I woke up from a screeching sound right beside me. I sat up, aghast, fearing that something bad might have happened already. When the scene in front of me started to make sense, I realized it was Heechul who was making such noises. He pushed his bed until it closes the gap between his and mine.

I creased my brows. “What are you doing?”

“Sleep. I’ll stretch and lie down after.” He smiled, turned his back on me and started stretching. “This might be the last time I’d be able to do this.”

He told me to stop acting like he already died and I by this time quite wrapped my head around it. But hearing this from him is a different kind of pain. I’ve got less than three hours until I leave him here. Until he leaves me forever.

I lied down on my side and out my hand on the side of my face as I study his body. I wasn’t able to see his tattoo anymore. I was scared to look at his bruised body. I was scared of so many things but I’m most afraid of his smile haunting me in my dreams every night only to wake up even lonelier as the thought of never seeing the smile dawns on me. Then all the morning will never be as bright as all the mornings with him. He stretched out his hand upward, twisted his upper body in both sides and breathed deep for three times before facing me.

“Home is never

a place.

Your love is.”

“What did you say?”

“That’s my poem.” He showed me his gummy smile as he took his time to lie down. He rested on his side, mirroring my position, his eyes directly in front of mine.

“Kim Hee Chul…” I whispered. My eyes started to well up with tears. The next time I whisper his name, I won’t be looking at his eyes anymore. No one will respond the way he did. It’s so hard to be happy to be spending time with someone you know will soon be gone forever. How can I be happy? How can I disregard the loneliness that’s embracing me?

“You make me want to die.” As if on cue, tears started rolling out of my eyes, getting the escape it was longing for.

For the first time