****

“I love you.”

Chanyeol says the words for the nth time hoping this time Baekhyun would acknowledge them. Though he himself is unsure of it and that shows in the uncertainty of his voice.

The warm glow from a single night bulb in an otherwise dark cold guestroom is enough for Chanyeol to see the tension in Baekhyun’s bare shoulders. He wants to touch him but he knows that the touch will be unwelcomed. And Chanyeol is not sure if he is ready for another heartbreak tonight.

Chanyeol looks around at the bland walls, as colorless and soulless as he feels inside even if his insides are scorching hot. Not from desire or warmth but from anger. Anger that no matter what, he is unable to direct towards the person who is the cause of it in the first place.

Chanyeol does not have to turn around to look at the other; to know that Baekhyun is doing it again - pretending not to hear Chanyeol’s words as he gets up to leave even when Chanyeol can still feel the traces of their love making. He does not try to stop him. It never works. He has accepted that fact. But that does not mean it does not sting every time. Every time Baekhyun leaves the other side of the bed cold and abandoned.

Chanyeol rarely stays the night, especially not when they both have work the next day. Their ‘arrangement’ does not work that way.

‘Arrangement’ - Chanyeol hates that word but that is how Baekhyun addresses what is between them; because he refuses to call it a relationship.

Baekhyun leaves with a bang of now closed door resounding in the guest room. He never s Chanyeol in his own room; on his own bed. Chanyeol feels like a cheap rent boy sometimes. The thought sits bitter in his mind for whole night, many a time. But every time, Chanyeol gives in to his love for the other thinking that one day, he would be able to break the impenetrable walls Baekhyun has built around his heart. That one day, Chanyeol’s unconditional love will get through all the insecurities plaguing Baekhyun’s mind, body and soul.

However, the feeling of being used never leaves Chanyeol alone; especially after these intimate moments. Where one would hope for a warm body pressed firmly beside them as their confession of love gets reciprocated excitedly. With Baekhyun, however, it has always been like this. The moment the taller says those three words, Baekhyun closes off completely. To Chanyeol, it feels like he has committed a crime instead of confessed his love. It used to amuse him previously, thinking Baekhyun was probably shy to answer or react accordingly.

And then, one day, Chanyeol found out about Baekhyun’s past and it all made sense. It did. When Baekhyun would not say those words back; when his arms would not wound around Chanyeol; when he would not stay back in the same bed after they make love; when he would introduce Chanyeol to his friends as nothing but a ’friend’. The latter would take it all in. Park Chanyeol, a patient man indeed; that is how his friends have always . More than a year and he has been patient all along. Baekhyun wanted time to heal and Chanyeol gave him all the time in the world. He promised to wait. It is getting hard now though. This wait is killing something inside of Chanyeol. And he is not sure if he can be that strong anymore. Not for long at least.

***

Chanyeol wakes up to an empty bed. What was he even expecting? That Baekhyun would have a change of heart in the middle of the night. That somehow Baekhyun’s frozen heart would melt and start beating from the warmth of Chanyeol’s love. He should have known that nothing of the sorts will happen though. Every time, it is the same. He sleeps with this hope that in the morning, he will wake up to a warm body nestled to his. He, however, wakes up cold and alone; with one more dent to his already battered heart.

Slowly, but eventually, Chanyeol drags his physically and mentally exhausted body out of bed. The room is still cold. The warm sunlight peeking through the gaps in drapes is unable to wash away the cold that has seeped into the walls of this house; just like it has in its owner’s heart.

Chanyeol was in the kitchen, doing the dishes after preparing the breakfast, when he hears the familiar footsteps. His heart drops. The all too familiar feeling of coldness and loneliness seeps into his bones once again. He stops what he was doing but does not turn around. When the silence stretches longer than he can handle, with a resigned sigh and slumped shoulders, Chanyeol turns around to face the other.

Chanyeol breath hitches in his throat as he takes a look at the man in front of him. Baekhyun still has so much power over him that it physically hurts him. His heart has been broken by this same man so many times but still his treacherous heart beats for this man alone. Chanyeol counts the moles on Baekhyun’s face as the latter tries to escape Chanyeol’s intense gaze. He has always dreamed of counting them when the early morning rays of the sun lights Baekhyun’s bare skin as he sleeps soundly next to Chanyeol. The dream has always been that only – a dream. Baekhyun never allowed Chanyeol to become more than what he was.

After a few minutes of staring here and there, Baekhyun finally looks at Chanyeol. He looks as if nothing out of the ordinary happened last night. And Chanyeol wants to let out a bitter laugh. He is not mad at the other. How can he be when he is the one madly in love with Baekhyun? So much that he has been waiting for the other to love him back for more than a year now.

‘What are we?’

That question has crossed Chanyeol’s mind a lot of times. Baekhyun has no answer for it because Chanyeol never got the courage to ask the other that out loud. He does not have it in him to hear Baekhyun’s answer. It is easier to keep him in the dark, assuming everything is okay; that they are okay, even if nothing is. It is easier to live this way.

Without him realizing, Baekhyun has become Chanyeol’s oxygen. Without the other, Chanyeol cannot function properly. Baekhyun is like a drug that is keeping him alive. And Chanyeol does not have the strength to give him up. Not yet.

It is ironic; because Chanyeol does not have the strength to keep going like this as well.

“I will be back late today. I have a meeting. Lock the house on your way out.” Baekhyun does not even meet Chanyeol’s eyes while speaking; just grab his car keys and coat and walks out. The breakfast plate is left cold and abandoned on the counter. He did not eat it, like usual. It is a no surprise to Chanyeol. Baekhyun never eats what he makes. But knowing that too, Chanyeol always make breakfast for the other whenever he stays the night at his place. He, then, ends up eating the meal himself instead every time.

***

Chanyeol is exhausted beyond imagination. It is always like this after one of his sleepovers at Baekhyun’s place. All he wants to do is plant himself face first on his warm bed; but that means going home and facing his mother and sister which would be a nightmare in self. Their relentless questions will drive Chanyeol crazy for sure. So, instead he dresses up to leave for work. Locking up Baekhyun’s house as instructed and leaving the keys with the front desk. The lady never asks any question but the look of pity in her eyes follow Chanyeol for days.

Chanyeol works as the Creative Designer in a media house and as the team leader he is always the one meeting clients over lunch and meetings. And that is how he had met Baekhyun, who was their client’ representative that time. There was spark the moment they had set eyes on each other. It was only lust initially and the rush that came with forbidden fling. But then Chanyeol messed everything up by actually falling in love with Baekhyun, who was never ready to give a name to what they were. They never ended things but what they exactly are, Chanyeol still has no idea.

Chanyeol is so busy in his thoughts that he does not see a very hyper Jongdae coming his way and they both crash into each other as a result. Chanyeol of bigger stature was expected to be the one not toppling over but that is exactly what happens. It is not just his wandering mind that is to blame though, his uncoordinated limbs are equally responsible.

“Watch where you go, man”, Jongdae is busy gathering the documents that are now scattered all over the floor when he sees who he crashed into and is about to say something very rude and snarky but one look at the dazed and still ‘sprawled on his arse’ man has him shutting his mouth in hesitation.

“Trouble in love life”, it is Jongdae’s way of taunting Chanyeol because he is very well aware of the ‘relationship’ Chanyeol has with his ‘boyfriend’.

That remark has Chanyeol snickering in annoyance and he finally lifts himself off the ground but not without toppling over the plant that stood beside him.

“He is not my boyfriend and you know it very well, Jongdae.”

Sometimes Chanyeol regrets his decision of telling his ordeal to Jongdae. But to his favor, Jongdae does inhibit a talent of extracting anyone’s deepest hidden secrets at first meeting alone. And Chanyeol of 6 months ago was so distraught that he had laid all his life history after only two drinks.

No one except Jongdae knows the deal that is Baekhyun. It took so long for Chanyeol alone to understand what was going on. And by the time he realized that Baekhyun came with a lot of baggage that restricted him to be in a normal relationship, Chanyeol’s family had already assumed they both were dating.

Chanyeol now fears facing his mother and sister. It is like every time they see him, they are reminded of Baekhyun and how Chanyeol has failed to bring him home. It is getting harder for Chanyeol to lie to his mother’s face every time she asks to meet or talk to Baekhyun. Excuses like ‘Baekhyun is busy this weekend’, ‘Baekhyun is out on business trip’, and ‘Baekhyun is shy to meet’ are starting to sound very suspicious to them. Especially to his older sister who he has been very close with since they were kids.

Yoora probably knows Chanyeol better than himself. And that is why the man worries a lot about how to stop them from uncovering the truth. He is not sure how will they react or what they will think about him or Baekhyun after they find out the truth. But the only reason Chanyeol has been hiding the whole thing from them is because he does not want to hurt them or their feelings or make them worried. He also does not want them to hate Baekhyun.

Deep down, he is worried that somehow they will convince him that Baekhyun does not love him or this relationship is not working and he feels that he might agree with them and leave Baekhyun. He does not want to do that.

***

Chanyeol knows he has to leave early once the dawn arrives because if either his mother or sister found him lurking in the home, he would have to answer their questions. Questions that he has no answers to and judging by the looks of where his ‘relationship’ with Baekhyun is headed; he is not sure he will ever get answers to those questions himself. So the only way to not complicate things further is to just keep everyone in the dark and let things go on as they are currently.

Baekhyun is like an addiction Chanyeol is unable to breathe without. He knows it is not healthy to be affected by someone to this extent; especially when that someone does not feel the same. Chanyeol knows he is in for heartbreak. He can see it even if his entire being refuses to acknowledge it. He knows that at the end of this one sided journey with Baekhyun, he would be left broken beyond repair. He had been trying to mend Baekhyun but everyday something breaks within him. Even knowing that one day he will be left an empty shell, Chanyeol still gives his all to Baekhyun.

Because love is like that only. It makes one blind and unreasonable.

“What are you so afraid of? Just ask him.”

Chanyeol wish it was as easy as Jongdae made it sound like. Asking Baekhyun to be his date at his own birthday party was not something Chanyeol ever dreamed of doing.

Chanyeol’s birthday is a week away and he knows his mother and sister are planning to throw a party like they do every year. But this year is different in the sense that Chanyeol is not single this year on his birthday like the past few years.

Yoora’s smug look is enough of an indication for Chany