2MIN — brutal {A}
SHINee One-Shots
Taemin tapped his fingertips on the table, his cheek cradled by his other palm. He studied his phone on the table, his mind racing a million miles a minute.
What could he do? How could he do it? What would the repercussions be?
It was nice and all having a boyfriend, but what about those times when he didn't feel himself, like he had to put on a mask just to be adored? It wasn't fun. He wasn't loud or outgoing or playful, yet he felt like he had to be or else this relationship wouldn't work. He was just himself - quiet, laid-back, and not that special.
Taemin then sighed. Who knew relationships could be so complicated? Well, he expected something like this, considering this feeling of being a fake had been hovering around him like a dark cloud for some time now. It wasn't new, but he hadn't done anything to change it until now.
The truth was, he did like Minho. He liked being with him, being together, calling him his boyfriend...but he had started to feel drained lately. The elder one was more of a joker than anything else, someone who liked video games and sports and making new friends; everything Taemin wasn't. He had assured the younger man that he could be anything he wanted to and he'd still be loved, but that wasn't how Taemin felt. He didn't trust that Minho would still want to be with him if he was just his plain old self - he was boring in comparison to his boyfriend, even more so since he was putting on a façade of being just like Minho for a few months now. He didn't like drinking, but he did it for and with his boyfriend so they'd stay together. He didn't like sports or playing golf, but he still entertained it to keep Minho happy and engaged with him. Still, it was tiring, and it felt like he'd reached his limit.
It was one thing to act different, but it was another to keep this act in place for what would be the rest of his life. Did he really want to be someone he wasn't forever? He knew he'd only feel more pressured the time went on; what if they got engaged? Or married? He wouldn't want to lose this when they'd go so far, but his heart was already starting to wander.
He didn't have anyone else in mind. Nothing like that. It was only Minho to him, but his feelings for the elder one were dwindling. Why exactly had Taemin started liking him? It was his charisma for sure, but that hadn't settled down, and Minho was more playful than anything else, making the younger one often doubt if they were really dating and if they were just friends instead. They didn't kiss or hold hands often like most couples did - instead, they played games (which Taemin lost nearly every time due to Minho's competitive nature and would then have it rubbed in his face), drank soju or beer, and chatted about upcoming sports games. It wasn't that great to Taemin, but Minho liked it, so he was satisfied.
He wasn't sure when or what changed - he felt himself fading away from Minho, like they were worlds apart. Taemin wanted to be himself on some days, but what if the elder one didn't like him because of it? And yet, they were still falling apart because Taemin didn't feel that same level of attraction since he was trying so hard to be someone else. Either way, things were bound to end. It was a lose-lose situation.
“I'm home! You should've come with to the gym today. I got so much done, we would've done well together,” Minho announced as he stepped into their shared apartment, bringing with him that same enthusiastic joy he always did, but he could sense the gloominess radiating from his boyfriend. He hadn't been himself lately and had retreated into a quiet and somewhat sad shell that Minho didn't know how to penetrate, so he let Taemin have the space he needed.
“That's great,” The younger one said with as much happiness as he could muster, which wasn't a lot, and he knew Minho could see it too.
The elder one's eyebrows scrunched as he studied Taemin's sad features, and he dropped his gym bag to approach the younger one.
“How are you doing, though? And how was your day? I missed you,” He said as he sat by the table in front of his boyfriend. He wanted Taemin to know he was right here if he needed to talk.
But the blonde simply shook it off, “My day was fine, I guess...”
“Do you wanna do something with me? We could watch a movie,” He offered then, but Taemin only sighed.
“I know that wouldn't be fun for you. Don't you want to go to the club or something? I'll stay here again,” Taemin said.
Minho's features twisted into a grimace; how could Taemin think that he'd rather leave and have a good time on his own knowing the younger one was here alone, not feeling well?
“A movie wouldn't be boring to me, as long as we could do it together,” He said once he'd composed himself, reaching out to hold Taemin's hand.
“I guess,” The blonde responded glumly. He knew Minho was only saying this as a way to keep him comfortable, and he knew the elder man would get antsy and bored in an hour or so. Taemin didn't have the heart to cage him in any more than he already had these past few days, but he also felt miserable knowing Minho would be out having fun without him. It didn't feel right making the elder one settle into a quiet living space when that wasn't what he wanted or what he was made for.
“Tell me what you need. I'll do anything, you know that. I just want you to be happy,” Minho pleaded and squeezed Taemin's hand that was limp in his. The blonde frowned a little, his heart clenching at the words, “But I'm fine,”
“You're not and we both know that. Just tell me what's wrong. I want to help you. I'm here! I'm here for you and whatever you want. Do I talk too much? I can change that. I'll change everything for you,”
“I don't want you to change,”
Wasn't it selfish of Taemin to expect his boyfriend to change his ways just to make him happy? He felt wrong just thinking of it. Minho wouldn't be complete if he changed to fit Taemin's standards, and the blonde didn't want that. He didn't want Minho to change anything. He did like him a lot, but he didn't have the heart to ask him to change for things to work out.
“But if it would make you happy-”
“I'm alright. It's just been a long day. Now, how was your day?” Taemin said with a placid smile, patting Minho's hand to calm him down.
However, hearing his excited chatter about things they didn't have in common - the gym, soccer, swimming, tons of friends - only secured Taemin's thoughts that they weren't made for each other. They were too different, worlds apart, and there was no way they would be happy if neither wanted the other to change for one another. Maybe it was a silly reason to break up since it could've been fixed by compromising their behaviors and what they did together, but Taemin didn't want Minho to have regrets or not reach his full potential just because the blonde couldn't adjust to him. Besides, his attraction to the elder one waned with every joke or every game lost. He liked love and affection, not to be toyed or competed with.
That night as Minho got some sleep, Taemin began packing his things as quietly as he could to not disturb the elder one. He also wanted to avoid a confrontation, so he didn't want to make any noise and wake Minho up.
He wished he could stay, but they were just too different to work. It was difficult, but this was the best option for them both. He needed someone who loved and cared for him, someone who went out on romantic dates with him and who spoiled him rotten. Minho needed someone who would challenge his sporty side and who didn't mind not having those romantic vacations often. They weren't a good fit for one another, and maybe they could find people who'd love them for who they were without having to make any changes.
As Taemin was folding his shirts to add to his suitcase, the elder one woke up, and he looked at the blonde in a startled manner when he noticed the scattered bags.
“What's going on? What are you doing?” He was still half asleep as he sat up on the bed and rubbed his eyes, and Taemin made a small grimace as he paused his packing.
“Are you leaving? Where are you going?” Minho continued peppering him with questions when he didn't get a response. He was panicked seeing Taemin getting ready to leave without any apparent reason.
“I don't know yet. But I just wanted to go...I'll find an apartment along the way, I think,” Taemin responded honestly. It was such a spontaneous move, which was funny considering he'd been thinking of this for some time.
“But why? What do you mean? Should I get ready too?” Minho asked with a frown.
“No. No...I'll be going on my own. You'll stay here,” Taemin said gently, “I think it's best if we part ways,”
“Part ways? Huh?! For what? Where is this coming from, Taemin?”
“We haven't been doing good for a while now, don't tell me you couldn't see it. I'm not the person you want me to be. I can't go out drinking every night, or go to the gym at 4 in the morning. It's not me, and it never was. I don't think it ever could be, really. It makes me unhappy to be that way,”
“But it doesn't have to be like that. I can change, you know that. I'd do it for you. If you want, I'll stay home more often. Haven't I showed you enough love or care? I can work on that. We can plan more dates, we can-”
“I don't want you to change for me. I wouldn't feel okay about that, knowing you're not being yourself around me,”
“But this is straining on you, and I don't want it to be the reason we end things. I love you,”
Taemin didn't answer, and only looked away again as he continued packing his things. He'd already made up his mind, and nothing would change it.
“Listen to me! You can't go. I'm...I'm nothing without you, can't you see that? It doesn't matter to me how or what you are. You could be an alien and I wouldn't care! As long as it's you I get to wake up next to every morning. If you want to stay here every day for the rest of our lives, I'll gladly accept that. You can stay here in the apartment, and I'll take care of everything. I'll even cook for you if I have to. Just, please...give it some thought? We can fix this, I know we can,” Minho exclaimed as he leaped up from the bed to look down at his boyfriend who sat on the floor, still organising his things. The blonde hesitated for a minute, then sighed again, “you won't be happy or satisfied like that. You need someone outgoing, someone who can challenge you every day. That's not me. I'm too soft for you,”
“You're not. You never were. I just love you for who you are, quiet or loud or annoying or talkative. As long as it's you, I don't care about anything else!” Minho continued, “I'm not losing you over this. I won't let that happen,”
It touched the blonde's heart, but he'd rather have Minho happy with someone more suited to him than change his whole lifestyle to accommodate Taemin.
He glanced up at his boyfriend with misty eyes, and Minho knew from that look that there was no way of salvaging this any more.
“Call me if you need me. I'm here, always. Whether it's for someone to talk to, advice, a place to stay...I'll always be waiting,” Minho said in a gruff voice, his whole body aching as he stood with Taemin beside the taxi that was waiting for him. He wanted to grab hold of the blonde and never let go, and it took every ounce of him to not do that.
“I appreciate it. And I'm sorry for all the stress,” Taemin responded as he looked up at the other one, saddened at how hard Minho seemed to be taking it. He didn't expect it to be this difficult for either of them, but what did he think would happen? They never fought, and they never had any problems until now. Of course it would be hard.
“You didn't stress me. You don't have to say sorry. I just wish you would've given it more thought...I can change,” Minho offered hopefully, his hands on Taemin's shoulders.
“You deserve to be happy with someone who accepts you as you are, no changes needed. I'll call you soon, okay? Once I've settled down somewhere,” The blonde said with a little smile, patting Minho's shoulder, then got into the taxi.
The taller one watched the car pull away, his heart swelling sadly until it felt like it would burst and he'd rot from the inside out. Well, that's all he wanted to do currently - nothing mattered if Taemin wasn't with him.
He waited for the call the next day. That call from the blonde asking to come pick him up, or that he was sorry and he wanted to fix things, or that he couldn't do this without Minho by his side...but it never came. He waited a week, then a month, then two, and eventually tried to call and message Taemin, but the number was out of service. His cellphone number had changed, and he'd left all his social media platforms, leaving Minho with no way to contact him. He'd never felt so alone before, and it truly felt like he was rotting from the inside. He loved Taemin so much, even when he left, and things had ended like this.
Minho thought that somehow, in someway, they'd meet again, maybe at a café or at a bar of some sort, but it never happened. He could never reach Taemin since his social media accounts had changed, and he didn't know any of the blonde's friends to ask for his cellphone number.
Despite all Minho's hopes, they never saw or spoke to one another again, and he could do nothing but accept it and that rotting piece of his heart that never healed after Taemin left.
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