He flinched only infinitesimally when he heard the beep and then the slide of his front door, followed by the rustle of a coat being removed and boots shucked, before the light padding of feet on the floor. And yet he didn’t move or look to see who’d entered, because he knew without even looking. Instead, he raised his bottle of soju to his lips, swilling the pungent alcohol in his mouth to allow the burn to penetrate before swallowing.

“I heard what happened.” Soft, mellifluous voice. “I came as soon as I could.”

Yonghwa leaned his head against the back of the sofa, staring through the darkness at the ceiling. Unseeing.

Said nothing. Couldn’t.

Soft, tentative steps. “How are you feeling?” A small hand, laid gently on his shoulder, soothing.

Swallowing thickly, he closed his eyes to settle his thoughts. “I don’t… know.” Shaky exhale. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I wanted to.”

“The press…” They were outside the building, had been there all day. Waiting. Ready to pounce.

“I’m not worried about me.” The hand that had been soothing him came to the bottle he gripped, and he relinquished it without a fight, hearing the clink as she set it on the small side table beside the couch. Her other hand s up his jaw from behind, coming to warm his neck, and he sighed, daring to open his eyes and rest them upon his upside-down intruder.

Whose eyes softened as she crouched, now level with him. “I love you,” she whispered from somewhere in his hair, and in that moment the day’s events came crashing down on him, emotion barreling in unmitigated as the full force of what had happened hit him full force.

“,” he breathed, before rushing to rub his hands over his burning eyes.

“Whatever happens,” she crooned, pushing his hands away so that he was forced to look at her in the darkness, “I’m here for you, whenever I can. You know that, right?”

“I’m ing done,” he said tremulously into the darkness, fear tightening his throat.

It was testament to the day’s drama that she didn’t rebuke his swearing.

Her hand moved to flick the table lamp on, bathing the room in a soft golden light that played and reflected off of the various golden accents scattered here and there throughout the room. She snorted and called him a prideful prince every time she found a new golden feature he’d added since her last visit, and sometimes he got new pieces just to rile her up, to witness her eyerolls and smiling exasperation. He fed off of her reactions.

She glowed above him as her eyes found his again, and descended on his forehead. Briefly he allowed himself to savour the soft press of her lips on him, before she spoke again. “Whatever happens,” she reminded him gently, her eyes searching his.

“I didn’t do it,” he felt compelled to say in the heat of her support, and then felt silly for sounding childish.

She nodded. “I figured. It’s not like you.” Her soft sigh stirred his hair.

“The professor interviewed me, just not on school grounds as it apparently should be. My manager’s the one who talked to them to set up the interview at FNC, so I had no idea that wasn’t normal. I would’ve gone on campus if I’d known.” He groaned. “God, it’s a ing mess.” He looked up. “They kicked me out of the program.”

She pressed her lips against his head again. “You were so excited about getting that degree. I know it meant a lot to you.”

Many an impromptu visit she’d shown up to find him studying or writing an essay with a pizza box half finished abandoned amongst his books, guitar and laptop. The first time, she’d actually been shocked, confused by the memory that he wasn’t much of a reader, and that he’d never been top of his class. But then, this was music, a subject he was passionate about, and so she’d brushed away her preconceptions and cheered him on his undergraduate then graduate studies in Applied Music, and he’d done the same for her, cheering her on in her Theatre studies, a subject that had surprised him in turn.

He didn’t say anything for a moment. “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore,” he finally got out hollowly.

“It matters,” she insisted, then lower, over his chest. “But you matter more.”

Yonghwa sighed. “Jaehoon hyung said they’re thinking of sending me early. To the army,” he added for clarification when she furrowed her brows.

They went lax, as did . “Oh.” Lowering her eyes, she worried her lip. “I see.”

“For ‘reflection’,” he grunted, making air quotes with his fingers before dropping them back down. He stared back up at her face, deciding he was tired of straining his neck. “Come here.” He patted the seat cushion next to him, watching idly as she straightened and rounded the small side table. When she was close enough he reached out, and she came willingly to straddle him, her cheek settling against his.

He turned his head in to capture the faint floral smell of her skin and hair, and his muscles loosened as his body recognized hers. God, he hadn’t realized he’d needed that. “Hyun…” he began.

She hummed, acknowledging the soothing effect she had on him, and the nape of his neck where her fingers returned, feather-like. “Yong…”

“If I go… wait for me.”

As she pulled back his hands fell to her hips, settling there. She frowned at him, and he wanted to soothe those worry lines. “Of course.” With a tentative smile she attempted to bring levity to the moment, but the shine missed her eyes. “We barely see each other as it is anyway because we’re always so busy.” Him with his band, solo activities, school or acting. Her solely with her acting and acting workshops, now.

He shook his head. “You know what I mean.” He her hip thoughtfully. “I have a feeling that’s what’s going to happen. I’m meeting the agency PR and higher-ups tomorrow to talk strategy, and making me go away’s probably top of their agenda.”

She sighed. “Let’s not talk about that tonight. We don’t know what tomorrow brings,” she said, pinning him with an intent gaze that cut him to his core. “And more than anything,” she continued, interrupting him when he would have interjected with self-deprecation, “I want you to know you can make it through this. Whatever happens.”

Yonghwa didn’t know how long he stared, turmoil both boiling and freezing him in turns, but eventually he swallowed past the lump in his throat and rounded up the shreds of his voice. “How,” he croaked.

Seohyun’s eyes drew him in as she leaned in, and then pure sensation stoked through him as he closed his lids and welcomed the kiss she pressed on him. And then she drew back, her thumb brushing against his lip, as though to ensure her taste lingered. “One step at a time,” she whispered. “With grace.”

A beat passed as he felt her faith suffusing him through his every pore. Absently he realized his fingers had begun digging into her skin, and yet she wasn’t complaining. Still, he released his grasp, instead cupping her cheeks. Not for the first time he wondered what he’d done to deserve her. “God I love you,” he breathed, capturing her lips with his again, a sigh escaping her as his tongue s out to against hers. “Stay tonight,” he demanded when they parted, forehead to forehead. Momentary shame sank into him at the begging tone he could hear in his voice, but he was past caring. Right now, he just needed her. “It’s late.”

She was busy tomorrow with an acting workshop. He knew that. When they had packed schedules they normally didn’t spend time together to avoid prying eyes - that included staying away from each other’s apartments. It meant a lot of subterfuge for the sake of keeping their relationship private, but at least they could call and Skype each other. They’d of course had their share of loneliness and doubts as to whether they could go the distance, but over the years they’d learned to work through those ups and downs. And it was better now that she’d left her idol lifestyle behind.

Surely he shouldn’t add fire to the controversy he was currently embroiled in, but he couldn’t bring himself to send her home. “Please,” he whispered.

Seohyun’s lips touched his nose. “Of course.” Then, just as suddenly, she slid off him, extending her hand. “Come. Let’s head to bed.”

Lamely Yonghwa blinked up at her as she clicked off the table lamp, bathing the living room in darkness once more. It took him a second to adjust to it. Then he took her hand and followed her to his bedroom, where she quietly undressed him, her hands warm and soothing on his bare skin.

There was nothing carnal about her touch, yet he felt it within his core just the same, healing the rips that had shorn clear through him since everything: the article, the assault on his SNS, the phone calls from PR, the strident paparazzis following him home shouting requests for comments, the terror in his bandmates’ eyes at what the future held, even his parents’ phone call to commiserate… He felt ing broken.

Slowly mended.

Couldn’t let go.

He inhaled deeply as he stripped away her clothing and collected her into his arms, breathing her in once more. “Missed you.”

“Me too,” she said simply, laying small kisses on his chest above his heart. Gooseflesh rose under her touch. “You want to be big spoon or small spoon?”

Yonghwa her skin thoughtfully. “Big,” he decided. He wanted to feel her in his arms, smell her, touch her. Forget everything else.

Pulling away, she tugged him to the bed, and they climbed in, the sheets whispering as they settled in. Their legs tangled comfortably, hers smooth and soft against his hairy ones. She hummed as he gathered her closer, his arm going around to thread his fingers through hers. She pressed to them - not a kiss but rather a presence. It always surprised him how well they fit.

“I wish I could stay here every night,” she whispered in the stillness. “I want to be here for you.”

“This is plenty,” Yonghwa replied, closing his eyes in peace. “More than I should’ve asked for.”

“Exactly.” A beat passed. “Promise me something,” she said suddenly, sullenly.

He hummed in query.

“When you get back home tomorrow, take out your guitar and play. Write. Sleep. Forget the world. Just… be yourself.”

Her words gave him pause, and he her fingers distractedly with his thumb as he visualized himself doing just that… being himself. She liked to about his laziness when he had nothing to do. Laying on his couch all day watching TV or playing guitar aimlessly while eating takeout pizza. Or doing the same at her place, dozing on her couch while she played with Ppoppo. She usually nagged for him to at least do something, like watch a movie with her or help her practice her lines (or watch her practice her routines and songs, in the past… and he’d collaborated on her songs last year yet had refused credit for obvious reasons), or help her cook, or… hell, have . But now here she was, asking him to not do anything when he got back. Normally he’d be ecstatic at the prospect of doing nothing. Relaxing.

“That’s unlike you, Seo Juhyun…” he teased softly, kissing her nape.

“Actually, scratch that. I have a mission for you tomorrow.”

Yonghwa shifted slightly, all ears. “Shoot.”

She smiled, he could feel it in the air. Seohyun would deny it till the end of time, but she liked having some power over him sometimes. It fascinated him. “Write me a song?” she asked coyly.

He nodded instantly, liking the clear assignment more than the vague lazy idea. “I can do that. Any requirements?”

“I’ll think about it. Goodnight, Yong.”

“Night Hyun.”

#

Yonghwa sighed as he pressed past his door the next afternoon, physically and mentally exhausted. He’d just come back from meeting the overhead staff and PR at FNC, and now mulled over what had been decided today as he shucked his coat and stepped out of his boots.

Rubbing the stiffness in his neck, he shuffled over to the living room, grabbing an apple on the way. As he approached the sanctity of his couch, something caught his eye on the window, a tiny colourful square blotting the grey afternoon sky.

It was a card, the front adorned with a majestic calligraphic dragon and flower. His name.

He carefully unstuck the card, opening the flap to find Seohyun’s neat handwriting:

To: Yong~

This morning was lovely. I’ve missed waking up with you. I just decided I’m sleeping over tonight, too. I wanted to hold you again as soon as you left this morning. I wandered around in here touching everything you’ve touched until I had to leave for my class.

This is a triple diamond slope, but you can and will maneuver through its sines and bumps. And I’ll be right behind you, although I really shouldn’t use this analogy because we both know I’d be way behind you on a real slope! … but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I gave you a mission last night. Remember? It was to write me a song when you come home. I didn’t know what to give you as a specification then, but here it is: write me a letter. I love when you do that. So, pretty simple, right?

From: Hyun~

P.S. I love you. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you. <3

Yonghwa stared unseeing out the window. He felt so… powerless… with everything that had gone down in the past two days.

The army was a swift decision, as he’d surmised.

The band hung in limbo, and hushed voices had followed him all the way in and out of the building. He hadn’t been able to face Jonghyun, Minhyuk and Jungshin.

All other activities he’d been involved or about to be involved in had been promptly terminated.

It felt so futile, her mission, but hell, anything to take him out of this pity spiral he felt himself falling into.

Sighing in resignation, Yonghwa grasped the neck of the acoustic guitar he kept in the corner of his living room and moved to the couch, situating himself comfortably. He strummed the strings aimlessly for a moment, content to lose himself into snippets of melodies that came at him. They were melancholy, seemed bittersweet… fitting to his mood.

His eyes eventually went to the inked drawing on the front of the card that sat on the coffee table while he plucked, and he cast his thoughts to Seohyun. Last night had probably been the lowest point in his life. From busking in Japan with barely any money to live on, to the uncertainty of ever debuting and the fear of having wasted time training for nothing, to debuting and the stress of wondering if they’d even chart, all the way to the trade scandal he’d unknowingly been embroiled in and which had also shaken him to his core…

But then she’d come in, last night, her love spreading like a balm around him. A smile tugged at his lips as he remembered: her fingers feathering through his hair, the smell of her skin, the softness of it under his fingers, the beautiful affection in her eyes.

Before he knew it, he began singing softly to himself along with his aimless strumming.

I can’t live without you
I can’t live without you
No matter when, I wanna be by your side
On a rainy morning, or a starry night
Second by second, step by step
Let’s keep this love alive

#

Author’s note:

I have quite a few thoughts I wanted to share with you before I wrap this up… First, I hope you enjoyed this fic :) It’s been over 8 years since I posted my last kpop fic. I was in Korea between 2012 and 2014, teaching English, and when I came back I barely paid attention to the kpop world. Perhaps because of kpop overload - holy hell, ya’ll think the Gangnam Style craze was bad in your countries, imagine at home in SK lol, it was literally everywhere. But I like to think that while my ennui was somewhat caused by overload, I’m fairly certain that the scandals that started popping up left and right by then started getting to me. I found myself not wanting to support an industry and be part of a fandom that treats its stars so rashly and inhumanely. And to a degree, I still don’t, which is why I don’t really pay attention to the new generation (although I have of course BTS songs here and there due to them going viral worldwide). I’m restricting myself to the 2nd generation artists that I used to like at this time since it feels like meeting old friends, reconnecting and finding out what’s new. So much has changed, and I’m still learning what’s up ;)

Anyway, I recently fell back into WGM somehow, and just like my journey to it in the first place is fuzzy in my memories, I’m not quite sure how I ended up back here. I’m honestly not sure how or why, but the first drama I ever watched was You’re Beautiful, and while I originally liked Hongki’s voice better, I ended up preferring CN Blue’s music more. That led me to googling variety shows they were in, and WGM gave me a goddamn silly grin the entire way through, to the point where I was genuinely sad when it was announced that Yongseo would be leaving the show. I truly believed there was something tangible between them, and stalked the Yongseo forums on Soompi for a bit but eventually moved on after I moved to Korea and got busy writing lesson plans, grading papers and making amazing memories. It literally fled my mind.

And then just recently I rediscovered my love for kdramas with Netflix, and promptly fell back into the rabbit hole. Like I said, I’m not entirely sure how that led me back to rewatching Yongseo’s WGM episodes, but then I fell hard again, found out about all the stuff that’s happened since (the pony and other backstage interactions, the GDA’s, Seohyun leaving SNSD, Yonghwa’s trade and then university scandals, etc.) and in my head I started filling in the blanks of what’s been going on between them. 

This moment, the heat of the university scandal, felt like it needed to be written and fleshed out: how dejected Yonghwa must have felt in the heat of the scandal that sent him away, and how he was able to create songs for the fans that stayed by his side regardless. I don’t doubt that he’s got amazing determination on his own - he proved it by making it into the Special Forces - but I believe there may have been someone in his life that became his rock through it all. I think Seohyun, with her calm, gentle and practical personality, would have been wonderfully suited to stop him from focusing on the darkness.

I wanted to explore the need for healing that he must have felt in the beginning, and how his song ‘Letter’ may have been born. I actually believe the song was written specifically for his fans that stayed loyal to him, but it’s nice to speculate about who else he would write that kind of letter to, as well.

I wrote this fic carefully, assuming they’ve been together for ‘several’ years, not necessarily 10 years. Why? Because the realist in me assumes they may have had an on-off relationship throughout those years due to schedules or other kinds of conflicts that may have arisen. Even so, here they appear to have a mature, long-distance-like relationship with the mutual understanding that their careers come first. This is something that I assume kpop stars struggle with, but they both seem like careful people who’d rather keep their relationship beautiful and private than risk exposure and ‘fan’ ire.

I also wrote it carefully in terms of language. Like I said, I aimed to write their relationship as a mature one, so in addition to writing their dynamics as a comfortable long-term couple, I also chose to not use Konglish. I could have used words like ‘oppa’ or ‘saranghae’ instead of their English counterparts throughout, but in my opinion that would have changed the fic itself. I didn’t write this to portray a cute and flirty beginning of a relationship, or prove how many Korean words I know (you’d think after living there 2 years I’d be more fluent but haha noooooo). I wanted to portray the healing and comfort that Yonghwa might have gone through in that dark period of his life where everything seemed to crumble around him.

Lastly, I strongly considered making this an NC-17 fic (you know which part, it would’ve been so easy), but then I realized that would have cheapened what I was aiming for. Yes, can be healing, but I wanted to keep the focus on her love and support and not shift it to how good she feels, you know what I mean? That, and a couple (even a young one) that’s been together a long time doesn’t always feel the urge to whenever they get . That said, I believe Yongseo would be less blow-your-mind- and more slow-down-and-feel, but that’s neither here nor there ;)

Finally, once more, thank you for reading this fic and stepping into my little universe where Yongseo’s been calmly and gently eluding us all in order to enjoy some peace and happiness together, away from prying eyes. Hell, maybe they even still live in the same building and no one’s realized...

Holy this was a long author's note. Apologies!~