JINKI

Lee Jaeyoung is one-year-old already.

As I walk Jae through my parents' living room putting him to sleep, and if I can be completely honest, I feel very proud to be able to tell everyone that I have a son. Every time he leaned his little head back to look at me, already about to fall asleep like now, I can see myself reflected in the autumn color of his bright eyes and it completely melted me. His gaze was somehow identical to yours, angel, as if in another life, he had been you. I loved the way his eyes smiled when he saw me arrive, when we were together or when he was about to fall asleep, because perhaps he felt happy and safe by my side, because Jae recognized who I was, who owned the voice that spoke to him since he was in your womb. His small body is warm no matter what season it was, as were his hands that seemed to blindly reach for his stuffed rabbit that he grew up with since he was born. The sound of his voice was magic, and even though he hadn't spoken his first words yet, I was eager to hear him call me Dad.

Jae is one-year-old, he is learning to walk and although he has some teeth, he still needs to drink milk to keep growing. But it is now when I think of him and you that I realized how generous life had been to me, and how it had given me what I thought I would never have for myself: a family. My love for you two didn't seem to fit in my chest, but it was able to fill the world and make me feel like the luckiest person to ever walk the earth. Because the way we were able to overcome difficulties and get back together was what made me believe that we would be a family forever, as long as there were no third parties getting in our way. However, a deep fear suddenly overwhelmed me, the feeling of having to hide the truth from you so as not to hurt you.

But wouldn't I be hurting you by hiding the truth from you?

"Jinki, dinner is ready." You say, standing in the doorway that connect the living room to the dining room. "Do you want me to hold him while you eat?"

"It's fine like this, angel." I walk over to where you are to head to the dining room, the place where my parents place the last dishes before we sit around the table. "You can eat first."

"Look how much you've grown." My mom smiles. "A few years ago you were afraid of babies and now you don't want to share your son with your wife."

"Our son." You say laughing. “I had him in my womb for 9 months.”

Unintentionally, my dirty mind is faster than me, and even though at another time, perhaps in the privacy of our home, I would have told a dirty joke about how we made the baby, now I just laugh. However, you seem to read my mind clearly, and your hand squeeze my thigh to silence me, causing my laughter to get stuck in my throat.

As we share a knowing look, Mom keeps talking without noticing anything.

“Do you have plans for tonight? We could take care of Jae another day.”

"Thanks for looking after him last night, by the way." You say with some embarrassment, although deep down you know that you could count on my parents to take care of the baby. “This month we are doing a lot of work in the company and I know I can count on you at any time. It has been a bit difficult for me to accept that Jae will need a babysitter.”

"Don't worry, darling, you know that's what grandparents are for." Dad smiles, giving you the confidence to keep asking for their help whenever we needed it. “And how is the hiring of personnel for the new hospital going? Your dad told me that it's almost time to open it."

"Actually, yes…" You say proudly, though I know you were still shy on the subject. “My friends and partners, with whom we did this project... we are very excited about it. My brother Jeremy is studying to be a doctor and he is thinking of doing his internship there once it opens. We have got the best doctors and I think it will be a very good thing, especially for those who do not have access to a decent medical system. This is something that excites me a lot.”

You smile like a little girl, and I can't be more proud of you, angel. So, without realizing it, my hand caresses your cheek as I push a strand of your hair behind your ear, because I know you loved those little acts of affection.

"We're so proud of you, darling." My mom says. “We are glad to hear that you are both doing so well and are so happy together.”

Mom gives me a quick glance, and I know instantly that she is talking about the news that was still surfing the internet. For my part, it makes me shift in my chair uncomfortably, and Jae seems to notice as he shifted in his sleep.

“Yes…” You clear your throat. “I think that despite our schedules, Jinki and I are making it work.”

I nodd.

“Now that my comeback is already over, SHINee will have a few weeks off so we'll be home more. Juliette can work from there some days so we will spend more time together with Jae and Gahul.”

"Glad to hear that, son." My dad agrees. “Work is important but family is even more so, without it we are nothing. But you already know that, don't you?"

"Of course." You smile at him. "But I think it's good that you remind us from time to time."

Breakfast goes normally from there, but as I listen to you talk, I realized that we still hadn't talked about the news that I was sure had made you feel, according to Sam, just uncomfortable. But I know you better than that, angel, and I know that behind your calm and silence, there was an insecurity that I didn't want you to feel and that I wanted to erase completely. However, time seemed to be against us and had put us in different places these last few weeks, and between my trips to Japan and your late nights in your office, we hadn't sat down to talk about anything because we were always with somebody else.

A few hours later Jae is awake and playing in your arms as I put his and Gahul's things into the car, ready to head home to get ready before the boys' visits. Until then, we have a few hours to rest in bed, and talk about everything we had missed about each other in these weeks.

"We love you!" Mom waves from the door, saying goodbye to us as we get into the car.

"We love you too, mom." I answer back, finally driving down the street.

The midday is warm, and Gahul seems to enjoy it as he puts his nose out the half-open window. In the rearview mirror, I see you playing with Jae on your lap, hiding the stuffed rabbit behind you for him to look for. I love the way you play with him, because you actually do it every day before and after work. Somehow we had made it work, angel: this complicated life that we had to live and that was finally in order, allowing us to enjoy our company and our baby.

But as I swallow hard, I feel a lump in my throat at the thought of the news that still hadn't disappeared despite the explanation Hyemi and I had given to the media. That feeling in my stomach is heavy as if it were made of lead, and I feel that it would not leave me alone until I told you what had really happened.

"Jinki... Can I ask you a question?"

You look at me through the mirror.

"Of course, angel."

"Do you think we like to make babies?"

"What?" I laugh in surprise, but you thoughtfully pout and your expression stay the same.

"I don't know, it's just... it's something someone told me."

I think about it, I wonder about it, and I wonder again with curiosity if this was the way you asked me to have another baby, and although I am open to the idea, I consider the factors and concluded that it is not time yet and you know it as well as I did.

“Well, if I'm being honest… I like the process of making a baby. I like it a lot actually.”

You chuckle.

"I know, I'm there when it happens."

I chuckle again.

"Who told you that? Because it's not like we have a lot of them."

“I don't know...” Out of the corner of my eye, I see you shrug, casually. "I think some people think that we are going to have several children, that's all."

"And we won't?" I ask you with real sadness, because I was excited by the idea of having another baby.

"Hey, I'm not a baby-making machine." You laugh. “My body is still recovering from childbirth.”

“But I can help you with that, angel. You know that I love to make your body feel very good.”

My comment makes you laugh, and even if you don't admit it out loud, I see that you blush slightly.

"I'll keep that in mind."

20 minutes later we get home.

I open the garage door and drive the car inside, turning off the engine to get out of it and help you down. With the door open, you get out of the car keeping Jae against your waist, Gahul following close behind. As you walk toward the entrance that connects the garage to the living room, I take Jae's backpack and walk behind you until I finally caught up with you in the living room, where you sit Jae down on the gray velvet rug to play with the toys scattered around everywhere.

From behind, I snake my arms around your waist, pulling you towards me to hold you in a way I feel like I hadn't in a long time. You love it, I know it in the way you laugh and came to me like a magnet, resting your cheek against me when I rest my chin on your shoulder.

"I love you."

You sigh.

"I love you too."

"Can you give me a kiss?"

You turn away, still in my arms, because I wasn't about to let you go soon, or ever.

"All the kisses you want."

I can't help but smile as you approach me, closing the distance between us with a kiss that makes me feel how much you love me. We know that there is no need to say I love you back to know that we love the other, but it is nice to hear that word from your lips before kissing you, because that makes me feel like the most powerful person on the planet. It is as if I have everything, as if I can be capable of everything by your side.

But the moment is short-lived, because suddenly I feel a tug on my pants. I break away from you and look down, only to see Jae hugging my leg, babbling words I didn't understand.

“Why is it every time I try to kiss your mom you get in the way? Are you jealous that she loves me more?"

"Hey..." You warn me laughing, and Jae laughed too. "Don't make me choose between you and him."

"Because you would choose him and not me?" I try to sound sad but the idea makes me smile, and as I reach down to pick Jae up in my arms, I realize that I know that being a mother had changed your life, and therefore you would always put him first. “Why don't we try to have a girl so that she loves me more? That way we would be tied.”

You look at me suspiciously.

“Do you want to have another baby or do you want to make another baby?”

"Both." I lean in for a kiss before walking over to the sofa, sitting on the largest one with Jae in my lap.

But since he is at that stage where he can't sit still, he quickly get off my legs and sit back on the rug, playing with all the toys that are within his reach. As you sit next to me to watch him, I realize that my members and your best friends had filled him with all the toys they could buy, so many that we had to donate many as he grew. However, the only thing he didn't seem to let go of was the stuffed rabbit I got him before Jae was born, which he carried everywhere.

"We have a good life, don't we?" You ask suddenly, still focused on Jae.

“The best, why?”

“I don't know… I just...” You shrugg and rest your head against my shoulder. “Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have everything I have now after… feeling so lost in the world for so long. When I wake up, it always takes me a few seconds to realize where I am, but when I see you two next to me, I have this feeling that I have too much.”

"I think we got what we deserve, angel." I take your hand and held it in your lap. “We have Jae, we have Gahul, our parents, our family and friends. We were apart for so long that I think it's only fair that we have everything we have now; don't you think so?"

"You're right." You smile at me. "Why are you always so smart?"

I smile wickedly.

"I think I deserve a reward for that, don't you?" I say, and you chuckle as I switch places and towered over you, both of us laying on the couch with me on top of you. “How about we play a little bit too?”

“Do you want to traumatize your son for life? Because I do not."

"He's still too young to notice what mommy and daddy do." I say, breathing against your neck at the same time that my hand makes its way to your waist to push up your sweater and your t-shirt underneath. I feel your breath quicken as you settled back against the couch, but your body reacts to my touch, begging for more. “Do you want me to stop, angel?”

"I think not."

Your warm hands close around my cheeks to guide me to you, connecting our lips in a deep kiss that makes you moan softly. My body fall on yours in the places that I was dying to feel you, without any piece of clothing getting in my way, but apparently life has other plans for us, because just a few seconds later, the doorbell of our home rings breaking the moment.

I growl in disappointment.

"How about we pretend we're not here?"

You laugh at my words as I stand up.

"I think it's too late for that. But aren't they supposed to come later?"

“I think they don't know how to read a clock or they ruined our moment on purpose.”

I turn away from you and walk to the door, opening it to receive our guests. Sam and Minho arrive first with Kibum, then Jonghyun and Dani 5 minutes later with bags of food, and finally Taemin. When we are all together, everyone take a seat on the sofas that form a square around Jae, who enjoys the visits more than me as I help you to distribute the food on plates before putting them on the table in the dinning room, at the same time that I prepare the milk for my baby.

But without realizing it, I keep complaining about the interruption and you noticed it.

"Why so grumpy, love?" You laugh patting my , pacing back and forth across the salmon-colored-walled kitchen.

“Couldn't they have arrived 30 minutes later? I feel like they ruined our moment and they don't even know it."

You frown, giving me an amused look.

"I see someone is not happy because he couldn't take off his clothes."

"Yah." I laugh with embarrassment, although in our privacy, I was not shy. "Don't make fun of me. Besides, I'm going to wait for them to leave so I can have you all to myself. And at that time, I'm going to take off my clothes... and yours."

"I can not wait." You smile slightly as you place a kiss on my lips before walking into the dining room.

In the opposite direction, I walk into the living room with the bottle in hand.

“Yes, but… when we meet like this I feel lonely. I will feed my baby!” Kibum groans, and a second later he crosses the room and takes Jae into his arms, taking the bottle from me on the way back to his seat. "He will fill the void that blows in my heart."

The others laugh as Kibum snuggles up to him on the sofa, sitting him against his chest like an expert.

"Perhaps Juliette could introduce you to a friend." I say as I sat on one of the sofas, but as I turn to see you walk up to where I am, I see that you have your attention on your phone and whatever is on it. "That worked out well with Minho and Jong, right, angel?"

“Huh? Yes. Yes. Although the truth…” You laugh sheepishly as you put the phone in your pants pocket, sitting on the armrest next to me. “I am short of friends and I have exhausted my resources with Sam and Dani. I'm really sorry, Kibum."

Knowing how well Minho and Jong had done with your bestfriends, Kibum look disappointed at your words.

"Wait... I could introduce you to someone." Dani suddenly smiles, drawing everyone's attention. “There is a very pretty girl who worked with me when I was modeling in Paris. Next week she's coming to visit and I could introduce her to you. She is beautiful, very intelligent and very nice. If all goes well she will stay in Seoul with her brother to work, and if not, well… you don't lose anything and you could actually earn a lot.”

"I like the idea." Kibum nods, leaning in so his cheek is against Jae's. "Thanks, Dani."

"No problem." Dani smiles, and Jong winks at her, as if she had done a good job of matchmaking. "Now let's eat, I'm starving."

With Jae in his arms, Kibum and the others stand up to go to the dining room. Behind the oval table, there is a large glass door that divides the room from the backyard, the place where Gahul can run and play all he wanted. An amber light shone over us that is warm, and I love the way our home is filled with laughter and jokes, the way we share moments and memories, the way we become one big family.

As night fell, they all went home and again it is just the 4 of us under the diamond sky. With Jae in my arms, we go up the stairs to the second floor, walking down the hall to the back room where the master bedroom is. The times we wanted to feel him close, Jae slept in a bed next to ours with a bunch of pillows that he loved to stack.

"Do you want me to put him to sleep?" You ask as you sit up in the bed, taking off your sweater to change into something more comfortable. "You just got here last night and you haven't rested at all, Jinki."

"I'm fine, angel." I smile as I continue to rock Jae in my arms, and although I am too lazy to change his clothes, I am relieved that what he was wearing is also fit for him to sleep comfortably tonight. "You can get ready for bed, I'll put him in his bed in a moment."

You walk around the room doing your thing as I focus on Jae who is clutching my shirt moments before falling asleep. His hair is pinned up at the top, like an apple as Jonghyun used to call it. As I walk from here to there, I am surprise at how easy it was to get the idea that I was going to be a father before Jae was born, and how easy it was to hold him against me when he was born. I wonder if this feeling was experienced by every parent before and after childbirth, and I came to the conclusion that it was. However, I felt that something wasn't letting me be happy completly, and then I realized that you and I hadn't talked about how things happened with Hyemi yet.

A moment later, I put Jae down on his bed, laying him on his side so he can hug his stuffed rabbit. I cover them both with a blanket and go back to our bed where you were already under the covers. At the foot of my side of the bed, I take off my shirt to change my clothes.

“Uf... bedtime show? I'm lovin 'it." You chuckle as you lay on your right side, watching me closely. "Please go on, don't get distracted."

Playing, I throw my shirt at you.

"I thought I was the only one excited about finally being alone."

"Hey, you're not the only one who likes the process of making a baby, you know?"

I laugh.

"Does that mean I can take my pants off too?"

"If you don't do it, I will."

I enjoy the way things flow between us, so romantic at times, and other times it was funny and yet so natural, so I aggressively take off my pants, and although I almost tripped over it in the process, it was a hit as I fall into bed next to you. With you beneath me, I kiss your lips as I spread your legs with my body, running my hands over yours to hold you close after several weeks away. I know I should take some time to talk about what was going on between us, but it feel so good to be inside you, so for the rest of the night, I forget about the rest of the world.

Hello. New chapter here and I hope you like it. Please tell me what you think because the truth is that these weeks I have thought that the story is not very good, but even so I will continue with it because I love it very much, and I hope you do too. Thank you!