난로 마냥 거리를 두려 하니까. 그러다 터져버린 거야

"Like a heater, I tried to put some distance. But then I exploded."

꧁꧂

꧁Hyunjin's First Letter꧂

Hello, Changbin.

I did read your letter. And yes, I have many questions.

For starters, I wonder why you expected me to shatter these sincere words that you sent to me into pieces. As you noticed, I might be in such a place, but don’t take me for a psychopath, because that’s something I am not. I do have emotions, and I am well aware of my condition now, so I would be glad if you didn’t address me in that way anymore.

Second, living in the 21st century, isn't it a little old-fashioned to send a letter? I am not judging your choice, just curious. I like it this way, it's simple and meaningful.

As for that day, yes, I remember. Most parts are just blurred, yet I remember you calling me a ‘real me’. I don’t understand what was or is your point by saying that. I have always been the real me to anyone.

Although, as odd as it might be, I wouldn’t be able to put it into words, but I know you are not a complete stranger… Maybe someone from a past life? 

If this is some part of your insanity, I might not be as far from it, either. But why am I the only one writing it from a room with blank walls?

Anyway, I apologize if my words are not as gracious, so don’t take it to heart. And regardless, I’d like to say I appreciate yours. I am curious to know why you describe me, from all the people a stranger, as the reason for so many changes in your life. It sounds like an interesting topic.  

I hope to hear from you soon, Seo Changbin, who I don’t know yet.

Hwang Hyunjin.

꧁꧂

     The police officer got home late, again. He had been working more at the police station to avoid staying alone in his house. Felix and Chan also invited him to go out that day with them, but he knew he would only be in the middle of the two if he went. So he made his way to his place, as usual.

     This time, when he opened the door, Changbin didn’t say anything. He knew there was no one to answer him, and it was no use to keep pretending he had someone waiting for him. The man the light switch, and was about to take off his shoes when he noticed the mail on the floor close to the door.

     Changbin looked through the mail and saw nothing different. The same bills and correspondence related to his work. But one smaller white envelope called his attention with a handwriting that looked more like calligraphy. It was a little difficult to read at first, but close to the light he could see it read:

Hwang Hyunjin.

     Turning the white envelope around and back again, Changbin opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no words came out. The man closed the door behind himself, then slowly walked in the direction of the dining table, where he left his belongings and the rest of the mail. The only thing left in his hands was the white envelope, that seemed to glow, standing out from the others.

     In Changbin's mind, Hyunjin would never send him an answer, and that was the only reason why he sent that as a farewell message to the younger. But he was wrong. Changbin was incredibly wrong, and now he was afraid to open said envelope and find out what kind of words Hyunjin had to share with him.

     “ Hello, Changbin. ”

     The man pulled a chair, still in the middle of the kitchen, and started to read. Just the first lines made him regret some life decisions and almost want to hide under the table. Changbin took a deep breath and kept reading until his eyes widened in surprise. “What the- ! He probably hates me by now, and thinks I called him a psycho… Good job, Changbin. Good ing job.”

     Now the man was standing, with both hands on his nape, while groaning loudly. He left the letter still half unread over the table and went to the bathroom to throw some cold water on his face. Changbin opened the silver faucet and gathered some water on his hands before splashing it over his face a few times. The water fell through his neck and chest, leaving his shirt soaked. He stopped the running water, and stared at his reflection in the mirror, then closed his eyes for a moment, letting another deep breath out through his nose. 

     There was no use in being embarrassed right now. Hyunjin already read and answered his letter anyway, though Changbin couldn’t help but feel frustrated with himself. If he made Hyunjin hate him, he would have to deal with the consequences of it. So he decided to just end it rather sooner than later. The man took off his wet shirt and put it in the laundry basket, then walked back to the kitchen to take the letter. This time, he decided to sit on his bed to read it.

     “ Second, living in the 21st century, isn't it a little old-fashioned to send a letter?”

     Reading the following words, Changbin thought that maybe Hyunjin wasn’t furious at him after all, but instead the other took him for a silly, old man. Still, he said he liked it, so it seemed like a good signal. Leaning on the headboard of his bed, the man finished reading the letter, but was still confused with the words, so he had to go through it again. At first, Hyunjin seemed to be offended by Changbin’s words, but then he started to share a little of his mind with him, and even asked about his thoughts too.

     At the end, Hyunjin apologized for his words and said he wanted Changbin to answer him soon. He could barely believe his eyes were really reading that. So, finally, at the third time he finished following every single word, Changbin smiled. It was a little smile, barely appearing in the corner of his mouth, but it was there, and it had a glimpse of hope.

     “ I hope to hear from you soon, Seo Changbin, who I don’t know yet, ” he repeated out loud, “ Hwang Hyunjin ”.

     In the next morning, Changbin decided he would write his answer to Hyunjin in that same day. The first thing he needed to do was apologize to the younger for misinterpreting his words, after all, Changbin never meant to say Hyunjin had no feelings or that he was a cold person. He really just didn’t believe the other would want anything with him, a stranger who tried to arrest him in the first and only time they met in person.

    That night, Changbin sat on his desk after taking a shower. His damp hair was still dropping on the tower wrapped around his neck, but he didn’t mind. The man started to think about how to answer Hyunjin’s questions without sounding like a lunatic, before he picked up some paper and a pen. As the last time, he tried to start it a few times, but ended up just letting his mind and heart flow open on the lines.

“ Hyunjin, I’m sorry. ”

꧁꧂

꧁Changbin's Second Letter꧂

Hyunjin,

I’m sorry.

I want to apologize for making you feel like I don’t take you for a person who has feelings. Of course you do, I know that, and that’s really not what I meant. I just didn’t think I was deserving of you wasting your time on me. So, again, I’m sorry.

Right now, I don’t really know how to act after discovering that you read everything I wrote. That was way too personal, and I can’t help but feel a little ashamed for everything I said. I also didn’t expect you to answer me, and now that you did, I feel like I shouldn’t have said some of those things. Some embarrassing things that I would rather stay forever a mystery if you ever found out. You see, I’m not the best in this field.

You asked me why I called you the ‘real you’, and I know it only makes sense to me. Once you’re curious, I will just say that it’s because I once met a different version of you. It was still you, but it wasn’t the real Hyunjin. And I know that because the connection I had with that Hyunjin unfortunately is gone now… Maybe it was gone the moment I met you, the real one and only Hwang Hyunjin.

It’s hard to tell you about the effect that person I once knew and who looked exactly like you had on me. If I did, I would have to start this story way before it, two year ago, or maybe even five years. Actually, if I told you everything that happened to me in the past months, even years, you would certainly call me crazy. Besides, it would turn out more like an essay than a letter, and I don’t want to take your time.

I don’t know if I believe in past lives, but if there was really a possibility of a past life where you knew me there, I wish it was real… And I don’t think I’m any better than you, either. Sometimes I still don’t trust my sanity and, for many times, I really thought I would end up in your place. 

Please, don’t take me for a weird person. I’m a simple man who has a normal life, a normal job, and some unhealed wounds. And I thought you might need some company. Although I have good friends, I’ve been lonely for a long time, and it put me in a cold and dark place.

I hope you never stay in the dark.

Changbin.

꧁꧂

     Hyunjin was quiet in his room. The place used to be overtaken by emptiness, until more and more canvas started to be placed everywhere. The young man took a step back and stared at the frame in front of him. The warm colors of orange and red oil paint seemed to blend well together, but it didn’t have the same effect he wanted to. It didn’t provide him the warmth inside he longed for.

     A light knock on the door distracted him from the painting, making him turn his head to where the sound came. A short looking woman dressed in light colors opened the door just slightly to look inside.

     “Good morning, Hyunjin. I have something for you.”

     Hyunjin went to the door to meet her, and the woman gave him an envelope before bowing and saying goodbye. The man just nodded to her while holding the door handle, then closed the door to have more privacy. He didn’t need to read the name on the paper to know who it was from, once no one else sent him letters or even contacted him in that place, besides his lawyer, of course. But it had to be him. It must be Seo Changbin.

     The man walked back to the place he was earlier and sat in a stool before his painting. Calmly, he opened the envelope and unfolded the paper that was inside. Reading the first paragraph, Hyunjin let a shameless laugh pass through his lips, then covered his mouth with one hand. “He really took that seriously.”

     Before he could restart to read, Hyunjin got up, taking the stool, and went to the desk set by the wall. He took some art supplies and paint out of the way, and placed a yellowish sheet of paper in the middle. A fountain pen was already waiting for him nearby, in a pile of different types of pencils.

     He started to read again and, meanwhile he read, Hyunjin wrote his own letter in response to Changbin’s. Through the letter, Hyunjin noticed the other seemed to regret contacting him, and it somehow made him feel a bitter aftertaste in his tongue. Changbin wrote him many words, but didn’t actually explain to him what he was curious about: that other Hyunjin he said he knew. The older was just rambling, again.

     At the end of the letter, the young man felt a weird sensation somewhere deep inside him. The older was talking about something that made him remind of his most recent loss. Changbin talked about cold and darkness.

     Hyunjin never liked the cold, on the contrary, he loved the warmth, the flames and the Fire. He had so much adoration for such entity he considered his only and best friend, but it also ended up just hurting him, like everyone else he knew. Hyunjin feared the cold, and now the fire heat wouldn’t protect him from it either.

     Soon the last mark of ink was made on the page. Hyunjin folded the sheet of paper and placed it inside a small drawer under the desk. It was Friday, so he would have to wait for Monday morning to give it to the same nurse who brought him the mail, when she came to check on him. Hyunjin didn’t mind the wait. Meanwhile, he could read a book or try to figure out something else to occupy his time. In the prior month, he discovered he enjoyed drawing.

     It all started when one psychologist from the team who was treating him introduced Hyunjin to charcoal drawing. She said it could be good to him along with his treatment, and so he tried. The man was never one to pay attention to the visual arts, because his real passion was the dance. The music, a close acquaintance. But the visual arts were a whole new experience to him.

     Hyunjin started with charcoal drawing, and it was familiar to him. The charcoal reminded him of ember and ashes, that consequently reminded him of the Fire. After some time, he tried something new, watercolor. Painting with watercolor was completely different from the beginning, but the way the colors flowed so smoothly on the paper made him recall his dance moves. And in the end, Hyunjin liked the watercolor more than charcoal. At last, he was introduced to oil painting, and now he was testing colors, testing shapes, and trying to familiarize with the new sensation of the brush on canvas.

     The man read one last time what Changbin had sent him, then folded it back and placed it in the drawer together with the other two. He got up from the desk and took off the painting that was on his easel, then replaced it with a new white canvas. He proceeded to apply and mix paint on his palette, then started a new painting.

꧁꧂

꧁Hyunjin's Second Letter꧂

Changbin, 

you are really something.

I told you not to take it to heart, and I accept your apologies.

It might not be of your knowledge, but the thing I have the most in this place is time. Time to think, time to read, time to write. And even more time to think about the time I still have. Anything you wrote me could be worth a book length and I still would have time left.

Tell me more about this Hyunjin you once knew. What kind of ‘connection’ you had? I want to know about him. 

And I want to know about you. Why you don’t believe in past lives?

For me, I don’t believe existence would be so unfair to make this miserable one my only life. It can’t be possible. In one of my past lives, I believe I had a taste of happiness. I can sense it sometimes when I feel this so slight touch on my hand. It’s a feeling that comes from nowhere and makes me long for something I can’t quite tell. It’s a mystery.

Perhaps in my next life I wish I can achieve it, happiness. That’s what I believe.

I am not acquainted with this cold and dark place you talked about. Could you tell me more about it?

Every time I was in the dark, I had light with me, I had warmth… so I was never afraid of the dark. And I used to have a good friend. 

Now I don’t have my light anymore. Do you think I could end up in this place you have been? Do you think this cold might consume me? I’ve never liked the cold. This is one of the things I hate the most.

I’ll be waiting for your essay on my desk.

The real one and only,

Hyunjin.

꧁꧂

     Weeks passed, even months, and the two men kept exchanging letters. Some were just simple information about each other, thoughts about general facts or small talk about their week, but others felt like deep confessions about themselves, secrets no one had ever heard or read.

     With time, Hyunjin got to open up a little about his feelings, his fears and new-found insecurities. Before, the man had never once felt insecure about his body. Everyone admired the handsome only son of the Hwang household, who besides being part of a billionaire family, was flawless in every single angle you looked. Of course, that was only the image people could picture from his outside. On the inside, he always had many scars, but now, Hyunjin also carried some that could be seen by anyone.

     Changbin, on the other hand, was an open book. The words flowed easily out of him and into the paper like his life was a tale he wanted to tell only to Hyunjin. Through their conversations, little by little he got to know more about the other, and could feel the younger seemed to grow some trust in him. 

     Hyunjin had many more facets than he could have imagined. He had humor. The younger liked to play with Changbin’s heart beats, pretending he was mad at him, just to laugh it off and tell the older he was just joking. Hyunjin had a beautiful handwriting, and he would always finish his letters with a different comment or signature. He was curious about simple things, like the life outside a rich family’s bubble, and why Changbin didn’t believe in past lives but believed in destiny.

     Even from a distance, they grew a peculiar kind of companionship in their shared words. At some point, Hyunjin lowered his formalities, and Changbin noticed. He also noticed the other would be informal with him, but never called him “ hyung ”. At first, the older thought it was strange, but he didn’t mind. He liked it better when Hyunjin called him by his name, or just called him Bin .

     Almost five months after they first started exchanging letters, Hyunjin woke up one day feeling like something was missing. On the paper they seemed to be close friends, or at least pen-pals, and Changbin clearly had an adoration for the younger, but he never once mentioned visiting him.

     Hyunjin had to live in the clinic for the time his treatment was ongoing, it was even in his judicial sentence, but Changbin was free to go around whenever and wherever he wanted. The thought of being unwanted, or that Changbin might only mean to be his friend from a distance made Hyunjin’s insides turn a little. What he didn’t take to count was that he himself was the one who first said he liked it as it was, with them communicating through letters.

     That day, Hyunjin decided to take a chance and write his last letter to Changbin. If the older wanted, he could take that as an ultimatum, but Hyunjin didn’t feel as he could keep on being friends with Changbin if he didn’t mean to accept him for complete.  

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꧁Hyunjin's Last Letter꧂

Dear Changbin,

The past months seemed to pass real quickly, right?

It was like yesterday when you told me about those dreams you used to have with that ghost of me, saying they were just normal dreams. I pretended to believe, but don’t think I don’t know they were wet dreams. You’re a complete ert, but I forgive you.

You probably won't get the sarcasm in what I said, so here I explain: I am kidding. So don’t take it to heart. Actually, thinking about it, it was… interesting.

You told me a huge amount of information about your life in this time, and I still can’t share as much of mine, but I appreciate what you did. And I look forward to one day be able to become a more open person like you.

Turns out I got to know more about your thoughts than I ever knew about any of my relatives. Now I feel like I can be comfortable talking to you, around you, and I hope it is a  mutual feeling. 

Today I took some of my endless free time to think, and thinking made me gloomy. Thinking made me go around all the words we shared all along and wonder why you never came to visit me? I am always at the same place, for the same amount of time, which is every day, all the time.

This short question turned gloomy into upset, and I don’t want the upset to become hurt. So this is the last letter I will send you. I hope you can understand what I mean with it, and if you choose to stay distant from me, I won’t blame you.

You know my address. I’ll be waiting for you,  

Jin.

꧁꧂

Author's Note: Hello, people!!
We finally have Hyunjin's letter (and some others). I hope it could fulfill your curiosity and expectations after the end of "Play with fire", maybe.
The second part will start with Changbin's decision from this turning point.
Thank you for reading!!

-Tnauticalmiles