He wasn’t the Seunghyun I loved. He simply wasn’t. I can still remember the fun dates. The star gazing in the back yard of his villa, lying in a picnic blanket, hearing the steady, relaxing stream of the Han River. Those candle lit dinners that we would prepare together. All the fooling around we did, throwing the ingredients at each other, making a battle field out of the modern styled kitchen. The nights when I came back home exhausted, after a day filled with hard work and discrimination, the pains of being a foreigner… He would take me in his arms and whisper soothing words that would mend my scratched heart.

            ‘Open this ing door!’

            When did it all crash down? I knew. Some years back, they all crashed. Big Bang had taken their final hit. Seungri, that sweet innocent guy… To this day I still can’t believe he did it. I can’t let go of the image I had of him. That day… I turned the TV on, the flashing screen, the letters that read ‘Big Bang’s maknae, Seungri, charged with and murder’. They found the girl’s body in his dressing room, while they were performing in their annual Big Show. The inspectors claimed that there weren’t any suspects asides from Seungri, that all the evidence pointed to him. I saw photos of the girl… she looked so sweet… Oh NaRa… That was her name. She was only 16, there is no way that Seungri would have even considered that kind of thought, of crime.

            His tears, his words, his desperate look. ‘Save me’. That was the last thing he told me before he was taken. My own eyes were covered in tears at that time. I held onto his hand, as if I was clinging to my sweet, angelic baby brother. I lost a piece of me when they pried my hand of yours, Seungri. We all lost a piece of ourselves that day. The band couldn’t handle such a blow. There was no way they could. It was a fatal, brutal guillotine cut. Clean and deadly. Seungri… For how long have you been in there already?... Has it really been 6 years already? I’m sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to visit you anymore. But that last visit, 3 years ago… it just… I can’t. That empty look in your eyes, all of the change, the rage, the tattoos you always hated, now marking most of your skin… I’ve lost you… No. I’ve let you get lost and alone. I abandoned you.

            ‘I swear to God, I’ll break this damn door down and you’re the next in line!’

            But it wasn’t just you, Seungri.

            Every single member of Big Bang found their demise, dragging me down, voluntarily. Taeyang… his pureness was one that could find no match these days. If there was something as a pure heart left in this depraved society, it would be his.

            Because of that pureness, he could not hold his ground. Slow and thoroughly, darkness and evilness tainted his good heart, and I watched it happen. He joined bad companies and ended up being dragged into the underworld of crime. I still saw him from time to time, hanging around the corner bar that was owned by the Korean mob, acting as a security manager. I always went up to say hi to him, but as time passed, his response grew colder, as his heart was shrouded by the slimy influence of his new life style. The last I heard from him, 2 years ago, he had went to Japan in a job and never came back. I wonder if he had stayed there working or if he died… Death…

            ‘I swear to God woman, you do not want to face my anger right now. Open. The. Door.’

            Daesung… My smiling angel… You are the one I miss the most. Your bubbly laugh, your brightening aura that lifted everyone’s mood. You were so frail, so sensitive… You had gone through so much already, no wonder you couldn’t take such a hard blow. This too… I should have done something, I should have noticed. Your uncharacteristic moodiness, your gloominess, your sadness… It was from me you wanted help, right? That’s why you always asked me to listen to you, to comfort you… I didn’t do it sometimes because I had my own problems, but now, those problems seem so insignificant that I regret not helping you. I regret it so much… You wanted me to be the one finding you, didn’t you? That’s why you left me that unanswered call, the short-worded letter of goodbye. You were like a little brother to me, the little smiley kid that I vowed to protect. And I failed you.

            That image is still burned into my mind, you know? I was the one that found you. The stench that filled that house. The darkness that filled it. The cold metal feel when I turned your bathroom’s doorknob… Your body in the bathtub, soaked in bloodied water. Your slit wrists on the once porcelain white sides of the bathtub. The panic, the despair I felt by seeing you like that. I took you in my arms and held your lifeless body. You were so cold… so cold… Your usual warmness gone… I called Seunghyun and they came to take you, but I never let go of you. I clung to you as if you were my last lifeline. They had to pry me away from you, my arms not wavering around you. At that moment, you took most of me with you. I felt, and still feel so empty.

            Dae, I miss you… I miss you so much… I miss all of you guys.

            ‘, you are dead. Dead!’

            Dead. That word became so familiar lately. So many left, we’re the only ones that stayed… I’m ruined… I have nothing left. Lifeless, but also not dead. Isn’t that the worst kind of fate, though? I guess so. That reminds me of you, Jiyong. Those funny raps where you would quote your tattoos and pronounce your stage name in that funny way that only you could. You went down the wrong path, and I wasn’t strong enough to stop you. We were together once… Before I fell for Seunghyun, remember? I still cherish those memories a lot. You showed me the fun side of life, you introduced me to the music world. My favourite memory is of the afternoons we would spend in the recording room, singing without a care in the world. Why did we break up? It’s still unclear… Was it me falling for Tabi, or you shoving me away and making drugs closer? What came first?

            I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter now, it’s in the past. Before all of this, you still held on and managed to keep your tendency for consuming drugs suppressed. But it was no surprise to me that when the scandal blew up, that you had a breakdown. You didn’t even speak to the rest of us anymore. I saw you, after three years, but you were probably so ed up already that you didn’t even hold it long in your memory. I swear to God, if it wasn’t for my heart telling me it was you, my eyes wouldn’t have recognized you. You were so thin… so frail… Your skin was so old, your beautiful smile was so ruined, all of your hair had already fallen down. You were in your 30s, but you looked like a wrinkled old man already. You were so beautiful... And all that beauty was gone.

            It was me they called when they found your body in the streets. It was from the letter you kept with you all along. I read it. You wrote that you still loved me, all this time… But you shut me away. You said you couldn’t hurt my happiness with your best friend. That I was the one last person you wanted to see, so you wrote my information. That I still was your everything. Your words, right? But weren’t drugs your everything?

            I would have taken care of you. We would. You were family to Tabi and me, Ji. And all that is left of you to us are your ashes, the same with Daesung. We were such a close family but you didn’t came to us for help. But maybe it was better that way. Maybe you didn’t want help, maybe we couldn’t have helped you.

            ‘I’ll smash this goddamn bottle in your face when I get to you, you .’

            Tabi… My sweet Seunghyun. We were so in love… We wanted a family of our own, remember? You wanted kids like you, and you said you would play with them for as long as possible. But it all went down the drain. You’re the most sensitive out of us, but you’re the bravest. That wasn’t enough, was it? When they started going down the bad way, you couldn’t stand it, could you? But why alcohol? You never used to drink much, so why? It wasn’t long before you became addicted to it. You started gaining the pounds you had before your debut, you started to stay out late, being rude and violent, you started hitting me. We were expecting the little boy of your dreams. I was so happy. He was the small spark of light in the middle of the dark hellish pit we were stuck in. When I told you, you were sober, and you were so happy with it. I could see the old Seunghun in your smile, But at night, you turned back into a monster. You hit me so hard… The little one couldn’t take it, neither could I… I was truly dead inside, after losing the baby, stuck in the hospital for days… But I pulled myself back to take care of you. I held on for so long… But you just can’t turn back. You are more monster than the truly beautiful person I loved.

            ‘You are going to get it, damn woman.’

            You kicked the door open. I was waiting for that. I’m so sorry, so sorry. I can’t take it anymore. I miss them so much lately… I miss the old you so much… And I can’t hold on to the miserable life I have now. I don’t love what you became Seunghyun. I loved what you were. What we once were. But the past isn’t enough to keep me here.

            That’s why I put the gun to my head.

            And sitting there, in the cold broken down bedroom, I said goodbye to you.

            A single tear left your eyes, wetting your face, once filled with anger but now stricken with pure sadness. I heard it right, didn’t I? The words you said at that moment… ‘I’m so sorry my love…’ But it’s to late to ask now.

            I pulled the trigger.

            Will I meet you guys back in Heaven? Will they be there and our baby too? I don’t know. I’m not even sure if that’s the place I’m going to. But I had to do it.

It was my only escape.