"친구라는 말은 어울리지 않아. 그렇다고 키스할 수는 없잖아”

“The word ‘friends’ doesn’t match. But then again, I can’t just kiss you”

꧁꧂

     The policeman had been extremely busy with work those days. A new mysterious case was leaving him with sleepless nights and a big headache, and specially that week he had to go on a two days trip to another city. There, he planned to interrogate some witnesses that could have important answers related to the case. Now he was going back home aching for a shower and a good night of sleep.

     Arriving home, Changbin’s drained expression changed into a small tired smile when he noticed the postman had left another letter from Hyunjin. For someone who previously used to take long shifts on purpose, going back home became a promise to find another letter from the younger man in his mail, and Changbin started to look forward to it.

     Hyunjin was fine with waiting, but Changbin was not. He was impatient, even eager. As a reward for being a good friend that week, Hyunjin had sent him two letters, one more than usual. The older man was excited to have this surprise when he got home.

     After taking a warm shower to relax his tense muscles, the man sat in front of the desk and took the newly arrived letter. Changbin was curious to know what made Hyunjin send him one more letter that week. Maybe he missed him, Changbin thought. That idea made him smile, but then he shook his head to cast out that wishful thinking.

     No different from the younger’s usual, the first paragraph made the man turn into a cringing mess. Why did Hyunjin have to bring back the topic of his dreams all the time? He thought they were already over it, but it seemed like they were not. Changbin dropped the page on the desk, then released a frustrated scream, throwing his head back.

     “Aishi-! Whyyyyy?”

     He covered his face with both hands and pretended to half-heartedly cry, before putting himself together and taking the paper again. Hyunjin would forever about that story, and he couldn’t do anything about it. With the little dignity Changbin had left, he kept on reading the letter, but when he reached the end, his expression was nothing but a frown. 

      “ ...why you never came to visit me? This short question turned gloomy into upset, and I don’t want the upset to become hurt. So this is the last letter I will send you.”

     The words stung. They pulled a sting somewhere deep inside him, making his chest ache. It would be a lie to say Changbin never thought about meeting Hyunjin in person. On the contrary, he had considered it every single day. The man had tried many times going to the clinic before he decided to send his first letter, but never got the nerve to actually go inside. What Hyunjin didn’t know was that the reason why he never did it, even afterwards, was because Changbin wanted to respect Hyunjin's privacy. He wanted to take it easy on him.

     No matter how much he wanted to see, to hear, or to hold him, in Changbin's eyes Hyunjin was still very fragilized, and imposing his presence on him might be uncomfortable to the younger and push him away. So he waited.

     Waiting for days turned into weeks, then months, making Changbin forget about his wants and needs, and focus only on what would be better for the other. If he liked to exchange letters, Changbin was happy with exchanging letters. If he wanted to call him his friend, he would take it gladly. Hyunjin's recovery was what mattered.

     When Changbin read Hyunjin's last letter, his chest felt stuffy. Hyunjin was upset, and the reason why he felt like that was no one other than Changbin. It was difficult to tell how “ this is a farewell letter ” turned into “ let's talk about life ”, and then into “ let's be friends ” for the two of them. Now Hyunjin was willing to cut their contact for good if Changbin didn't pay him one visit at least. 

     The younger man wanted to make it real, make it face to face and two beating hearts in a room. The older one was fine with it. Or at least he thought he was, before considering that when he met Hyunjin in person again, there was no turning back. He wouldn't be able to make an excuse for why he wanted to go there and see him every day, or why being close to the other made him all bubbly and warm, and melted inside. 

     Hyunjin would notice. There was no way he wouldn't notice it in his eyes, or in his voice. Maybe even his breathing would give it away. But if the younger was ready to meet him, then it was fine. Changbin wanted to be a caring, supportive friend, so that was the role he would take: A good friend who cares for Hyunjin more than anyone else .

꧁꧂

     Changbin indeed knew the address. He had been sending letters to the same place for months now, after all. The man was just nervous.

     It was a Saturday morning, more specifically, the day after he read Hyunjin’s last letter. Changbin stood in front of the clinic’s entrance with his hands in his jeans’ pockets. He would need a name tag to get inside the fancy-looking construction and ask for Hyunjin. Come to think about it, every place he had been that was related to the Hwang family seemed to be fancy. The dance studio, their mansion, even Hwang Moonsae’s building that was burned down into ruins.

     Pushing the thought aside, Changbin walked to the security cabin to introduce himself. There were two men sitting in chairs surrounded by monitors that were showing videos coming from the CCTV.

     “Hi, I’m here to see Hyunjin. Hwang Hyunjin”, he said, then gave his identity to one of the men. On a normal day, Changbin would use his police badge, but it wasn’t a normal day. The most important point was that he wasn’t there as the police officer Seo Changbin either. Today he was just Changbin, Hyunjin’s friend.

     “Oh, you must be Mr. Seo, right? Mr. Hwang is waiting for you”, the man said and nodded to him, before giving back Changbin’s identity together with a name tag from the clinic that already had his name written. Apparently, Hyunjin really had everything settled.

     Inside the clinic, Changbin noticed it was a beautiful place with a lot of vegetation, and even had something that looked like a tennis court. The man wondered why they needed a tennis court there, but maybe it was a question for another day. The place wouldn’t even look like people were being treated there if not for the nurses walking around here and there.

     One of the nurses took Changbin through a long corridor full of rooms with white wooden doors, until a certain one he said belonged to Mr. Hwang. Changbin bowed, thanking the man for the help, and then the only thing left to do was knock. At first, he hesitated and walked around the door for a little moment, until he heard the noise of the doorknob turning, and stopped on his track.

     The door opened just one bit to the inside of the room, and Changbin saw the bunch of blond hair of someone peeking outside. The face that turned around brightened up in a beautiful smile when the person noticed him beside the door.

     “I knew you wouldn’t knock”, Hyunjin said and giggled. “Come on in.”

     The thought of Hyunjin waiting for him behind the door made Changbin smile in return. Bashfully, the man entered in Hyunjin’s room. He wondered if he should take off his shoes before getting inside, but the other didn't say anything. 

     Looking around the big room, the older man saw many drawings hanging on the walls. Some were made in pencil, others in paint, but all of them seemed to be related somehow, and some had different types of flowers. Hyunjin also had many art supplies in the room, but everything looked organized, at least that day. 

      Changbin’s hands were sweating.

     When he finally landed his eyes on Hyunjin, the younger was sitting cross-legged in his bed and staring back at him. His blonde hair was tied up in a ponytail with a rubber band, and the dark roots were grown almost until the middle of his head. It was a hot day outside, but Changbin couldn’t help but notice the other was wearing a light blue sweater. The sleeves reached almost to the middle of his slender finger, making sweater paws with them. Changbin decided not to inquire about the clothing that was not according to the weather, because he thought it might be uncomfortable for the other.

     “Do you want to sit?”, Hyunjin asked, patting a spot beside him on the bed. “You won’t get any taller standing there, you know?” The younger had a teasing smile on his face.

     “Ugh, stop it.” Changbin groaned, making the other laugh, then walked to sit in the spot he had shown. 

     “I’m just kidding, Bin. You look so serious.”

    When Changbin was sitting beside him, the man in the blue sweater moisturized his lips and clasped his hands together. Changbin was still nervous to be around him, but the younger one seemed to be better than ever.

     “I’m glad you came. I just hope you didn’t do it because you felt pressured to visit me.” 

     There he was, sitting beside Changbin, and still looking as mesmerizing as before. Except now there was no burning sensation, no fire, and no madness. This Hyunjin was pure morning sunlight kissing your face on a weekend morning. His eyes still sparkled with something else, but it was not flames.

     “I didn’t. I came because I wanted to from the start.” Changbin was quick to answer, before an awkward silence could consume them. Hyunjin slowly nodded his head, then smiled softly.

     “Good.”

     Changbin nodded too, then averted his eyes from Hyunjin’s. Looking around the room, he pointed at one of the drawings hanging on the wall. 

     “So… why did you never tell me you paint?”

     Hyunjin laughed loudly and pushed Changbin’s arm playfully. “Yeah, there it is”, Changbin thought. There was that 'something' bubbling, sparkling in Hyunjin’s laughter that had a strange effect in warming up his heart.

     “It was supposed to be a surprise… But look, now you can stop calling me ‘Hyunjin, the dancer’ this and that ”.

     Hyunjin mocked the older man, rolling his eyes playfully, and it made Changbin groan again. He was losing count of how many times he did that in the past 24 hours. It seemed like Hyunjin only called him there that day to make fun of him, or maybe make him pay for his crime of never visiting him before.

     The older man admired the drawings from afar, before turning back to the other. Hyunjin was also looking around the room as he did so.

      “It’s beautiful. I like it.”

     Changbin offered the compliment with no pretension. Hyunjin’s art was truly incredible if you paid attention. And at the end, the other was right. Changbin got too attached to the fact that he was an unbelievable dancer, but there was more to it that he hadn't found out yet.

     “What, me?”, asked Hyunjin, cocking one eyebrow at the other.

     “Ya! You’re really on my back today, ain’t you?” Changbin nervously laughed it off, looking at anything but the younger. But when the laughter quiet down, Hyunjin approached the other and held his face on his sweater paws, turning Changbin to face him. 

     “You didn’t answer me.” 

     Hyunjin searched for the other man’s eyes, and he looked nervous. He really was, indeed. Hyunjin was too close for comfort, and it was difficult to process any sentence looking in the blond man’s deep brown eyes.

     “I- I meant your drawings, they’re beautiful... but you are beautiful too.”

     There was a deafening silence after what he said. Hyunjin looked surprised by the honest comment, almost as if he didn't expect the other to get the nerve to admit something like that. The blonde averted his eyes from the older man, then scoffed before letting Changbin’s face go. The tense mood, thick with expectation, was suddenly broken.

     Changbin observed the other’s body language change as Hyunjin got up from his bed and grabbed him by the arm, before starting to pull him towards his easel to show him the new piece of art he was working on.

     “Come here, look at this.”

     The rest of the day passed way too fast while Hyunjin showed his favorite drawings and pieces he was currently working on. Changbin didn’t know much about visual arts, but Hyunjin didn’t either, so he was explaining to the older man what he had learned in the past months.

     Hyunjin looked excited while he explained about his art pieces, and Changbin could recognize a glimpse of the passion he once saw in him while he danced. He was smiling, and making comments about how Changbin would be a good model for painting if he ever wanted to. The older man wasn’t sure about that, but he thought he would be glad to one day be gifted with one of Hyunjin’s drawings.

     When the sun was setting, Changbin had to go. They were now on the outside of the building. It was starting to get a little chilly, and soon Hyunjin would have to go back inside for dinner, but Changbin was hesitant to say goodbye. They walked silently side by side until they stopped close to the gate where the older man had entered earlier that day. He didn’t know how to act or if he should do something meaningful, so Hyunjin was the first to talk.

     “Thank you for coming, Bin.”

     A few strands of the younger’s blond hair were out of place now and moving with the wind. Changbin felt the urge to raise his hand and put them back in place, but he didn’t. Instead, he just bit his lower lip and nodded.

     “I’ll come again next week… Pinky promise?” Changbin asked, and showed his pinky finger to the other. Hyunjin smiled at the silly act, but intertwined his own pinky with Changbin’s anyway. The older turned his hand, making their thumb touch, and sealed the promise.

     “Okay, so… I’ll go now.” Changbin gestured with his thumb, pointing to the outside of the gate, then waved his hand shortly.

     “Right, you know where to find me!” Hyunjin said and waved with his hands made into sweater paws, until the other was out. He then ran his hands through his hair, pulling some of those fallen hair strands behind his ears, and turned around in the direction of the entrance. Now it was again he, himself and his art until his friend came back.

     Next week became tomorrow, and tomorrow turned into any day Changbin had some time to drive to the clinic before the visit time was over. Once they were no longer engaged in the letter exchange logistics, the two decided to try more modern methods to get in contact, like Kakao talk or just calling, and it worked just as fine. Of course, all the mystery that was held in the wait for the other’s answer yet to come was gone, but Changbin preferred it being instantly.

꧁꧂

     One year passed quickly, with Changbin visiting Hyunjin regularly while he was on his psychiatric treatment. At first, it was difficult for the policeman to tell his other friends about their uncommon friendship. It certainly felt strange to the others that Changbin was befriending a man that not long before was considered a criminal, and even had put his own and Changbin’s lives in danger. 

     Seungmin and Felix weren’t really pleased to hear about that, but as Felix noticed how his work partner was changing his gloomy aura day by day as he grew closer to Hyunjin, he decided to give the younger man the privilege of doubt. The others, such as Christopher, Jeongin and Jisung were okay with it, as long as Hyunjin was keeping his treatment and taking good care of their friend. 

     The only one who really seemed to dislike it a lot was Minho. The firefighter still held grudges about the time Jisung got hospitalized because of an arson episode, and blamed it on Hyunjin. But little by little, Jisung was trying to take this idea out of his husband’s mind.

     Even without going to jail, Hyunjin was paying for his acts somehow. His freedom had been reduced to only the insides of the clinic for two years, and meanwhile he was doing his treatment with a team of doctors and psychologists. He was learning how to live differently, leaving his harmful bad habits in the past. 

     It wasn’t easy at first. When Hyunjin started drawing, his first pieces only contained colors and figures that resembled the Fire. He was trying, somehow, to replace the heat he received while in contact with the flames. Trying to feel again the joy he once felt only while dancing with his former best friend.

     As his treatment evolved, Hyunjin realized the Fire was never his friend in reality. The Fire also hurt him in many ways, his feelings, his mind, and lastly his body. The man had to figure out how to deal with some new-found insecurities caused by those damages. He spent most of his time alone inside his room, and started to hide under clothes that would cover his scars. Changbin noticed that.

     In the beginning, even on the hottest days, Hyunjin would be wearing hoodies or sweaters. Changbin never really asked him about it, but he knew what it might be related to. As time passed and the two became closer, not only physically but also emotionally, sometimes when they were inside his room Hyunjin would take off his sweater and wear just a shirt.

     The first time he did it, it was an awkward moment. It was a hot day in the middle summer, and they could have let the air conditioner on, but Hyunjin said he wanted the summer breeze to come inside his room. Changbin was sitting on the ground with his back pressed to Hyunjin’s bed while he watched the younger man paint a new settled canvas. 

     The younger was wearing a white button-up shirt under a sand color sweater, and even had a pink beret on his head. He said it was for the style. Hyunjin’s hair was now a little bigger than before, but was no longer bleached, and a clear layer of sweat could be seen covering his forehead. 

     Changbin was concerned the younger could get dehydrated, but had learned already it was of no use to argue about it with him. It was really one of the hottest days, and although he was wearing all black, it was a sleeveless shirt that was showing off his muscles and basketball shorts.

     The man got up from his spot on the floor to take a water bottle from the mini fridge. He opened the bottle and was starting to drink, when he heard Hyunjin complaining and leaving behind a thread of curse words. Looking back to the other man to see what was happening, Changbin noticed Hyunjin throwing his sweater along with the beret far away, and he literally choked on his water. The man coughed a little, attracting the younger’s attention to himself.

     “Hey, are you okay?”

     There were a few droplets of water on his shirt, but the floor was the wettest part. Changbin coughed one more time, then nodded, confirming to the other he was fine.

    For a moment that felt like an hour, the man looked back at Hyunjin, and couldn’t help but stare at him. His white shirt now was messy and had the three first buttons open, showing part of his silky collarbones. The lapel of his shirt was tuned up, and both sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Changbin gulped hard. Hyunjin noticed the other man was staring at him and averted his eyes, turning his back to him on the stool.

     “I’m sorry, hum… It’s just too hot, and I couldn’t stand it anymore.” Hyunjin was facing the wall on the other side while he talked to his friend. “You can just… Just don’t look at them.”

     “What are you talking about?” Changbin was confused.

     “The scars. You don’t have to see this.”

     After hearing Hyunjin’s words, Changbin let out a heavy sigh. In situations like this one, he felt very little and impotent.

     The man left his water bottle over the mini fridge and dodged the water on the floor. He walked in Hyunjin’s direction, then placed one hand on his shoulder as gently as he possibly could.

     “Jin, look at me”, he said softly.

     Hyunjin didn’t move, so Changbin walked around the stool to stand in front of him and took the other one’s face in his hands. They had already gotten used to this kind of skinship . Hyunjin was still averting his eyes from Changbin’s, so he decided to talk like that anyway.

     “I was not looking at your scars... Actually I was, because they are here, they are real, but that was not the point. I was looking at you, because you’re beautiful, Hyunjin. Do you understand that?”

     Changbin heard a sniffle, and then a pair of slender arms wrapped around him. Hyunjin hid his face on Changbin’s chest and the older one held him as he heard more sniffing sounds on his chest. The shorter man, who now looked taller close to Hyunjin, caressed the other one’s dark hair, then kissed the top of his head, whispering. “You’re beautiful with your scars, Jin.”

      Shirt wet or not, Hyunjin wanted to stay there, wrapped in Changbin’s embrace.

     “Can I touch them?”, Changbin asked, making the other man hum questioningly.

     After a few minutes in silence, Hyunjin took his face off the other’s chest and wiped his wet eyes. His nose was slightly red, but he forced a small smile, then nodded. Changbin took one of Hyunjin’s hands in his own and pressed it in encouragement. He had the urge to intertwine their fingers, but he didn’t. 

     Changbin raised one of his hands and caressed Hyunjin’s wrist and then his forearm. There was one of his scars, and it seemed to be already healed. The mark didn’t stand out much, but he could see and feel on his fingertips where the skin was a little pulled. Changbin heard that Hyunjin had gone through some plastic surgeries because of the scars, and he couldn’t even imagine how much pain the younger one had been through before and after the procedures.

     Hyunjin pulled up his sleeve and on the corner of his shoulder there was another one. Changbin touched it so softly, Hyunjin started to tear up again.

     “Don’t cry, Jinnie.” It was easier said than done.

     Besides the ones on his arms, Hyunjin told him he had some other scars on his legs and one on his left thighs, but Changbin never got to trace or even see them.

     After that day, Hyunjin wasn’t afraid to show himself in front of Changbin anymore. On the other way around, it was Changbin who was afraid to be around him when he would show a little more skin. Don’t get him wrong, Changbin wasn’t a ert as Hyunjin would sometimes joke, but he couldn’t help but peek at someone as handsome as Hyunjin once in a while. He was only human and in love.

꧁꧂

     When the two years of his confinement ended, Hyunjin was discharged to keep his regular treatment from his own house. He would still have to go to hospital once a week, but it was way better than not being able to leave the same place. Changbin was truly happy to hear the news from him, and offered to pick him up on his last day.

     Changbin arrives at the clinic before 10 o’clock, that was the time Hyunjin should be allowed to leave. He checked the time on his phone many times, and ruffled his hair in anticipation, but there was no message from Hyunjin. He must be talking with his doctors inside the building.

     In one hand, Changbin had a small bouquet of blue flowers wrapped in a beige paper. The man had noticed Hyunjin liked flowers very much because they were always on his paintings, and the ones he bought were ‘forget-me-not’s . He just hoped Hyunjin wouldn’t pay much attention to the type of flowers or ask about their meaning, because he didn’t know if he would be able of surviving that topic in the early morning.

      Thinking about many things at the same time, Changbin forgot to look at the hours, and only realized it was already time for Hyunjin to leave when the gate was opening. The tall man came out in his direction with a big suitcase in one hand, a covered frame in the other, and a black leather backpack on his back.

     To Changbin’s surprise, the younger was displaying his natural hair in a short haircut. He still looked handsome, but with a different aura. Another thing that surprised him was seeing Hyunjin now wearing a fresh-looking short sleeve button shirt with small patterns on a yellow background. That was the first time the man got outside his room without covering his arms, so it made Changbin feel proud of him and also think he looked cute like that.

     “So? What do you think?”

     Hyunjin had stopped rolling his suitcase when he reached Changbin, then used his free hand to gesture at himself while he turned around and back, making the older laugh.

     “Hum… different?”

     “Different good?”, Hyunjin asked, then bit his lip, expectantly.

     “Different gorgeous.” Changbin said, then smirked as Hyunjin hit him on the arm. 

     “Just shut it, Bin!”

     Changbin offered the bouquet to the younger one and welcomed him back to the real world, before taking his baggage and putting it inside his car’s trunk. They both got in the car and Hyunjin placed the frame on the back sit. Changbin supposed the other wouldn’t be able to take all of his paintings home, but he thought the younger would take more than only one.

     “So, where are you heading now?”

     “I’ll go back to my apartment, I guess. You know where it is, right?”

     “Yeah, I know.”

     He truly did. Changbin never forgot anything that was related to Hyunjin. The man just felt sad for him to go back to that place, the apartment which didn’t look like a home at all when he first went there. Changbin was concerned for Hyunjin being alone. He knew the younger was better, and there shouldn’t be anything to worry about by now, but he just didn’t like the idea of Hyunjin having to deal with loneliness again, because he himself hated it.

     The car ride was silent for most of the time. It was the first time they were together outside the clinic, and everything happening that day felt so brand new. At some point,  Hyunjin asked Changbin if he could turn the radio on. The older agreed, and so he did. There was no specific music they knew playing, but Hyunjin was moving his head along with the music. Now and then Changbin would look at him when they were at the red light, and sometimes the younger had his eyes closed, just enjoying the sound and the breeze from the open window.

     When Changbin pulled at the parking lot of the building, Hyunjin still had his eyes closed, and was resting his head on the car sit. The older man didn’t know if the other was asleep, so he pondered if he should call him. Changbin didn’t want to disturb or startle him, so for a moment he just observed his soft features. Hyunjin’s shirt had its first buttons open again, and part of his neck and collarbones could be seen. Changbin gulped and tried to not pay attention to that, looking back up at his face.

     “We’re here?”, asked Hyunjin, slightly shifting in his position. Changbin was taken off guard, and cleared his throat as he unplugged his seatbelt.

     “Hum.” Changbin just hummed an answer, so Hyunjin opened his eyes and also proceeded to unplug his own belt.

     They left the car and Changbin helped Hyunjin take his suitcases out of the car and inside the building. Hyunjin, on the other hand, carried his painting and the forget-me-not bouquet Changbin gave to him.

      When Hyunjin opened the apartment’s door, a strange smell hit their nostrils. It had been more than two years since the last time he went there, and though his father’s company seemed to still be paying for the place’s bills, no one was actually taking care of it. Hyunjin scrunched his nose, and Changbin, who was behind him, pretended not to be affected by the smell, once there was no need to make the other embarrassed about it.

     The pair kept their shoes on, and Changbin placed the baggage on the floor. The air had a heavy cloud of dust, and some furniture was covered by a gray layer of it. Hyunjin placed his backpack and painting leaning on the closest wall and the flowers above his suitcase, then travelled the place, opening all the windows. Meanwhile, Changbin looked around, trying to figure out where or how they could start cleaning that mess. Fortunately, Hyunjin didn’t have many belongings there.

     The older heard Hyunjin sigh heavily and curiously followed him to see what it was about. Hyunjin had a vase in his hands with flowers that seemed to be dead for a long time.

     “It’s a shame they were here for so long”, said Hyunjin with a sad expression, and Changbin felt bad for him.

      Looking through the cabinets, Hyunjin found a big trash bag and threw away the dead flowers. Soon after, he came back to the living room with the glass vase washed and full of water. The man took the flowers Changbin had given him that day, and put them inside the vase.

     “I hope you can live better than them”, he said and smiled softly.

     The vase with blue flowers was placed over the kitchen countertop for now, and Hyunjin turned back to talk to the other man that was still standing there watching his every movement like a security guard.

     “Well, as you can see, I’ll have a long mission cleaning this up. But can I offer you something before you go? Some water? I think that’s all I have for now”.

     Hyunjin had his hands on his waist and looked around the room before looking back at the other. Changbin didn’t want to leave just yet. The man had the rest of the day free, once he asked for a day off to pick up Hyunjin from the clinic, so he clicked his tongue and awkwardly massaged his neck.

     “Do you mind if I… stay a little longer?” Changbin had a hopeful look in his eyes while staring at a surprised Hyunjin. 

     “You know, I could help you with this, and… Well, we will finish it quickly if we do this together and-”

     The man was starting to ramble, but fortunately, Hyunjin’s surprised expression turned into a smile, and soon came a giggle.

     “You can stay. I’d like that, actually... If you stay.”

     Changbin stopped his excuse of a speech and slowly nodded. The man tried to hide his contentment, but later when Hyunjin turned around to look for a broom they could use, the older men made a signal of victory with his fist in tiny gestures.

     “Are you coming?”

     Hyunjin was quick to come back and almost caught him mid-action, or so he thought.

     “Yea, sure. What do you need me to do?”

     Hyunjin himself didn’t know where to start, but they figured it out together. A few hours later, they still hadn’t finished scrubbing and polishing the floor and all the dusty places and furniture, but Changbin suggested they take a break to eat. And so he ordered something for the both of them that wouldn’t take too long to arrive and eat before they restarted the work.

     They were sitting side by side in the middle of the living room’s floor, which was already clean, and Changbin couldn’t help but steal a few glances at Hyunjin. Of course, Hyunjin noticed, and would laugh a little every time he caught the other in the act. It wasn’t the first time they had a meal together, but there, in Hyunjin’s apartment, it felt different. Although they were only eating fast food, Changbin could notice how Hyunjin was raised differently from him.

     Watching him, he noticed the younger man clearly still had the manners of someone from a wealthy family who had to learn since his early childhood how to sit and act properly at the table. He was undoubtedly classy, even while eating a burger. One napkin over his lap, and slender fingers holding the food softly as if it was an expensive ceramic piece.

     Sometimes his new fringe would fall over his face, and he would shake his head a little to take it off. Changbin wanted to help him, but didn’t know how to do it without thinking he would make the other uncomfortable with his proximity. Would they even stay close now that Hyunjin was finally free to meet anyone he wanted?

     Changbin missed his long hair. Hyunjin was handsome in any way, even if he was bald, he would look good in Changbin's eyes, but the long black hair always brought back some memories. Maybe it did the same to Hyunjin… and maybe that was the reason why he decided to cut it off. Perhaps he wanted to start again with a new, fresh appearance.

     When everything was coming to an end, the sun was already setting. Hyunjin took the vase of flowers from the kitchen and placed it back beside his window. The last thing they did was set the bedding over the younger’s bed, and Changbin helped him with that. After placing the last pillows, Hyunjin plopped himself sitting on the ground.

     "Gosh, if I wasn't feeling so gross right now, I would go straight to bed", he mumbled and sighed, making Changbin let out a little laugh. The other was cute, even all sweaty.

     "Go take a shower then. I'll figure dinner out."

     "Would you be a sweetie and do that for me, BinBin?", Hyunjin asked. He was pouting and fluttering his eyelashes, teasing the older in some sort of cheesy aegyo.

     “Ya! Don’t do that!” Changbin yelled and threw one of the pillows at him, but agreed anyway. He was more flushed than actually annoyed by the scene.

     Hyunjin got up from his spot on the floor to look through his now organized wardrobe and search for fresh clothes he could wear to stay at home. After that,  he went to the bathroom, and Changbin called him from the front door, saying he would be back soon.

     When Hyunjin left the shower, the older man still hadn't come back. He dried his hair with a fluffy white towel and went back to his wardrobe to get a new set of clothes and towel for his friend. His phone vibrated on the night stand, and when he unlocked the screen, there were two messages from Changbin.

Bini: pasta or lamen

Bini: ?

     The younger laughed at the silly message.

You: Hum, pasta?

Bini: kay. dont know how to cook much stuff

Bini: thats felixs thing

     Hyunjin smiled to his phone. Was Changbin really cooking for him tonight?

You: I'm ok with anything you make 

You: But if you want to eat *lamen… (;

     Changbin visualized but didn't answer the message, maybe too embarrassed to say anything after what Hyunjin implied. 

     When he was back, he noticed the door was still open and there was a familiar scent in the air. In the kitchen, Hyunjin was fresh out of the shower and moved along to the sound of a song playing in his phone. So that was the scent, Hyunjin was again using that so familiar floral perfume he used to. When the younger was at the clinic, he wasn’t allowed to be in contact with any flammable substances, so it had been a long time since Changbin didn’t feel that.

     "I'm back."

     Hyunjin turned around and smiled at him, but then looked surprised with the amount of bags Changbin was holding.

     "Did you buy the whole market?"

     "No... I just thought you might need some groceries for a couple of days."

     Hyunjin thanked him for being so thoughtful, and Changbin started to put the things they would need over the countertop and store some in the fridge. The younger went to his room and came back with the pile of clothes and towel and gave it to the other.

     "I know you said you would make dinner, but I thought you would like to take a shower first."

    Changbin held the collar of his shirt hesitantly.

     "Do I stink?"

     "What? No! I mean, I don't know... Do you want me to...?" Hyunjin gestured to the other, implying if he should try to smell him too, but Changbin was quick to deny it.

     "No! No, okay. I'll take a shower first."

     Changbin gladly took the clothes from Hyunjin’s hands and went to the shower. That would be the first time he would wear the other’s clothes, and he wondered if they would smell like him too.

꧁꧂

     As promised, Changbin made dinner for them. Apparently, pasta was his specialty, once he didn’t have much time to cook for himself or anyone. They ate peacefully, and after cleaning the table and washing the dishes, the man wondered if all of that, the dinner and clothes, meant anything more. Was Hyunjin telling him to stay for the night, or just being nice to him before he sent him home?, he thought.

     “So, Jin… there’s anything else you need?”, the man asked, standing in the middle of the living room. Hyunjin came from the kitchen and put his hand on his hips, looking around the room.

     “Hum, I don’t think so. We can watch a movie together if you’re not sleepy yet.”

       We. Watch a movie. Together. Not sleepy yet. We together.

      The words kept ringing in Changbin’s head. Right, so apparently he was allowed to stay on the other’s sofa for the night. That was actually better than he expected.

     Hyunjin sat on the couch and was choosing a movie for them to watch, while Changbin grabbed some snacks and water bottles he had bought earlier. They had made a good job vacuuming the couch, because it wasn’t dusty anymore. They were a good team.

     Changbin sat beside Hyunjin, and the younger leaned comfortably on his shoulder. The man looked at the other leaning by his side and smile, before looking back at the television.  They were going to watch a foreign movie in English, but Hyunjin put on Korean subtitles, so the other man could understand everything.

      While they watched the movie, the duo made a few comments about the characters, and laughed a little, noticing some big cultural differences between their countries. Changbin sometimes caressed the younger’s now short hair, and he responded with a sighed in appreciation. Changbin enjoyed being in the other’s company, e he liked even more that Hyunjin also seemed to be enjoying his. Barely did he knew, but that was the most comfortable the younger had ever felt in his entire life. Right there, leaning on Changbin’s shoulder, was where he felt the most like home in those 23 years.

     There was no pressure, no coldness or indifference, and no pretending, differently from the Hwang household. Changbin was warm in a good way, and he didn’t burn. He provided him with comfort, confidence, and something that Hyunjin couldn’t quite name yet. Something that made him feel like one blank space inside him was being filled day by day. At that moment, Changbin was being himself and Hyunjin could finally be himself too beside him. He was free to talk and give his opinion, to laugh, and maybe even… to love.

     Hyunjin had been yawning for some time when the movie was over. He got up and stretched before going to the bathroom and coming back with a toothbrush in his mouth and a new spare one in his hand.

     “Here. I always keep more than one, so you can use it.”

     They both brushed their teeth and Hyunjin started to turn off the lights in the apartment. Changbin was sitting awkwardly on the couch, waiting for Hyunjin to say goodnight to him when he passed back to his room, but it never happened. Instead, Hyunjin turned the living room light back on and stared at him with a confused frown.

     “What are you doing?”

     Changbin massaged his nape, still feeling a little awkward.

     “Do you… want me to leave?”

     “What? No. I mean, what are you doing sitting there? Let’s go to bed.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, then went back to his room, leaving a dumbfounded Changbin behind.

     “Don’t forget the lights.”

     When Changbin got to the room, Hyunjin was already lying on his back under the covers. He had his phone in hand and didn’t say anything when he saw the other closing the door. Changbin took off his jacket, or rather Hyunjin’s jacket that he was wearing, and folded it before placing it at the end of the bed.

     “I don’t usually wear this to sleep…”, he explained.

     Hyunjin just nodded to show the other he was listening. Changbin then went to the light switch direction to turn off the lights, then walked back to the bed to lay down beside Hyunjin. For some reason, he thought it would have been better to stay in the couch.

     The only light they had was from Hyunjin’s phone, until he blocked the screen and placed it on the nightstand.

     “Good night.”

     “Good night, Bin.”

     The room was quiet and pitch black at first, when their eyes still hadn’t adjusted to the darkness. Changbin folded his arms over his chest and closed his eyes, in an attempt to sleep. He heard shifting, but kept his eyes closed, trying to think of anything other than Hyunjin breathing peacefully right beside him.

     After some time, he was almost successful on his task. Spending the whole afternoon cleaning the apartment, they were clearly both tired. Changbin was drifting off to dreamland when he felt something on his forehead, and then trace his nose, until it ghosted over his chin, and back to his lips. Was he dreaming?

     The man opened his eyes, and now it wasn’t so dark anymore. He could perfectly see the slender fingers over his face. Changbin followed the hand and arm with his sight, and saw it belonged to Hyunjin. The man was lying on his side, one hand under his head on the pillow and the other now close to Changbin’s ear.

     Changbin observed him, and his eyes seemed to glow in the dark like two little stars in the night sky. Hyunjin started to caress the other man’s cheek, and for a moment Changbin closed his eyes again to enjoy the feeling. It’s been a while. Actually, it’s been a long time since he last dreamed about Hyunjin. The man sighed before opening his eyes again and looking back at the other one.

     “Is this a dream?” He asked, barely a whisper.

     “Do I look like a dream to you?”, the other answered as softly.

     “Yes…”

     Hyunjin smiled in the dark. He then pulled the other man closer, making him lie on his side too, facing him. It felt real, but Changbin still wasn’t sure if that was reality or part of his subconscious playing him a trick, so he just let Hyunjin act as he pleased.

     “Was it like this when you used to dream about me?”, the younger seemed to be curious.

     “No… You were mostly distant, lost…”

     “What else?”

     “You were never sweet like this.” Changbin took Hyunjin’s hand that was on his cheek and kissed softly on his palm. “I like it.”

     “I like you, Bin.” Now Hyunjin sighed and turned again on his back. He was looking at the ceiling. “Could you believe that? A cop and… me?”

     “It this really not a dream?” Changbin was still confused.

     “Do you need more proof?”

     Hyunjin looked back at the older man, then slowly leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. They were closer than Changbin could remember they had ever been. Hyunjin’s eyes looked calm, and his breathing ghosted over the other man’s lips. His hands were holding Changbin’s head in place.

     “The Hyunjin in your dreams wouldn’t know that you get flushed when I hold your face like this, or that you don’t like me to skip meals…” Hyunjin moisturized his lips.

     “He wouldn’t know you like I do, Bin… So you better forget about him, because I don’t like competition, okay?”

     Changbin slowly nodded as in reflex.

     “Good.”

     Hyunjin finally leaned forward and touched their lips, waiting for Changbin to reciprocate. The older man closed his eyes and kissed him back, hand moving to hold on the junction of his jaw and neck. Hyunjin’s lips felt as smooth and warm as they looked, and now Changbin could tell the difference from the dream and reality. In his dreams, something always felt wrong, out of place, but not now. Now it felt right. Hyunjin was there wholeheartedly, and there was no sin in what they were doing.

     After some time, they needed air. As long as Changbin thought he could fill his lungs with only Hyunjin, they had to breathe. Hyunjin opened his eyes, and the other man was already looking at him lovingly. They smiled at each other, and Changbin circled his arms around the other man, involving him in a tight embrace. He took Hyunjin’s fringe out of his face, making him laugh a little, then pressed a chaste kiss on the mole right under his left eye.

     “You know, I always wanted to do this. This little mole is too cute.”

     Hyunjin smiled back at him, and Changbin started to brush his fingers through his hair, before opening his mouth again to speak.

     “And I know you might have figured out by now, but I think it’s not too late to say that I’m in love with you... At first, I thought I was going crazy, and maybe I was…” The man frowned at the thought of how he was acting back in those days when he was completely obsessed about someone he barely knew.

     “But then I met you, the real Hyunjin, and you made me realize that you were way different from what I thought, you know? But better. Somehow, I always knew you couldn’t be a bad person, Hyunjin.”

     Hyunjin nodded once in a while to what Changbin was saying, but he was tired of hearing about his past. That was something the man wanted to forget if he could, but once he couldn’t, at least he  would like to not mention that for a long time. So he pressed his thumb to Changbin’s lips.

     “This is beautiful, Bin. But I think you’re talking too much.”

     Changbin laughed, then kissed Hyunjin’s finger. “As I was saying… you were different, but your straightforwardness is still the same.”

     “Just shut up and kiss me, Seo Changbin.”

     They both laughed, and Hyunjin kissed him again. He kissed Changbin like he meant it, like he had been in a desert for a long time and the other man was the only thing that could extinguish his thirst. And Changbin was glad to provide him with what he needed. Apparently that would be another night the police officer wouldn’t be able to sleep, now because of Hwang Hyunjin.

꧁꧂

     In the morning, Changbin woke up to the sound of paper rustling beside him. When his sight adjusted to the light, he saw Hyunjin was sitting closs-legged beside him with the painting he had brought from the clinic on his lap.

     “Good morning, Bin.” Hyunjin was smiling, and he seemed to be more excited about this morning than the last one when he left the clinic.

     “Good morning, handsome.”

     Changbin patted the other man’s knee, then sat up on the bed. On the other hand, Hyunjin put the painting on the bed and greeted him with a peck. Even if he didn’t, Changbin was already too happy that he was able to wake up beside him.

     “I have a gift for you”, the younger said.

     “For me?”

     Hyunjin just nodded, and gave him the painting, so he could open it. Changbin carefully took off the kraft paper, and was surprised to see it was a portrait. Better than that, it was a portrait of himself. Hyunjin had drawn him in a mix of yellow, orange and white oil paint, and he looked very much like the sun.

     While he admired the beautiful painting, the man felt his eyes starting to tear up, and bit his lip to prevent the tears from falling. Hyunjin sat beside him and caressed his hand that was holding the frame.

     “ It’s called ‘Heater’. Because you give me the warmth I need, but you don’t hurt me, Bin. ”

     After The younger’s words, Changbin couldn’t stand to hold the tears anymore, so he let them flow freely. The man set the painting on the bed, then hugged Hyunjin tightly.

     “Thank you, Jinnie… Thank you for letting me love you.”

꧁꧂

     In those two years, Changbin discovered a person that was not just Hyunjin who loves to dance, he is way more than that. He is Hyunjin who loves delicate arts, and shows his love through the art. Hyunjin likes flowers and the scent they leave in his apartment. He has insecurities, and is bold enough to try to overcome them. Hyunjin was more than just a vision or a ghost from his dreams. He was more than a flaming lust. Hyunjin was: cuddling on the couch, sharing secrets at two a.m., and good morning kisses.

     Changbin was the only one who knew about this side of him, and it only made all of this more special.

     Both men knew that in the future yet to come they would have to deal with other problems. Hyunjin’s family, Changbin’s friends and coworkers, their own country not accepting the way they were born to love and be loved. But they would figure it out.

     They had a spark, then the fire that seemed to turn everything into ashes, but like a phoenix this love revived and will never let the heat die again.

꧁꧂

Author's Note: Hello, people!! How are you?
I really hope you guys enjoyed reading it, and like how the story ended for Changbin and Hyunjin. I want to thank everyone who read Play with fire and now Heater.  

I plan to finish a Chanlix, and start Jeongin's coming of age side stories too, but I don't know when It'll be ready. But I hope to see you guys soon!

- Tnauticalmiles

*There's a reference in this chapter to "lamen". "라면 먹고 갈래?" or "Do you want to eat lamen?" is a common way like "netflix and chill" used in Korea to ask someone to go to your house and do the deed.