Flashback to 2014

 

Taeyeon was the first one to know about Jessica’s gender dysphoria. And she was confused at first, because she’s korean and also, it was way back in 2014, lgbt are still not widely known or accepted yet. But she knows that Jessica likes girls, because apparently, she also likes girls.

 

And they both were ( for Jessica it is) crushing on the same girl. Tiffany. And instead of beefing with each other, they decided to become buddies and best buddies exactly after they found out that she’s dating Nickhun.

 

Jessica started to have gender dysphoria after he became an idol. Seeing how people expect him to showcase his body, the body that he hates, makes him sick. He also knows about shipping. And people always make him the one wearing skirts, the female, the bottom and he hates it. He always thought that the only way for people not to think of him in that way is to become a fully man.

 

But he was in a girls group. And it was possible. So he just shrugged it off in the first place because he did everything to achieve this. To become an idol is not easy and he didn’t want his efforts to go in vain. But it all changed after Tiffany started dating Nickhun.

 

He likes, no, maybe loves Tiffany that much. But Tiffany doesn’t like girls. She likes men. And that is okay. Because he is a man.

 

——

 

“You’re a what?”

 

Taeyeon asked, she has never heard the word that Jessica uttered before.

 

“I’m a transgender” 

 

Jessica pronounced the word transgender in english.

 

“What is that?”

 

Taeyeon asked again, but not in a rude way, more like in a curious little kid way. She asked it while looking confused and slightly tilting her head. Jessica wants to squeal on how cute she was.

 

“Well, it means I’m not a woman”

 

“Then, what are you?”

 

“A man?”

 

“Man?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Oh like you don’t like being a woman and want to be a man instead?”

 

“Yeah..... like that?”

 

“Oh oh, okay then...”

 

Taeyeon nods, slowly.

 

“Wait, transgender is the T in lgbt right?”

 

She suddenly remembered the term Jessica always used.

 

“Ah yes that!”

 

“Oh, So you’re not a lesbian anymore?”

 

“Hmmm not maybe? Because now that I’m a transgender, which means a trans man, which also means that I’m a man and I like women so I’m now, a straight man?”

 

“Oh, okay”

 

Then both of them went silent. Taeyeon suddenly frowned, Jessica was scared, afraid that it suddenly dawned on Taeyeon about how he’s suddenly denied his gender.

 

“It’s late, I think we should go to sleep”

 

Oh

 

Jessica was kinda disappointed because Taeyeon kinda just shrugged it off.

 

“Oh okay, goodnight Taengoo”

 

“Goodnight”

 

For the first time, Taeyeon didn’t say ‘Goodnight Sooyeonie’.

 

——

 

Taeyeon avoided him afterwards. Because everytime Jessica went near her she suddenly said she had something to do. She is also on her phone a lot and keeps hiding something from Jessica.

 

It made him sad, a lot. Because he thought he could trust her. But no

 

——

 

Taeyeon did everything she can to know more about transgender. And Jessica’s birthday was coming soon and she thought it would be a good idea to give him something.

 

Taeyeon caught Jessica frowning at his countless times. And how he never revealed his chest much when at the dorm. And everytime his chest needs to be shown, he will avoid looking at it in the mirror.

 

Taeyeon knew what’s up. She read about how, most of female at birth transgender hate their . So she did a little research.

 

She read about how to start transitioning. Transmen usually will take testosterone to start transitioning. But it will change their voice, they will also grow more hairy. That was not really a good thing for Jessica, who was still an idol. Also he needs to inject the testosterone into his body using needles. And Taeyeon knows, he’s afraid of it.

 

She then read that sometimes, there is no need to take testosterone to start transitioning. And Taeyeon was glad. She doesn’t want him to face needles every week for years, even though it’s good for him. He still can be a man without extra hormones anyway.

 

Then she found out about top surgery. When she found out about it she wanted to tell Jessica about it on the spot but then she remembered that Jessica is a girls group member. And he is also known for having a nice chest. So removing it.... Was basically a bad idea.

 

But, she then found out about binder. Binder can make Jessica hide his chest so she went through lots of websites to get it. And by getting it, she went and bought lots of binder for Jessica. Because he is Jessica. Being a man won’t get rid of the fact that he likes to have lots of things he adores. Like his blazers for example. He can just have one black blazer but no he has like a whole wardrobe full of it with different colours. Some even have the same colours.

 

And Taeyeon knows it will be the same with the binders. So she practically bought all colours to ever exist. And lots of white so that he can wear it with his white outfits.

 

She then read about how trans usually will change their pronoun and name. It’s so hard to use Male pronouns on Jessica because they're the same age, so Taeyeon cannot call him oppa. But then she can give him a new name.

 

Because she knows Jessica at it. 

 

And so, she had a name for him. Jung Jaeyeon. Why Jaeyeon? Mostly because it rhymes with Taeyeon. Also it sounds like both of them are twins, and she knows how much Jessica likes it when people say that him and Taeyeon are twins. 

 

So, she had decided that on Jessica’s birthday, she will give him two things, binders and a new name.

 

——

 

The rest of Girls’ Generation were celebrating Jessica’s birthday. And he was finally happy. Because of Taeyeon’s avoidance of him, he’s been really sad lately. But it all went away when Tiffany was the first one to greet him, with her eye smile and a little peck on his cheek. He thought his soul already ascended to heaven.

 

They all gave him presents, except Taeyeon. And it made him sad again.

 

——

 

Taeyeon saw how Jessica deflected when she said she didn’t get him any presents. And it pained her, but he needs to wait. Because she knows that Jessica will mostly cry at her gifts, so he needed to wait till everyone was asleep first.

 

——

 

Because he was so sad, he went to sleep early that day. But his sleep was interrupted by Taeyeon.

 

“Yah, wake up”

 

“Hnnn no” Jessica whined

 

“Come on, Jung, wake up”

 

Hearing the name Jung, Jessica snapped his eyes open.

 

“Why did you call me Jung?” she asked with a confused plus a slight, sad tone.

 

Taeyeon just chuckled at that.

 

“Come on, I want to give you, your present”

 

“Present?” He hurriedly  went to change from his lying position to sitting position.

 

“But you said you didn’t get me one” He pouts.

 

Taeyeon laughed, glad that Sooyoung was still outside in the living room, watching television.

 

“Ofcourse I get you presents Jung, it was a lie, I’m sorry”

 

She then went closer to him to give him a hug, which he quickly reciprocated. They haven’t hugged for weeks.

 

“Why are you calling me a Jung”

 

“Just because”

 

“Do you hate me?”

 

“Wha— no of course not”

 

“You avoided me for three weeks, and you lied about not giving me presents, and you even called me Jung”

 

His eyes was b with tears, he’s been very emotional lately, and thinking about how Taeyeon possibly hates him for being a transgender broke him.

 

“I know, I’m sor—“

 

He then released himself from the hug and asked him in choked tears.

 

“Do— do you hate me now? Is it because I said I want to be a man? I’m sorry Taeyeon, I— I won’t say it again, please don’t leave me. I— I  will forget about being a trans please, please don’t—“

 

His face was full of tears and it broke Taeyeon. She didn’t know that her avoidance made him like this. And she regretted doing so. She then quickly pulled him back into her arms.

 

“No— Jung list—“

 

“There you g—“ He hiccuped 

 

“Calling me Jung again”

 

“Okay, Sooyeonie, listen to me please”

 

She rubbed his back and then proceeded to lie down on her back while pulling him, making him lie on top of her. Jessica likes lying around, so by doing so will calm him down. She then adjusted him to make his head was in the crook of her neck. She then gently went through his hair. I wonder what it’s like for him to have short hair

 

“So?”

 

Taeyeon was so lost in thought about Jessica with short hair that she went quiet for a few minutes.

 

“Oh sorry”

 

She snapped out of it

 

“Okay Sooyeon, listen to me. I accept you for being a transgender okay. Or the correct term is transman. I’m sorry that I avoided you. I know it seems like I was uncomfortable with your new identity but it’s not it. I was just busy searching about transgender and I want to surprise you, that’s why I always avoid you when you’re near me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think that being a transman is bad”

 

Jessica has stopped crying, because that made sense. It’s totally something that Taeyeon will do, but something is also bothering him.

 

“But why are you calling me a Jung”

 

“Oh that hahahaha”

 

“What”

 

“I also read that sometimes transgender person doesn’t like their birth name. Especially if it’s gendered like a name. Like yours, Jessica and Sooyeon are both women’s names. So I think calling you Jung is better, I don’t want to offend you”

 

Jessica raised his head to stare at Taeyeon. He didn’t believe that Taeyeon was so thoughtful. He didn’t even think about a name.

 

“And also, I just think that, it’s a good thing to uh, you know”

 

“I don’t think I know”

 

“God you’re annoying, I mean, I have thought of a suitable name for you, as your birthday present. Well one of your birthday presents”

 

Jessica’s eyes widened.

 

“Yo— you search for a new name for me?”

 

Taeyeon nodded

 

“A man’s name?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Oh my god what is it? What is it? Please please tell me!” 

 

He then sat up and sat on her stomach while shaking her.

 

Taeyeon just laughed, because Jessica went from a kicked puppy to excited puppy in a second.

 

“Yah stop laughing!! I want to know the name pleaseee”

 

He whined.

 

“Yah stop whining! Aren’t you supposed to be a man?”

 

“A man can still whine, you know!”

 

“Ah fine whatever you said”

 

“Now tell meeeee”

 

“It’s Jaeyeon”

 

“Jaeyeon?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Like, Jae with Yeon?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Like Jung Jaeyeon?”

 

“Yes”

 

“It rhymes with your name”

 

“Yes”

 

“Oh”

 

“Yeah, now you’re my Jaeyeonie, not Sooyeonie more”

 

Taeyeon smiles softly, but it suddenly turned upside down when she saw Jessica’s tears again. She quickly went into a sitting position to hug Jessica.

 

“Omg why are you crying again? Do you not like the na—“

 

“No—“ he choked

 

“I like it, I like it so much Taeyeon ah, thank you, thank you” 

 

He sobbed hard on her shoulders. The name rolled on Taeyeon’s tongue perfectly and it plucked his heartstrings.

 

“I love you, Jaeyeonie, and I will accept you no matter what”

 

“I know, I know, I love you too and thank you so much Taengoo”

 

Both of them just stuck in each other's embrace for a few minutes. Taeyeon keeps rubbing Jessica’s back until his sobs are reduced to sniffles.

 

“Oh”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You said it was one of my gifts, what’s the other?”

 

“I afraid you will cry again”

 

He then pushed Taeyeon back, and look at her with puffed cheeks.

 

“No I won’t, I’m a man, I won’t cry anym—“

 

“I bought you binders”

 

And Taeyeon needed to go out to the living room to take tissues and the next day everyone wondered why Jessica had swollen eyes.

-----

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH !!!!!! Reminder that regardless your uality and gender, you all are valid :D. Also in this chapter, it's a flashback to Jessica coming out to Taeyeon for the first time as a transgender. Both of them are lesbians.