“I can’t do this.”

The words brought you to an abrupt stop in the middle of the busy sidewalk. People brushed past you, their teeth in annoyance, but you didn’t notice them. You didn’t notice anything as you stared blankly at the ground.

“What?” A tall figure loomed over you, long bowed legs obscuring the gum covered sidewalk. He let out a chuckle. “We’ve only looked at one apartment. But, if you’re tired, it’s okay. We don’t have to look at any more today. I’ll reschedule.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Your eyes fell shut as your head began to pound. You started rubbing your temples to try to relieve the sudden pain. It gave little relief. A whimper left your mouth, the small noise caught the man before you’s attention. He took a step closer, the small action had you feeling claustrophobic, like walls were closing in on you, despite being out in the open. Your throat and eyes were burning, chest constricting painfully. These reactions weren’t new. No. You had been feeling like this for weeks. The best way you could describe it was as though you were being pulled deep into the sea. Being dragged along against your will. The current was too strong for you to swim out of, and you were choking, drowning, panicking….

It felt like you were dying.

Inhaling deeply, you worked up the courage to look up at your fiance. He met your gaze, caught the tears shining in your eyes, and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. That confusion quickly turned into concern once he registered your distress.

“Chanyeol, I….” Your voice gave out, cutting your confession short. Instead, you shake your head, hoping that was enough to convey your conflicting emotions.

“Baby?” His hand wrapped around yours, the one with the band that represented your forever.

The happiest you’ve ever seen Park Chanyeol was the moment he slid that engagement ring onto your finger. The way he couldn’t help but smile whenever he caught sight of you wearing it never went unnoticed. “What’s wrong?”

You were pretty sure you were having a panic attack. The pain in your chest only grew, made it so hard to catch your breath you began to gasp. The effort collected onto the corner of your eyes, spilling over onto your cheeks in hot streaks. 

It was too late now. 

Or maybe it wasn’t. Chanyeol’s eyes bounced back and forth between your own as he nervously rubbed his lips together, stretching them into a line so thin, you no longer could see the pink flesh. 

“I don’t think we should do this,” you managed to gasp out. There it was, now out in the air. You took him in, wearily awaiting his response to your words.

“Oh….” He visibly deflated, and for a second you thought he understood what you were saying. But, he perked up immediately. His optimism made you sigh in dismay. “You can just move in with me! We don’t have to get a new apartment. I just assumed–”

“Chanyeol!” You yelled, shutting him up. Your once flaccid fingers gripped his tightly. He winced, but didn’t attempt to pull away. If anything it allowed him to focus more on you.  

“Please,” you begged hoarsely. “I…I don’t want to marry you!”

The silence that followed was suffocating. The whole world froze for an immeasurable time, you swore even those around you stopped moving as well. 

He just….gawked at you. As though he heard your words, but couldn’t fully make out what they meant. You could see the wheels turning in his head, replaying what you said over and over until they gained meaning. It took some time, but soon his eyes began to flutter and his chest expanded, inhaling a ragged breath. While he breathed in, you exhaled. 

You were worried you had broken him there.

“You don’t…? Marry…? I….” 

With wide eyes, you silently encouraged him, in the hope that he put two and two together.

“I don’t understand.”

“What is there to not understand?” You asked, frustration sharpening your words. “I don’t want to marry you anymore, Chanyeol.”

“But–but why?”

His heart was starting to break, the situation fully dawning on him. It’s a devastating sight, watching him realize he’s about to lose the love of his life. You wanted to look away, to avoid the pain that would come from the weight of his anguish. Seeing his suffering was just as wounding as if he were the one to break up with you instead. But, you had to push more, had to shove the knife a few inches further so that you could kill this completely. 

“I’m not ready. I thought I was, I really did, but I need to be alone–”

“Alone?” He spat out the word, as though that weren’t a part of his vocabulary, which you imagined it weren’t. “But you love me? Why do you want to leave?”

Your lips shook so much it grew difficult to speak. “That’s not enough. I wish it was, but it isn’t. You have to let me go.”

“You want me to let you go?” He asked in disbelief. “We’ve been together for four years! We’re planning on getting married in a few months! You’re all I know! Please, baby, tell me you aren’t serious.”

You remained silent and it only pushed him further into a panic. “We don’t have to get married now, if that’s what you want. We don’t have to move in together. We can wait. I can wait. We can slow down, focus on other things until you’re ready. Just please, please, Mel! Don’t do this. Don’t leave me.”

“I’ve already made up my mind,” you said. Chanyeol shook his head in denial, protests left his lips, but you continued, raising your voice so it overlapped his. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore, Chanyeol! Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“Don’t say that!” He cried, tears streaming down his face. Your hands balled into fists, fingernails dug deep into your palms, drawing blood. 

Chanyeol fell to his knees, gasping for breath before you, and begged for you to stop. To think about this, to love him back. Love him. Don’t you love him?

He reached for you and you took several steps back and that rejection seemed to snap something inside him.

He immediately stopped crying, face falling in shock. His hands were still stretched towards you, hands open for your embrace. The only sound coming from you both were his ragged breaths. 

He stared at his empty hands as though seeing them for the first time, confusion washed over his features. Did you just…deny him? He then took in his surroundings, took notice to the small crowd forming around you, who took in the show with either pity or curiosity. It grounded him, made him aware of the scene he was making. Slowly his arms lowered back to his sides, and he silently got back to his feet, brushing his pants off and sniffing, wiping away the wetness on his red face.

“Let me take you home.” His voice was gravelly and deeper than you had ever heard it. You hated the way it caused your heart to speed up, your lower abdomen to burn with want. That was the opposite of what you should’ve felt.

“Yeol, I don’t think–”

He doesn’t give you time to finish. Quickly, spinning around and heading towards his car without making sure you were even following. You had to jog to catch up with his wide steps. You remained silent. You understood. No one deserved to get dumped in public like this.

Once you were both in his car, he drove off without a word or glance over to you. Even the music remained off, which was never a good sign of his state of mind.

It was only a fifteen minute drive to your place, but it felt much longer.

He parked in front of your complex, turned off his car, and you both just… sat there. You played with your fingers, and tried to ignore the way the streetlight ahead hit your engagement ring, causing the light to bounce around the car. It was beautiful–a great representation of Chanyeol’s feelings for you.

“I’m sorry,” you finally spoke, feeling wetness on your hands. “I hate hurting you.”

His hands curled tightly around the steering wheel. “So, you want to go through with this? You really want to call off the wedding?”

You nodded, albeit reluctantly. “We’re not ready–at least, I’m not. I don’t want to grow to resent you, Yeol. And if we get married now, I will. I know I will. I’m starting to think that I’m not the type to get married, to be tied down. I… want to swim.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, and your heart leapt. It should have made you feel cold, instead it warmed your heart. 

You couldn’t help but reach over and cup his cheek and smile ruefully at him. “You’re going to make a wonderful husband, Yeol. Just not mine.”

“Don’t say that.” He ordered again, voice cracking. He reached up and grabbed your hand, holding it firmly against his dampening cheek. For the second time, he broke down. Weeping the loss of his soon-to-be bride. You held him. Let him lean into your touch for the last time, to savor the feeling of his soft skin beneath your fingers. This truly felt like a farewell. Like you were never going to see him again, and if that were the case you wanted to remember all the things you loved most about him while he was still in front of you, even as he fell apart around you. 

You sobbed with him. Mourned for the future you both had planned for, the only future you saw for the last few years. He had grown to be all you knew, and it wasn’t as easy as you were making it to leave him. 

“I love you,” he cried. “I love you so damn much. I don’t want to lose you.”

That only made you sob harder. , you loved him too, and you wished you could tell him that. But that would only make it harder for him to let you go, and you needed him to. You both had to move on.

“I’m sorry,” was all you could muster. You repeated that word over and over, hoping he would grasp the weight of your regret.

The sun was in the middle of its descent when you both were able to finally catch your bearings.

Chanyeol let go of your hand, took in the ring and closed his eyes, readjusting in his seat so that he could lean back and stare unseeingly at the darkening sky through his sunroof.

“Now what?” He asked. 

“We move on,” you said between hiccups. “I’ll inform everyone in a week. Give you time… to come to terms with everything.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually doing this,” he muttered, still looking at the scramble of stars ahead of him. “I thought you loved me.”

You took a massive breath and let it out in a gust, clearing your throat of the burning ball building within it.

You needed to go before you said something stupid, like you changed your mind. There was just one thing left to do.

You started taking off your ring.

Hands brought you to a stop.

“What are you doing?” It was said so fiercely, you jerked back, startled. When you locked eyes with Chanyeol’s, they were aflame. The fire in his eyes reminded you of the infamous painting of Lucifer.

The intensity had you gulping in fear. 

“Keep it,” he said through gritted teeth.

“But–”

“No,” he repeated, just as intensely. “That’s yours. Hold on to my heart for me. I only want you to have it.”

“Chanyeol….” Your eyes clouded over again with fresh tears. There was a change in him. Instead of being the victim, he was being strong, fully coming to terms with what was happening.

His grip on your hand tightened slightly, “You said you want to be alone. Fine. I’ll leave you alone. But, I want you to remember that there is someone that loves you. I will always be in love with you. Even now, when you’re leaving me. Even if you find someone new, I will always be here–waiting for you to come back to me.”

“What if I don’t come back?” You can’t help but ask.

“I don’t know if you will,” he said. His authenticity only made you feel worse. “But I’ll be waiting all the same.”

He squeezed your hand. “So, please, Mel, do this last thing for me. Keep the ring.”

Hot tears streamed down your face and he brushed them away with his thumbs before leaving a lingering kiss on your forehead.

“I love you.”

His confession had you sobbing. He was letting you go completely, and it had you regretting the decision. You loved him so much and you leaving at the end of the day had nothing to do with him. This was a selfish choice, but it was one you knew you had to make. You had to do something for yourself for once, and this was it. Putting yourself first wasn't easy, but it was necessary for you to grow into the person you wanted to be. 

“I know you still love me,” Chanyeol continued. “But I think I’m starting to understand what you’re trying to do.” 

“I’m sorry,” you said for the hundredth time.

He gave you a small smile, taking in your features as though it were for the last time, which was a high chance it would be. “I know.”

That’s enough of a goodbye to you. 

You stare at each other for a moment longer, wanting to prolong the inevitable. But, finally you pulled away and opened the door, stumbling out. Holding your hand to your chest, you felt the cool metal of your engagement ring against your burning flesh–the physical representation of his heart.

Despite breaking it, it was the only thing that gave you strength.

It was what got you through the loneliest year of your life.

Until he took it back.

You awake the next day more exhausted than before you dozed off. Cracking open an eye, you see Sehun fluttering around. His dark hair is wet, dampening the shoulders of his white t-shirt that’s tucked into black slacks.

He notices you and grins. “Oh! Good morning.”

You groan as you stretch. “What time is it?”

“It’s a little past eleven. I was just about to wake you. I have to leave here in a bit.”

You sit up, squinting. “I need a shower.”

“You’re free to use mine, although you didn’t bring anything with you.”

You sigh. That means you’ll have to go back to your room.

“There’s breakfast on the table. Eat first. You’ll have just enough time to get ready after.”

You nod while letting out a large yawn. Sehun walks past you and you grab his wrist, pulling him to a stop. He glances down at you questioningly, and you answer with a smile. “Thank you.”

He matches your smile. “Of course. Now go eat.”

He pats the bird’s nest on top of your head before disappearing into his room, leaving while you’re in the middle of eating. You take your time, chewing slowly as you work up the courage to head over to your suite.

Once in the hallway, your eyes are drawn over to the door a little off to your right. The one Chanyeol vanished after kissing you last night. Your breath catches as you remember the feeling of his lips against yours. The way his hands cupped your face. The desperation in his gaze and voice. You shake your head and realize that you had started walking over to the room instead of your own. You let out a shaky laugh, you can’t go to him. Not yet. Not after last night, not before goi