All The Moment We Didn't Know Happened

The small space was bringing us to a great length as wide as the Pacific ocean without us even realizing it. I looked at Heechul from the sides of my eyes. I couldn't even hug him after such a long time. He took his time as he prepared for his night shower. My palm twitched, badly longing to feel his warm skin when he removed is orange tracksuit. I felt an urge to do the things I've been longing to do with him. He was less than a meter away from me but I couldn't hold him close. I remember how his eyes looked shining when I first knew his existence. It was something I couldn't forget even when my eyes were already closed.

“Are you not going to take a shower?”

I lazily smiled and took my time standing up before I gathered my things and went out of the cell to take a shower. I can feel his gaze following me as I make my way around the small cell we were in. When we were outside, the open space felt too crowded when I held him in my arms but this tiny space makes it seem like we were miles apart. I shook my head and reminisced the moment I will forever treasure in my heart.

When I saw him here, I immediately wanted to cry and run to him but I held all the overwhelming emotions inside. When I went back from shower, his hair was still damp. He was hugging his legs while his face rested on his knees. I wanted to run my fingers and rake his hair but I fought the feeling and carefully went back inside the cell without making much noise which was impossible. His eyes opened in an instant and with this stare, I remember an innocent boy laughing in front of me over my inability to perfectly pronounce the letter “r”. Nostalgia washed over me that I had to shook my head and sit down. Where did that memory come from?

He was suddenly by my side, leading me to my bed. His touch almost hurt from the electricity it surged through me but when I looked at his eyes again, it was gone. The pair I was looking at was empty, once again. What I'd do to see that innocence again?

-

I woke up and time's passing too quick—quicker than I ever wanted it to. I heaved out a deep sigh and imagined snow falling over my head. Heechul was already sleeping. He said he's too sleepy to talk but when I turned to look at him, his shoulders were shaking. The sight destroyed me. I fought with myself if I should hold him or should I just look from afar. So I stayed on my side and watched him weep privately. If only I could, Heechul, I will hold you and never let go. I doubt if I could ever see his crying face. I bet it would be a million times as beautiful as he is now.

A teardrop escaped from my eye; my throat burned rapidly from trying not to cry. I hope my comfort reaches you, Hee Chul. This hurts but I'd rather go through it than not see you before you go.

-

He stared at me, looking lost and confused but his stare made me even more uncomfortable than he is. All the bubbles around my head were slowly popping with nothing but air. He clasped his hands together and dropped his stare on the floor as we both slowly digest the information we just both shared. My head couldn't quite comprehend how disappointed I am with myself and the situation I was in years ago.

I can hardly feel my body now.

“We lived... together for quite awhile...” he softly whispered, making us the only persons in the world who knew what he had said.

I star