galaxy. 
By Taeyeon.

For as long as I could remember, she was there. Everytime the sun sets and welcomes me at dawn, she is there. 

I found the standstill calming. Like no one could hurt you in a sense that you made yourself powerful.  I saw her eyes gleaming. Fire. Happiness.

She was happy. And it isn't with me.

————

The colors of the rainbow consist of seven colors. But Tiffany always adds pink on hers. There are drawings all over my room and the pastel colors of the markers littered down the carpeted floor. I watched her, sitting on my leather couch, an orange juice and a very elated heart. It’s like that. Fine day Sunday. And a little two more hours until Monday.

“How are you adding pink when it isn’t included in there?” I mused. Looking down at my girlfriend who seemed to be pretty much disappointed by my comment.

“It’s my favorite.”’she says. Beautiful eyes. Damn.

“Why do you like to draw a rainbow by the way?” I asked. It’s nothing like a question that is well thought over. I like how she answers my question anyway. Her intellect reaches to me like a translated poem and it is never a bore.

I love everything about her.

“I just love how it ends.  They said, a pot of gold is waiting there.  I like comparing myself to it.  Despite the rain, I know there is somewhere good at the end.”

So solemnly, I looked down at her drawings.  The feeling inside of me brewed loudly. I can hear it churning.  Deep inside I know, she was not on the same page as I am anymore. Someone is making her happy and is giving her what she wants, the security of a relationship that is accepted throughouts the confinements of traditions and social norms.  

The capacity to bear a family in the future, Tiffany loves kids.  That is apparently an enough indication that no matter how better I would be as a person in the future, I would never be enough for her.

  Her pure heart remains, that's why she stayed with me.  

She loves me.  I know that for sure.  But she is not in love with me anymore, and it is sad because she herself does not know it.

----------------------------

I gave everything that I had, but he gave her everything that she wanted.

Was it hard to understand? No.

Our end came crashing down on me when she left me on the sidewalk, hands in my pockets as my tears ran down my face.  My mouth closed as if the words that would come out of it would only hurt me in ways I never imagined.  I never reached out to her and

 I let her go.  

“Taeyeon, I'm...I'm happy. With him.”

I saw her get into his car, right there at the intersection where I would kiss her goodnight on rainy days after a good dinner composed of cup noodles.  I stifle a laugh because life indeed is such an unpredictable dirt road. 

“I’ll see you at the end of your rainbow, Fany.”

-------------------------

A year passed after that was definitely a blur considering I drowned myself with work. Unbeknownst to everyone around me, I was still hurting and it is a challenge to wake up everyday. Over the course of my lifetime, there are moments wherein I would crawl at the side of my four cornered bedroom adorned with paintings that the world has kneeled before.

It was me. All of them, depictions of my past and present and future. 

“You need to eat.” Says my girlfriend, whom well, isn’t exactly on that same pedestal as what exactly I would want to call her right but I guess girlfriend is a term I would gladly give the girl. 

I feel a little guilty yet I know she knows I am not capable of giving such love again. Not to her, not to anyone. Certainly not Fany at least.

“Thanks Seol. Appreciate it.” I have a small smile down my lips. She crouched down and looked at me, on the same eye level as what a mother would do to her kid.

“Would you still want to go to the convention? I mean people do not know who you are. You want to be incognito right?” She held my face and I leaned over the touch. Somehow she is warm, especially in late night sleepovers where the warm bowls of ramyeon would stay on the floor while I cuddle up with her in bed.

Seolhyun is my haven. My little ball of sunshine, but never was my sole center.

“That is like the grand revelation right? I’ve made enough fortune for me not to thank them.” I smiled and she dived in to kiss me on the lips. 

Moist. Supple. Gentle. 

“I love you Tae.” I hear her whisper. I never said it back.

—————

The alcohol is relentlessly flowing hushed like that of a stream, going out of the fancy champagne bottle.  I was there at the top balcony admiring the people who are also admiring my art. I was never fond of parties, more I was never fond of people admiring me. In a sense, I was left with the impression that no one would love me because in such a long life of 30, I was loved once and she never came to love me until the end.

Would I be thankful for Seolhyun instead of pining over lost love like for example, Tiffany. Oh sweet Tiffany, heh.

“She’s down there you know. She’s generous enough to swallow her guilt. You invited her? For what even?” The spiteful meaning behind those wondering words struck me and I looked into Seolhyun, eyes narrowing as I passed her beaded gown covering mostly of her chest area. 

She was beautiful tonight. 

“She’s the fiancée of the son of my number one client. I did not technically invite her in but if you think of it that way. Then okay.” I smiled. 

“I hate how she...never mind.” Seolhyun looked at me, and then I nodded. Understanding the dynamics of our relationship, it is more of fun and one sided feelings with doubt sprinkling around the confinements of what ifs. 

“I want to love you. I want you here, would that be kind of unfair though? To keep you on my leash when I am not even planning to hold on you forever?” I wondered, leaning on the glass pane of the railings. The second floor only for me, for us.

She smiled, eyes twinkling and intelligently boring her soul to the dumb version of my crumbling heart. I have seen Tiffany yet but here I am. Tired and pitiful.

 “I am here. I will never leave. Just for tonight Tae, just for tonight. Love yourself. Go, go to her. Let yourself go.”

———

The life of the party is on the dance floor and I saw her sipping the wine. Elegantly flowing black dress and black hair she never aged a day. Felt a lot longer for me, the one year break I mean. I used to look into her eyes for days and time has stopped from there and then. 

I felt my heart prick at the sight of her admiring the of my brush. The canvas so meticulously protected over the hardbound of the frame, Tiffany’s eyes was the whirlpool of brown and a shade of tad gray and a little dash of white under liners. Harmony. Reality. 

“Hi.”

She stopped. I hear her breathing hitch. Her shoulders stiffened. I almost cried, the effect I have on her. Must be the guilt? I don’t know. It somehow gave me the familiarity of the woman I love and the woman who once loved me back.

“I love this.” She mumbles. Eyes never leaving the canvas.

“It’s a rainbow.” I huffed and described the black and white painting.

I hear the chuckle that I had missed. I saw her look into the granite floors and my soul was startled when she looked back at me. I found her eyes, finally they were back looking at me, as if the only person in the world in her universe is me.

“It never has colors in there..why would you do that?” Her voice must have strained over her desire to sound nonchalant. Tiffany must’ve thought that joking about the subject would eliminate the fact that the rainbow has got to do something with her.

And it was. She was the subject. It drew her in because she knew.

“Why? Would you like to color it in?” I asked, shifting my toes to the other side. Just because the weight came crashing down on me and I felt small. 

“You left before I even handed you the chance to color it. It’s poetic but it translates like this——.” I stepped a little bit closer to her personal space.

“You left