CHAPTER EIGHT
She's her 42AUTHOR'S NOTE:
TRIGGER WARNING // POLICE BRUTALITY
okayyy i know it has been almost seven months since i last updated. and im sorry for that. i wont make any excuses because i dont have one aside from procrastination.
anyways, enjoy reading!! :D
comments and upvotes are appreciated
thank you for reading #sh42x!!
Mina slams the door behind them. “When did this all start?”
Momo pushes past her, placing both hands on Sana’s shoulders. “How did it all begin?”
Jihyo removes Momo’s hands to face Sana. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jeongyeon cups Sana’s cheeks and turns her head to her. “How could you hide this from us?” like she didn’t have any idea.
Chaeyoung and Tzuyu confront Dahyun with the same questions. Sana and Dahyun look at each other helplessly, unsure how they would explain everything to everyone. They didn’t expect their friends would find it out like that, not like they were planning to tell them any time soon, though. They really just didn’t expect it.
And fear still settles in their gut, crawling everywhere up to the tip of their cold fingers. They trust their friends of course. But betrayal is a monster that hides in everyone. Betrayal is what they don’t trust, and they’re afraid it will win against some of their friends. They hope to whoever deity is up there that it won’t.
Sana breaks free from the ruckus their friends are making. They’re now asking each other, conspiring when and how it all began. She reaches for Dahyun’s hands and feels it’s just as cold as hers. So she rubs her hands together to give her warmth and smiles at her. She wants to tell her it’s alright, and she’ll be beside her all the time.
“Ah.” Mina removes their hands and places herself in between them. “You two have got a lot of explaining to do. Don’t expect to get away with it by being cute together.”
Sana’s tense shoulders relax. “You’re not mad at us?” She looks around her friends. “You’re not gonna turn us in?”
“Oh I am very mad and very disappointed, don’t get me wrong.” Mina answers immediately then chuckles. “As per turning you in, that depends.”
“On what?” Sana’s lips quiver.
“On whether or not you’re bullting my friend.” Mina pulls Dahyun away from Sana.
“Mina, Sana wouldn’t do that. Ever.” Dahyun defends her.
“Uhm, I think we should let them explain.” Nayeon raises her hand shyly.
Everyone agrees and takes their seat around the room. Sana sits directly in front of Dahyun because Mina won’t let them sit beside each other. Nayeon takes the seat beside her and gives her an encouraging nod.
“Let’s hear your excuses.” Mina crosses her arms. Dahyun looks at her disapprovingly like she couldn’t believe what she’s saying. And then she looks at Sana, mentally saying her apologies which she quickly gets. Sana knows how overprotective Mina could get with her friends. And what they have is still illegal in this world, so she can’t afford to get mad at Mina.
“I really don’t know where to start.” Sana looks at Mina and chuckles nervously. She feels so small against the beanbag she’s sitting on, and Mina’s not doing anything but for some reason she feels like she’s being humiliated. Dahyun catches her gaze and all the other girl could do is give her an encouraging smile— the brightest and only smile in the room full of frowned and confused faces.
“Well you gotta explain everything. I don’t care where you start. Just explain everything.” Mina shrugs.
“Relax, Mina, we're just as frustrated as you.” Jihyo leans forward. She puts her elbows on her knees and props her head on her hands. The look she gives at Sana makes her comfortable even just for a bit. “It’s okay, Sana. Take your time. We got all day.”
Sana nods and closes her eyes, trying to decide where to start her story. She remembers Jihyo’s audition for their band and how Dahyun looked at her intimately, almost as if she was seducing her and they were the only ones in the room. Her lips turn upward at that memory.
Everyone looks at Sana. “It was during Jihyo’s audition, I think, when it all started. She was looking at me so intensely.” Sana remembers everything like it was just yesterday. “She smiled at me, and I fell for her face flat on the dirt.” She chuckles.
“I thought I just wanted to be friends with her. I didn’t know I wanted more because I didn’t understand at first what I was feeling.” Sana breathes out, and along with that breath was her vexations. “It took me months to accept and ages to confess everything to her. And just like how I thought, she didn’t take it very well.”
The entire room was silent, as if everyone was afraid to make a noise. Suddenly Sana was transported back to the time when Dahyun was avoiding her because she wasn’t ready to face her feelings for her. And although it’s already a memory, it still has powers to hurt her excruciatingly.
Sana continues their story, not leaving any details behind because she doesn’t want to hide anything from her friends anymore. Besides, they deserve only the truth only, and it’s also the barest minimum she could do for keeping it to them.
As she tells her story, some of them could not help but gasp. Some, like Mina who’s unmoving and staring at her like a vulture, remain quiet, as if contemplating their entire friendship. Sana hopes they know their friendship is one of the most precious things in her world, though, and she intends to keep their relationship intact.
“I hope this doesn’t change anything between us,” Sana nervously says, ending her story.
The entire room’s quiet for a hot minute, trying to absorb all the overloading information Sana had just dumped on them. She looks at Momo, the friend she’s most concerned about, and gives her a fake smile. But her nervousness eases for a bit when the other Japanese girl returns a genuine smile and an encouraging nod to her.
“You’re not living if you’re not loving.” Nayeon breaks the silence. “Love is the realest thing in this world, and everyone feels it at least once in their life… or at least before their procedure.”
"I've always been fascinated by love. I think there's something magical in a way you'd be willing to sacrifice everything just for a specific person. I've always wondered how it feels to receive someone's love," Chaeyoung absentmindedly says.
“I know about love,” Tzuyu says immediately after Chaeyoung with no fear, “But I don’t know what it feels like for your love to be reciprocated and I could only wish. I envy you, Sana and Dahyun.”
Sana looks at her in surprise and her heart swells at what she said. Chaeyoung catches Tzuyu’s eyes and Sana swears there’s a spark that she only experiences with Dahyun. Right there and then, Sana understands why Tzuyu always does what Chaeyoung does and follows her everywhere.
No further questions needed to be asked because it’s all written in Tzuyu’s face. And everyone seems to get what Tzuyu was saying, too. Except for Chaeyoung whose eyebrows are still meeting halfway, like she’s trying to fix a puzzle. But the thing is she has the right piece, just not the right angle.
And this will take time, Sana could tell. Because Chaeyoung is eccentric and tends to overthink everything. She will deny the answer even though it’s right in front of her unless somebody tells her it’s right. And knowing Tzuyu, it might take a while for her to tell Chaeyoung she’s right.
They were just like Sana and Dahyun from before. And Sana doesn’t want them to waste any time and pain, so she will try her best to help them. Because she loves them both, too.
Jihyo raises her hand. “This amor deliria—”
“Love. Say it. It’s not a disease, it won’t plague you nor will it kill you. If it did, I’m sure all of us would be dead right now.” Nayeon cuts her off.
“This… love.” Jihyo inhales sharply while she hesitates to say the word. "Is it the same thing I feel towards my sisters? Why I'd do everything for them? Why I feel the responsibility to protect them no matter what?"
“Love comes in so many forms. Yes, it is still love. But not the same love Sana and Dahyun have.” Nayeon answers. All of them feel confused. Sana’s eyebrows meet because although she experiences love, she still doesn’t know how to differentiate the kinds of love. “I will tell you more about it next time.” Nayeon smiles at them when she sees their confused faces.
“If there are different types of love, then does that mean we’re all infected?” Chaeyoung asks.
“Definitely.”
“But I don’t feel infected. I don’t feel any symptoms,” Mina says.
“Are you sure you have no specific someone you would protect no matter what?” Nayeon turns to Mina and raises her eyebrows. Mina’s frozen for a minute. She tries to open but no words come out of it. She tries again but only fails. “I figured.” Nayeon almost scoffs.
“Love is not dead, because it is what keeps us alive. Like really alive, unlike those who had their procedures already. It is not a disease nor it is a sin. And you will save yourself from a lot of pain and confusion if you just accept it that way.” Nayeon looks at each of them. “Besides, love is too powerful, sometimes even the procedure does not work for people.”
“WHAT?” They ask in unison.
“Yeah, why do you think the crypts are for?” Nayeon asks.
“Uhm, for the invalids and sympathizers?” Jeongyeon answers as a matter of factly.
“And what do you think ‘invalid’ means, Jeongyeon?”
“I thought they were just people who faked their procedure and decided to blend into society.”
“Did you really go to the facility with me?” Now it’s Nayeon’s turn to be genuinely confused. “What you said has some truth to it. But most of the invalids are people whose procedure didn’t work. The regulators put them in the crypts, torture them, and do multiple experiments on them.”
“What more do you know?” Mina crosses her arms.
“Everything.”
“Spill,” Mina says. Nayeon hesitates. “What you say will stay in the four corners of this room.” Mina assures her.
“That there’s a civilization deep into the woods, and we’re all welcome if we want to join them. That inside those woods, which the government painted as dangerous, is the safest place you could ever live in, even safer than the gated communities you live in. And that if you want, you could go and live there with me.”
“You’re leaving?” Sana gasps.
“Very soon, yes.”
“But why? Why did you hide this from me? How could you?” Jeongyeon stands up, and as she rises so does her voice. Momo has to physically restrain her from towering over Nayeon and scaring her.
“I never intended to stay here, Jeongyeon. Don’t you get it? Any day, they will come after me and throw me into the crypts just like what they did to my parents.”
“Why would they do that?” Dahyun asks.
“Because unlike your family, mine has done some things the government disapproves of. They think I’ll do the same. They’ve been eyeing me since I left the facility, so I have to escape.”
“Bring us with you.” Sana puts both her hands on Nayeon’s knees and begs her. “Bring me and Dahyun with you. We’ll do anything you say. Just get us away from here.”
“Watch what you say, Minatozaki.” Mina hisses.
“Mina” Sana inhales sharply and looks at her “I don’t mean to be rude, but you do not control our lives. You don’t know how painful it is to live here. And that’s not what we want. We were gonna ask Nayeon even if this didn’t happen.”
“Is that true?” Mina asks Dahyun. “Is it really what you want?”
“Yes, I was the one who begged Sana,” Dahyun answers quietly, not meeting Mina’s gaze.
“If you’re gonna bring them with you, might as well bring me, too. I believe in love anyways.” Chaeyoung rests her back on the backrest of her seat.
“Me too.” Tzuyu’s gaze shifts from Chaeyoung to Nayeon.
“If it’s true that the woods are safer, then bring me with you too. I don’t want to go back to Japan, they’ll just turn my life into hell there,” Momo says. Sana remembers all the abusive behaviors Momo had to endure. The big scar on her stomach. The reason why (uncured) Hana had to get them out of their house that never was a home.
“If I join you, what will happen to my sisters?” Jihyo asks.
“They will be put in the facility, but don’t worry they won’t starve there. Right, Jeongyeon?” Nayeon turns to the girl.
Jeongyeon nods. “And besides, Seoyeon won’t let anything happen to your youngest sister. She’s tougher than all of us. She’ll survive.”
“My father.” There must’ve been some rust in Jihyo’s tongue for her to spit those words out like it’s the most disgusting thing she could say. “What will happen to him?”
“He’ll probably end up in jail or worse, the crypts,” Nayeon says.
“Good. That horrible man should’ve been in jail a long time ago,” Momo interjects.
“But I have to make sure it’s safe for my sisters first. Then I will come back for them after.”
“They’re gonna be fine until we’ve made sure it’s safe enough for them. They’re your sisters after all and I know you didn’t raise them to be weak,” says Sana.
“Yeah,” Jihyo inhales sharply and nods. “Seungyeon’s tough. I know she’ll protect our youngest sister.”
“And you, Jeongyeon? Are you gonna come with us?” Nayeon asks. Sana doesn’t miss the way her breath hitches.
Jeongyeon avoids all their gaze and sighs. “Well I don’t have anything to lose, have I? I’m still mad at the system for what they did to our family. And I wanna change the system. Maybe I can find a way to do that when I’m with the people in the woods already.”
Everybody turns to Mina. Their eyes feel heavy on her and the pressure builds up. The Japanese girl rolls her eyes. “I’m supposed to be rational. I mean, I’m rich, my family has a reputation, I could have anything I want.”
The room turns completely still.
“I could have anything I want, and I’m supposed to be the rational one. But why am I willing to throw everything just so I could be with all of you? What kind of hex did you put on me to the point that I’d rather live in an uncharted territory than living a comfortable life anywhere?” Mina shakes her head. “Where is the logic? Where is the rationality?”
Mina takes a second to breathe. “Maybe they’re right after all. It makes you do things that are illogical.”
“Who knew you could be sappy?” Momo claps but stops abruptly when Mina’s palm meets her arm with a loud slap.
“So is it decided, then?” Nayeon asks. “We’re all gonna cross the borders? We’re all gonna do this?”
Sana looks at everyone and nods. She locks eyes with Dahyun who’s almost teary-eyed because of the idea, but with happy tears. Sana smiles at her, knowing it’s everything they ever wanted and more.
At first there were only the two of them wanting to cross. Now there are nine courageous souls willing to risk everything just to live an honest and free life.
And as if their minds are connected, everyone answers at the same time.
“Yes.”
“Hi everyone. Bae Suzy at your service.” The woman taps two of her fingers on her temple, imitating a salute.
Everyone eyes the new girl. Nayeon has brought them in some hideous back alley in a lesser populated part of the town. It’s a small recording studio none of them has ever heard of. It only consists of a three-person sofa, a producer’s seat, and the recording booth. Today’s the day they’re gonna learn more about what lies beyond the border and how to get past it.
However, the woman, Bae Suzy as she claims herself to be, seems to be hard to trust with the toothy grin she’s showing them and with her last name. There are only a few Baes living in their town and most of them have a reputation. Trusting a Bae is hard when their family is a well-known devotee to the system.
“Are you, in any way, related to Bae Joohyun?” Mina breaks the silence.
“She’s my cousin actually.”
“I don’t trust her.” Mina turns to Nayeon. “Why would you bring us to her?”
“Yeah.” Suzy clicks her tongue. “Well I’m not a huge fan of my cousin either. Chocolates?” She gives them a jar full of chocolates like it’s a peace offering.
Chaeyoung sticks her hand in the jar before Mina can even stop her. “Thanks!”
“At least she’s not bullying Chaeyoung.” Sana says to Mina.
“Bro.” Suzy chuckles. “I didn’t know Nayeon was friends with a dwarf.”
“Spoke too soon. Here comes armageddon,” Sana whispers to herself.
“What did you say about my friend?” Mina steps in.
“I’m saying, you’re not too tall either. How’s the weather down there?”
Momo drags a very angry Mina away from the newly-introduced girl. Sana sighs and massages her temples. She can see this is gonna be a very long day.
“Let’s have a seat?” Dahyun massages her shoulders, and Sana leans on her as they walk to the couch.
“Nayeon, I trust you. But how do we know you didn’t bring us to a lumpen?” Jeongyeon asks her.
“A lumpen?” Nayeon scoffs.
Suzy hugs Jeongyeon tightly. “Nayeon, I can’t believe you brought a marxist to me.”
“With what you did to Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu the first time you met them, and with what you did to Irene, aren’t you guys technically the lumpens here?” Nayeon frowns, asking the question genuinely. Sana frowns too, realizing she was right.
“What’s a lumpen?” Mina asks.
“I forgot you’re a bourgeoisie.” Nayeon says.
“Well I didn’t.” Momo stands up, fixing her oversized jeans Sana guesses were from her sister. With Mina as her boss, there’s no way she would forget. “Lumpenproletariat?” She faces Mina.
“They don’t know anything about that.” Jihyo waves.
“Gosh, Myoui, you’re supposed to be smarter than me. I guess intelligence is nothing if you’re so detached from reality,” Momo says dramatically.
“Shut up and tell me what those are.”
“Snatchers. Holdapers. Workers whose work is antisocial,” Momo says so casually.
“Are you?” Mina faces Suzy with a pale face.
“No, I own this place.” She responds. The place being a small recording studio. And then she faces Jeongyeon. “I command you, though. Not everyone knows about that word. I’m glad you’re organized.”
“Don’t waste your intelligence. Study the system and why it’s so faulty. Maybe you should look around and read some more. May I recommend Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, and Mao Zedong?” Suzy taps Mina’s shoulder. And Mina distances herself, frowning.
“Their books are banned here.” Nayeon raises her hand.
“I have them. Just hit me up anytime.” She winks at Mina. Then, she sits at her ‘producer’ seat in front of many buttons Sana has no idea what they’re for. “So, Nayeon told me all about your plan, and I’m here to help you.”
“I still don’t trust her,” Mina disapproves.
“I’ll go straight to the point,” Suzy ignores her side comment. “As you all know, there’s an electrified fence surrounding the entire country which separates the wilds and the entire town. Well, every month, they turn off a portion of the fence in order to save money, and that’s usually when the invalids cross the borders to bring aid to the people in the wilds.”
“There’s really a community somewhere out there huh,” Jihyo says absentmindedly.
“Why would they turn off the electricity every once in a while?” Mina asks.
“Like I said, to save money. It’s crazy to think that we, as a third world country, can power up the fence all over the country 24/7. Unless it’s powered by hate.” Suzy laughs. Sana fakes a laugh, as a courtesy. Everyone exchanges glances and an awkward silence follows.
“Nikola ‘If your hate could be turned into electricity, it would light up the whole world’ Tesla?” Suzy raises her eyebrows.
“Who’s that?” Chaeyoung asks.
“Nayeon?” Suzy turns to her, but the other girl shakes her head. “Nobody? Okay. Point is, our country’s so poor the government can’t even provide ‘safety’ to those they claim they protect.”
“So the fence is not electrified, but that’s useless if there are guards on standby,” Sana says.
“Did Nayeon never tell you we’re everywhere?” Suzy says in a low voice. “We have eyes everywhere. Even in the government.”
“You’re telling me the invalids guard the fence whenever the blackouts happen so you can deliver aids and stuff across the border,” Dahyun breathes out.
Suzy nods. “And on the 28th of next month, they will be turning off the electricity on this part of the town.” Suzy places down a map on the table and points to that part of the town.
“That’s near the cliff,” Jeongyeon says.
“But the day after that will be the day of Dahyun’s procedure, can’t we move it a little earlier?” Sana asks.
Suzy shakes her head. “We’ve already missed the opening for this month. They won’t turn off the fence again on the 28th. I can’t do anything about it. I’m sorry.”
Sana breathes in.
Dahyun caresses her back, trying to calm her down. “That’s okay, all we have to do is pull it off.”
“Also, I have to warn you, finding the community in the wilds is very hard if you’re not familiar. It’ll take you days. So I suggest you do some cardio before crossing the borders. Improve your stamina.”
“Will there be people crossing the fence with us? Maybe they could guide us.” Chaeyoung asks.
“Nayeon will be there to guide you.”
Everybody turns to Nayeon. “You’ve been there?” Tzuyu asks.
She nods her head. “I will guide everyone. Don’t worry.”
“Don’t forget to pack food. And water. Lots of it.”
“This plan sounds too easy. Too good to be true.” Mina frowns.
“It may sound easy, but I’m telling you this isn’t anywhere near that. Climbing a twenty-feet tall fence. Hiking through the wilds for three, four days, maybe even more. Avoiding attention and people. Especially the government. None of that is an easy feat. So be careful.”
They all nod. Suzy advised them to enjoy themselves as a group one last time before crossing the fence.
“I hope Mina will finally leave me alone.” Momo intertwines her hands together and looks up to the ceiling, as if she’s begging whoever deity is up there. Completely unprovoked. Mina crosses the room and kicks her on the shins. “I’m just kidding! Can’t you take a joke?” Momo groans. “I hope we can eat as much as we want when we cross the borders.”
“All languages combined lack the specific words I need to express my hate towards you as of the moment.” Mina kicks her again.
“I hope we stay as nine and our friendship will grow stronger,” Tzuyu says with a shy smile.
“Aww,” everyone but Mina chimes. The girl rolls her eyes but then laughs with them right after
“Tzuyu-ah that’s so sweet!” Jihyo pats her back.
After a few reminders and whispered conversations inside the packed room, the group leaves with a plan and one mission in their minds:
No troll left behind.
Everybody goes about their own business. Sana and Dahyun stay in the beach house. Nayeon and Jeongyeon leave together and go to god knows where. Mina gives Momo a lift to the restaurant for her shift. Tzuyu goes on to another magazine photoshoot.
Jihyo’s about to go home when Chaeyoung calls her.
“Wait up!” She jogs after Jihyo.
The other girl turns to her and her eyebrows meet halfway. “Yes?” She squints, unsure of what Chaeyoung wants to do with her. What is it that she had to tell her in private instead of in front of their friends? “Do you need anything, Chae?”
“Actually.” She shifts her weight to another foot. “I kinda have this song, and I wanted to give it to you. You said you always wanted to write one, but you were unsure how. I was thinking we could do it together, maybe?”
“Chaeyoung.” Jihyo claps her hand to . “You’re the best!” She jumps on the little girl and almost loses their balance. She hugs her as if she’s squishing the life out of her.
It’s true Jihyo has always wanted to write lyrics to a song. She just doesn’t know how. She tried multiple times, but all of her attempts were awful, or so she thinks. She wanted to write songs beautifully like how her mother did back when she was still alive. So this opportunity is really life-changing for her.
“Can’t. Breathe.”
She lets go of her. “This is amazing, Chae.” She puts her hands on Chaeyoung’s shoulders and looks her in the eye. “I can’t be more grateful.”
“I was working on it ever since you left the band. It really saddened me, you leaving and knowing the reason behind it. But I know it hurt you the most, so I wanted to do something.”
Jihyo’s once again reminded of her father’s abusive behavior and can’t help but get angry a bit. However, there are people who appreciate her now and are not afraid to show it anymore. There are people who are willing to protect her now, and she feels safe around them.
As the eldest daughter in an Asian family, she feels relieved there’s a place now where she doesn’t have to act like an adult anymore. She feels so grateful she can now heal her inner child with the people who’s most important to her and do the things they like the most without a care in the world.
“Thank you so much, Chaeyoung.” Jihyo’s tensed shoulders soften. “But I think it would be better if we write the lyrics with all the girls before we cross the borders. What do you think?”
“Great idea.” Chaeyoung’s eyes light up and her dimples show. “I’ll find everyone and tell them.” She starts walking backwards and waves goodbye. “See you!” She runs.
“Chaeyoung!” Jihyo calls but the other girl continues sprinting away from her. “I literally live near Sana, Momo, Jeongyeon, and Nayeon.” She sighs. She could’ve saved Chaeyoung her energy.
Chaeyoung somewhat reminds her of Seoyeon in a way they’re both always enthusiastic about things. And they have the same smile too, giving her the urge to protect Chaeyoung a little more than anyone else in their friend group.
She’s glad she found a family in them even though they live in different worlds.
That evening, Jihyo and Chaeyoung managed to get them all together once again to announce their plans. Chaeyoung gives out papers and pens to everyone who looks at her curiously.
“Thanks. “Sana accepts it with a smile which quickly turns into a frown. “What is this for?”
Jihyo looks at Chaeyoung who gives her a heads up to tell them. “Well, Chaeyoung and I were kind of thinking if we could write a song all together. She already has the instrumentals and all. We just need the lyrics.”
“Writing a song seems fun.” Nayeon smiles at them. “What will it be about?”
“We haven’t thought about that yet. Does anyone have any ideas?” Jihyo fishes for thoughts from anyone.
“It could be all about friendship.” Jeongyeon says, rubbing her red ears in embarrassment. “Nevermind.” She quickly takes it back.
“That’s actually a good idea. Cringe. But good,” Momo agrees.
“Can we hear the instrumentals first?” Mina asks.
“Sure.” Chaeyoung opens her laptop and plays the song for everyone.
It’s a soft song, and it reminds Sana of clouds and clear skies. She closes her eyes and lets the melody sways her back and forth, like a tree swaying peacefully.
When the song finishes, she opens her eyes only to see everyone doing it all at the same time. They all laugh at each other.
“We can write what we all want to say to each other, like an open letter to everyone,” Dahyun says.
“That’s a great idea, Dahyun. Does everyone agree?” Jihyo points at everyone, and when nobody protests, she sends them writing.
Everybody takes up different spots in the room. Sana scoots over Dahyun’s spot and lets Dahyun rest on her like she’s a study wall. She wraps her arms around her while writing what she wants to say to her friends.
Chaeyoung and Tzuyu fill the farthest corner of the room, alone in their bubble with foreheads touching.
Nayeon and Jeongyeon sit across from them, passionately discussing what they should write down.
Mina’s scolding Momo again. Something about a korean word used in a wrong context, making her letter way off than Momo intended and a bit offending.
Jihyo watches everyone with a huge smile on her face, just entirely proud of how far they’ve become since the first time they saw each other.
Nobody knows how long it has been since they started writing. Everyone’s so absorbed in writing to care about time to the point they didn't feel it flowing. Only when everyone claims they already finished writing did it matter.
“We’re done,” Nayeon and Jeongyeon say.
“Us too.” Chaeyoung raises her and Tzuyu’s pen.
Sana peeks at Dahyun’s paper and silently asks her if she’s done. Dahyun nods. “We’re done, too.”
“Let me see.” Mina snatches Momo’s paper and proofreads it. When she feels like she’s satisfied, she shoves it back to Momo, knocking the air out of her. Mina rolls her eyes. “Us too, finally.”
“Me too.” Jihyo looks for a clock. “What time is it?! What time is it!”
“21:29 jeez calm down. What’s your problem?” Mina asks.
“That could be our title since everyone finished at exactly 21:29.” Jihyo explains to them. Everyone nods in agreement.
“Okay now that we have the title and the lyrics, what’s our next step?” Nayeon asks them.
“We can ask Suzy if we can record and arrange the song in her studio!” Chaeyoung suggests.
“That’s brilliant. I’m gonna ask her right now.” Nayeon stands up and heads for the door.
“Where are you going?” Jeongyeon stops her.
“To Suzy.”
“But it’s almost curfew,” Jeongyeon reminds her.
“I know the shortcuts and hidden passages in this town. I won’t get caught, don’t worry.”
“Don’t you have her phone number or something?” Tzuyu frowns.
“I do not have a cellphone. Carbon footprint. And it’ll make the regulators’ job easier to locate and track me.”
“I cannot believe you’re living the same lifetime as us. Are you sure you’re not from the Victorian era or something? And what’s with the white dress anyway?” Mina asks.
“What’s wrong with my dress?” She looks at it. “It used to be my mom’s. Isn’t it pretty?”
“It’s very pretty, Nayeon. Don’t mind Mina.” Sana shoots Mina a look that tells her to stop. Mina rolls her eyes at her.
“I agree. Mina just doesn’t have a fashion sense. Don’t mind her,” Momo says.
“Okay.” Jihyo stands up, trying to stop yet another argument between Momo and Mina she sees brewing. “Why don’t we all just go to her studio and ask?”
Dahyun’s already at the door when she speaks up. “Well what are you all waiting for? Let’s not waste our time.”
Everybody gets to their feet and scrams. The chilly wind of the cold night blows, and they lean closer to each other for warmth.
Nayeon leads them to the darkest paths of the town, unknown to all of them. But they all trust Nayeon with their life.
It’s easy to be a free-wandering soul when you know when you stumble and hurt yourself in your journey, there will be somebody who’s waiting for them at home and will be willing to tend to the pain. They live and face life with a little courage like that.
The studio, which was in a back alley and far from the main road, was very small. You would miss it if you don’t know what you’re looking for. There’s no sign whatsoever to lead you and only a few struggling artists know about it. Most of Suzy’s artists are from small accounts from soundcloud and YouTube Narnia, a part of YouTube which is very hard to enter and only indie musicians and fans know about.
When they reach their destination, they see Suzy smoking outside. “I knew there was a reason I couldn’t sleep tonight.” The older girl smiles at them and throws the cigarette on the ground. “Did all of you get into trouble?”
“Actually no, but we need your help,” Nayeon says. Suzy raises her eyebrow. “We wrote a song, and we were wondering if you can help us arrange and record it.”
“Well,” Suzy laughs, “You came to the right place. Come in, it’s cold out here.”
The studio welcomes them. It was cramped. Could barely fit all of them. It smells of cheap jasmine air freshener and three-in-one coffee. On the corner’s a couch for three people reserved for Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu. The rest of the group settles on the carpet while Suzy takes her seat in front of the booth as the producer.
Moon takes her rest and the sun kisses her from afar, taking over. The entire night, they were discussing how they wanted their song to sound like, experimenting with the lyrics without stripping it from the message they wanted to convey to each other.
They each take turns in the recording booth, singing their lines.
In between those turns, Sana doesn’t waste her time and continues folding her origami paper cranes. Aside from Nayeon, nobody knows the reason why Sana chose this specific hobby and none of them asked. They just let Sana be, without any questions.
(By the time they finish their song, Sana will have a total of 923 paper cranes.)
Dahyun’s turn comes and Sana stands beside Suzy, silently rooting for her girl.
Suzy squints her eyes at Sana watching Dahyun with too much adoration in her eyes. “You love her.” She gasps. “You…” She punches Sana’s arm and Sana’s lips twitch in pain. “We have a lover!” Suzy announces to everyone in the room.
They all go silent.
“Does anybody know?” Suzy asks.
“Uhm, duhh.” Mina rolls her eyes. “Of course everybody knows, have you seen the way she looks at Dahyun just now?”
“I just noticed.” Suzy grins at Sana. “Does she know? Are you two a thing?”
Sana nods, unsure of how to really respond.
“Is she the reason why you’re crossing the borders with your friends?” Suzy didn’t ask when they told her they're planning on crossing the borders.
“Yeah.” Sana feels her burning cheeks against the back of her hand.
When Dahyun finishes recording, she looks at Sana and gives her the sweetest smile. Suzy pulls her into a hug, squealing at the two of them. Sana finds Suzy’s reaction cute and laughs awkwardly as she returns the tight hug.
It feels nice to have a new friend beside her.
Two and a half days. It was all the time it took to finish their song. And during that time, they spent it mostly in Suzy’s studio, only coming home to take a bath and pausing to eat. They were too absorbed with the process and enjoyed it too much.
Everyone’s cheering and giving each other a complimentary pat on their backs.
Suzy’s about to press play on her computer when she’s interrupted.
“Ah!”
“Nooo!
“Shut uppp”
“I cannot breathe.”
“I cannot do this.”
“Please stop.”
“I CAN’T.”
Tzuyu screams and covers her eyes, as if it’ll stop her from hearing the song.
“Stop the car–” Mina says without thinking “ –computer! Stop the computer!”
“We’re not ready!” Jihyo holds Suzy’s wrist, stopping her from playing the song.
“You’re a bunch of very weird people.” Suzy frees herself from Jihyo and raises both her hands in the air. “Very weird! You’ve all worked hard for this, and none of y’all wanted to hear it? Very weird!”
“We’ll listen to it when we’re ready.” Jihyo replies.
“And when will that be?” Suzy eyes everyone in the room.
“How about we listen to it when we cross the borders? So we can celebrate our new beginnings,” Nayeon suggests.
“I agree. How about everyone else?” Mina asks and all of them nod.
Sana approaches Suzy. “How can we pay you?”
“Pay me?” Suzy scoffs. “I don’t need your money.”
“Payment doesn’t necessarily mean money. We owe you one.”
“I don’t believe in debts. Go spend your life freely. Don’t worry about me.”
“Still–”
“But if you really insist, then I’d say take good care of your friends. What you have is rare in this world. Don’t lose it.” Suzy pats her shoulder and continues cleaning the studio.
Everyone helps as a token of silent gratitude (and just basic etiquette, really).
It’s already afternoon when they leave Suzy’s studio. Everybody’s talking about the song and how excited they are to listen to it albeit not ready yet.
Momo jumps and slaps the back of Jihyo’s head like it’s a basketball backboard. “Dumb .”
“You idiot.” Jihyo runs after her, head on and locks her waist using her arm. She lifts Momo up then unexpectedly bumps on Mina, making them stumble over.
“Very mature.” Mina stands up and dusts herself off. She pushes the two away from her and continues walking beside Sana.
“You would have to get used to them if you’re gonna cross, you know. It can get worse,” Sana offers a piece of advice.
“At this point I’m already questioning all my life choices.” Mina sighs.
“Oh, look! It’s a photobooth.” Momo points to a small booth in the corner of the street.
“We don’t have money.” Jeongyeon reminds them.
And then everyone turns to Mina. Even Chaeyoung, Tzuyu, and Dahyun.
“What?” Mina asks, trying to feign ignorance.
“Please?” Chaeyoung begs.
Mina sighs in defeat. “Fine. I’ll pay for it, but only if we edit Momo out.”
“ to be you ‘cuz I’ll be in the picture no matter what you say.” Momo leads the way and holds the curtain for everyone. When it’s Mina’s turn to go in, Momo stops her and lets herself in first. Resulting in Mina kicking Momo on her calf and Momo howling in pain.
“Stop breathing on my neck, Momo.” Jihyo shoves her face away.
Momo punches her. “I wasn’t!”
“When was the last time you washed your hair, Jeongyeon?” Nayeon asks.
“None of your business.”
“Actually I can smell your hair, and I’m on the other side from you.” Tzuyu teases.
“Sana! Dahyun tried to kiss me.” Chaeyoung wipes her cheek.
“Not true!” Dahyun looks at her defensively. “It’s not true. I promise.”
“It’s okay, Dahyun. I know. Chaeyoung’s just being dramatic as always.”
“Can everyone shut up so we can take the damn photo already.” Mina pulls everyone together. “And compress!”
Camera shutter goes off, catching everyone off guard. The entire booth’s filled with laughter and offending remarks at each other (mostly Mina and Momo). And nobody was aware of the judging stares of strangers passing by the booth.
They squeeze themselves out of the booth, still giggling to themselves. “Hey, I just realized this is our only picture together.” Sana stops at her track and looks at the strip.
“Really?” Chaeyoung thinks for a second.
“Wait, you’re right,” Nayeon agrees.
“Let me see.” Momo steals it away from her.
“Look at Tzuyu.” Jeongyeon laughs her off.
“No, look at Dahyun and Chaeyoung.” Jihyo joins her.
“Our only picture and none of you had half the mind to take it seriously? I’m leaving this group.” Mina scoffs and walks faster. The rest of the group goes after her, teasing each other and giggling.
Sana stays behind.
She looks at their photo strip and smiles fondly. It overwhelms her that after years of hardship, life could be this easy and wishes it could stay like that. Always. With all nine of them together like a real family.
They love each other like how Icarus loved the sun. Dangerously and deathly. But even Icarus was laughing as he fell. They’re all reaching for the sun because that’s what they want.
A huge price is waiting for an ambition as strong as theirs, and they will pay for it. Nevermind the consequences because at this moment falling feels like soaring. And there is nothing more addicting than the wind carrying them to the ground– just like how you’re carried to your bed in your peaceful sleep.
The sun painted their blues yellow, blinding them from an inevitable rock bottom. Together, they learned there are things death cannot lay a hand on, like their story that will inspire thousands of people to revolution.
When they hit the ground, they won’t die. Something else inside them will.
(They’re laughing as they fall too.)
Three days. Three more days left until they leave this ty town and four days until Dahyun’s scheduled procedure. They do cardios mostly in Mina’s house, who set up an entire gym in their house for them.
But today, Momo and Sana are alone jogging together. Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu have a program in their school and they have to leave early. Jihyo has to cook for her sisters and take care of them. Jeongyeon has to help with her parents’ tteokbokki’s place. And for some reason, Nayeon wasn’t in her home when they went.
Silently, they run side-by-side together, until Momo notices Sana’s heavy breathing. They have been running around for more than thirty minutes, and Sana doesn’t have the stronger lungs between the two of them.
Momo bumps her shoulder, sporting a grin from ear to ear. Sana almost lost her balance but she regains it. She does the same to Momo who locks her head around her arms. “Get away from me!” The both of them laugh together as Sana tries to free herself from Momo’s headlock.
Sana accidentally sets her right foot in front of Momo and the two of them stumble together. Talk about having two of the clumsiest people in the entire world together.
“Need a hand?” A man offers his hand in front of Sana.
“Junmyeon? What are you doing here?” Sana asks.
He tilts his head towards the trunk of his car full of relief goods waiting to be given away. Sana realizes they’re in front of the town hall filled with people. “We’re giving away relief goods. What are you doing here?”
“Practicing healthy living.” Sana stands up without his help and pulls Momo up too. “Will Dahyun be here?”
“Why do you always bring her up when we’re together?” Junmyeon asks her with a curious look. Sana can suddenly feel her legs and insides quivering, afraid the man will discover something that he shouldn’t. “No, she’s not here.”
“Well, I am here just in case you didn’t notice.” Momo scoffs.
“And you are?”
“Hirai Momo, Sana’s best friend.”
“Ah, any friend of my future wife is a friend of mine. I’m Kim Junmyeon, Sana’s future husband.” He extends his hand. Sana can visibly see how his expression shifts when Momo tries to squeeze all of the blood inside his veiny hand.
Her stomach also churns when she hears him claiming her as his future wife. As if that’ll happen. Sana scoffs internally.
“And son of the—”
“Son of the governor I know.” Momo squeezes his hand harder. So hard Junmyeon had to cut the handshake short. “Nice meeting you. We’ll be off now.”
Momo drags Sana away from the boy. She waits until they’re out of earshot. “You’re not actually going to marry that man, are you? He’s so pretentious. I mean, she gives me bad vibes, Sana. Very bad. Please stay away from that man.”
“Momo, I will be in the wilds with you even before the talk of marriage will happen. I will be very far away from him.”
“Good, ‘cause I really don’t like him. If ever you need help, I’m here. I’ll be on your side to death, you hear me? To death, Sana.” Momo claps her hand on Sana’s back.
Sana tries not to cough because of the force. “Thanks, Momo.”
For a while, the other girl was quiet. Sana can detect the other girl has a question for her. Momo’s a few feet ahead of her when she urges her to spit it out. “What is it?” She sighs.
Momo doesn’t look back at her. “Did it hurt?”
The other girl didn’t specify, but she knows Momo’s asking if it ever hurt, loving Dahyun. It wasn’t in her words, but it was definitely in her silence.
“Of course it did.” Sana smiles bitterly at the painful memories Dahyun and she has. But the good overpowers pain and it’s all worth it.
“Then how did you stop hurting?”
“I didn’t.” Sana jogs to her and holds her hand. “But I have you and our friends backing me up now. I have nothing to be afraid of.”
Sana hopes it’s enough for Momo to be brave enough to face her feelings.
Sana watches Dahyun cook ramen for her. She offered to help, really. But the other girl refused because she might end up blowing the entire kitchen.
Her arms find their way around Dahyun’s small body and she plants soft kisses on Dahyun’s shoulder. Dahyun smiles and caresses Sana’s cheeks softly, making it burn red.
When she finishes cooking, Sana sets up the table for the two of them and they both dig in.
“Don’t enjoy your time with him too much,” Dahyun reminds her.
“Won’t,” Sana says in between slurping, splashing soup all over the table. “Sorry. Will clean that.” She immediately wipes it with a tissue paper.
“Slow down. No one’s gonna steal your food, love.” Dahyun reaches for Sana’s hands.
Sana nods and smiles while is full. But her smile vanishes when her phone vibrates.
Dahyun sighs. “It’s him, isn’t it?”
Junmyeon invited Sana for a ‘date’ and she couldn’t refuse because albeit she loathes him the most in this world, she’s still paired with him and she has people to protect. She can’t risk him having suspicions about her.
“Yeah,” Sana says. “I’m so sorry, Dahyun. Just leave the dirty dishes on the sink. I’ll wash them when I get home.”
The other girl nods lifelessly.
Sana stands up, getting ready to leave. "Wait," Sana pauses.
"What?" Dahyun chuckles.
She fixes Dahyun's crooked eyeglasses and kisses the top of her head. "Perfect." Dahyun holds on to her and doesn't move until Sana's phone rings again. "I really need to go," she pulls back from the hug. "But at the end of the day, you're still the person I'll come home to."
Sana cups her cheeks. She may be spending her entire day with Junmyeon, but what makes it bearable is the thought of coming home to Dahyun. Her safe haven. Her love. And nothing beats that feeling.
"I know. Don't enjoy your time with him too much." Dahyun repeats.
A tug stops Sana from taking a step away from Dahyun. “You miss me already?” She jokingly asks.
“Sana, if ever our plan fails—“
“It won’t,” Sana says. “Look at me, love.” She cups her cheeks and looks straight into her soul. “That will never happen because we’re the perfect team.”
“I’m just saying, if it fails, which I also believe it won’t—“
“I’m not having this conversation with you, love. I’m not saying goodbye to you,” Sana says stubbornly.
The other girl inhales sharply. She peppers Sana’s palm with kisses. “Okay.”
Her worries are erased with a soft kiss on her lips.
They have their memories that will last a lifetime. And tomorrow, they will make more. There’s no really saying farewell to somebody that’s been very important to you. There are only “see you soon” and “let’s meet again tomorrow.”
Dahyun leans on the door, smiling at Sana. The other girl seems to feel her longing stares and looks at her. Sana walks backwards and waves at Dahyun. Both of them giggle while waving at each other. It feels like Dahyun was sending Sana off to the war and she’s the wife who will be waiting for her soldier to return.
Dahyun will always be waiting for Sana.
Nayeon inhales the sea breeze and sits down on the bench. She looks at the peaceful sky stretching as far as her eyes can see, focusing on the vanishing line where it meets the sea. The sun starts to peek and color everything with orange and gold, reminding her of the special someone she’s waiting for.
As if she read her thoughts, a cold hand makes its way around her shoulder, untangling its stiffness at their lightest touch. The other girl puts her leather jacket around her and offers her coffee. “I told you to bring your jacket. It’s cold.”
Nayeon just hums in response and accepts the coffee with a warm smile. And like a magnet, she puts her head on the nook of her shoulders, not wanting to part ever. Before Jeongyeon, only the sun had touched her this close.
All her life, sunrise has always been her favorite. But these days Jeongyeon’s making it extra special by being by her side every morning.
And slowly, her new sunset is becoming Jeongyeon.
The other girl pulls her closer and whispers at the top of her head. “What do you want to eat for today?”
“Can we just stay like this for a moment.” She snuggles closer, closing her sleepy eyes. She can feel the other girl’s breathing and smiles. She doesn’t want to think about anything just yet. Just Jeongyeon.
“Okay.” Jeongyeon runs her fingers through her hair and looks at the horizon. “Aren’t you tired of watching the sunrise?”
“There are very rare moments I do get tired of it. But most of the time I don’t because it reminds me of something this world has already forgotten.”
“And what is that?”
The wind blows Nayeon’s long, wavy hair. “Hope.”
“Nayeon, what are you most looking forward to when we finally cross the borders?”
“Definitely more sunrise with you. And cooking lessons!” Jeongyeon laughs at the thought cuz Nayeon at cooking and she has been very patient with her. One time she cut strawberries with the wrong end of the knife, wasting half of it. “And picnics during midnight!! Why aren't midnight picnics a thing?” Her eyebrows meet for a second and then they don't when she realizes curfews exist “And picking beautiful flowers under the moonlight. And giving you those flowers. And—“ Nayeon takes a deep breath.
“You have a lot of things in mind.” The other girl brushes her back, encouraging her to breathe properly. “But don’t worry, we’ll have all the time in the world once we’ve crossed.”
Every morning they meet to watch the sunrise, and every morning their hearts grow closer than ever.
To others Jeongyeon might be grumpy, the very personification of cold even, but to Nayeon she’s the sun.
They have been through lots of ups and downs together, the worst of the worsts, the darkest of all.
But together they find daylight with each other.
Tzuyu hums to herself, enjoying the cool breeze on the way to Chaeyoung’s house. The other girl has no idea Tzuyu’s going there right now and she smiles to herself just imagining the surprise in Chaeyoung’s face when she sees her.
A grandma approaches her with a warm smile and a basket of flowers hanging on her elbow. Tzuyu returns the smile and greets her good morning, bowing as she does so.
“Good morning to you too, young one. It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” She gestures to the peaceful sky.
“Indeed.” Tzuyu looks up. It’s always a good day when she spends it with Chaeyoung.
“Do you want to buy some flowers?”
She hums and nods. “One, please.” Surely Chaeyoung will appreciate some, white roses are her favorite. So she decides to buy one.
“Here you go.” The grandma hands her a stem of white rose.
Tzuyu buries her nose on the flower and smells it. “Thank you. I’m sure she’ll like it.” She digs in her pocket to get a change. “How much for this?”
“Oh, you’re giving it to a friend? In that case, keep it.” At first Tzuyu hesitates. “Please, I insist. Here, give her some more.” The grandma gives her a total of three flowers.
“Thank you so much!” Tzuyu sports a timid smile and bows multiple times. “How can I pay you?”
“No need to pay me, young one.” Grandma arranges her own hair, exposing the back of her ear. Tzuyu’s eyes widen when she sees there are no three-pronged scar where it’s supposed to be. And that’s when she gets it.
They’re everywhere.
“Thank you so much,” Tzuyu says.
“No worries. Go ahead. You shouldn’t make her wait.” Grandma winks.
“I’ll be off then. Take care!” Tzuyu bows one last time.
The grandma watches her with an affectionate look in her eyes.
When she arrives at the manor, she sees Chaeyoung painting in the garden. Carefully, she approaches her.
“Hi.” Tzuyu rests her chin on Chaeyoung’s shoulder.
“Hi yourself.” Chaeyoung chuckles.
“For you.” Tzuyu gives her the flowers. “Nice painting as always.
“Thank you.” Chaeyoung gasps. “I love white roses!”
“I know.” Tzuyu stands tall with pride. She knows everything about Chaeyoung.
“It brings me comfort.”
“And you are mine. I feel the safest when you’re around.” Tzuyu wraps her lanky arms around Chaeyoung’s small waist. She closes her eyes as she inhales. Chaeyoung smells of lavender and it reminds Tzuyu of an endless field, as endless as her feelings.
“Tzu,” Chayoung says quietly. If Tzuyu wasn’t hugging her, she wouldn’t have heard it. “Are you afraid?”
“Of what?”
“Of what we’re gonna do.”
There’s a pregnant pause between them. Surely Chaeyoung’s referring to crossing the borders with their friends.
“It’s only normal to be afraid, Chaeyoung. But you have my hands to hold, and I promise you I won’t let go.”
Chaeyoung plants a soft kiss on Tzuyu’s knuckles. “Thank you. For not letting go.”
“I can never do that to you, Chaeyoung.”
“And so do I.”
They look each other in the eyes.
There’s nothing more intimate than a silent agreement to be each other’s walls when the other is crumbling.
Momo opens the door to the kitchen, entering with a frown after cleaning up the table of a rude customer. She sees Mina waiting for her alone. Everybody else already left. “For ’s sake, Mina, please don’t tell me you’re here just to annoy me. I’ve had a long day. This world is miserable as it is.”
“Well maybe if you started accepting the fact that I care about you, then maybe you wouldn’t be miserable. And maybe, if you weren’t too blind, then maybe you could accept the fact that I consider you special!” Mina catches her breath.
“You always tease me! How is that special?”
“Because you’re fun to annoy and having fun with you seems normal!”
Momo’s taken aback by Mina’s words. She shakes her head and lets out a laugh.
Mina scoffs. “This is funny to you?”
“You said having fun with me seems normal. I’m having fun.”
“We started wrong, I think.”
“Then let’s not end wrong.” Momo looks at Mina and she realizes Mina’s a little good-looking; she must admit. Well… maybe a lot good-looking if you really think about it.
“Hey.” The atmosphere between them shifts. Momo pulls down the hem of her shirt, unsure of why exactly she was doing that. It’s just Mina. There’s no reason to be embarrassed. “So… big day tomorrow huh?”
Mina freezes for a second, trying to absorb it all, then hums quietly. “Yeah.” She breathes her realization.
“Look.” Momo closes her eyes in frustration and tries to find the right words. “I know we don’t have the best relationship in our friend group, if you consider me part of that. But I just wanna ask something.”
“Sure.”
“When we cross the borders, can we start all over again? Like actually get to know each other and have a proper conversation instead of just bantering and fighting?”
“First of all, of course I consider you part of our friend group. Although yes, you annoy me most of the time.” Mina purses her lips. Momo would like to point out it was Mina who always started it, but she eats her words when Mina adds: “And yes I actually do want to fix our relationship and start all over again.”
“Cool.” Momo lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Cool. Cool.” She smiles. “See you tomorrow, Mina.” Then turns around, trying to hide her burning cheeks.
She’s about to walk out when Mina calls her again. “Momo.” She can listen to her call out her name so softly like that a million times. “I’m really glad you asked.”
This time when she turns around, it’s Mina who’s walking out.
But it’s alright because they have tomorrow. And tomorrow, they’ll have more fun together because it seems natural.
Tomorrow, they’ll be okay.
Jihyo knocks softly on her sister’s door. Her sister looks up at her, face brightening up at her mere presence. But her smile turns downward as soon as she senses something’s wrong. “What is it?” The worry in her voice is there.
“I have to tell you something.” Jihyo sits on her chair and asks her sister to come forward. She indulges her in a hug and smooches her cheeks. “But it’s top secret, and it’s important you won’t tell it to anyone.”
“Okay?”
“Pinky promise?” Jihyo raises her pinky finger. Her sister nods. “I’m gonna go somewhere far.”
“Okay, where to?” Seoyeon’s eyebrows furrow.
“Somewhere you can’t follow yet.” She massages the lines on her sister’s forehead.
“You’re gonna leave us?”
“Well,” Jihyo inhales sharply. She doesn’t want to put it like that, but it’s the truth. “Yes.”
“But I don’t want you to leave. Father will beat us.”
“No, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t do that.”
“How?”
“It doesn’t matter now, baby.” She kisses her forehead. “I’m gonna go far away with your Jeongyeon, Momo, Sana, and Chaeyoung unnie. Remember Chaeyoung? The girl who let you borrow her ipad?”
“Yeah, she’s nice and she drew me one time. I still have it in my drawer!”
“Yeah, they’re nice people. I’m gonna be with nice people. And you too.”
“What do you mean?” She pouts.
“When I leave, someone will take you and they’re gonna take care of you.”
“But what if I don’t want to?”
“I know you’re a brave girl, and I’m gonna tell you something only you and I can know. This may be heavy for a little girl like you but we can only rely on ourselves to survive. You can’t tell anyone because it’s our life on the line.” Jihyo tries to explain as gently as she can.
“You’re scaring me.” Seoyeon leans towards Jihyo more for protection.
She tries to hold back her tears as she brushes her sister’s hair, trying to comfort her. Seoyeon’s still a child even though she’s a tough one. She realizes how heavy this responsibility she’s passing to her sister is. But it’s all for their well-being. She does not want her to experience a world wherein love has no place. They deserve only the best of life, and it’s what Jihyo’s doing.
“Do you know why I’m always doing my best to protect you?”
“Because you’re my big sister?” She is too innocent for this world, Jihyo thinks.
“Well, there's a much deeper reason than that.” Jihyo places her hands on her sister’s shoulder and looks her in the eyes, preparing for what she’s gonna say next. “It’s because I love you.”
Those three words melt her heart. She regrets she’s only saying it now. It’s like the words waited too long to be freed. And now that it is, she could only feel rejoice. Like after years of winter solstice, the sun is finally here and she can finally enjoy summer, her favorite season.
Seoyeon gasps. “But that’s bad!” She whisper-shouts, afraid somebody’s gonna hear them.
“It’s not, Seoyeon. It’s the best thing in this world.” She tries to explain.
“But they say it can kill you. I don’t understand.” Seoyeon places the back of her hand on Jihyo’s neck, checking for her temperature. “Unnie, are you sick?”
“No, baby. I’ve never been better.” Jihyo holds Seoyeon’s small hands. “Love is the reason why you always let Jiyoung have the last bite of the cookie. It’s the reason why you always let her borrow your toys even though you know she’s gonna break it. It’s the reason why you forgive her for drawing on a homework you worked really hard on. It’s in everything you do Seoyeon-ah. Because you are a human being too.”
“Do you think father loves us?” Seoyeon asks with her head down.
Jihyo cups her sister’s cheeks and tilts her head upwards. “When people get their procedures done, they lose the ability to feel love in their hearts. The government does it to control people.”
“I wish they didn’t make him like that.”
Jihyo also wishes they didn’t witness all the traumatizing things her father has done. At such a young age, they both knew how ugly life can be.
“Don’t worry, you have all the love I can give. You and Jiyoung,” And she says it from the bottom of her heart.
“Are you gonna get your procedure too?” Seoyeon tries to hold back her tears.
“I’m not gonna let them take my love for you away. That’s why I’m going far away, Seoyeon. For you. For us.” Jihyo wipes her sister’s tears away.
“I trust you.” Seoyeon hugs Jihyo so tight she can feel her small but precious heart beating against her chest. “You’re gonna come back for us, right? You’re not gonna let us end up like father?”
“Of course I will come back for you and Jiyoung.” Jihyo can feel the tears threatening to fall from her eyes too. But she has to be strong in front of her sister. “I promise you, Seoyeon, I’m gonna give you the best life I could give.”
It’s the first time she sees her sister cry this hard. The girl’s having a hiccup, sobbing while wiping her own tears. Seoyeon was always rational. Always a thinker and not a feeler. But even though she’s mature, she is still a child after all. No child should be forced to act like an adult during their youth nor go through hardships that were not their fault.
She puts Seoyeon on her lap. She tries to shush her sobs while wiping her tears. At the top of her head, she plants the softest kiss, closing her eyes as she does so. Shutting off her tears as she does so.
“It’s been a long night, let’s get you to bed.” She carries her and lays Seoyeon on her bed carefully.
“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” Seoyeon looks at her with puppy eyes.
Her sister’s not clingy unlike their youngest one Jiyoung. Jihyo nods, scooting over and putting her arm under her sister’s head. “Do you want me to sing for you?”
Seoyeon nods.
Jihyo sings her the most beautiful melody. She makes the most out of it knowing she will never see her sister this vulnerable again. Every word that comes out of her soothing voice is filled with yearning.
She’s not gonna witness her sisters grow up, not even in pictures. She won’t be there to pick them up when they fall. She won’t be able to tend to their wounds anymore. And she won’t be able to fulfill her responsibility as the oldest.
Once you leave to live on your own, you won't ever return home. Even if you return, the atmosphere will not be the same. Your siblings will have their own lives. The warmth of your youth has sadly faded, and those fleeting moments will cause you to miss and long for what it really feels like to be home again.
There is an undeniable fear. What if she fails to fulfill her promise? What if she comes back for them too late? What if something bad happens to them?
There are so many uncertainties. Too many questions. But she knows unconditional love will always win. With that, she is certain. Love is not the “what ifs”; it’s the “even ifs”. She loves them so much she’ll do it even if it means risking herself to live in an uncharted territory far away from them. She loves her so much she’ll do it even if she’s afraid to do it herself.
But knowing she has her friends, it becomes easier to take the leap.
When Seoyeon’s already sound asleep, she slips off her arm carefully. Before she leaves the room, Jihyo looks at her sister one last time, trying to remember every detail of her face.
She closes the door and breaks down into uncontrollable tears.
Sky looms over them. They watch the sun set before their eyes, like it’s a symbol of something ending, like a chapter of their life ending. Everyone’s quiet. There were no words to speak of since they’ve already said everything they wanted in their song.
The fence they’ll be climbing tonight faces them, and twenty feet’s a little higher than they imagine. Doesn’t matter though, at least they’ll be together when they cross it.
They pass the take-out bibimbap Mina ordered for everyone as their last dinner together and quietly eat. With a knife, you can cut the thick tension around them. Everybody’s nervous, they can tell that much without speaking.
“Why do I feel like I’m at the last supper? We’re supposed to be enjoying our time together now that the day has come,” Jihyo says.
“I’m gonna miss this cliff.” Chaeyoung looks around and sighs.
“There’ll be more when we cross the borders. Don’t worry Chae, we'll find a new spot.” Nayeon gives her a reassuring smile.
Silence wins again over them. They finish their dinner and clean up. Sana approaches Dahyun and smiles at her. She wraps her arm around her shoulders and the other girl tiptoes to give her a kiss on the cheek, saying everything’s gonna be fine.
Jihyo gathers them all in the center and forms a circle. “Don’t forget your bags, everyone. Dress warmly. Make sure you have everything you need. Food. Water. Blanket. Matches. Flashlights. Batteries. Everything. We can’t mess up,” Jihyo reminds them. She ruffles their hair one by one. “We can do this.”
“I believe in us.” Chaeyoung smiles.
“Right. We’re the perfect team for this. No troll left behind.” Momo nods.
“C’mere.” Jihyo pulls them in a tight group hug.
“We’re still gonna see each other later, Jihyo. After that, we’re all gonna be with each other forever. Don’t be too sappy.” Mina’s the first one to pull out of the hug, not really a fan of being sentimental.
“Don’t make this sound like a goodbye, Jihyo. I’m not saying goodbye to all of you ‘cuz we’ll still be together after this.” Sana pinches Jihyo’s side.
“I’m not saying this is a goodbye! God, I just wanted to hug all of you before we cross the borders.” Jihyo glares at her. “When we cross, let’s enjoy our time together and live life to the fullest. Let’s visit the river. Let’s hike some mountains. Let me be in your life and let’s be friends until the end of time.”
Everybody agrees. They give each other a hug and a pat in the back, reminding themselves that they’re the perfect team forever.
“Okay enough with you, we still have to prepare for later.”
The group looks one last time at the cliff, at the sky, and with that, they all silently whisper goodbye to the life they’re gonna leave behind. Family. Memories. And to some, wealth. But life is a series of choices. And you must face it with people who truly care about you. So today, they’re choosing each other. Today, they walk hand in hand as the rest of the world walks out on them.
Sana waves at Nayeon as she enters her own house. She makes sure she has everything she needs and double, triple checks it again.
When she’s satisfied her clumsy hasn’t forgotten something, she decides to fold origami paper cranes to pass time instead. Honestly, she doesn’t know why she still continues to do this. She already got Dahyun and everything she could ever ask for.
She stops at the 999th paper crane. With a satisfied smile, she puts it neatly inside the box and closes it. She won’t need the 1000th crane anymore because with her life, she is content and she doesn’t desire anymore than what she has right now.
When she looks up, she sees she still has fifteen minutes. At exactly ten pm, she will leave and she will meet her friends at the cliff. After that, they will all hike to the fence where invalid fake guards are waiting for them. And then they will climb the twenty foot tall fence and journey to the wilds where a community will welcome them warmly.
Sana checks their group chat. She sees Jihyo reminding them once again about everything they should bring. And then Mina and Momo fighting over distilled and tap water.
Ten minutes until time. Her heartbeat goes feral.
Five minutes. Her feet are planted heavily on the ground, but she can feel her knees shaking.
One minute. She heads for the door and holds onto the doorknob tightly. She inhales sharply, willing her lungs to function properly.
At exactly ten pm, she opens the door.
At exactly ten pm, the speaker turns on, amplifying the voice in the entire street loud and clear.
“Attention, this is a raid, everyone step out of their house and make sure you have your documents. Please do not resist and do as you are commanded,” the regulator says.
“,” Sana whispers. There weren't supposed to be raids tonight. Raids occur only during the first fridays of the month. It’s the last week now. Hell it’s not even Friday.
Nobody was prepared for this. Nobody warned them. This isn’t happening. They will cross the borders today… They will leave today… They need to leave today because tomorrow’s Dahyun’s procedure, and it’ll take another month for a portion of the fence to power down.
This can’t be happening.
She sees that Nayeon’s house is empty and all the lights are off. There’s no Nayeon waiting for the regulators outside.
This can’t be happening.
The first thing that pops up to her mind is to text her friends for help. But when she opens their group chat, Jihyo has already deleted everything. The only message in there was “Don’t.” before Jihyo removed all of them in the group chat.
Her neighbors open their door one by one, confused by the random raids ruining their supposed rest time. Quickly, Sana turns her heels and runs to her room.
She throws her bag outside of her window so the regulators won’t see it and suspect her. She gets her documents in her drawer and tries to calm herself. Dogs can smell fear of the invalids and the uncured. They’re trained like that. And Sana cannot, for the life of her, afford to get caught.
She steps outside her house, waiting for the regulator normally just like how her neighbors do. By the time the regulators arrive at her footstep, she already mastered the poker face and calmed her heart.
Like usual, the regulators ask for her identification number and Sana replies without stuttering. “199601202904”
She stands straight like a soldier as the dog sniffs her. The regulator squints his eyes at her and snatches Sana’s document. Sana can hear the threatening growl of the dog and holds her breath. She can feel fear starting to boil at the pit of her stomach and she’s one inconvenience away from having a complete mental breakdown in front of everyone else to see.
The regulator eyes her, checking her from head to toe. He leans closer to her and checks if there’s a three-pronged scar at the back of her left ear, a scar for the cured. When he sees there’s nothing, he checks for her documents once again.
The frown’s erased when he sees the last part of her folder. “I see you’re paired with the governor’s son.”
“Yes,” Sana croaks out. She has always hated when people refer to her as that. As if it was the greatest thing that has ever happened in her entire life and it should define her as a person. Because getting paired with the governor’s son was such a big deal. “Yes I am.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” The regulator returns her document. “199601202904 clear,” he says on the radio.
She may hate being called Junmyeon's pair but right now, she doesn't hate the privileges that come with it. So this is how it feels like when you get away with everything. The feeling’s completely foreign, this impunity that comes purely out of a powerful name. She wishes her friends have it tonight too, this impunity. Especially Nayeon who seems to be the target of everyone tonight.
When they look at the house in front of her, all of the regulators are already having a meeting outside Nayeon’s house. The police are combing through the house for any sign and clues which Sana could also use right now.
Where did Nayeon go?
Is she safe?
Sana has to make sure she is. And Dahyun. And Momo. And all of them. She has to make sure they’re all okay and they’ll still cross the border after this. And then they’ll live freely just like how they planned. A single stepback won’t ruin their life, right? Dahyun’s scheduled procedure tomorrow will not push through because somehow they will manage to escape.
Right?
Sana’s thoughts are racing, but she’s pulled back to reality when a regulator shows up in front of her again. “Do you have any contact with Im Nayeon, the girl living in front of your house?”
“No,” Sana says weakly. She shrugs the nervousness in her body and replies. This time her voice is much clearer, more believable. “No, she doesn’t have a phone.” It’s the truth, but why does it feel like she’s lying?
“How did you know that?”
“I… I don’t–”
The regulator snatches her phone from her and Sana couldn’t protest because during raid nights, human rights basically do not exist. She can feel her heart beating loudly against her chest as the regulator checks her contacts.
Her eyes widen when she sees her friends aren’t on the contacts list anymore. All that’s left is her mother, Junmyeon and magically, and the governor. She didn’t have it before.
When the regulator opens her messages app, every convo with her friends is gone and replaced with fake convos with her mother.
Somebody hacked her phone. Somebody on their side. Maybe Suzy?
The regulator still didn’t look satisfied. But there’s no trace of Nayeon in her phone so he returns it. “If she ever contacts you in any way, please report back to me.” He leaves her his card.
It took a while for the regulators to leave. Sana’s watching them behind her drawn curtains, trying to make out what they’re talking about but to no avail.
Finally after almost half an hour, they leave the streets of Sana’s neighborhood. She turns on her phone, checking for a message that will never come. But she still waits for it.
What she is about to do is stupid. But nonetheless, important. She couldn’t just leave Nayeon alone the way she did when her parents were taken to the crypts. Sana has always regretted doing that.
So even though it’s dangerous and there’s no guarantee, she decides to find Nayeon not minding if it’s past curfew already.
Sana jumps out of her window and retrieves her backpack. There is no concrete plan. Just a goal. Still, she continues.
She decides she’ll start at the cliff, hoping to see her there.
In the middle of the night, the moon was the only thing giving her light. The streetlamps are already off and she cannot use a flashlight because somebody might see her.
So close. She’s so close to getting to the woods she just has to cross the street. Looking left and right, making sure nobody’s around before doing so. When she’s sure it’s safe, she runs like a thief.
But a police car doing rounds catches her.
. . . She’s ed.
The siren deafens her and the headlights capture her like a deer running in front of a car. Her entire body freezes and she cannot move a muscle to escape as fast as she could.
She could’ve lost them in the woods. She knows it better than anyone in the town.
But no, she cannot find it in herself to move no matter how much she wills herself to. It was like her body automatically gave up.
“What are you doing outside?! It’s past curfew already.” The policeman slams the door shut.
He takes Sana by her collar and the way he looks at her sparks a new kind of fear Sana has never felt before.
This time, her freezing body melts into a lava of emotions. So much so her body starts shaking and she can barely stand up. The only thing keeping her from dropping on the ground’s the police half carrying her.
“I… I– Sir, you don’t understand. Please let me explain– Please,” Sana begs for her life.
“Explain yourself when we arrive at the station.” He cuffs Sana and shoves her inside the police car.
Sana hits her head on the door so hard she can feel the world revolving around her. She opens her eyes widely and can see the surroundings swirling around her. But that doesn’t stop her.
“Sir, please. You can’t do this. I was just…” Sana can hear a piercing noise through her ears and it hurts her. She forgets what she’s supposed to say.
“Please, sir. Let me escape just this once and I promise I won’t do it again. I’m a good citizen.”
She doesn’t know when or how she started screaming, shouting, crying. But by the time she sees the station coming closer, she’s already banging and kicking the door. Red circles are starting to form around her wrist as she uses the handcuffs in an attempt to smash the window. Desperate to escape.
The policeman doesn’t utter a word. Once again, he grabs the collar of Sana’s shirt, calling another policeman for help as Sana aggressively tries to shake them off.
Sana screams so loud when they enter the station everyone stops and stares at her. “No!” She shouts at the policeman. “No you can’t do this to me!” feels rough from all the shouting.
“Shut the up.” The policeman throws her inside one of the cells.
Sana’s face hits the cold ground. The piercing noise in her ear won’t stop ringing. The cell’s small, but it was big enough to instill trepidation in Sana’s mind. Sana remembers Murphy’s law and starts trembling. She pushes herself up even though her body can barely support her weight.
Sana lets her body collide with the bar and grips her thin fingers around it. Her prominent cheekbones feel forbidding against the bars. Knees press flat on the bare floor and tears escape her tired eyes. “Please, let me out.”
feels rough and sore from all the shouting. She uses all her remaining energy to speak; her voice still comes out weak and desperate. “Dahyun.”
She closes her eyes and tears run down her face like they’re on a marathon. She scratches the padlock keeping her inside the cell multiple times and tries to destroy it but she’s not strong enough. Sana screams again. She weeps nonstops as she kicks the sturdy bars that didn’t even bulge. She shakes it with all her might, but still, she’s locked up inside.
“You have to let me out,” Sana extends her hand to the passing policeman. He flicks them off and glares at her.
“You don’t understand. I have to save her.” Sana pleads, rubbing her palms together while kneeling to them like they’re god. “I have to save them.”
Nayeon. Jeongyeon. Momo. Jihyo. Mina. Chaeyoung. Tzuyu. And Dahyun.
Oh Dahyun.
She can’t let Dahyun have her procedure tomorrow.
She will never forgive herself.
She will die if that happens. She will go insane.
“Shut your damn mouth.” the policeman hisses and points a finger at her.
Fear registers to her first and then helplessness. Eyes wide. Tear-stained cheeks. Lips quivering. She covers her face with her crooked and bony fingers then slowly resigns herself against the wall for support.
“I need to get out,” she bumps her head lightly. “I can’t stay here.” bumps it again harder than before.
A police officer watches her with a smirk on her face, enjoying the view of Sana.
“The governor knows me. Please. Call him. He knows me. He will get me out of here. Please.”
Sana uses her last resort. She didn’t really want anything to do with them, but she knows it’s the only way out.
She realizes everything that'll happen if she doesn't get out there.
Nayeon and Jeongyeon won’t be able to love each other anymore.
Tzuyu will never get to tell Chaeyoung how she really feels.
Mina and Momo will never be able to start all over again.
Jihyo will never be able to give her sister the best life she could give.
Dahyun will be having her procedure and she won’t remember the love she has for Sana.
Sana would have to live with guilt for ruining everything.
She hugs her knees and rocks herself back and forth, her thin shoulders shaking because of her sobs. She calls out the name of all her friends quietly and whispers silent apologies to each and everyone of them.
Head in hands, she notices that the warm liquid streaming down her face isn't only tears but also blood from hitting her head on the car’s door when the policeman shoves her. She screams out all her frustrations and anger, hitting the back of her head on the wall continuously.
Why did it have to be like this?
Why did it have to keep hurting?
Why does the pain never stop?
Why is she such a failure?
She was supposed to protect her friends and not bring them into any trouble. She promised Suzy she’ll protect what they have. But she failed. She failed so badly now their lives are all ruined because of her.
A policeman opens the cell. Sana crawls to him slowly and begs him to get her out. Her shaking hands meet his shoes and Sana kneels in front of him. Her lips almost kiss the cold floor touching her forehead. Tears still stream down her face.
“Please let me go just this once.” She sobs. “The governor knows me. I swear. I’m paired with his son Kim Junmyeon. I have proof in my house.”
“Keep the governor’s name out of your filthy mouth,” The policeman says with such spite “And how many times have I told you to keep your ing mouth shut?”
The policeman hits the back of her head with a gun with such brute force.
Before completely blacking out, she hears some policemen talking.
“They finally caught that Im Nayeon .”
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah, she’s finally locked up in the crypts just like what she deserved.”
It’s the last time Sana hears before losing consciousness.
They were so close to having their happy ending.
#
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