Before Kyungsoo could even compose himself outside of the hospital room his father was pronounced dead in, he was already asked by the hospital staff to make funeral arrangements.

As the only son of his father, it was Kyungsoo’s responsibility as per the local custom to take on the role of the chief mourner and arrange for the funeral.

Kyungsoo A had done this before. He knew how to arrange a funeral and how to manage one but he was still shaken at being thrown right back into it.

Instead, it was Chanyeol who picked Kyungsoo up from the cold sanitized floors of the hospital and sat him down on a chair. Chanyeol handed Kyungsoo a glass of water and rubbed his back, calming Kyungsoo down before asking him if he would like to call anyone.

Kyungsoo only spoke after a while, nodding a yes and handing his phone over to Chanyeol so he could call Kyungsoo’s mother on his behalf.

The wake and funeral ceremony lasted three days. Most parts of it were arranged with the help of Kyungsoo’s mother, stepfather, and Chanyeol who helped communicate to the mourners on Kyungsoo’s behalf. In the future where Chanyeol and Kyungsoo were married, Chanyeol took on all the responsibility as head mourner as the son-in-law.

Kyungsoo saw Baekhyun for the first time in over half a year during the funeral but he was too distraught to spend much time with Baekhyun, who didn't seem too surprised either to see how involved Chanyeol was in all of this. 

Here, Chanyeol was helping out even if they weren’t married and Kyungsoo never really asked for it. Although, Kyungsoo was really and beyond grateful for it.

But the ordeal wasn’t over, even after Choongsun was cremated and his ashes laid to rest in a dedicated locker in a charnel house.

Kyungsoo stayed over at his estranged mother and stepfather’s house for about a week after the funeral. That was when the real hurdle began; when Kyungsoo had to return to an empty house where his father was no longer there, especially after getting used to his father’s presence yet again.

The crushing reality of it and the stabbing loneliness Kyungsoo felt from it was akin to him being thrown into the past and losing everything he had gained. Just when Kyungsoo thought it was all over, it came back to him.

Kyungsoo inherited Choongsun’s car after his death, even though he was not yet licensed to drive again. The car dealership where Choongsun used to work in also offered to pool in and give Kyungsoo almost 90% off the price for a new car should he wish to buy one, which Kyungsoo did not decline but put on hold instead.

In the meantime, his father’s car sat collecting dust in the garage. Occasionally, Kyungsoo would sit in it and turn the engine on to keep it from breaking down, where he would break into tears not only at his father’s passing but also from his misery

Back at home alone, Kyungsoo often found himself too breaking down in what was probably the strangest and what appeared to be the most normal of moments. Grief was certainly a strange phase for himself, Kyungsoo believed.

When he was preparing dinner, he instinctively grabbed for two plates to set out on the table, only to realize that he only needed to serve a meal for one now.

Kyungsoo didn’t smoke and he didn’t like cigarettes either but oddly, he found himself missing the tobacco smell lingering in the house after his father smoked.

Passing by Choongsun’s favorite fried chicken shop was also challenging because of the voice in Kyungsoo’s head reminding him how his father would have asked him to buy some on the way home.

And although he wasn’t a big fan of it, Kyungsoo still did stop by at the fried chicken shop to buy himself Choongsun’s favorite set meal.

He would then go home and eat it, maybe in an attempt to figure out why his father liked it so much. In the end, Kyungsoo still didn’t understand why.

Without Choongsun to drive him to or back from his lonely binge drinking sessions at a few bars around the neighborhood, Kyungsoo resorted to stacking up the kitchen with alcohol ranging from six-packs of beer, table wine, soju, and even some pricey whiskey.

Honestly speaking, apart from his father, Kyungsoo only trusted Chanyeol to ferry him safely when he was drunk. Kyungsoo was a little bit anxious at getting into a random taxi or rideshare while almost blackout drunk, afraid he might get robbed or even never make it home.

So instead of hopping down to his favorite quiet bar, on a Friday evening, Kyungsoo would open up a bottle of alcohol, sit at the couch and turn on the television before drinking to the news, drama, reality show or whatever movie the channel was airing. He never really paid much attention anyway. It was just to keep him company from the dolorous silence.

Usually, at the bars, Kyungsoo would be refused any more drinks once he was visibly wasted and that was usually his cue to go home.

Here, at home alone, there was no one to stop him and Kyungsoo often made it an unhealthy goal to drink himself until almost passing out.

So, it became often, where Kyungsoo woke up with a bad hangover on weekend mornings, finding himself in some weird position where he was half on the couch and half on the floor.  The lights in the house would still be on even in broad daylight and so was the television, where the sounds would be giving him even more of a headache.

The coffee table in front of the couch would be littered with empty packets of junk food, beer cans, soju bottle, and the likes. Kyungsoo wouldn’t be able to clean up until the headache from the hangover was over, which was usually hours later.

And after that, whatever remaining time Kyungsoo had were to carry out basic errands such as doing the laundry, buying groceries, making sure the utilities were handled for and preparing for the coming week.

Then on the weekdays, Kyungsoo dedicated his full time to his tutoring work and studies. On top of helping his students with whatever problems they were having,  he was always filling in papers or forms for grant requests, research collaboration and discussions with other researchers in his field.

His and Chanyeol’s relationship remained strictly professional and on the level of “work-only” friends, mostly because Kyungsoo was the one who put the distance between both of them.

Kyungsoo wouldn’t decline if Chanyeol asked to have lunch together on a typical weekday. But if Chanyeol asked to hang out together on a weekend and outside of their university setting, Kyungsoo would decline to affirm the gap of making sure Chanyeol was no longer involved in his personal life.

This was the least painful option but it still did hurt, nonetheless.

During semester breaks and Kyungsoo didn’t have classes to teach, he was often jetting off to another city for academic conventions and meetings.

Even if his lifestyle kept him busy and distracted, it actually never gave him time to properly grief or move on from his feelings. Because when he actually had the time to do so, he further avoided the problem with drinking himself until the point of passing out.

To Kyungsoo, everything but his studies were irrelevant and ceased to have meaning. His father was gone, his marriage didn’t happen and his children were supposed to be born years ago.  

He only lived for the sole purpose of his career now. If Kyungsoo were to lose that, he had decided that he didn’t want to be alive any longer. After what he had been through, it was hard to find anything new worth living for.

Towards the end of August, Kyungsoo finally had some free time for himself, a week before the fall semester was due to begin. For the first time since his father’s death, Kyungsoo took some time off from work.

He was home alone on a Friday evening, watching the news report of a catastrophic natural disaster on another continent. Kyungsoo