Don't want another shade of blue but you; no other sadness in the world would do

-Taylor Swift- Hoax

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What a tiring cycle.

Why am I still here? Joohyun thought to herself.

It's the same old . Seungwan isolates herself, doesn't communicate with Joohyun, then Joohyun gets mad (at herself) for not knowing what to do. 

Then everything goes back to normal. It's like nothing happened.

It's like Seungwan never went radio silent for two weeks. Like they never suffered separately, instead of enduring the storm together, like what couples should do. For fourteen days, Joohyun never received a call or a text message from her girlfriend; their conversation painted blue.

And honestly, she's used to it.

In a span of almost 3 years, Joohyun has gotten used to the dwindling exchange between them, may it be of physical intimacy or digital conversations. She wasn't sure when it started, and how could she? When the person she badly wanted to reach out to won't take down her walls.

She liked to consider herself as an empathetic person. Empathetic, because whenever Seungwan would isolate herself, she'd give her girlfriend the space that she needed. Person, well, because she's still human, capable of emotions. Susceptible to hurt, vulnerable to pain.

She's hurt, whenever Seungwan would push her away, and she's in pain, whenever she tries to climb the wall that her girlfriend built only to end up failing and falling.

So here they are now, inside Joohyun's apartment. Cuddling, not addressing the elephant in the room. Sometimes, Joohyun would find herself thinking if she's just overreacting-- if she's just imagining the thick tension in the air, every time they "make up". 

Seungwan's head was on her lap while they're watching a movie. Joohyun was uncharacteristically silent that evening-- normally, she'd give side comments about the protagonist being dumb, or about the movie being a cliché. Not tonight, though. Joohyun was spacing out, staring at the tv while Seungwan's hair. It's not like they haven't sat in comfortable silence before, but something tells Seungwan that nothing about their situation is "comfortable".

"Hyun? What's wrong?" Seungwan sat up, facing Joohyun. Blonde tresses were cascading her face with an expression of worry.

Joohyun didn't know why tears were suddenly falling from her eyes. Why that certain question opened the floodgates that were forced shut, just so she could put up a strong pretense, in order to hold on for a little longer whenever she could feel Seungwan slipping away.

Or maybe she knew why. 

Because she, too, was suffering in silence. The anxiety of not knowing whether Seungwan will stay or let go. The uncertainty of their relationship, whenever her girlfriend would get into one of her episodes. It's all getting too much for her, that the pent-up frustration and anger started to seep out of her through teardrops. 

She could see Seungwan's surprise through her blurry vision. A pair of arms enveloped her, trying to bring comfort to Joohyun's silent sobbing. Seungwan started to run her fingers through Joohyun's hair, an action that used to ease her worries. 

Now it only brought more tears to her eyes.

A few seconds passed before Joohyun finally recollected herself. She broke the embrace, which brought her face to face with Seungwan.

"What's wrong?" She heard Seungwan ask for the second time.

It's now or never. J