[A/N: I spent the entire weekend pouring over this oneshot, and I'm still not completely satisfied with it. But I wanted to post it today, in kind of a rebellious, contradicting feeling V-Day is supposed to be about. I also wanted to try and give Seungri a more mature look than he does in usual fan fictions. Hopefully, this does him justice.  Sorry if it's so horrible...But please please please review. Thank you. :D]

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 My hands are restless, my thumbs twirling around each other just as my mind is turning, thinking this was a bad idea.  I shouldn’t have asked him to come and meet me.  This is a mistake and I’ll regret it, I’m sure.  I’m already regretting it now.  The memory of me leaving him is probably still fresh on his mind.  After all, it was only two months ago that I had done it. Left him, I mean.  And asking him to come meet me, on Valentine’s Day of all days, probably wasn’t the smartest thing to have done.  But it was the only day we each had free and I needed to talk to him, I needed to see his face.  The face that had been haunting my dreams since the day I walked out.  The face, usually full of confidence and spunk and always with a smile, that looked at me with sad, tear-filled eyes that day, begging me to stay, asking me to give him another chance to prove himself.

“Soyeon-ah, please don’t go.  I’ll give you space. I’ll give you time. Just don’t leave me. Please.”

I shake my head lightly, trying to erase the image of his eyes out of my head. It will be fine, Soyeon, my inner voice tells me, reassuring me that this needs to be done, for both our sakes.  It wouldn’t be fair to leave him hanging with unanswered questions forever.  Plus, I’ve been preparing for this moment for a while now, formulating the exact words in my head and hoping the situation would go as smoothly as I imagined it would in my head.  I’m ready to apologize.  It will be fine.

I lift the white mug filled with warm coffee from the table and to my lips, taking a small sip to give me something to do besides think of his last words to me before I ruined our relationship.  I can feel eyes watching me as I sit in the corner table of this quiet café.  The stares feel like they’re burning into every bit of me, and automatically my body tenses defensively. It feels like I’m being scrutinized for my fault, my wrongdoing. 

But of course, this is just all in my head. No one knows why I’m really here.  They’re only staring because one of South Korea’s newest actresses is sitting so freely, so unguarded in a café, nonchalantly drinking some coffee.  They don’t know that I’m here to see the one boy, the one man who loved me the most in my entire life so that I can apologize to him for breaking his heart.  I’m surprised he even agreed to come, considering the state I left him in. 

Hyun-ah probably convinced him to, I coax myself into believing.  Because if anything, it would take a lot of coaxing for him to come here after what I’d put him through.  And if anything, it would have to be Hyun-ah to persuade him to come here today, considering how he was the one who [begrudgingly] introduced us and indirectly set us up.

Hyun-ah was none other than Choi Seunghyun, better known as TOP from Big Bang. He and I were co-stars in a movie together, playing love interests.  Because of our characters’ relationship and all the proximity of our work environment, we naturally became really great friends. So much so that everyday we were filming together, he informed me of how one of his band mates, the youngest, had a crush on me and had been wanting Hyun-ah to introduce us since we first started filming.

“He’s a bit of a noona chaser, that kid,” Hyun-ah advised after alerting me that his Big Bang members were coming to the set to visit and support him one day.  We were sitting in our designated actor’s chairs, resting up before shooting another scene.  “He’ll most likely come after you before the others do and stick by your side, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. So I’ll stand by you and protect you.”

“Hyun-ah, you make him sound like a predator,” I laughed as I reached out to hit him with my script, not taking him seriously at all.  “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”

He shrugged and said, “Fine, don’t believe me.  I won’t help you if he keeps hounding you for your phone number.”

I brushed off his warning lightly, but I should’ve listened because after we had finished filming the best take over two hours later, we found the rest of s waiting silently behind the production crew. And just as Hyun-ah predicted, the youngest of all the members homed in on me as the two of us walked to all four of them.  He introduced himself as ‘Seungri, the youthful yet manly charm of Big Bang.’  And while he kept running his mouth, I couldn’t help but shoot Hyun-ah wary glances, which he responded with glares telling me, ‘I told you so.’  Seungri stuck by my side, listening intently to what I had to say, laughed way too hard at any jokes I cracked, and always looked like he had a questioned poised at the tip of his tongue.

“Seungri-yah, do you have something to say to Soyeon?” Hyun-ah taunted, and I knew it was to embarrass the poor maknae.  Just as Seungri’s cheeks and ears turned red, he added, “It looks like you’ve been wanting to say something to her.  Just say it already, because we have to go back to film soon.”

“Uh, ah…” the younger boy started uneasily, scratching the back of his neck.  He scooted away from me and closer to Jiyong, eyes finally pasted to the ground and not on my face.  “Well, I…”

“Yah, why don’t you ask her already so they can go back to work and we can go home?” I heard Jiyong hiss under his breath as he nudged the maknae. 

I watched all his other members laugh at his expense and I knew that this wasn’t the first time Seungri had tried to ask a noona out.  And judging by the way everyone else was laughing at him, even sweet Daesung, I could tell that they were all expecting him to fail.  I felt bad for him, the tomato red-tinted boy from Gwangju who was usually so confident in variety shows and on stage.  I decided to put all the guys in their place and humor the youngest Big Bang member, doing what I knew he couldn’t do himself.

“Seungri-yah?” I said, my voice strong but sweet.  His head whipped upward at the sound of his name and he looked straight in my eyes suspiciously, as if I was in on the joke.  But I smiled at him reassuringly.  “Seungri-yah, would you like to go out with me sometime?”

            The shock and awe in the air was palpable that you could practically feel it, taste it. The snickers from the other members died down, all of them probably taken aback that I had made the initial move, not Seungri.  It probably was the first time any girl ever had. Judging by the huge grin on his face, it looked like it was.  We exchanged phone numbers in order to plan for our date later, which he seemed so eager to do. When all the guys left, chatting noisily about Seungri’s success, Hyun-ah just clucked his tongue at me disapprovingly.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Yeon-ah,” he said in a dark tone, and I already knew he was talking about asking Seungri out.  You could hear the jest in his tone, but it mostly sounded ominous.  “That boy is going to fall head over heels in love with you and you’re going to regret it.”

Thinking back on that memory, I can’t help but sigh into my coffee mug still poised at my lips, the steam bouncing back from inside and blowing into my face.  If I had heeded to Hyun-ah’s warnings, I could’ve avoided this entire ordeal. I could avoid doing this today, my head tells my heart.  But even as it does so, I feel a tug in my heart, though I’m not sure why.

Carefully, I place my mug back on the table in front of me before wrap both my hands around the ceramic, the tips of my fingers adjusting to the heat.  I look out the windowed walls and into the busy sidewalk, looking for any sign of his arrival.  He should be here soon, I think in my head while tap my left foot absentmindedly, somewhat of a nervous habit of mine.  I pull my left hand away from the mug to check the time before letting out a disapproving sigh.  Aish, this boy.  Always late, never early, I remind myself of one of his many quirks I had to get used to in our short time together.  Like our first date.

I find myself smiling at the thought of our first date, the date he thought was a prank set up by his hyung to humiliate him.  I’d heard from Hyun-ah that he couldn’t shut up about it, how excited he was about going on a date with Go Soyeon from the new KBS drama, Shattered Hearts.  But even with his excitement, he’d shown up to our date almost an hour late.  My mind flashes back to how I waited for him at the restaurant we’d agreed to meet at, waiting for him just as I am doing right now.  Since we were both coming from work that night, I suggested going meeting up at the restaurant instead of going there together. He agreed and promised he’d be on time.

Ten minutes passed the initial time he was supposed to be there. I let that slide, considering he was coming from work.  Twenty minutes passed, then thirty and I started growing impatient.  When I had been waiting for almost an hour, I was about to call him and tell him to not bother coming anymore since there wouldn’t be a date.  But suddenly, he showed up with an apologetic smile, the excuse that a work meeting kept him, a bouquet of white lilies [my favorite], and an arsenal of aegyo that wouldn’t normally work on me, even in a situation like this.  When I couldn’t stand any more of his cutesy faces, puffy cheeks, wide smiles, and peace signs, I subdued my giggling and told him to sit down.  He complied, taking the seat across from me.

“Did I make you wait long, noona?” he asked me, playfulness tinting a cautious voice, as extended his arm holding the flowers to me. I cringed at the honorific.

“Yah, Lee Seungri, if we’re going on a date, please don’t call me ‘noona.’ I’d feel like your older sister, not your date,” I scolded him, although my voice was light and friendly.  Despite that, he grimaced at being scolded as he extended his arm out to give me the flowers from his hand.  I took them and brought them to my nose, smiling the fragrance as I smiled up at him.  “I actually did wait a while, too, Seungri.”

“Mianhaeyo, noo…” he started, but then saw my eyes narrow at him.  He let out a nervous chuckle.  “I mean, mianhaeyo, Soyeon-ah.”

His voice was shaky, as if he was testing the waters to see if I’d snap at him for being informal to someone who was two years older than he was.  But I only beamed at him, letting him know that it was fine.

The date started slow at first, with the two of us going through the usual first date conversation – giving out bits of information we didn’t already know about each other, comparing work schedules, and swapping anecdotes about our younger days.  He seemed confident and cocky, something that would’ve bugged me if it hadn’t been for the fact that I could still sense an air of anxiety, the tone of insecurity in his voice.  He was gesturing wildly [a nervous habit of his, I learned in the course of our relationship] as he was trying to explain his first acting job in a movie in an attempt to relate to me, name-dropping here and there and sounding very much like he was trying too hard.  I listened obediently before reaching over to grab his hand, facing palm up and pointing in my direction, in both of mine and held it in place on the table.

“Seungri-yah, you don’t have to be nervous, you know.  I’m just as nervous as you are,” I reassured him, which was the truth.  Even if it seemed like it to him, I was just scared, just as unsure of this date as he was. He looked down at my hands clasped around his, then up at me with unsure eyes.  I nodded at him to answer the question in his eyes before squeezing his hands. 

“Ah, mianhae, Soyeon.  I just want to impress you,” he replied gustily, chuckling at his own expense.

“You don’t have to.  I’m already intrigued by you, Lee Seungri,” I found myself saying, giggling at the surprised look on his face.

“Soyeon, would it be okay if you called me by my real name?” he asked, his voice more solid this time around.  “I’d rather be called Seunghyun when I’m not doing activities.”

I laughed, but nonetheless nodded in agreement. After all, I had requested to be called by my own name instead of ‘noona’.

“Well, you just fascinate me more and more, Lee Seunghyun,” I told him before unconsciously intertwining his fingers with my own, eliciting him to beam instantly.

 From that point on, the date began to pick up and went surprisingly smooth.  It went so well that at the end, before we went our separate ways, I surprised the both of us by kissing him goodnight.  And even with my eyes closed as our lips pressed together, I could still picture his eyes opening wide in shock that a girl, much less one who was older than he was, made the first move on someone who usually did it.

My lips break into a smile just thinking about that first kiss – how it took him by surprise and rendered him senseless for a minute before he placed both of his hands on either side of my face and pulled me closer to him, returning the kiss softly before applying so much pressure that when he pulled away, I was the one rendered senseless. I bring my fingers to my lips, brushing my thumb over my bottom one ever so softly. I try to remember the feel of his lips on mine, lips I haven’t tasted in so long.

I try to ignore the pain I feel in my chest, staring at my watch again and take note that I’ve been waiting almost an hour, drinking my third cup of coffee. I scoff at myself, probably looking pitiful just sitting here by myself.  He’s not coming, Soyeon, I inwardly tell myself, patronizingly.  You broke his heart, remember?  He doesn’t want to see your face.  Outwardly, I nod my head in agreement.  He probably hates me and I can’t blame him.

“Soyeon-ah, please don’t go.  I love you…”

Just as I stand up to collect my things, drop a tip, and leave, there’s a knock on the window beside me.  I look up and find him standing stiffly on the other side of the glass, waving at me in small motions.  He’s standing there looking very good in a pair of dark denim jeans, a blue puffer jacket covering a black v-neck, sunglasses covering his eyes, and a black beanie that covers his head and most of his ears. He’s probably dressed that way to spite me, because he’s got me self-conscious about my attire – a simple white, long-sleeved dress with navy stripes and knee-high boots, my own jacket resting on the back of the chair behind me.

My body goes rigid, my breaths increasing, my heart beating fast, and are my palms clamming up? My four fingers pull on the hem of my long sleeves, trying to wipe the moisture off my hands.  I’m so overcome with nervousness that it must show on my face because all I see is Seunghyun furrowing his eyebrows in concern.  His lips mouth ‘Kwenchana?’, the sound of his voice filling my head as he does so.  I will myself to nod in response and gesture for him to come inside.  He obliges, and as he’s walking away to join me inside, my body only seems to grow more tense, already anticipating the impact – either good or bad, I don’t know – of this meeting.

I remain standing so that I can greet him when he comes in, which turns out to be a bad idea because the sight of walking over with an air of confidence in his step overwhelms my already over-anxious body as it nearly collapses on the table beside me.  He runs up to me, places his strong arms around my torso and helps me stand myself up.

“Kwenchana?” Seunghyun asks with eyebrows knitted together like earlier, only this time I can actually hear his voice, which is soft, full of concern. It gives me a fleeting hope that this will turn out okay. I smile at him.

“Ne, kwenchana,” I reply before he gently sits me down in my seat, making sure I get settled in before retreating to his side of the table, sinking into the plush, leather armchair across from me.

Shortly after, a petite waitress with dark hair tied in a bun approaches our table and asks if Seunghyun wants anything to eat or drink.  I’m thankful that she shows up because it gives me time to recuperate while he orders. Although, they could do without the blatant flirting, I complain to no one but my own head as I take note of the chagrin in the tone of my thoughts.  And as instantly as it came, the hope that things are okay with us disappears because I know already, just by the way he is talking to the waitress, that he is here with his defenses up.  My eyes watch as he laughs as the young girl makes a joke at her own expense about how forgetful she is before repeating his order to him.  He confirms the order with a smile, which remains intact on his face as she walks away. That is, until he pulls off his sunglasses and throws them carelessly on the table, and returns his focus on me.

“Did I make you wait long, noona?” he repeats the first words he said to me on our first date, only this time his voice is void of cheerfulness and playfulness.  He’s still polite, but I can still detect the hint of acidity in his tone that makes me wince at the honorific I hate so much coming from him.

Yup, he’s still angry, my brain states the obvious.

“Aniyo,” I reply, trying to keep my voice level, hoping that it won’t betray me because on the inside screams a demon who is angry at what it just witnessed. I calm myself by reminding myself that he has a right to be upset, even still.  It was my fault we broke up, not his.  He has a right to be angry.  “I didn’t wait too long.  I’m just…”

What am I exactly, I ask myself.  I don’t know.  I don’t even bother to finish my sentence because I just feel so defenseless after what I saw.  This is a mistake and I shouldn’t have asked him to come.  I clearly am not ready to face this.

Before Seunghyun can even ask me what I was just about to say, the waitress comes back with his coffee. Because she is solely focused on him, her body blocking Seunghyun from my view, it gives me the opportunity to shoot icy glares at her that I know deep down she doesn’t exactly deserve. But I smile politely and shake my head when she finally turns to me and asks me if I need anything else.  Then, she turns back to Seunghyun and again walks away with a giggle, which brings another smile to his face.

“Is she a fan?” I ask, hoping not to sound sarcastic or petty or anything that will give away my displeasure at the presence of the girl.

“Yeah,” Seunghyun sighs smugly, content clear in his voice.  “And apparently, I’m her bias.”

I can do nothing but force a smile and laugh along with him.

“That’s nice.  You never do come across many fans who claim you as their bias,” I try to kid, but he interprets it as a snide remark and I can see him put his defenses back up as he straightens up in his seat.  Remorsefully, I reach over for my cup of coffee, keeping my eyes on it as I try to find a way to redeem myself.  If I want to do this right, I have to be nice.  “Anyway, thanks for meeting with me.  You must be so busy now that you guys are making your comeback soon.”

“Well, I did have plans for today, but they were broken months ago,” he retorts, his discontent with me palpable, as I piece together the obvious.  That he means he made plans for us today, even way back when we were still together, and if I didn’t ruin anything back in December, we’d be enjoying those plans right now instead of facing this awkward meeting, trying our best to be civil.

“Mianhae,” I apologize, biting my lip to hold my composure. 

My shaky hand tries its best to rest the mug back on the table gently, but ends up hitting it with a noisy clank that is sure to get the attention of the people in the café who aren’t already fixated on Seungri from Big Bang and actress Go Soyeon sitting together in public, not even in disguise, save for Seunghyun’s black beanie.  My fingers curl around the mug again as I pull it closer to the edge, closer to me, the warmth doing its best calm my jittery hands. I take a gamble at look back up at Seunghyun, who is studying me with suspicious eyes, like he doesn’t trust that today is going to go smoothly, either.

“How was New York?” I ask, just trying to make small talk to wean him into a comfortable zone.  “Did you guys have a good time filming? Was your flight okay?”

“New York was fine, but I couldn’t really enjoy it when we first got there because I was sick.  Jiyong hyung took care of me most of the time.  And filming was fine, just too much work.  Our flight going there was smooth, but coming back was long because we were all tired.  I’m still tired now,” he replies monotonously, in a tone much different than he uses with the cute waitress. 

I take a good look at his eyes and see that he does look tired, the dark circles below his eyes that I love so much, much more profound than usual.  I want to reach out and touch them, run my thumbs over them, then over his cheeks, like how I used to when we were together. But I know I’m not allowed to do that anymore.  So, I just sit in my chair, taking sips of my coffee here and there.  He does the same, both of us just sitting quietly.

“Why amI here, noona?” he finally asks after he probably mentally deliberated his next words carefully after a while.

“Please don’t call me ‘noona’,” I tell him softly, giving a weak smile.

“I thought it would be okay,” he retorts with a scoff.  “You’re not my girlfriend anymore.”

I inhale sharply, reminding myself once again to be civil.

“Fair enough.”

It’ll be fine, Soyeon, the mantra in my head from earlier repeats in my head.  It will be fine. Just tell him so he can go home and sleep.

“I just…I wanted to…well, I thought it would be…” I stammer through the different ways I could approach this. 

“What is it?” he snaps, already tired of my hesitance. 

It scares me because this so uncharacteristic of him.  He was always the patient one in the relationship, always waiting for me to come to him with my problems instead of forcing them out of me like he’s doing now.  I can’t blame him, though.  When I left him, I probably took all the patience he had with me because this is so unlike him, to be upset this easily.

I try to look into his eyes, trying to look for the Seunghyun I used to know, the one with soft, caring round eyes that even with dark circles beneath them looked beautiful to me, the one with a complete catalog of aegyo, the one who would do anything to make anyone smile.  But I can’t find him anywhere – he’s gone. 

As if to illustrate this even further, he pulled off his beanie in frustration, revealing not only a new haircut, but also a new piercing that goes straight through his right ear.  He smoothes out his hat-flattened hair while I take note that even though none of these changes to his physical appearance are that drastic, his attitude change sure is. Sure, he was cocky and arrogant before, but not to the degree of turning to an because of it.  He was always respectful and knew when to be humble.  This wasn’t one of those times.

“I wanted to talk to you.  I had something I wanted to say to you,” I finally pluck up the courage to say, even though it is barely a whisper now.  I look up at him and purse my lips sideways.  “I need to say it to you.”

The stern look on his face softens a bit, but then hardens again when I don’t say something immediately.

“Well, what do you need to tell me that’s so important you can’t say over the phone?” he asks harshly, looking about ready to jump off his chair and tower over me angrily.  “Don’t just sit here and waste my time, noona. Tell me whatever you need to tell me so that I can just leave.”

Everything, I shout, but only in my head. I need to tell you everything. That I’m sorry for hurting you and not giving you the chance you deserved or the satisfaction of getting closure.  That I shouldn’t have broken up with you too soon.  That I regret it everyday.  That I love you…

But I won’t give him the satisfaction of this just yet. Not if he’s going to be such an .  I try to be strong, save face and all, as I challenge the angry look in Seunghyun’s eyes with one of my one.  But after moments of staring each other down, I just drop my head and keep my eyes on my hands.

“I understand that you’re angry with me. But I didn’t ask you here to fight with you, Seunghyun,” I tell him softly.  I fold my hands together and rest them over my lap, twirling my thumbs around like I had done earlier.

Teardrops fall on my hands, but I’m too distracted by my own thoughts trying to sort themselves out in my head to notice them. I only realize that I’d been crying when I feel two strong arms wrap around my shoulders, a light kiss grazing the top of head, and a lowered voice shushing me comfortingly, telling me it’s all right; I shouldn’t be crying.  I unfold my hands and hold on to the strong forearms, still crying silently. I’d know this comfort anywhere. 

Within our six months together, rarely did I cry in front of Seunghyun.  I was born with a tough girl complex, taught to shield any kind of pain that I felt from anyone I loved so that I was the only one who would deal with it.  But there were the occasional nights when I felt so helpless about bottling up my emotions that I let it all out.  And Seunghyun was there to ease me through it, like the night I found out my grandmother had passed away. 

Seunghyun came rushing to my apartment straight after dance rehearsal late that night, and from the moment he stepped through the threshold to my living room, his arms never unwrapped themselves from around my body. He never tried aegyo or any other stupid gags to get me to smile. He just held onto me the entire night, whispering in my ear that things will be fine, I will heal in time, my grandmother was in a better place.  He kissed me everywhere on my head – my cheeks, my forehead, the crown of my head, save for my lips because he knew it wasn’t the right time or place. He even sang a few songs for me, lulling me to sleep. But he never let go.  I woke up the next morning in my own bed, still in yesterday’s clothes, my eyes puffy and stinging from all the crying I had done. But Seunghyun never let go of me, even as I turned around in his arms to find him asleep next to me, his arms around my waist.

“Soyeon-ah, please don’t cry,” Seunghyun sings in my ear, just like he did many times that night and any other night I cried in his arms.  “The world doesn’t like it when a beautiful angel cries.”

My grip on his arms tightens and I can’t help but cry even more because this is the Seunghyun that I know, not that I encountered earlier. He unwraps his arms from around my shoulders and I’m nervous for a second because I’m afraid he’s going to leave.  But he comes around the back of my chair and crouches down in front of me, holding my hands in his strong ones.

“Mianhae, Soyeon-ah.  I shouldn’t have been so mean,” Seunghyun apologizes, his voice softer than before.  His lips stretch out across his face, pressing against each other as he smiles widely, dimples prominent, while rapidly blinking his eyes.

The sight of him doing cute aegyo makes me giggle, but not as much as the thought of how ridiculous it is for me to be crying and him apologizing for making me cry.  It should be the other way around.

“Yah, what’s wrong with you?” he laughs as he wipes the tears off my face. “First you’re upset with me and now you’re laughing at me?”

I chuckle once, nodding my head in agreement in how ridiculous that sounds.

“Ani, I’m not laughing at you, Seunghyun.  It’s just…it’s so stupid for you to be apologizing to me, when I should be the one saying sorry.”

“Oh,” he says softly, just like he had when I dropped the bomb on him.  He even has the same look on his face, sad and broken, apologetic and scared.

He slowly withdraws his hands away from me as I can see him piecing together why I asked him to meet me here today.  As if preparing himself for what’s about to be said next, he gets up from his crouched position and slowly returns to his seat on the other side of the table.  He folds his hands together in the air before lowering them onto the table.  His eyes watch them carefully before fluttering twice and looking up at me, waiting patiently for me to begin.

“Seunghyun-ah, mianhaeyo.  I’m sorry for hurting you so much,” I finally get the courage to say through the tears that are still falling from my face.  “I’m so sorry that I put you through so much pain.”

He doesn’t say anything, just keeps sitting silently.  I know that he’s waiting for me to say more, so I take in a calming breath and try to find the words I’d been practicing for almost two months. 

“It wasn’t fair for me to walk away from you without explaining why I left. It just all became overwhelming, it all happened so fast,” I explain, getting lost in my words as I reflect back on my feelings at the time.  “At first, we were just starting a carefree summer romance, which I really liked because we kept it private, just between the two of us and the very few people we knew. It was perfect.  And then the more we got into it, the more serious we started getting.  But I just felt like you were more into the relationship than I was.  You were doing everything for me, everything and more and I couldn’t even give back.  You were just so sure of everything that I wasn’t and it made me think that maybe I didn’t want to be with you anymore. Not in the way you wanted to be with me.”

I pause to wipe a few tears out of my eyes, looking up to find Seunghyun doing the same, his dark eyebrows furrowed in attempt to keep from crying.  I bite my lip, hesitant to continue.  But then I take another deep breath and go on.

““And then all of a sudden, Big Bang was gonna make a comeback, and you were so excited that you wanted to reveal our relationship to the public around the same time.  It overwhelmed me, to know that you wanted go public and all I wanted was out,” I choke back a few tears. “I was scared, Seunghyun.  I was scared of going public, scared of your fans’ reaction, scared of potential media backlash. But mostly, I was scared of what would happen to us, Seunghyun.  I’ve never dated an idol before; I never really wanted to.  I never even had a relationship during my career, so I didn’t know what to expect going into this.  I was so scared, I felt like I was drowning in everything, like I couldn’t breathe.  I had to leave.”

“Two days after my birthday?” Seunghyun finally speaks, his voice quivering.  I look up to find him crying as much as I am.  At the mention of the date of our breakup, I drop my head in embarrassment.

“I didn’t want to do it on your birthday,” is all I can whisper.

“You didn’t even call me on my birthday,” he remembers sadly, his tone void of bitterness.

“I’m sorry. I was so cruel.  But I thought if I was, then you’d get over me quickly and move on.  I didn’t want you to be in so much pain after I left.”

“It still hurt, Soyeon,” he says firmly, though tries to stay quiet.  “It hurts everyday.  Even now. Just looking at you, knowing I can’t do anything to undo what happened – it hurts.”

“Seunghyun-ah,” my voice cracks, too consumed with sadness to stay even. 

I want to tell him that it still hurts for me as well, that’s it’s not just him who’s in pain.  I want to tell him how I lose sleep at night because every time I try to, all I can see are flashbacks of our break up, how I just walked out on him.  How it’s only now that I’ve gathered enough courage to see him face to face, apologize for everything, and hope we can fix things.  But my throats tightens and makes it hard to talk, hard to even breathe.

We sit in silence, unmoving, save for the shudders of both our shoulders, trying to control our bouts of sobs.  The waitress doesn’t even come back to check on us, and I think it’s because she can sense that our table is to be unbothered at the moment. Seunghyun runs his hand through his short, yet unkempt hair while pull out a tissue from my purse and use it to dry my eyes.  I offer him one, but he shakes shoots down the offer.

Seunghyun watches as happy couples pass our window, holding hands as they walk.  My eyes grazes at all the happy couples sitting in the café, sitting so close, so intimately, whispering “I love you’s” and “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. We must look a sight, however, what with our cool greeting to our short, snarky argument, and now with tears in our eyes.

“Soyeon-ah,” Seunghyun murmurs so quietly that I’m not sure if he even said my name just now.  When I turn my head, I see that his hands are still clasped, his head ducked.  But he repeats my name.  “Soyeon-ah, did you…did you ever even love me?”

My heart breaks that he could even second-guess that.

“Of course I did,” I catch myself saying before I can even think twice.  I grab on to his hand so quickly, as if I’m afraid that if I don’t, he won’t believe me.  “Of course I loved you.  I think I loved you from the moment we met, Seunghyun.”

“You never said it once while we were together,” he says matter-of-factly, not even a trance of anger or sadness in his voice.

I smile sadly, realizing that he was right.  I never once told him that I loved him, even after he reminded me of his feelings everyday.  Even on the day we broke up.

“Please don’t go, Soyeon-ah. I love you…”

 “No, I didn’t,” I agree with him.  “But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t love you, Seunghyun.  It just took me these past two months to realize that I was in love with you the whole time we were together.  To realize that I am still in love with you.”

His eyes flash in my direction and held my gaze momentarily before staring back out the window, bashfully.

“I-I still love you, too, Go Soyeon,” he confesses, still not able to meet my gaze.  “But it still hurts.”

“I know. I know,” I whisper as I run my hands over his.  “I understand if you can’t forgive me right away. What I did was horrible.”

“Do you regret it?  Our relationship, I mean?”

I think back to earlier, when I scolded myself for not listening to Hyun-ah’s warning from that day I asked Seunghyun out, and how I told myself I could’ve avoided this whole thing.  But then I think about how I felt a pull in my chest when I thought that in my head, not sure why I did.  But now I do. I found my answer.

“No,” I reply, my head shaking slowly, the loose strands of my dark hair shaking with the movement.  “I really don’t regret any of it.  If anything, I regret making the choice to walk out on you.  If I could change anything about our relationship, it would be that night.  I wouldn’t walk away from you.  If I didn’t do it, then I wouldn’t spend all the time I wanted to myself missing you and wishing you were back with me.  I miss you, Seunghyun.”

Automatically, our fingers lace together, fitting perfectly like they had before, and I can’t help but think that this could happen under different circumstances, had I not gotten scared and left.  I can feel it in the way he rubs my forefinger with his thumb, his steady breathing, the look in his eyes that he thinks the same thing.

“I forgive you, Soyeon,” Seunghyun says after the long pause he took to study my face.  “And I miss you, too.  But I don’t think I want to get back together – “

I cut him off before he can continue, my defenses up.

“I wasn’t asking you to, Seunghyun,” I blurt out.  He holds up his free hand to stop me so that he can continue.

“I know you weren’t, Soyeon. But you didn’t let me finish,” he tells me, a sad smile stretching across his face.  “I’m not ready to even consider thinking about getting back together.  The pain is just so fresh.  And I’m scared of being hurt again.  I don’t think I can open myself up like that again. Not just to you, but to anyone else.  I want to be with you again, but I don’t want to get hurt again, either.  I don’t know what to do.”

I let out a sad laugh as he says this, and he turns to me with a raised eyebrow, thinking I’m laughing at his plight.  But I’m not.

“Nan eojjeorago?” I sing the words to his popular song.  He lets out a chuckle, head dropping as he laughs.

“Ne, nan eojjeorago,” he repeats, still laughing.  Then, he sighs out all his laughter as a contemplative look takes over his face.  “Maybe one day, Soyeon.  Maybe one day we’ll be able to start over.  But just not now.”

I silently agree with him, nodding my head and giving him a small, sad smile.

“Ne, I understand,” I say after a while.  My grip on his hand tightens as I sit straight up in my seat, moving closer to him.  “Would it be too much to ask to just be friends, though?  Or would it hurt?”

He contemplates this as he bites down on his lip, looking down at his coffee mug.

“It would hurt,” he admits, and I feel a stab in my chest, anticipating him to reject the offer.  I remind myself that it’s probably for the best that he doesn’t take it.  He continues on, though, despite my thoughts.  “I would hurt me.  But it would hurt more if we didn’t try.  I’d rather be in your life as a friend than not all.”

“Me too. I hope we can at least manage being friends,” I sob, tears falling from my eyes again because of his kind heart.  I use my free hand to wipe them away. “I’m really sorry for everything, Seunghyun.”

He pulls my hand, the one locked with his, closer to him and leans down forward to leave a kiss on the back of it.

“I know, Soyeon-ah.  I know,” he whispers.  He looks like he wants to say more and is about to before the ringing of his phone interrupts his thoughts.  He lets go of my hand to retrieve his phone from his back pocket, checking the text he just received.  “Oh, that’s Jiyong hyung. He needs me back in the dorm.”

I nod my head in understanding – when Kwon Leader beckons, you must go. Seunghyun stands up and walks over to my chair.  He grabs my hand and gently pulls me up to stand in front of him, face to face.  Both of his hands cup my face, thumbs brushing over my cheeks, his right hand tucking loose bits of hair behind my ear.  My heart races as he leans down toward me, thinking his puckered lips will target down on my own.  They land on my cheek instead.

Of course, my head says.  Too soon to reopen fresh wounds.

Seunghyun presses his forehead against mine as his hands wander to find mine so that he can twine our fingers together again.  We stay quiet like this for a minute, both of our eyes closed, just taking in the moment we might ever have again.

“Thank you for everything, Soyeon-ah,” he mumbles into my ears, his soft breathing on the top of my head such a soothing feeling.

“Thank you, Seunghyun,” I whisper before I even realize what I’m saying. I pull his arms to wrap around my waist, pulling him closer to me.  “Thank you, not only for forgiving me, but for giving me the greatest love I was too stupid to appreciate.”

We don’t let go of each other right away, just remain in each other’s embrace for a more minutes.  But when we pull away, he looks at me with his soft expression – panda eyes and a wide grin complete with dimples – before he leaves another kiss, on my forehead this time.

“I’ll see you around,” he says, before he turns to retrieve his beanie, sunglasses, and cell phone from the table.  But before he walks away in the opposite direction, away from me, I remember another reason why I asked him here.

“Seunghyun-ah, wait,” I call out when he’s just about to leave the table. 

He turns around and faces me, a confused look etched on his face. His beanie is back on his head, but his sunglasses are in his hands.  I hesitate for a second before spinning around to my chair to dig through my bag.  I pull out a medium-sized rectangular box wrapped in red, shiny wrapping paper, complete with a black ribbon and bow.  I hold it in both hands and turn to him, a smile on my face.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Seunghyun,” I wish him, nudging the box in his direction when he doesn’t take it automatically.  “I love you.”

Seunghyun takes a look at the box before his eyes dart back up toward me.  Timidly, he takes the box in his hand before gripping my arm and pulling me into a big hug.

“I’ll always love you, Soyeon-ah,” he confesses quietly in my ear.

He leaves another kiss on my forehead, only just now reminding me of the many times he used to do this to me before.  Then, he turns on his heel and walks away from me, like I had done to him so many nights ago.  Only this time, it’s different.

There are no broken hearts. 

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Please review. Please and thank you. Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day. :]