EPILOGUE: AND STRANGERS AGAIN.

 

 

[ now playing: urs by niki]

 

 

After Seven Years, Present: Recollection.

 

 

 

“It was like she had just stopped caring, stopped doing the things that I loved about her, pero hindi niya sinabi sa akin kung bakit. It was like the care she had for me was on a trial card, na hindi ko alam kung kailan tumigil; or I was just too blind to notice that her love for me had ended.” Sagot mo sa therapist in your nth session, and you feel the routine getting absorbed by your system as you sit upon this couch for the nth time.

 

 

 

“So it was eight years, eight long years that you were with her… if you were having realizations upon the fifth year, why didn’t you end everything there, Irene?” tanong nung therapist, and you sigh as you clasp your fingers, noticing it shaking slightly, something that you had never gotten rid of whenever you think about the things that had happened.

 

 

 

“Because deep inside I thought that if I stayed then everything would be alright. I was being selfish for myself, because I knew that I was happy when I was with her, that I thought for the seven, eight years that I was with her, enough na yung love para sa pain and fear na nasa puso ko—because that was love for me, that was how I love others.” Sagot mo, and the therapist smiles as she puts a hand above yours, hopefully stopping the shaking, and that was when the waterworks started; that was when your tears finally rushed through.

 

 

 

“But from the things I’ve been hearing from you, Irene… you don’t exactly know how to love yourself.” She said, and it was as if she had pulled out a sword you didn’t know was stabbed upon you, and it hurt so much—but you know full well that it is for the best.

 

 

 

Everything that you had been doing, your efforts to remove the eight year routine from your system, to remove her from your system had been such little steps one at a time, and you feel like you haven’t reached anything groundbreaking, because at times… you miss the feeling.

 

 

 

Not the person, but the feeling. The feeling of being happy, and it’s as if you could almost be sure that your heart would be fine with all the pain and the fears again—almost. Alam mo sa sarili mong hindi mo na siya hahayaang bumalik at sirain uli ang buhay mo, dahil kahit na naging masaya ka, alam mong never magiging masaya ang puso mo; not like the peace that you have today, away from her.

 

 

 

“It… It was like I was so obsessed with making others feel okay… making her feel okay, even, that in those years I was alright with destroying myself over and over again just so I could fit this image she wanted me to have, someone who is always there for her, yung taong kayang talikuran ang lahat para sa kanya… and for a long time, I strongly believed that I was that person.” You said, sighing as the therapist leaned back, letting you speak even more, something that you had always appreciated that she’s doing in these therapy sessions that you had been having for a while.

 

 

 

“You know, Irene… I think you were right. It wasn’t love that caused you to stay; what you two had wasn’t love, but the familiarity to each other. Nasanay kayong nandyan kayo para sa isa’t isa, to the point na baka nasanay na siyang nandyan ka and that you would never leave—which was probably the reason why she was begging you not to leave, because to lose you was so hard for her.” Sagot ng therapist, and you find yourself nodding at that, something that you had thought for the past few months of being away from her, even though it was hard.

 

 

 

“But you had grown tired of the things that were happening; and even if it took you eight years, almost a decade to realize that she wasn’t exactly fighting with you, I’d like to think that you did the right thing, kasi mahirap kapag nauubos yung sarili mo.” The therapist adds on that, and you find yourself letting those tears fall, na parang hinding hindi mauubos kahit na ang tagal mo nang umiiyak.

 

 

 

“The familiarity would stick for a very long time, along with the trauma and you may find yourself scared to experience love again, but that’s alright. And I do not believe that time heals; it only buries the pain that is present, and that pain would stay there, waiting to be released again until there comes a time that it would be unleashed; so I appreciate that you’re here, talking about these things, because that is what would help you heal, not bottling up everything and waiting for it to blow over.” Sagot niya and you nod at that, slowly realizing that your hands are no longer shaking—little by little, it stops, until there isn’t anything else.

 

 

 

“Because it’s better that you escaped while you still had some pieces left in yourself that you could use to fix yourself rather than you get nothing left; mas mahirap magsimula na walang natira sa’yo, not even the love you have for yourself could have saved you if you didn’t get out of that place you were confining yourself in.”

 

 

 

You sigh as you walk out towards the park, finding yourself in the same place you had gone in eight years ago; in that night, the swings, the place you had gone with her after the chaotic club, and it is as if you could see the two of you laughing there like it was some distant memory; covered by the things that happened, covered by all those bad memories, and partly because you have not visited the place that started it all in eight years.

 

 

 

Parang kahapon lang na nandito ka, listening to your best friend’s whim of you going onto that double date with the Lisa Xavier who you heard na ikinasal na sa college friend mong si Jennie; hindi ka nakapunta because of… well, because of Seulgi. It’s like you had missed out… on a lot.

 

 

 

Napabuntong hininga ka na lamang at umupo sa isang swing, realizing that it is the same swing you sat on years ago, and you could even imagine Seulgi sitting beside you; the woman smiling at you with those bear like smile, the smile that you had fallen in love with, the smile that had stayed for most of the years… until it had faded into only frowns.

 

 

 

You’re proud of yourself, at least; dahil inexpect mo sa sarili mo na you’d be back with her in a heartbeat because you miss the feeling of being with her and not the person itself, but you’ve been willing yourself not to turn back, not to plunge yourself in that madness again dahil hindi mo ata kakayanin ng pangalawang beses; and now you realize that the feeling of wanting is gone, that you like yourself when you’re alone and happy at the moment, rather than the version of yourself that you’re still trying to erase.

 

 

 

Nasanay ka eh. Nasanay kang nandiyan, nasanay kang bulag sa sakit, but that doesn’t mean that you should live that way; that is bad, even for you that had been dubbed as a masochist, someone who liked herself getting hurt; and that is something that you had been trying to change, dahil sa totoo lang ay nasanay ka na sa sakit at takot na namalagi sa puso mo ng matagal na panahon na sobrang naninibago ka nung nawala na iyon sa puso mo.

 

 

 

But for you, this is the peace that your heart was unconsciously looking for; and you’re sure that happiness would soon come, because now… now, you feel that you’re okay.

 

 

 

I loved you so much, but that was before we fell. After the chaos—your chaos, I achieved the true peace that I didn’t know I was craving.

 

 

 

Thank you, Seulgi. Even if you’ve hurt me over and over, more times than I could count, I thank you because I was happy with you, even if it was a happiness that I knew was false, because of the pain that came with it.

 

 

 

I loved you; but I don’t, not anymore.

 

 

 

Because I love myself more—and that’s what I’m desperately trying to do, because I know that I could love myself better away from you.

 

 

 

I don’t think I would be able to forgive you, Seulgi, because the trauma you gave would be tattooed in every part of me—but I would just want to forget.

 

 

 

Thank you, Seulgi. For the last time, paalam… my former lover, now only a stranger.

 

 

 

[Before We Fell – End.]