I am feeling distant when I know I shouldn’t.

I am feeling indifferent when I am supposed to be happy.

I am feeling things I shouldn’t. BECAUSE I AM WITH HER.

From the corner of my eyes, I just watch her. She was not as fragile as before. She gained strength as time goes.  Now I am confused. I know she can now stand on her own. Shine on her own. But I still want to be with her. To guide her. Just to be with her... always.

She puzzles me.

When I am with her, I want to act not a younger brother but a dependable sunbae. 

….should I call it LOVE? Yet I’m thinking it’s more of a concern, or a care for a sister.

….when I wanted to shower my girlfriend childish stuff like letting out balloons from the trunk, and borrowing cafés for the day to do mini concerts, I wanted to seem cool with her. Or manlier.

I keep my distance. Afraid to be caught red-handed by the fans vicious eyes. Specially the “sasaeng” fans.

But when I felt pain when more and more fanboys openly confess their likeness for her, I figured… I like her.

There were different confessions for her. Through radio, saying she’s cute and pretty or deliberately claiming she’s mine on cyworld. I don’t care. But when it was Youngbae singing I Need a Girl with her, I felt a throbbing pain. I find it hard to look at them. To even think that she used the marvellous “padding” just to look y. Not for me. But for Youngbae.

LOVE HER. Still, I doubt. Doubting. Because as much as I’ve been carefree with causing scandal much to President YG’s disappointment, I don’t have the courage to just even approach her.

As I’ve said, I am keeping my distance. Maybe because I’m half aware and half denying to myself. That my affection will be noticed.

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

The songs I am writing are like my diary. In my diary, they were mostly about the romance that I have. Bittersweet. Sometimes, plain happy.  Or regret.

Music is like the air I breathe. Without music, I’ll be suffocated.

I stop my thoughts as she smiled at me. Like before, my heart became erratic. Like it wanted to jump out of my chest. She has that effect on me. And as she comes closer, I felt daze. Could it be… and I am just denying?

When she passed by me and chose to sit opposite me, beside Youngbae, I felt the throbbing pain again. I don’t like it.

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to scream. I know. I am a fool. It’s been this long that I am feeling this way but I kept myself blind. So I’ll make my first move. I am not really showing any closeness with her when the cameras are rolling. But I must guard her now before I lose a grip of her. Shippers should be happy. Yet, YG might be having panic attack as this clip is being aired. Oh, my sasaeng fan might not like it nor the HeeDragon, or SunDara shipper. This clip when I freely let myself laugh and be extra close with HER on public t.v.

Then as a punishment, I’ll cut my hair. It’s funny that I am thinking about the possibility of having rumors that I'm going army when I do it. Of course not. I'm not ready yet. Not quite ready to leave her without telling her how I truly feel all this time.

Because if I can’t tell her how I fell I might suffocate to death as I realize that Dara is my now oxygen. That I’ll only be writing songs for her. Hopefully it’s a happy song.