We were childhood friends.

We have been friends since we were 8.

I remember that first time I laid eyes on her. Her black hair was tied on to two pig tails. Her fringe almost hid her big brown eyes. Her lips were pink yet everything else about her was pale.

She was staring back at me.

We were seated on top of two hospital beds at the less chaotic part of the emergency room. She was right across me.

Her mom was standing on the bed next to her. My mom was standing right behind me, listening to the nurse blab about what I had.

I had a weak heart. So I always had to come back to the hospital whenever I was feeling something out of the ordinary. But I felt it all the time, which made it something of the ordinary.

Anyway, I had drowned out what my mom and the nurse were talking about and just focused on her.

Her name was Jiyool. Pretty name, huh? Just like her.

A nurse was tending to her and was preparing to stick a needle on the back of her palm.

We just stared at each other blankly.

I watched as the needled pricked her skin. She had winced, but then regained her poker face.

By then, I was already worried.

It must be painful, I had thought.

Probably seeing my worry, she smiled in assurance.

Her smile was so sweet I couldn't help but smile back.

And that was how our friendship started.

---

We were 17 when it all began.

We were the best of friends, but I had already fallen in love with her.

The hospital was my second home, but the first for her.

She rarely went home. Maybe twice, or thrice, a year. As for me, well, I go home once or twice every two months.

She had a weak immune system which makes her easily sick. But for me, she was the strongest person.

She had grown up beautifully, by the way. More beautiful than ever.

It was her birthday that day and she was getting her shots.

I was standing outside her room in my own hospital pajamas but with a teddy behind my back.

It was a huge teddy and I don't even know why I was hiding it behind my back.

I peeked through the glass opening of the door.

She was calm while the nurse stuck the needle in her. But I could see the slight furrow of her brows.

I smiled. She was so strong.

I remembered the first time I saw her have her major shots. The one when they started to use big needles.

She had cried, silently, but stopped when it was over.

The next shots, she would cry. But then, she finally got used to it. Although I know it was still painful.

The nurse exited the room along with her mother. They were talking about the usual medical blabs when they spotted me.

They smiled and I smiled back before waving and running into her room.

She was lying on her stomach.

Every time she would get her shots, she would lie on her stomach, hugging her pillow, close her eyes and play with her fingers.

The closing her eyes and playing with her fingers indicated that she was trying to sleep. She was always like that. When she tried to sleep, she would be panicky.

That's when the teddy bear idea came.

Maybe with something to hug, she would calm down.

I announced my presence, and she immediately opened her eyes.

She looked at me and a wide smile spread on her lips.

"Oppa!" she squealed.

I went to her and gave her a hug. Then I handed her her gift.

I told her that Teddy would help her to sleep.

She was 17, but she was naive and slightly gullible. She easily believed me.

But it did work. She easily slept with Teddy after our usual conversations. I slept beside her. I almost always do.

---

I was home for two weeks until I had to go back to the hospital. Again.

I used to complain about it, but knowing Jiyool would be there, I never minded anymore. In fact, I was always excited to see her.

When I got there though, the giddiness was immediately wiped out of my face.

Jiyool was in the ICU. Her health deteriorated dramatically, I had learned from her nurse.

I cried when I went to see her.

When she woke up, she was given her shots. I was there and I held her hand.

She was still pretty even though her lips were dried and chapped and blue. She was still the most beautiful girl for me even if she was as white as a ghost and thin to the bone.

"Jiyool ah, please get better. Oppa will buy you a chocolate cake if you get better. Please get better..." I told her.

She smiled weakly at me. Even though it was a small smile, I knew it was genuine.

And then, the next few days to weeks, she got better.

She gained her weight back, even gaining a few more pounds. She was back to being lively and she was happier.

The nurses and her doctor even allowed her to visit the hospital garden. But with a nurse of course. And with me!

Because she was getting better, we were more hyper. We would run away from her nurse and hide somewhere in the playgrounds. We wouldn't get found and we would return when the sun had set.

We would get scolded, but in the end, we would both think it was worth it.

---

It was my 18th birthday that day. My parents had left early because I told them to. I was planning on confessing to Jiyool.

We were hiding in the playground again. Inside the mini castle to be exact.

It was just the two of us because it was lunch time for the little kids who usually played there.

We had been hiding from the nurse again, skipping our lunch. We thought it was really badass back then.

"Jiyool," I began.

"Mm?" she said.

"I love you."

My eyes widened at my own confession. I was supposed to say "I like you". But...I must really love her for those words to come out of my mouth instead.

She looked at me and smiled.

"I love you, too, oppa," she happily replied with a wide smile.

Then we shared our first kiss.

It was the most wonderful thing I have ever felt. Well, second to loving her.

We slept on the same bed that night, hugging each other as close as we possibly could. Closer than we usually would.

I was the happiest person that day.

---

That was the best day of my existence. I remember.

It was the new year. Her parents and my parents were in her room. We celebrated together.

Because of our friendship, which turned into what we were, our parents became friends as well.

It was fun, the new year. The visitor curfew was pushed back to 12 instead of the usual 11.

After the celebration, our parents left.

We were alone in the room, eating like pigs while watching a new year special on tv.

It was 1AM, and we weren't sleepy yet even if the nurse had come in to tell us off.

That was when we decided to watch a different movie that would bore us to sleep.

It worked. The movie had bored us. That was until an intimate scene came on.

It grew awkward.

Until Jiyool uttered those words.

"Oppa, I want to make love to you tonight."

We did. It was sloppy and we laughed afterwards when all the pain she had felt went away. I was the happiest person. We were both very happy.

All the time, I was gentle and I kissed her like I never did before.

We were glad no one came in, because nurses would randomly come in to check.

We were so happy we fell asleep with smiles on our faces.

---

I was going to go through an operation. One that would make me better.

The whole process was a blur. Mainly because I was asleep. But I knew, slightly, what was going on. I had a faint memory of opening my eyes and the doctor talking to me, telling me Jiyool was waiting. But that was it. I must have been conscious for some time during the operation.

During my operation, Jiyool waited patiently with my parents. When I was asleep and recovering, she was beside me, tending to my own needs even when she was sicker than me.

I woke up after two days. Jiyool's face was the first I saw. It was the perfect thing to wake up to.

I stayed in the hospital for 2 more weeks until my parents broke down the news that I no longer need to stay there.

I was sad. Because I won't get to see Jiyool very much. But I promised her that I would visit everyday.

I meant my promise.

I visited her everyday. 

Her health declined again though and she was returned to the ICU later on.

One day, we were blessed with a good news.

Some doctors from Germany who specialized on Jiyool's sickness came to the city.

Jiyool's parents immediately jumped on the bandwagon to consult to them.

They had a treatment. Then the next thing I knew, I was holding my Jiyool's hand as they rolled her bed to the same operating room they had taken me.

The operation lasted a day. The wait was nerve wracking. It must have been what Jiyool felt when she waited for me during my own operation.

The operation ended on a good note and she was expected to wake up in a day or two.

She woke up five hours later though and I was happy that she was fine and happy to see me first.

She was advised to stay in the ICU for a month.

She slowly regained her health then. And we were happier. We were getting better. I was alright and she was getting there.

But then, some things just had to happen. It just had to happen even before she had to be released from the hospital.

My parents took a move to Seoul and they were taking me with them.

The goodbye was full of tears. And promises.

"Jiyool ah, please stop crying," I told her, trying to stop my own tears.

She shook her head.

"Why do you have to go?" she whined.

I just sniffed. I couldn't really answer her. Moving wasn't my choice. I had done everything I could to stop my parents from moving or from taking me with them. But none of it worked.

"Oppa, when I get out of here, I promise, I will find you. I will be with oppa," she had sworn.

I nodded.

"Wait for me."

"I'll wait for my Jiyool."

Those were the last words we had said to each other. I cried really hard on the way to Seoul. I didn't even get to say I love her.

---

Two years. It had been two years since I last saw her. But I still remember her clearly. Our goodbye was the freshest memory.

It was painful the first few months. But now, I had been numbed.

I was already in uni and dating a girl named Hyuna. We went to the same high school and took the same majors.

Hyuna was the prettiest girl in high school. And one of the prettiest girls in the uni. I was lucky with her. She was smart and kind too. She was the perfect girl.

I thought my life was perfect and I had slightly forgotten what I had felt for Jiyool.

She was fine but crying when I left her. Maybe she's better now too. And besides, she probably has a boyfriend who treasures her very much.

I still remember the promise. But it was a promise made by two love sick puppies. I doubt she still remembers it. I had stopped waiting already.

It was the beginning of the second semester when my past started to haunt me.

On my way to my school, my heart started to beat like it used to when I had my attacks. But they easily went away when I reminded myself to calm down. It must have been because I was nervous or excited for the first day.

I met Hyuna by the bleachers and we went to the same first class together.

The envious looks of students around us were normal already.

After entering the slightly crowded classroom, we took a seat at the back of everyone, our places just next to each other.

It wasn't long later when the professor entered, followed by a few last minute "early" comers.

One of them was a girl. An oddly familiar girl.

I only got a view of her side profile, and her face was covered by her long, brownish-gold hair. She was pale, too.

A lot of girls looked like that in the uni. But something about her aura made me think she was familiar and that I knew her. I was curious.

She sat two rows from where me and Hyuna were so I only got a view of her back.

She was wearing a cardigan over a light pink tee and grey skirt. Really. She seemed familiar even though she dressed like half of the students of the school.

The professor shushed and began the class.

Only then, after the class, did I finally find out who the familiar girl was.

Me and Hyuna were two of the few ones who exited the classroom last since we sat at the back. The girl, too, because it seemed as though she had been looking at her schedule.

Hyuna bumped on to her just as we were passing by the center aisle and as she walked out of her row.

"Daehyun oppa?" that was the first thing she said.

Her voice was still the same. Sweeter, actually. It sounded much sweeter than last time I heard it. But then, it was such a long time ago I had actually forgotten.

I only stared at her. Appalled. Amazed.

She was prettier, too. Her features had gotten sharper. Her eyes were as brown as ever. Her lashes, were they that long? Or did they grow in length? And she obviously gained weight. She was no longer that skinny weakling. She had curves too. Although she hid it underneath her cardigan. Meanwhile, her hair was shiny, still like the first time I saw her when we were 8. She had dyed it, and it looked good on her.

"Daehyun? You know her?" Hyuna interrupted.

I shook my head. If Hyuna hadn't interrupted, I would have not realized that I had been staring.

"Um, yeah...? Jiyool? Right?"

For a moment, I had thought I saw a frown on her face. But it was soon forgotten when she flashed a bright smile.

"Oppa!"

I introduced Hyuna and Jiyool then. And I swore I had seen Jiyool flinch when I told her Hyuna was my girlfriend. She couldn't possibly have still held on to that promise, right?

I had told Hyuna about Jiyool and our past after we walked Jiyool to her next class, after promising her we would catch up later on. Hyuna got really jealous. But after reassuring her that what I had with Jiyool was a spur of the moment, puppy love, immature thingy, she let it go. But she swore she would keep an eye on Jiyool. I let her since I trusted Jiyool and myself.

Boy, did I trust myself too much.

---

Jiyool and I did the catching up when Hyuna had to go for her voice lessons.

Jiyool really got better but still had regular visits to the hospital.

"At least I don't live there anymore," she had said.

We talked and had dinner that night until she had to go home.

Apparently, she was living with a distant cousin.

I had asked her what she was doing in Seoul. And her answer made me think that my heart problems must have returned because of how it reacted upon her words.

"I promised."

---

Jiyool and I, we got awkward. But only when it was around everybody. We were close, just like old times, when it was just the two of us.

I had introduced her to my group of friends, and she naturally fit in. Too well, perhaps. Because suddenly, all the guys came after her.

She became one of the uni's prettiest and had a lot of fans, not only because of her looks, but also because of her attitude.

She would smile and greet everyone who greeted her. Even those who would glare at her in envy couldn't bear dislike her for long since she was too lovable to hate. She had a lot of admirers, but she all rejected them nicely and became friends with most of them. Well, not close, but still, she bothered to remember their names.

All these, made my heart clench. I was jealous of those guys and then relieved that she rejected them. I had to slap and remind myself that it was because we used to be really close...and that I had a girlfriend.

But one guy, though, even if she had rejected him, he continued to pursue her. And the weird feelings would come pouring. Because the guy was my closest hyung. Himchan hyung.

He was three years older but we were in the same year because he didn't go to school for quite some time to pursue a modeling career. He succeeded in that but he got bored and went back to school.

Himchan hyung was instantly smitten by her. And because we were in the same group, they would always be beside each other.

I tried to deny the jealousy... But feelings can't remain hidden forever. Or in my case, for so long.

---

We were heading to the beach.

Hyuna and I had a fight that day.

It was supposed to be a day of fun since the final exams were over. Well, everybody else were having fun. Except for me and my girlfriend. Possibly soon to be ex.

She wouldn't talk to me the whole time we were on the van. But no one had noticed it because they were all too loud and busy with their own conversations. Even Jiyool had joined in on the jokes thrown in. But I would notice her taking side glances at me.

Once the van, driven and owned by Himchan hyung, pulled up, everyone practically jumped out.

Only hyung, Jiyool, Hyuna, and I were walking with our bags towards the shore.

The silence was a killer between me and Hyuna and everyone noticed it. But they knew better than to pry on our relationship, our slowly crumbling relationship.

---

"What do you mean? You still love me? Don't with me Daehyun! I see how you look at her!" Hyuna screamed at my face.

I had reassured her for a hundredth time. I loved her and I had discarded whatever past I had with Jiyool. But she would never accept that answer. I knew I didn't want to try the other answer. I had told her once that maybe I was feeling something for Jiyool, but it ended really badly.

I didn't know what to do with Hyuna anymore. She was confusing. She wanted me to reassure her that I was hers. But at the same time, she wouldn't take those words for answers. I didn't understand her. Weren't those words enough already? Weren't my assurances enough?

So there we were. Screaming our lungs off at each other at the back of an abandoned beach house.

"Hyuna! Please! I love you. I'd shout it out to the whole world. Just forget about Jiyool, because I have. I had promised her I would wait for her. But you see, I was a kid. And kids often say things they don't really mean..." I had gone on another round of words I had repeated for what seemed like a hundred times already. "I don't see Jiyool as that anymore. What we had, it was nothing. We just grew up together. That promise? It was nothing. She's nothing to me now. I barely thought of her, Hyun."

This calmed Hyuna down.

Girls are weird. That was a fact.

"Okay. But don't you dare look at her!"

---

We were sitting around a bonfire. The sky was clear of clouds and the stars were visible.

Everyone was present. Except for one person.

I tried to not look like I was looking for her since Hyuna and I had just made up and she was guarding my every move.

It was getting late and Himchan hyung started worrying. I was too.

Jiyool hadn't come back yet.

Apparently, while Hyuna and I were busy fighting and making up, Jiyool was given the task to find us to call us for snack time. She had come back after telling the others she couldn't find us, but then went on to have a walk.

She hasn't returned since.

Himchan hyung was first to break the circle. He ran off to find her.

Meanwhile, I had absently let go of Hyuna's hand. I had suddenly felt guilty and nervous and scared.

It was cold but I was sweating.

I didn't even realize that I had ran away from the group. I was aware of Hyuna screaming my name. But I didn't hear nor listen.

I had to find her.

Something deep in my guts told me she wasn't okay.

---

"Yool!" I screamed once I saw her figure.

It was dark and I could barely make out her form resting underneath a dying palm tree.

I called her name again, louder this time. Yet she did not respond nor move.

I grew more scared then.

I ran to her, and finally noticed someone else's presence running behind me.

I barely had time to register Himchan hyung when I bent down next to Jiyool.

She was asleep.

But that wasn't what had scared me. It was how still she was. It was as if she was dead. Only the slight rising and falling of her chest assured me that she wasn't.

I tried to wake her up by poking her shoulder. But once my palm came in contact with her bare skin, I knew there was something wrong with her.

Her skin was cold. As cold as the night. As cold as when she would get her fevers. Yes. Her temperature didn't rise when she had her fevers, it would drop.

"Jiyool, no!" I yelled. "Hyung! Ambulance! Call the ambulance!"

---

Her parents came rushing down the corridor of the hospital. They instantly recognized me as soon as they laid their eyes on me.

Her mom pulled me into a hug and her dad gave me a thankful pat on the shoulder.

I just bowed when her mom let go of me.

They asked me what had happened and I answered the best as I could. Then everybody was silent after that.

Himchan hyung was there too. He greeted her parents politely and boldly told them he liked Jiyool.

My fists clenched. No, he wasn't supposed to get their blessings.

But he did.

Some time during the wait, Himchan talked to her parents so comfortingly that they loved him instantly. I felt so useless.

---

Jiyool was okay. She woke up a day later.

She thanked me but didn't look at me. She thanked Himchan hyung too. With a smile.

It pissed me.

And by the next days, I was with Jiyool at the hospital. She wouldn't talk to me at first, until she would finally give small answers.

I didn't know what was wrong with her until she sobbed her heart out that one night. 

"Jiyool, please, talk to me," I pleaded, kneeling on the side of her bed, trying to get her to look at me.

She gave me a quick glance before turning her head harshly to the side. Her lips quivered and I could tell she was about to cry.

"Dammit!" I spat tiredly. "Why?"

Then she looked at me with a glare. Or at least she tried to. But her eyes were sad.

"Do you know, after all these years, I still loved you?" she said sharply.

"I-wha―"

"I waited for you," she didn't let me continue. "I searched for you. And you...I finally found you, only to find out that you had forgotten about me and that promise. That I was nothing to you. I found you, finally, only to realize I had already been replaced. I tried to understand. I tried to convince myself that you might have had forgotten about the promise. That you must have forgotten about us, yet not me. That if ever you remember about it, you'd come running back to me..."

She was crying and the sheets that covered her had already been stained with her tears.

I tried to look away. But she was holding me in place. I wanted to look away. But that look on her face didn't allow me to.

Looking at her made me guilty. Looking at her broke my heart. Looking at her was like killing myself a thousand times.

I have never felt so horrible and pained my entire life. Not when I was a kid and they had pierced my body countless of times with their needles. Not when I had broken a rib from falling during a run in PE class.

"I heard you," she continued, her voice already cracking. "I'm nothing to you. Then why are you still here? Shouldn't you go back to your girlfriend?"

"I..."

"Please don't talk anymore. I don't want to hear it," was all she said before lying down on her side, back facing me.

I heard her sobs but couldn't do anything but listen to them.

Then her sobs were no more and were replaced with soft sniffing and I knew she was asleep.

Why was I so frozen? 

I sobbed. I was glad she couldn't hear me.

But then, everything blurted out of my mouth and I suddenly wished she was awake so she could hear me.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I remember you. I never forgot you. Hyuna...she was there when you weren't. She made me forget about you... But you're not easily forgotten. You. You're the only one I could ever love. Hyuna...she's the replacement. You...I love you, Jiyool."

I cried on her bedside with my wet face buried on my palms.

Then I suddenly felt arms around my neck.

And I realized she was hugging me and I thought nothing could ever be more perfect than that moment.

"I love you too," she whispered before pulling away to take my hands on hers.

She had kissed my tears away.

---

Jiyool was having her fevers again. Just like years ago.

I was beside her all the time.

She would wince every time she would get her shots. She wasn't used to it anymore as it had been years.

But she had said it was okay because I was there, holding her hand.

Himchan hyung was there too. He knew about Jiyool and me. But didn't back out.

"You're gonna leave her again. I won't," were hyung's harsh words.

But no. I won't. I won't abandon her anymore.

It was a struggle. Because hyung had earned more love and attention from her parents than I did. Somehow, they felt uncomfortable around me upon knowing what had happened inside Jiyool's hospital room on that new year eve years ago.

But it didn't matter. Jiyool was more important.

---

Three weeks later, Jiyool was set to have another operation after years.

It was a relief. But the doctor started to explain the dangers.

Jiyool's condition grew worse the past months, even her heart and lungs were starting to fail her.

Hearing those, Jiyool and I broke into tears. Even Himchan hyung excused himself out of the room.

His next words didn't help either.

Jiyool had to go to another hospital for it.

He hadn't mention the other hospital because before he did, Jiyool's parents went to have a word with him in his office.

No words were spoken between the two of us then, except for the "ya, don't cry".

We shed tears together and laughed humorlessly when they had dried out.

---

Jiyool was being tended to as they prepared the wheelchair for her.

She was going to be taken to a hospital somewhere in Incheon or near the place for her operation.

We spent the entire morning together.

"It's my turn to look for you," I uttered while playing with our twined fingers.

"Mm, okay..." she said softly and gave my forehead a kiss.

"I promise. Wait for me."

"Don't promise, oppa," she said, there was a tone of bitterness on her voice. "Just do it."

"I will do it. I have to. I need to. I want to."

I kissed her.

It was the most loving and passionate kiss we shared after all those years apart.

"Wait for me. I'll find you."

We vowed not to use cellphones. Because it was unfair. She looked for me from Busan to Seoul without a lead. I had to suffer on my search too.

I, then, sent her off with a sad smile and a kiss.

She was already set to have that operation by the end of the week. And she made me promise to only start looking for her after the end of the week.

I didn't know what the promise meant, but she did...

---

78 times.

That was how many times I had to tell my―our―story to different people.

But they weren't random people. They were the doctors, the nurses, and anyone who Jiyool had possibly come in contact with when she went away to get better.

These people didn't tell me anything about Jiyool until I told them our story. They didn't tell me exactly about her as they would just lead me to another nurse, or doctor, or hospital, then I would have to tell our story again. But I didn't mind.

I love our story. And if it was telling it a million times to every single person in the country just to find her, I would.

It was then when I found Jiyool's personal nurse that I had finally stopped.

She had no idea where the doctor who looked after Jiyool was nor her family, she had told me. But she gave me an address.

"It's better to bring her favorite flowers, yes?" she added lastly before ushering me to go. 

When I got to the place, I was in shock.

It was a place near the countryside and the city. Not faraway was a small hill.

There was a playground nearby.

But the thing that shocked me the most was Himchan hyung sitting on the tree by the hilltop.

I approached him. And only did I notice the small tombstone in front of him.

Her name was etched on it, along with her date of birth and the date of her...death.

"Took you long enough," Himchan hyung said and looked at me with a small smile.

I couldn't return the smile though. I fell on my knees beside hyung and sobbed.

I found you, I wanted to say out loud.

But I was too late. I kept my promise. But I was 6 months late.

It was hours later when I finally got a hold of myself.

Hyung was still there.

He loved her too.

"How'd you find her?" I asked sadly. I was angry at myself though, because I let him find her first.

"The day she passed away, I saw her," he said. "I was visiting a relative at the hospital. I saw her. Her body wrapped. I knew it was her even though I didn't see her face. I just felt it... And yes, it really was her."

I sobbed again.

Regrets, a lot of them, filled my heart. My chest was constricting in pain from all the regrets. I was too late. 

Why, was all I could ask myself. Yet I couldn't even answer it. Question after question came sprouting incoherently out of my mouth. My brain could process the questions, but not my mouth. And it definitely could not give any answers.

"Stop it, Dae. It's too late," he said. It wasn't helping one bit.

He pat my shoulder. I wasn't even a bit comforted.

"Let go."

---

I had a bad case of writer's block when I wrote this.

I'm still pissed at certain people and haven't been sleeping in my own house for days now. So I was being lazy when I wrote this.

This...came from a dream. I think? So I wrote this immediately and stopped for some time because I got lazy and that dream came to me around 4AM.

So when I continued, I couldn't remember the rest of the dream anymore and relied on the small bits of it left.

So, I'm sorry if it got rushed at the end.

But I hope you enjoy this.

First BAP oneshot and it's dedicated to this y, sly motherfcker named Jung Daehyun. 

Ciao!