There was tension in the air - there was always tension in the air. As chopsticks clinked against bowls with no chatter to fill the gaps, it was clear the couple wasn't in a good state once again.

“I've been working on a new painting,” Jinki tried, and his boyfriend glanced over at him with a scrutinizing look.
“You are? How come I never heard about the idea behind it?” And there it was again - that choppy tone that made Jinki grimace and wish he had just kept quiet.

He used to roll over for Kibum and his moods. He used to believe he could fix them, or at least help. He used to believe he was responsible as Kibum's boyfriend to do something like that. But eventually it became too much and too often to try and deal with - when was Jinki supposed to have time for himself if he was always trying to help Kibum? Every little thing seemed to upset the younger one, and although Jinki helped here and there, he often just drifted away to talk to other friends or work on a new painting instead of putting up with Kibum's temper and his constant irritated comments that were more often than not hurtful.

“I didn't think you'd want to hear about it. You've been so moody lately,” Jinki grumbled, feeling bad, as always, for his comment.
“Oh, so that's a problem now? Not all of us can be like you, okay?” Kibum snapped as he put his chopsticks down, and Jinki sighed. Everything he said these days only made Kibum mad; he was always on eggshells.
“I didn't say that...” The elder man said pathetically as if he were a kicked puppy.
“That's how you put it. How can you expect me to be fine with all the problems at work? You know they're stressing me out. I'm trying to be here all the time for you, but you do such silly things and-”
“I don't care,” Jinki stated, and not for the first time either.
“What?” Kibum was taken aback.

In all the time he had known Jinki, both as a friend and as a lover, the elder one had never really had tough skin or the nerve to say mean things...unless he was really mad. But he didn't seem to be like that now, and it shocked Kibum to hear such things from the man that always begged him to tell what the issue was and how he could fix it. Both with Kibum's mood and their relationship.

“I don't care. It's the same thing every day. No matter what I say, or how I say it, you get mad at me. If I don't explain something, you misinterpret it. If I 𝑑𝑜 explain it, you think I'm trying to make you look stupid. It's not fun anymore. I don't get excited when you get home, and I don't offer ideas for dates because you're never in a good enough mood to go. When will it end? When can we be a couple again? I'm tired of this,” Jinki rambled in an exasperated voice. It felt good to get everything off his chest, even if there was much more to be said, but he was a bit afraid of Kibum's explosive anger.
“I told you there are problems at work. How can you expect me to be in the mood for sappy things when I'm so stressed?” Kibum complained.

Jinki's face took on a different expression.

“Then I don't know why I'm here,” He said in annoyance.
“What?” Kibum asked again.
“I'm sick of this! I want a boyfriend, not someone who's always mad or sad. We used to be so good together, can't you see that? And I love you so much, but I can't do this if you're not going to help me,” Jinki sighed out, but he didn't even know what he was fighting towards. It had been like this for who knows how long, and he didn't really know how he'd react if things actually did work out. He didn't expect them to.

“Do you think I'm trying to be in a bad mood on purpose? Of course I'm not! I thought you would've understood it,” Kibum said.
“I did understand it the first week or two! But I don't want to anymore. When will we be okay again? I'm tired,” It was Jinki's turn to complain now.
“Then just leave!” Kibum snapped, “just leave me if all you have to do is take care of me and it's so tiring. I never asked you to do it anyway!”

Jinki stared at him with hard eyes; they'd come so close to breaking up often, but this time he was really done. He hated being told “I didn't ask you to” when he was trying to do something nice. Sure, he wasn't asked, but receiving a little bit of appreciation for it seemed fair. Not a whole banquet, just a small “thank you” would've sufficed. Instead, it was thrown back in his face.

“Okay. Then we're done,” Jinki knew Kibum didn't believe him (he didn't even believe himself), but he'd try hard this time to move on. He deserved better, he knew it, even if the man he wanted was Kibum. He didn't want to live like this forever. He wanted to be happy too.

The next day, Kibum returned home to find all of Jinki's things gone. It made him panic - were they really done? When he told Jinki to leave, he hadn't meant it too seriously. He didn't think the elder man would take it seriously anyway. He never did. He always came crawling back to Kibum, just like the younger one did to him.

He took out his phone and dialed Jinki's number immediately, shuddering from the slight chill in the house now that Jinki wasn't here to close the windows during the day or turn on the heat.

When Jinki noticed who was calling, his heart leaped so fast and hard into his stomach that it hurt. He didn't think Kibum would try and reach out again...or at least, not for a few days.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to answer; if he did, he was afraid he'd be lulled back into Kibum's arms as always, and this cycle would continue. But at the same time, he missed his boyfriend so much, and it hadn't even been a few hours.
Kibum was the person he could confide in about anything, no matter how weird or strange it might be. Kibum never judged, and he seemed to like being involved as well. Heck, he was Jinki's main muse for all his paintings! If that didn't show how much the artist liked having his boyfriend around, nothing would.

“Hello?” He asked tentatively as he answered the call, turning his gaze away from all the sketches and paintings of Kibum that seemed to taunt him on the wall. He had done them all - sketches, paintings of Kibum in between flowers, by rivers, with fruits, everything you could imagine. He wanted to put down Kibum's beauty so it would live forever - and, in the process, show how much he adored this man to everyone who stopped by. Some of the exceptional ones (handpicked by Kibum himself) were included in Jinki's collections for the public eye, but most just stayed here in the studio for Jinki to gaze at lovingly with a cup of iced tea during his break. Maybe having so many reminders of Kibum wasn't such a good idea when Jinki was trying to stay away from him, but at the same time, he didn't have the heart to take them down and shelve them.

“Jinki? Where are you? All your stuff is gone!” Kibum stated the obvious. He was too panicked to really think of anything else.
“I know. I'm staying at the studio for now,” Was the answer.
“Why?”
“I want to get distance between us. Maybe if we weren't under one another's feet the whole time, we could calm down properly,”
“I guess you're right...but you'll come back, right?” Kibum asked, a bit worried now.
“I don't know,” Jinki answered with a slight smile, “but in all honesty, I hope not,”

Kibum bit his lip. That hurt his feelings. Bad.

“You don't want to be with me anymore?” He breathed out - he couldn't imagine Jinki leaving, but it was clearly happening.
“No. Not if things will continue like this,” He said and cast his eyes down to the drawing he was busy with, filling in some of the shades with his free hand.
“But they won't. We just need time, don't you think? Everyone goes through rough patches. All couples do. Why don't you want to fight for us anymore?” Kibum couldn't understand it. Well, he could, in a way - he knew he could be too much at times - but he couldn't see why his boyfriend wouldn't try and fix things.
“I know that. But it's been so long, and I don't know if I want to anymore. I don't know if it's worth it,” Jinki said what was truly on his mind, “I don't know if I love you anymore,”

Kibum inhaled sharply as some tears pricked at his eyes. Out of all things, this wasn't what he expected to hear.

“Oh,” He managed to squeak out eventually. An awkward silence continued on the line.
“But I love you so much. You know that. Won't you at least give this some thought? I'll be here waiting, as I always have,” Kibum said when Jinki remained quiet. Even though work had been rough again, he didn't care - this was much worse. He could lose a lot of things, but he couldn't handle losing Jinki.

The elder man simply sighed, “I'll talk to you later, okay?”

Kibum agreed, then ended the call, knowing Jinki didn't want to talk right now. That hurt too.
He waited for the call that night, trying to get up to date with his work while checking his phone every five minutes until late at night. But the call never came.

Kibum reached out a few more times after that, but Jinki had stopped returning his texts, and barely answered the phone; the younger one understood it and knew it was for the best. The last thing he wanted was for them to turn into a toxic couple, so even though it hurt, he'd let Jinki go. He wished that his ex would find someone great, someone who deserved him, but deep down Kibum knew that person was himself. He was selfish, he knew it, but he loved Jinki too much to really hope his boyfriend found someone else quickly.

Time went by, and the seasons changed. The warm summer air turned into spring air, and Kibum watched the world pass by with melancholy. He knew Jinki loved spring the most out of all seasons, and seeing so many flowers that his ex would've loved to have take photos of or sketch made his heart ache. Maybe it hurt so much knowing he lost his best friend. Or maybe he just missed the company only Jinki could provide. He wasn't sure, but he knew it hurt a lot.

Jinki continued on with his paintings and sketches, but none of them had the fervor they did before. Most of them got scrapped rather than put in collections. And those that 𝑑𝑖𝑑 make it into the collections didn't represent Jinki at all.
He loved living things; bright, busy cities. Or thriving fruits and flowers that burst with color from the sun. But what he'd turned to was rotting, withering flowers and decaying fruit with dull, monochrome colors, nothing like the personality he had or what he wanted to achieve. But this was all he could come up with - how could he paint happy things if he didn't feel it? It was already a miracle he could find it in himself to paint.
And every day the paintings and sketches of Kibum stood on his wall, mocking him, he felt a little bit of the petals in his heart break away and die.

It was a difficult adjustment for them both; they shared everything together and with one another, and it was hard not having each other to turn to. When Kibum had a rough day, he didn't have Jinki to help cheer him up. When Jinki was unsure about a painting or sketch, he didn't have Kibum to ask for an opinion. It was difficult for both to get used to, but they knew it was for the best. Maybe in time they could be friends (if it didn't hurt that much to be reminded of what they lost every day), but right now, they had to stop talking, or else nothing would ever end.

Kibum often sent little messages to Jinki in hopes of him responding, but he never did, and the younger one didn't expect him to either. He missed the conversations, even if they were stiff sometimes, holding Jinki's chubby little hands, taking a walk down scenic routes to help get some motivation for the artist, and other similar things. Everything felt so lonely and cold now, and Kibum didn't like it one bit. He was so down and hurt that attempting to watch a Ghibli movie threw him into an inconsolable mess until the next morning! From then on, he knew movies that reminded him of Jinki was definitely not an option anymore.

They met up about three months later again, and not by choice.

There was a festival in the city, and although Jinki didn't really want to go because he didn't like crowds that much, his “friend” (meaning friend with benefits) insisted he come along, so he did. Kibum came to the same one with his new boyfriend, but he would've loved to come with Jinki...if they were still in contact.

There was a lot of drinking and dancing, but it was mostly to drown sorrows and temporarily heal wounds that hadn't yet recovered. Kibum liked Minho, but he wasn't Jinki - he couldn't hold Minho like he could Jinki, he didn't smile like Jinki, he couldn't kiss like Jinki. He just 𝑤𝑎𝑠𝑛'𝑡 𝐽𝑖𝑛𝑘𝑖.
And on Jinki's side, he had gotten involved with someone just to feel better, but it made him feel worse in the end. There was no commitment in this relationship; as his friend had said, they “were only friends, the was just an extra” and that “it's fun like this, because you don't have to think or explain anything”. But Jinki had never liked things like that. He thought about things too much, and he needed to ask questions when he was unsure. However, being told “you're overthinking it” when he clearly wasn't made him more aware that he wasn't cut out for this. He liked someone who didn't like him back, and that didn't help at all.

Maybe it was fate that Jinki and Kibum were meant to meet again, or maybe it was just luck, but in their tipsy haze, they caught sight of one another through the dancing bodies.

Perhaps it was because they hadn't seen each other for so long, or maybe it was just because they drank so much to hide their sadness that they felt the instinctual pull to one another at the moment. It was nothing ual - well, maybe not that strong as the other feelings - and it mostly consisted out of love, adoration, happiness, melancholy, and the feeling of retrieving a lost item after a very long time. Seeing each other like this, in this place with all the changes they'd gone through, made the two men miss one another even more. Still, in this moment, they realized just how much they needed and wanted one another back; there was no one better matched for Kibum than Jinki, and there was no one that made Jinki happier than Kibum. They didn't want to be without one another anymore. These three months were already too long.

Before they knew it, they were smudged up against one another, their hands traveling everywhere over each other, as if they couldn't believe this was real. The various colors of the lights that spun and beamed in different directions blinded them, and the cheers from the crowd mixed with the loud music hurt their heads, but they ignored all of it just to look deep into one another's eyes. It was enough to make them sob in one another's arms in the middle of the hopping teenagers and adults in time with the music, but they didn't do that. They just kissed.

It felt like coming up for air after a terrifyingly long time underwater; it was refreshing, soothing, and definitely calming. Kibum finally felt at peace knowing Jinki was here again, in his arms, where he could be safe and happy. He wished the best for the elder man, but not knowing if he was okay or not drove Kibum crazy daily.
And to know Kibum was here with Jinki, who missed him day and night, made the elder man happier than he could ever describe.

The kiss was desperate, their lips moving together as if they could tell one another all the hardships they'd been through. Kibum's lips were soft as always, and he sighed at how wonderful it felt to have those plump lips against his own; he missed it so terribly, he nearly melted into goo having it again.

When they pulled away, they rested their foreheads against one another's, grinning at each other.

“I thought you were here with someone,” Kibum called out over the music, remembering that he saw Jinki enter with another man.
“I was. He was a friend with benefits,” He answered as they separated a little to talk more clearly.
Kibum laughed, “friends with benefits? You? Really? I can't imagine it. I can't imagine 𝑦𝑜𝑢 having without emotions involved. You're so fragile,”

As always, he proved he knew Jinki better than anyone else ever could.

Jinki laughed now as well. “You're right. But didn't you also come in with someone?”

“I did. But he's not important,” Kibum said seriously - now that him and Jinki were seemingly back together, he'd leave Minho at the drop of a hat. It was a little mean, Kibum knew it, but no one was as important as Jinki was to him.

At the end of the night when the festival was over (with the couple only splitting up to tell their other partners things were done), Kibum approached Jinki.

“I know I've been hard to deal with. But I love you so much, and I know I've hurt you a lot...but I'll work on it for you. I want us to work things out, for us to be happy like before. I love you, Jinki,” He said softly as he held those soft, warm hands that were always welcoming; going so long without it made him appreciate it more than ever.

Jinki nodded with a wide, happy smile, leaning in for a kiss - they didn't need words. Just a kiss was enough to let one another know things were okay.