—

There is a very fine line between love and hate

—

‘Do you believe in soulmates?’

Jaejoong looks up, curious of the handsome stranger looking down at him, and smiles. He shakes his head lightly in refusal.

‘No.’

What a ing weirdo

He looks back at his books, hoping that the other will leave him alone, because he’s really got no time for this. The first year of studies is the most important time of his life. It’s the time to establish himself as a person, it’s the time for him to learn and grow. There’s just no time for distractions or silly romances, definitely no time for ‘soulmates’.

‘Too bad. I’m pretty sure that you’re mine,’ the guy says and plops himself right next to him, not even batting an eye.

Weird

Jaejoong blinks, not sure how to feel about that and turns to look at the guy carefully.

Ok, admittedly, he’s very handsome. Twinkling brown eyes, high majestic cheekbones, pretty bow like lips. Maybe if they were a couple of years younger and he was still in high school... but not right now, definitely not right now, because right now he’s got no time for this nonsense.

‘No,’ he says and turns back to his books, trying to understand the entire history of psychology in the timeframe of five minutes, ‘you’re cute but I’m not looking for anything right now, so please just leave me be.’

A complete rejection like that usually works like a charm.

‘That’s ok.’

But it doesn’t seem to be working on this one.

‘I can wait.’

Really? How persistent is this guy?

‘Ugh,’ Jaejoong lets out a disheartening groan and puts his books away. He turns to the stranger to scold him about his set boundaries and how a clear rejections should be received from the other side, but halts when a couple of slightly crooked canines make their grand appearance.

Ok, but that’s like super adorable.

‘Name’s Jung Yunho. And yours?’

‘Kim Jaejoong, and—’

Wait

He didn’t intend to give him his name. How did he fall for such a simple trick?

‘It’s actually none of your business,’ he chides and presses his lips together, deciding to not entertain this annoyance any further.

‘Do you want to hang out later?’

‘No.’

‘How about the weekend?’

‘No,’ Jaejoong glares, pointing at the book that he’s holding, ‘can’t you see that I am reading?’

‘Yes, I can see that but what are you doing afterwards?’

‘More or less the same?’

‘Cool. Want to read together?’

‘No!’

Jaejoong can’t believe the other’s audacity. Does this guy really have no shame? First year of studies is the most crucial period of his life. It’s the time to establish himself, it’s the time to develop and grow.

‘Can I get your number?’

‘No.’

‘Can I meet your friends?’

‘No.’

‘Can I walk you home?’

‘No!’ Jaejoong explodes, his mind reeling in anger. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Without another word he grabs his books, flinging them one by one at the stranger and letting all his pent up frustration go.

‘No no no no no!’ he yells, his face turning red from pure annoyance, ‘didn’t you ing hear what I said? Get the out of my face and leave me the alone!’

Silence.

For a while there’s absolutely nothing but dead awkwardness between the two before Jaejoong takes a deep breath, then exhales.

Ok, maybe he overdid it a little. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so crass. Maybe he should not have lost his temper and yelled at this stranger like a complete lunatic.

‘Listen,’ he starts and looks at the guy, feeling quite apprehensive about his behaviour, ‘what I just did—’

‘Was extremely rude and unnecessary, I get it. If you didn’t want to talk to me so much, you should have said so from the very start.’

But I did Jaejoong huffs and looks at the other, his eyes following him as he gets up.

‘I was just trying to be friendly but obviously you don’t need any friends.’

‘It’s not like that.’

‘No? Well, it sure looks like that,’ Yunho scoffs and shakes his head, swiping some invisible dust off of his jeans, ‘just don’t pull a muscle on that pretty face of yours,’ he says as he looks at him from above, ‘or you’re going to become as ugly from outside as you are from inside.’

‘Hey!’ Jaejoong yells but doesn’t manage to add anything more when the other’s already walking away.

Wow rude but what can he do? With such lame pick up lines he wishes the guy all the best in his life.

‘Whatever,’ Jaejoong mutters and gathers his books, worried that some of them may have gotten dirty.

This isn’t anything of importance at all, this is business as usual. He probably won’t ever see Yunho again, so he shouldn’t worry about it and concentrate on his studies instead.

—

Except that he does. The very next day. During the first lecture.

‘If it ain’t mister ‘too good to speak to anyone’,’ Yunho greets him as they meet each other in the hallway, and then proceeds to sit somewhere as far as possible from him as he can physically be.

Things never turn out the way Jaejoong wants them to be and Yunho appears to be a straight A student taking exactly the same lectures that he is. Going through university is not going to be as easy as he first imagined it would be and he lets out a deep sigh of complete resignation.

Things take a sudden turn from bad to worse when they are introduced to the concept of group projects.

‘Everyone find yourself a partner to work with,’ professor Choi tells the class with a big grin on his face and Jaejoong immediately knows the quality of his life is spiralling downwards.

This feels just like back in the first grade when nobody wanted to be friends with him. He never thought that the same feelings will ever come to haunt him again, especially not in such a highly respectable establishment as this.

‘Kim Jaejoong? Why haven’t you found a partner yet?’ the professor asks and Jaejoong feels his legs turn to jelly, cold sweat breaking out on his skin.

Why hasn’t he? Really. Well… there are several explanations he can think of from the top of his head. First, he’s not all that good with people and, second, he hasn’t really made an effort to get to know anybody here.

‘I don’t have a partner either,’ another voice announces over his panicky thoughts and Jaejoong’s head snaps in the direction of one particular Jung Yunho.

Oh no

There is no way that he’s going to pair up with that creepy guy. If there’s one thing that he needs even less than a punch in his already antisocial gut, is to be partnered up with a guy who may or may not be his potential murderer.

‘I really don’t think that—’

‘I will be his partner,’ a girl with long brown hair interrupts his speech, her loud voice drowning everything else out. Without any further ado she makes her way towards Yunho and hangs onto his arm, Jaejoong gawking at her stupidly. There’s something weirdly upsetting about her and he can’t help but dislike her instantly.

‘I guess we’re partners now,’ the girl’s friend mutters apprehensively as she takes a step closer to him, clearly not in awe about this forced union. It’s not like Jaejoong is in awe about it either, but as long as he doesn’t have to work with Yunho he’s fine.

‘I’m Jessica. And you?’

‘Jaejoong. Who’s your friend?’

So why is that the first thing out of his mouth?

‘Boah, but you don’t really want to get in her way. Once she’s got her eye on someone, she’s going to get them no matter what.’

Wait

‘Really?’

So this Boah girl is interested in Yunho?

‘Yes, so—’

‘No, please, don’t elaborate, this is actually great!’ Jaejoong smiles, his mood increasing notably.

Because now that this random girl is going to take all the unwanted attention on herself, he will not have to worry about Yunho anymore. Those two creepers can have a happy life together and he’s got nothing to say against that.

‘Are you sure?’ Jessica asks and Jaejoong nods, not sure why she would question that.

‘Well, whatever you say,’ she mutters and turns to look at the whiteboard, leaving Jaejoong to gloat on his own.

—

Strong emotions share the same root-- caring. Someone who doesn’t care doesn’t hate. They do nothing at all

—

They make out in the library once. Kind of. By accident.

It’s a stressful week and Jaejoong’s results aren’t as good and he hoped they would be. His parents are disappointed and he’s slowly breaking apart. He can’t go back to the dorm or face anyone right now, nor can he stay at the uni. So he does the only logical thing that he can possibly think of and hides himself in the library.

‘You look pathetic,’ a familiar voice tells him and he looks up in annoyance, Yunho’s face coming in his view.

‘What do you want?’ he spits and looks at the books scattered all around him, swallowing the guilt down. He probably should gather them up and put them back in their places, probably should not treat them like dirt.

‘The library closes in ten minutes. I need you to pack up your things and leave.’

Right

Because not only is Yunho a straight A student, he’s also inhumanly diligent. This guy… he really lacks nothing, does he? Or maybe he’s just a sociopath.

‘Do you need any assistance?’ Yunho asks and Jaejoong looks up at his outstretched hand, feeling almost insulted. What kind of a question is that and does he really look so incompetent?

‘No.’

Because he can definitely manage to make himself look pathetic all on his own.

‘Just leave me be.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes,’ because he’s feeling vulnerable and petty.

‘But the books—’

‘Screw the books,’ Jaejoong groans and hides his face in his knees, wishing for the other to leave.

He doesn’t.

‘Come on, you can’t stay there forever.’

‘Can’t I? Oh, and who died and made you king?’ Jaejoong mumbles, sounding stupid even to himself. If he was thinking clearly he would admit that he was being silly and probably start working to make this better. But he’s not thinking clearly at all so he won’t admit anything and continue being this really difficult .

‘Come on, you’re being childish right now.’

‘No, I’m being stupid!’ Jaejoong yells and looks up at Yunho, big tears starting to fall from his eyes. Here he is, a grown up man in his ripe twenties, bawling his eyes out in front of this guy here. It’s not how he imagined his life would be, but he can’t say he didn’t see it going there.

‘Hey, you’re not stupid,’ Yunho says, his voice soft and comforting and he kneels down in front of him, Jaejoong hiding his face back into his knees once he realizes just how close the other is. He can feel rough fingers touching his cheeks, wiping the tears away.

‘No, you’re really not even close to stupid,’ Yunho repeats, tapping his chin up so that he has to look into his eyes.

‘But my grades—’

‘So what? those grades. What do grades have to do with anything? So what if you’re not the smartest guy in the class, I know that you’re working hard to get there.’

Well… actually…

Maybe he’s not exactly working that hard, and maybe he’s been taking it a little bit easy. But Yunho’s being really nice to him right now and maybe that’s all that matters.

‘Thank you,’ he says with a smile on his face, but doesn’t manage to get another word out when Yunho’s lips are suddenly on his own.

Weird

Why the hell is Yunho kissing him? And why the hell is he letting him!

‘No!’ he snarls and pushes the other away, his face flaming up in embarrassment, ‘what the do you think you are doing?’

‘Kissing you?.’

Ok, but no

Jaejoong groans and increases the distance between them, the small sparkle of anger in his heart flaring up.

‘You know what? off!’ he snaps and suddenly slaps the other, Yunho drawing back in shock.

‘What the hell!’

‘You’re the hell! You took advantage of me when I was vulnerable!’

‘No I didn’t!’ Yunho screeches back, his look of bewilderment now matching Jaejoong’s own, ‘I thought that you were asking for this! Why the hell would you hit me like that!’

‘I could ask you the exact same thing!’ Jaejoong yells back, now feeling extremely upset.

Both of their faces are turning redder by the second, each one for their own different reasons.

‘Don’t you ever dare to come close to me again,’ Jaejoong threatens and Yunho rolls his eyes, getting up to his feet with a heave.

‘Wouldn’t even dream of it,’ he groans and shakes his head, his face pulled in an expression of pure annoyance, ‘you’re a ing lunatic, you know? You need some anger management or something. I try to comfort you as best as I can and you go and hit me in the face! Take your ing things and leave.’

‘And what if I don’t?’ Jaejoong challenges, glaring up at him.

‘Then I will report you to the authorities.’

He is almost certain that Yunho won’t but he really doesn’t want to risk it. He grabs his bag off the floor and rushes out with his mind in uproar, deciding to never speak to the guy again.

—

Except that it’s harder being done than said.

‘Don’t try to get close to him,’ one day Boah comes after him out of nowhere and it takes Jaejoong a while before he remembers who she is or what she wants.

‘It’s because you’re too pretty,’ Jessica explains when he asks her about it and Jaejoong lets out a disheartened laugh.

‘Pretty? Come on, that’s ridiculous.’

Because he’s not a girl and there are way prettier females around him in this university. If that was true, Boah would have to threaten every single girl that Yunho’s ever looked at.

‘But Yunho doesn’t look at girls,’ Jessica protests and Jaejoong blushes brightly, something about that statement making him see red.

‘Or is it because you’re Yunho’s soulmate?’ Jessica wonders and Jaejoong’s jaw hits the floor, his expression that of pure disbelief.

Yunho’s soulmate? What the actual crap is this? That’s even more ridiculous than the previous theory about him being too pretty.

‘Oh come on, you don’t really believe in that.’

Because believing in soulmates is even worse than believing in blood types or horoscopes. Just because they get similar markings somewhere on their bodies doesn’t mean that they are meant for each other. It’s just another marketing strategy created by large companies to sell more useless crap to gullible people.

‘And what if I do?’

‘Then it’s really kind of sad.’

Because he thought of the other as slightly more intelligent than that.

‘But why?’ Jessica pouts, her eyes holding a feeling of hurt, and Jaejoong takes a deep breath.

How does he even start explaining this? And why should he even? Jaejoong came here to study and grow, not to sink himself deeper into this unnecessary drama.

‘Because this entire soulmate thing is a scam. The idea that someone is meant just for you is ungrounded and silly. It makes zero sense and only feeds into the human fantasy of selfishness, thinking that someone out there was created just to be together with you.’

‘So what?’ Jessica shrugs and Jaejoong lets out a tortured sigh, realising that he can’t win here.

‘Fine, whatever, believe in what you want, but stop referring to Yunho as my soulmate,’ he says and turns away, feeling quite pissed about it.

‘But—’

‘No. I really cannot stand that guy.’

‘Alright then,’ Jessica huffs and returns to her books, clearly unhappy about his attitude.

Jaejoong thinks about it for a while longer before he realizes that this issue is taking over his mind and decided to stop obsessing over it. Somehow this soulmate thing has become a strangely prominent presence in his life and he only wishes he could say the same about his studies.

—

Hate is not an emotion by itself. Hate gives us reasons to put barriers up and protect ourselves from getting hurt

—

Jaejoong doesn’t celebrate his birthday but Yunho does.

Jaejoong gets his soulmark quietly when he turns twenty one and Yunho gets his two days later.

It’s like a fairytale. A ball and a prince and clock striking midnight, except that it’s not so dramatic and Yunho has a party and they all drink cheap beer and then he gets his soulmark.

Not that Jaejoong wants to know anything about Yunho’s soulmark. He’s just happened to be around and Yunho is a pretty popular guy.

‘Isn’t it the same?’ Jessica asks when she spots him staring at the marking and Jaejoong shakes his head.

‘Same? No, not at all,’ he answers, voice so stoic it’s bordering on robotic. His face may be devoid of any emotions but his mind is running circles, trying to put all his frantic thoughts to rest.

It’s not the same, right? It’s not. Yunho is not his soulmate, there is no such thing as soulmates, and their markings are totally different. Are they somewhat similar? Sure. But many people have similar marking. It’s not the same, definitely not the same, and he will just have to search for the differences later.

‘Oh no, here comes trouble,’ Jessica mutters as she turns her attention towards Boah and they both watch her stalking towards them at an alarmingly fast rate. Jessica escapes the room before Jaejoong’s even managed to open his mouth and now he’s left there on his own, feeling like a mouse fallen in a trap.

‘Can I have a word with you?’

‘Actually—’

No.

But he doesn’t want to make a scene.

‘Sure.’

‘Great,’ Boah hisses and grabs his hand, dragging him out into the dark hallway. It’s almost like an out of body experience when the frail looking girl shoves him into an unoccupied room and closes the door behind herself.

‘Ok then—’ she says and then stops for a while, looking at the floor like she’s deep in her thoughts, ‘are you Yunho’s soulmate or not?’

‘What?’

No! Of course Jaejoong is not Yunho’s soulmate and what kind of a ridiculous question is that? Did Boah see his marking? No, there’s no way she could have seen his marking. He didn’t show it to anyone, he barely looked at it himself.

‘Listen—’

‘No, you listen,’ she interrupts, taking a step closer and pinning him down with her cold, serious eyes. For the very first time a flicker of fear appears across her face and Jaejoong halts in surprise.

Wait.

Is Boah really afraid of him? Is she afraid that Yunho will choose him over her? But that is absolutely—

‘Don’t you dare to say another word. Don’t you dare to tell him anything about that Goddamned marking of yours.’

Okay.

It’s the first time Jaejoong has heard her curse and it’s honestly kind of scaring him.

‘You’re ridiculous.’

‘I’m the one who’s ridiculous?’

‘Yes.’

Because Jaejoong had no plans of telling Yunho anything.

‘Look… Boah,’ he says with a hitch because her name on his tongue feels somehow wrong, ‘I don’t particularly believe in soulmates or any of that stupid crap. And I don’t want to be part of this mess or your entire drama. So if you know what’s the best for you—’

‘Oh, cut the crap, princess,’ she retorts, leaning in closer and looking in his eyes, ‘if you didn’t care, you wouldn't even be here. Besides, I saw that look on your face the moment Yunho’s marking appeared. You can try to fool someone else, but don’t think of me as an idiot.’

Jaejoong can feel his cheeks heating up, even his throat feels like it’s getting warmer. Care? No, he doesn’t care about Yunho, he just happened to be here by accident.

‘I don’t really have to stand here and listen to you,’ he says and pushes past her to leave, but Boah manages to overtake him, her scrawny hands bunched up in his shirt.

‘Fine! So be it! So I’m the crazy idiot here! But don’t come close to him ever again. You hear me? Don’t you dare to say anything, don’t do anything and just stay quiet.’

Stay quiet? Jaejoong sputters in disbelief, unnerved by their close proximity. Who does this think she is? He may not have planned to tell Yunho anything, but now he almost wants to.

‘And what if I don’t?’ Jaejoong asks, almost wonders, because now he’s getting curious. There’s these new kinds of emotions circling through his blood, pushing against his logical mind. Something like pure frustration is bleeding through his veins, like an itch right underneath his skin.

‘Oh, but you don’t want to find out if you don’t,’ Boah warns and pulls him even closer, her eyes filled with pure hatred, ‘don’t you think you can ruin this for me.’

‘Ruin this for you!’ Jaejoong cries, shaking her annoying hands off, ‘who the hell do you think you are? Do you even hear what you’re saying right now? Have you watched too many dramas?’

‘No! But what does it matter to someone like you? Yunho’s too good for you, he’s way too good for trash like you, and you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life if you ever tell him about that soulmark of yours.’

‘Shut up,’ Jaejoong hisses and shakes his head, taking a wobbly step back. That hurts more than he’s willing to admit, but he doesn’t know what to say in return.

‘I deserve this, Kim Jaejoong, I deserve this good life and he deserves it too. He’s a good man, a good family man, and he wants to have children on his own. Do you think he will be happy if he gets together with the likes of you? Only I can give him what he wants, only I can make him happy.’

No

But Jaejoong’s too proud to say that out loud, and maybe he’s scared as well. Because this stupid girl, this weird little creature believes in every word that she’s saying, and somehow she’s making him believes in that too.

‘I want you to promise me that you won’t tell him.’

No

But the words aren’t coming out.

‘Promise.’

No

Because suddenly he really doesn’t want to.

‘Please.’

Boah’s voice is bordering on desperation and Jaejoong finds his own voice gone. The words die in his throat before they make their way out of his mouth, his heartbeat increasing tenfold.

‘I—’

No

Why is he being so apprehensive? Why is he having second doubts? He doesn’t even care about Yunho so why is he being so hesitant?

‘Jaejoong, please, you don’t even like him.’

Right

Of course he doesn’t like Jung Yunho, of course he doesn’t want anything to do with him at all. Who is Yunho to him anyway? Just a random guy who happened to have the same marking. Some people would call them soulmates but he doesn’t believe in that crap.

‘Promise.’

‘Fine,’ Jaejoong groans and looks away in anger, not wanting to see her face. The heavy weight that’s been dangling big and useless in his chest rips away and falls apart, crashing down deep into his stomach. It shakes and shatters into a thousand shrapnels and cuts deep into his heavy gut.

‘I promise.’

There. He said it. And that’s the only thing that he will ever say to her.

‘Thank you.’

‘Don’t,’ he snarls and turns around, escaping the room with quick steps. He hates himself for what he’s just done, hates himself for being like this. What kind of a person denies his own soulmate? What kind of a person has he become?

A coward

But he doesn’t want to hear that answer, so he goes out and finds himself into the closest bar. He drinks his own brain into unconsciousness until he can’t see, hear or feel anything.

—

The price of hating another human being, is loving oneself less

—

‘Yunho and Boah are together?’

‘Right.’

‘Like an official couple and everything?’

‘Right.’

‘Well...I guess their kids will turn out fantastic.’

‘Sure,’ Jaejoong slams his book closed, his nerves acting up. He hasn’t talked to Yunho since his birthday and, quite honestly, he doesn’t even want to.

‘Why are you being so y?’ Jessica frowns and Jaejoong looks away from her in annoyance, not wanting to talk about this any further.

Has he been a bit more on the edge lately? Sure. But does that mean he’s in any way y? No. He’s simply under a lot of stress and he needs a good, long break.

‘Can we not talk about this anymore?’ he groans and leans back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling, ‘I feel like I’m going crazy with all this useless couple talk. So what if they are together? So what if they are dating? Are they the first ever couple to ever form in this university? No! So why is there such a fuss about it?’

‘Because it’s really kind of unexpected?’ Jessica says, biting on the end of her pencil nervously, ‘I mean, sure I told you that she’s unstoppable, but Yunho seemed so apprehensive before. And why are you so annoyed all of a sudden? Are you jealous or something?’

‘I’m not jealous!’ Jaejoong spits, shoving his books away as if they have just personally insulted him, ‘you must be really stupid if you believe that I care about any of that.’

He knows he’s coming off as a little bit aggressive, but he really cannot help it. There’s just so much nonsense that he can take and Jessica is definitely pushing her limits.

‘You sure sound jealous. Maybe you should talk to him? I mean, maybe Yunho will understand?’ she suggests and something breaks inside of Jaejoong at that, all of his controls falling apart.

‘I don’t want to talk to him!’ he yells, kicking away his bag in absolute fury, ‘and mind your own ing business if you want to be my friend! If not, gather your stupid things and get the away from me!’

Jessica draws back in fear from and Jaejoong groans in annoyance, now quite willing to believe that he just insulted his only friend like that.

‘Look, it’s just that—’

No. Stop this. Stop this insanity right now

‘I’m sorry,’ he says instead and closes his eyes, realising that he needs to stop these excuses. So, ok, maybe he is annoyed and maybe he also is jealous. But he made that stupid decision on his own and he will have to live with it no matter how much it hurts.

‘I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m just really tired and overworked.’

‘Ok, yeah, I understand,’ Jessica mumbles and Jaejoong takes a deep breath, calming himself down. This is alright, he is alright, and he will push through no matter what.

‘Let’s just concentrate on studying, I’m kind of falling behind,’ he says and they both turn back to their books, Jaejoong realising that he’s been staring at the same page for over an hour.

—

People talk.

People gossip.

And he cannot stop any of that from happening. What he can stop is how he reacts to this stuff and how he learns to adapt.

‘Hey.’

If only there wasn’t this one major problem. Jaejoong closes his eyes, not wanting to hear the other’s voice right now.

‘What do you want.’

He’s been avoiding Yunho for quite some time now, or two weeks to be exact. Now, however, they both are trapped in the same classroom, waiting for the lecture to start.

‘I just haven’t seen you around.’

Right

Because Jaejoong’s made sure that he wasn’t around. He’s been sulking in his room and watching reruns, trying to drown his sorrow in ice cream and soju.

He doesn’t want to see them together, doesn’t want to see how perfect they are. Boah’s face lights up when she wraps her hands around him and Yunho smiles at her with kindness. She’s small and feminine and he’s tall and gorgeous and they both look like protagonists in a romantic novel. And he? He’s nothing more than an afterthought, a side character in his own miserable story.

‘Jaejoong?’

‘Go away.’

And isn’t it funny? He did this all to himself. He should be happy for the pretty couple and yet he absolutely cannot do that.

‘Jae?’

He’s probably going insane right now, making himself mad with all these thoughts, but he cannot really stop them from happening, cannot live with the mistakes that he’s made.

Tip tap tap

‘Huh?’

He blinks a couple of times, quickly touching his cheek and looking at his wet fingers in confusion.

Is he crying?

Oh no

He’s actually crying here, in public. He’s crying in front of everyone in this classroom. He’s crying in front of Yunho!

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I don’t know!’ he yells and quickly wipes the tears away but more start rolling down his cheeks. He looks up at the other in desperation, as if asking him for help.

Tip tap tap

No!

‘You’re really starting to scare me.’

He’s starting to scare himself. The tears don’t stop and keep falling down, leaving big, ugly stains on his papers.

‘Do you believe in soulmates?’

‘No.’

But maybe… but maybe he actually...

‘Excuse me,’ Jaejoong mutters and shoves Yunho out of the way, getting up to his feet. He scrambles to leave the room quickly, not even looking back once. He needs to escape this place, needs to get away from everything.

‘Jae!’ Yunho calls him, but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t spare him a single glance.

To hell with studies and lectures and all that . To hell with soulmarks and soulmates and all those things. To hell with Yunho and Boah and all his feelings, because this right now hurts a little bit too much.

—

Always follow your mind because your heart is stupid as

—

He’s sinking deeper into the darkness, in a hopeless, lonely place that he’s carved out for himself. Down the rabbit hole and into the depths of the ocean, free floating into oblivion.

Nothing has changed, really, and people around him still go on living their lives carelessly. It’s an easy, convenient existence and Jaejoong wishes he could do that too.

‘Just stop. Stop already,’ he hisses, hitting his chest a couple of times before giving up completely. It hurts no matter what he does, the pain doesn’t stop or disappear.

‘Idiot,’ he mutters and hides his face in his knees, trying to disappear from this existence. Once again he’s back in the library, once again he’s hiding from the world. Maybe the librarian doesn’t notice him anymore, maybe she doesn’t care.

‘Jae.’

Oh no

He can’t believe Yunho followed him here.

‘Are you going to sleep here or something?’

‘No.’

Why would the other ask him that?

‘Please just leave me alone.’

But he doesn’t want to fight with the other, so he hides his face deeper in his knees, not daring to look up. It’s a pathetic state to be seen in but it’s not the first time Yunho’s found him like this. Is this developing into some kind of a pattern? He sure hopes it’s not.

‘Want to talk to me?’

‘No.’

Because what’s there left to talk between them? Didn’t he throw his own soulmate away? Didn’t he promise Boah that she could do whatever she wanted with him?

‘Are you sure?’

‘No.’

Jaejoong finds himself extremely funny, he’s probably the most absurd being in this world. Is he slowly going insane? And could someone possibly speed up the process?

‘Jae.’

‘No.’

Yunho truly doesn’t know when to stop.

‘Just leave me alone.’

‘Oh, for the love of— Jae, why are you like this?’ Yunho sighs and for a while there’s only silence between them before the other sits down quietly in front of him. Jaejoong can feel Yunho’s intense stare but he doesn’t dare to look up.

‘Can you at least be a bit more reasonable?’

No

‘...but maybe I can try,’ he mutters and falls silent again, taking deep even breaths.

‘Fine, that’s a start,’ Yunho nods and reaches for his face, long fingers tapping his chin. Jaejoong lets out a small whimper when he’s forced to look up, sharp orbs staring into his very soul.

‘What do you think you are doing right now?’

‘I—’

‘Do you believe in soulmates or not?’

‘I—’

He really doesn’t, he knows, but maybe that’s not all that important right now. Maybe it’s okay to like Yunho for himself and not some stupid marking that they share.

‘You must think me a ing joke.’

‘No.’

‘But, then again, you are a joke yourself. You’re chasing after someone who doesn’t even like you. You’re making yourself into a fool.’

‘I’m not, and I know that you like me.’

‘No. You see? You’re completely delusional. I told you that I don’t like you and you still don’t believe me.’

‘Jae, you don't mean that.’

‘Oh, but I do.’

‘No, you really don’t.’

No. Of course he doesn’t. So why can’t he admit that Yunho is right?

‘Please just tell me one thing,’ the other says as he takes hold of his chin again, turning his face gently. His eyes are so deep that Jaejoong feels like drowning in them and within their depths he can see sadness that he never noticed there before, ‘do you like me at least a little bit?’

Well

Jaejoong opens his mouth, ready to insult Yunho once again, but then slowly closes it.

‘Maybe a little bit,’ he admits, looking to the side, feeling almost shy, ‘I do like you at least a tiny little bit, so are you happy about that now?’

‘Very,’ Yunho nods, brushing some of his drying tears away, ‘you just made me the happiest man alive.’

Jaejoong snorts and shakes his head, not sure what to think of that. He wants to laugh and cry at the same time, because this is worse than all the romantic novels that he’s read and all the cliched dramas that he’s watched combined.

‘Are you making fun of me? How can you say that with a straight face?’

‘I don’t know,’ Yunho grins, tilting his head to the side playfully, ‘maybe you can tell me the answer. Is falling in love with you a joke?’

‘Well—’

Actually, probably…

‘No,’ Yunho shakes his head and looks at Jaejoong with pure frustration, ‘no, the answer is that it’s not a joke. How come I get the most stubborn person ever to be my soulmate? How come you don’t believe me no matter what?’

‘I… I do believe you,’ Jaejoong admits, the gentle fingers on his skin making his eyes grow wet and Yunho brushes the unfallen tears away.

‘Hey,’ his voice is soft and soothing and awfully bad for his heart, ‘how about we stop all this crying and start kissing instead?’

Well. Maybe

But it’s not like Yunho asked him the last time he kissed him.

‘But what about Boah—’ Jaejoong swallows hard as Yunho leans in, the last persistent thought still lingering on his mind.

‘Forget about her,’ Yunho shoots him down and finally closes the gap left between them, his lips pressed against his softly. This time it’s slow and gentle and loving and it finally feels—

Right

There are at least a thousand million thoughts buzzing around in Jaejoong’s mind. Thoughts of promises and threats and too many obstacles. Thoughts of families and children and happy holidays. They all mix together, flash brighter than an exploding star, and then disappear altogether. They all make a huge commotion inside of his brain and yet, the moment Yunho’s lips are pressed against his own, they all fall silent.

It’s like a warm summer day after a long winter, like a warm meal after days of hunger, like a soft padded bed after sleeping on the floor.

‘Do you believe me now?’ Yunho asks as they part and Jaejoong stares at him in wonder, feeling like he just discovered a whole new world.

Does he? Absolutely not. But will he try his hardest to give a chance to this completely unreasonable love? Absolutely…

‘Yes.’

—

It is easy to hate and difficult to love, and yet human beings do both equally

—

He’s sinking deeper into an abyss again.

He looks up to see the surface and realizes he can’t reach it anymore. Hot flames at his sides, holding him in a pleasurable torture.

‘,’ he heaves, his breathing uneven, ‘this is absolutely insane.’

Yunho’s hands travel down his sides, holding him into a tight embrace. But this time he’s not afraid of the dark.

‘You like that?’ the other asks and Jaejoong muffles a laugh, trying his best to be quiet.

Madness

Because they have to be quiet but they are also completely out of their minds.

‘Do you even know what you’re doing?’ he asks and Yunho answers with a kiss, sliding his shirt off of his shoulders. His muscles ripple, s rock hard from the arousal he feels, and ok, maybe he looks very experienced.

‘We could have been doing this for months,’ Yunho chides as he trails wet kisses down Jaejoong’s neck, leaving small bites here and there.

Sure they could have, sure that would have been nice, but they probably would have also been thrown out of the university by now, so maybe this is for the best.

‘Yunho, we can’t do it here,’ Jaejoong groans, arching his back more to give better access to his fully exposed neck, and he knows that this kind of attitude is not helping him to carry across his point.

‘No? Then let’s go to my room.’

‘Too far,’ Jaejoong protests and Yunho s his pants, not bothering to ask for permission anymore.

Maybe they both are completely crazy.

‘Then here?’

‘Yes,’ Jaejoong moans and pulls him even closer, feeling some of the books behind him shift and slide onto the floor.

Crazy. Definitely very very crazy, and yet he doesn’t care.

Yunho’s hands are fast and unrelenting, finding their way into his boxers, traveling down along his thighs. It’s a quiet day at the university and Jaejoong’s grateful that they are at the furthest end of the library. He’s not shy by any means but he’s also not too sure how he would feel about being the main attraction of their not too subtle display of affection.

‘Have you ever done this before?’

‘What? Had ?’ Jaejoong looks up in confusion, not sure if he understood the question right, ‘of course I have had before, Yunho. I’m not exactly a—’

‘Good,’ Yunho interrupts, tearing a moan from deep within Jaejoong’s chest when his long fingers wrap around his .

Ok, but maybe not in public.

Jaejoong whimpers and bites his lip, feeling like he’s going to die. He’s never felt so hot before, like every touch of his body is sinking deeper into his skin and melting all the broken pieces of his heart together. Instead of an itch there are now trembles running down his back, fullness where there was emptiness before.

‘I think I kind of love you,’ Jaejoong mumbles and Yunho stops everything, his whole stance going rigid.

‘What?’

He kind of regrets having said that.

‘Do you mean it?’ Yunho asks and looks at him with such shining eyes that they must be stars plucked right out of the sky.

‘I do,’ Jaejoong admits and kisses the other sweetly, feeling rather stupid for having denied it for so long.

‘In that case,’ Yunho groans and pushes away from him, grabbing their shirts and starting to put them back on their half bodies, ‘we’re going to my room.’

‘But why,’ Jaejoong whines and watches the whole scene with glassy, lust filled eyes, not sure if he wants to follow. Things between them were starting to feel really good and he would love to pick up from where they left.

‘Let’s just continue—’

‘No,’ Yunho shakes his head, giving him a quick kiss before he takes Jaejoong by the hand, ‘because the things I want to do to you are not going to work on the library floor.’

‘Does those things include me being ed relentlessly in your mattress?’ Jaejoong wonders and Yunho nods, and then they don’t talk anymore.

Yunho helps him up from the spotless floor and they hurry out of the library past all the first year students giving them confused looks.

‘I think they may suspect something,’ Yunho chuckles and Jaejoong rolls his eyes, grabbing him by the back of his neck.

‘Good,’ he says as he pulls the other close, kissing him deep and hard, ‘because I want the whole ing world know whom exactly you belong to.’

—

‘You know that was kind of low,’ Jessica sighs as she sits next to her friend, watching the other with a weary caution. It’s a small cafe away from the public eye and the mood around them is tranquil.

‘Oh, you think so?’ Boah asks, turning to Jessica with a dark look, before a wide smile appears on her face, ‘but all of this ended perfectly well, so what’s the big fuss about?’

‘Because it could have gone terribly wrong.’

‘But it didn’t,’ she shrugs and returns to her book, her smug smile staying on her lips. Only after a while she realizes that the other is still staring at her.

‘Wait. Don’t tell me you were actually worried about this whole affair?’

‘Yes,’ Jessica hesitates for a moment but then nods, watching her hands awkwardly.

‘Really?’

‘Well, you were very convincing.’

‘So what? And that’s what got you so worried?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh lord,’ Boah chuckles, shaking her head in amusement and leans a bit closer to the other girl. One of her hands reaches for Jessica’s cheek, caressing it lightly.

‘Did you really get jealous of Jung Yunho?’ she brushes some strands out of her face, smirking when a slight blush appears on those cheeks.

‘I told you that you were very convincing!’ Jessica protests and turns away, ashamed of her own reaction. Boah snorts but her eyes maintain a warm, soft glow and a small smile lingers on her lips.

For a while they just sit there, completely lost in each other’s presence, before a passing waiter interrupts them.

‘Well I guess that’s over,’ Boah coughs and Jessica agrees, picking up her bag and getting to her feet.

‘Let’s go home,’ she says and Boah takes her hand, tugging on it gently.

‘Let’s,’ she agrees and pulls her close, pressing a quick kiss to her lips.

They lace their fingers together as they walk out of the cafe, their matching markings visible on their joined hands.

—

 

 

end.