PART 3: FROM FRIENDS INTO LOVERS,

 

 

 

[now playing: spell by niki]

 

 

 

Five Years Ago: Storms.

 

 

 

 

“Mahal!” natatawa mong sabi habang inalalayan mo siya papunta sa kama, and upon getting closer you could instantly smell the familiar scent of alcohol, and you sigh as she had been drunk for the nth time this week. Alam mong stressed na stressed siya upon continuing to pursue her dream, her med school, pero bakit parang grabe naman ang ginagawa niyang ito?

 

 

 

“Hi… I’m sleepy.” She says, and you sigh as you nod at that, letting her lie down upon the bed you both shared while you slowly change her clothes, making you laugh once or twice as she clung onto you like the sleepy bear that she is, and you figure out that she wouldn’t even remember all of this in the morning, so you kiss her forehead and lay down with her, those antics and her hugging you tight making you burst into laughter yet again.

 

 

 

“Is my love stressed?” tanong mo, but you are only answered by the wind and silence, for the woman that you love the most in the world is already sleeping so peacefully in your arms, and normally you would smile and be happy that she is here, pero ngayon bakit parang nag-iba na yung pakiramdam mo?

 

 

 

You feel scared, because even if you feel reassured that she’s here with you, you feel like she could go anywhere, you feel like you could lose her in the littlest of things; kaya hindi mo rin siya masaway sa palagian niyang pag-inom, because you feel like you would be pushing her away from you, at sobrang takot kang mawala ang babaeng nagmahal sayo in the past years, because with her… you feel happy.

 

 

 

And so you watch her sleep as you still do not feel sleepy because you had waited for her for hours, watching as her shoulders rose up and down gently while she breathed contently while in your arms, even moving slightly to hug you tight, as if it was already clockwork and so natural for her to hug you silently while she’s asleep; a habit she had formed upon living with you for a while now.

 

 

 

You remember that it had been four years since she asked you to move in with her, for you know that it is Seulgi Ford; the woman who takes very big steps, dahil nung first date niyo nga dapat ay mag Subic kayo, but this time it’s different; deep down inside, you know why she asked you to move in when it was just a year na sinagot mo siya, and you two were still getting to know each other dahil hindi na nga siya nanligaw at dumiretso na sa pagiging kayo; it was your best friend, Wendy, who was the reason, and you know that so well.

 

 

 

You know that Seulgi thinks a little bad about Wendy, na parang galit daw si Wendy sa kanya (maybe because of the first date, pero parang narinig mo noon kay Wendy na parang Seulgi gives off bad vibes to her), and you assured her over and over again that Wendy wasn’t angry or anything and she is just protective because you were already a sister for her, and it came to the fact that she even saw Joy to be angry at her because she was Wendy’s girlfriend.

 

 

 

You said over and over that they weren’t, and over and over she didn’t listen to you, hanggang sa hinayaan mo na lamang siya dahil natatakot kang baka mag-away nanaman kayo, and it would be the days of cold shoulders and pretending not to know each other until it was either of you who reached out to the other, the problem getting pushed off the plate, and this happened over and over again until she asked you to move in with her, and you did.

 

 

 

And without her always seeing Wendy sa shared dormitory niyo, with you practically cutting off your best friend of almost ten years in your life you had found peace; dahil sabi niya, pinili mo siya this time, dahil naniwala ka sa sinasabi niya, and for once you felt na pinagtatanggol mo sila lagi, na parang sila Wendy lagi ang kinakampihan mo, not Seulgi, your girlfriend.

 

 

 

Girlfriend…. That sounds so nice.

 

 

 

You had gotten to know Seulgi in the four years that you had lived with her, and not once did you leave, because you promised yourself that you wouldn’t. How can you leave someone who had always given you happiness, even if the cost is greater?

 

 

 

What is the cost, really? You had gotten to know that Seulgi had been quite… quite explosive at times, where she gets angry in the most random of moments and you feel as if you had been contently and used to living upon a minefield at times, na kahit isang step mo lamang na mali ay pwedeng sumabog ito; pero hindi mo inalintana iyon, dahil alam mo sa sarili mong mahal mo siya; and you made yourself a promise that you would stay with her, stay through the storms that she had in her life, dahil ganun mo siya kamahal.

 

 

 

You also quicky learned that she is quite distanced from her family at mas gusto pa niyang sumama sa pamilya mo dahil in her words, mas mabait ang pamilya mo, although you two are not legal to them even after these years because you two are afraid of getting cast out, although there are times that you almost got caught kissing her in your former room at your family’s home.

 

 

 

It was all routine; kapag pumupunta ka sa pamilya mo, ang pakilala mo kay Seulgi ay best friend and a dancer friend that you knew from college; kapag sa pamilya ni Seulgi kayo pupunta, ang pakilala sa’yo ay roommate; and you had accepted that because aside from the both of your parents, everyone else knew about your relationship, about how much you love her so much.

 

 

 

And you had accepted that, because with her comes the inspiration; two years in and you had published an award winning book, Loving Her, raking in millions that you supported her in the things that she had wanted to do, earning enough for you to just stay at home and wait for another inspiration to strike, pero it had been three years and you still haven’t let out another award winning book except some collections of poems you had made in your past time, keeping you alive.

 

 

 

But as the years went by, you feel that Seulgi had been closing herself little by little kahit sa’yo at sa lahat, and you feel as if she’s detaching herself from everyone and you don’t even understand her at all for the three years that you had lived with her; it’s as if roommates nalang talaga kayo, but when you ask her she’ll assure you with the same thing, na girlfriend ka niya, na ikaw lang.

 

 

 

And you’ve lived with that for three years, now going fourth, because you love her so much that you’re enough with the things she’s doing even if Wendy always tells you it’s the bare minimum, na parang ang liit ng ginagawa niyang effort sayo, naging okay lang sa’yo iyon.

 

 

 

Even if the red lights are flashing intensely you are still choosing to stay, because you know that this will just pass; na mawawala din to, na this would just be an obstacle that you would both get over like a hurdle in a race, because you know that you had done this before; you braved through her storms, you stubbornly stayed even though she had been pushing you away almost all the time, you’ve stayed even though she had been shutting you out when she doesn’t feel good.

 

 

 

You understood that was the go to response that she had always done, and you feel like she had gone through lengths to keep you from seeing what she truly is, she had never shown you all her sides because she said that she was protecting you, that she had been keeping you from crying at night without knowing that she had been making you cry unconsciously.

 

 

 

She had given you protection not knowing that you did not need it, that you were willing to see the real side of her that she doesn’t show to anyone else because of unknown reasons she would not divulge upon you; at kahit ilang beses mong gustuhin na makilala siya ay hindi ka niya hinahayaan.

 

 

 

“You’ll never understand me,” you remember that’s what she always says, “you won’t ever understand me.”

 

 

 

You just wanted to understand her, hindi ba, Irene? You feel like she knows a lot about you pero ikaw yung walang alam tungkol sa kanya. What do you know? That she’s taking med school at the moment and she’s doing dance on the side, and that she doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents. Ano pa? you feel like you don’t know anything else about her.

 

 

 

Somehow you feel like you’re just a girlfriend by name, by title, and that you can’t help but feel that she loves you only because you’re the only one there; you can’t help but think that she loves you because you had grown familiar to her in the years that had gone by. And with that thought you can’t help but overthink every night, every time she’s beside you, because you feel that you would never be enough.

 

 

 

But you’re her girlfriend, to others you’re Irene Joohyun De Guzman, a famous and successful writer who is in a very perfect relationship with Seulgi Azrael Ford, a freelance dancer who is currently taking med school for her future with you, and you can’t help but smile upon the hard facts that are present right now, and that’s what you’ve been holding on—this fantasy, this perfect dream that you have with her.

 

 

 

And even if it’s hard, even if you have to live with your heart not being peaceful as it is and you know it, you want to stay upon this fantasy you have in yourself for a little while longer—for as long as you could.

 

 

 

I promise you, Seulgi… I promise myself that I’ll stay for as long as I can, because that’s what I do.

 

 

 

I feel like I do the best in loving you.