, or to hear from Minho. Of course, Minho walked over those conditions, and Taemin couldn't stop him since Minho would throw a tantrum and make everything difficult for them. Jonghyun mostly, and Taemin didn't have the heart to put his needs or wants above Jonghyun's. He never could, and he just loved his fiancée too much to be malicious and shrug his actions off. Even though he was unhappy.

He could ignore Minho for the most part - even though they had agreed to this open relationship, Taemin had allowed himself to pretend it didn't exist, and he was happy. Minho was happy (although he was dating someone else as well, leaving Taemin as the only one with one partner), and Jonghyun was too; it was a win-win. Maybe not a healthy one, but it was a win-win nonetheless.

A few days passed, and Taemin began to realize what he had agreed to. He didn't see much of Minho and Jonghyun together, just a few things here and there, and he ignored it, but he realized that his fiancée was truly 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑒𝑙𝑠𝑒. Kissing, hugging, even having with someone else. And once again, Taemin was unhappy. He had to question if he was good enough; it just didn't make sense that he was. Why else would Jonghyun want someone else? What did Minho have that Taemin didn't? He couldn't ever seem to find the right answer. He helped Jonghyun when he was feeling melancholic, he was there to celebrate his happy moments, he was always around. And Minho? Disappeared for hours each day.

Taemin watched the koi fish swim around one another in the pond below him, his arms casually resting on the railing of the tiny wooden bridge in the Japanese park one day. It was a nice place, with all sorts of Japanese elements, though it was very small. He didn't mind it, though.

He left Jonghyun at home, telling him he'd be back later. And he would, but he was feeling less and less eager to return to someone who couldn't give their heart to one person only and not betray them. He had started this open relationship, and he had said it was fine, but it wasn't in his own interests. It was all for Jonghyun. Did he regret it? Yes. Would he change it? No. It'd take away from his fiancée's ultimate happiness, so he didn't want it to end. Not by his own hand anyway. And even if it did, the damage would be done. Jonghyun seemed to think that if they ran away and avoided Minho, all of this could be forgiven when it couldn't. Only half of the point was that he wanted this relationship, the other half was that he liked his ex, and even if they ended this sordid affair, it wouldn't make Taemin feel that much better. That was what Jonghyun didn't understand. He wasn't the one affected by this, Taemin was.

He looked down at his ring and sighed. Maybe one day he'd lie, and say he was coming back when he really wasn't. He'd pack his things up in secret, find another job, and leave without a second word. He knew Jonghyun would stop him if he said anything, so he'd keep it to himself. It wouldn't be that hard considering how he'd kept his feelings about this to himself most of the time.

It had always been so easy before all this started. They didn't need to work to love one another, or to be happy. They were just like that. But recently it felt like Taemin had to work just to be happy with Jonghyun like he was before. It was upsetting, but he didn't have the heart to reveal the truth. All he ever wanted was Jonghyun's happiness, even if it was above his own. But maybe it was a mistake.

He'd leave. Maybe not today, but some day soon. Jonghyun said they could leave, that he loved Taemin the most, that he'd be more upset if the younger man left, but Taemin didn't feel any of that. He didn't feel as loved as he did before. What did he expect when he did all this? He didn't know, but he felt foolish for allowing it. He should've left the night Jonghyun suggested the open relationship, but he didn't have the heart to. He still didn't as he stood on the bridge now. But running away in the middle of the night was better than sticking around and trying to tough it out or address how he felt. Maybe Jonghyun wouldn't even notice him starting to pull or drift away. He sort of hoped for it, just to make things easier for when he left Jonghyun and Minho together. Maybe they were happy sharing, but Taemin wasn't.

He took his phone out of his pocket when it vibrated; it was a call from Jonghyun. He didn't answer, but he listened to the voicemail.

“I miss you, Taemin. Please come back soon,”

He didn't respond.