A life well lived

When the summer morning streaks across the sky, he sits in the window watching the colours change as the hours pass. He hears the screeching and chirping of the birds as they fly in swooping shapes and circles amongst the farmland. Thoughts pass through his mind just as graceful and wonderful as the magpies in the pink and orange sky; memories of tanned ankles and rolled up jeans wrap his mind in a cocoon of summer humidity. Soft, round eyes linger momentarily on the small stream that is barely visible from his window as plush lips pull into a lilting smile as he remembers the sounds of boyish laughter and crinkled-up almond-shaped eyes, soft ebony hair falling gently across the young man’s brow before a lithe and caramel hand pushes it back and away from his forehead, showcasing nothing but perfection with his hazel eyes and soft jawline.

“Kyungsoo hyung stop splashing, you’re going to get us drenched.” The youngest whines, hazel eyes widening in innocence before moving his hand through the water in retaliation.

The sun glimmers on the rippled surface of the water, bouncing off the younger’s honeyed face and leaving a golden glow settling in the summer afternoon that surrounds them.

“It’s okay Jongin-ah, I have spare clothes in the house. Come on, it’s refreshing. Let’s go for a swim.” A delicate looking boy, wide eyes, raven hair and a heart-shaped smile leads them to the small pond.

That same heart-shaped smile lilts again as he continues to watch the memory from his window, eyes now creased with age. They move towards the forest, closer to the house now as more fond memories play out before him.

This time it’s raining as the younger sits in a tree, his coat held open above his head and legs dangling from the branch.

“It’s not that scary hyung, come on! Just a little further.” And those lips are smiling in encouragement, the plump flesh stretching wide and lighting up his face in a way the sun never could.

Worn converse squeak against the bark and slip an inch sending the elder’s heart into his mouth for a moment but his eyes are fixed, they never leave the image of Jongin’s encouraging face. The tips of the younger’s now pink hair drip onto his slightly chubby cheeks, like drops of honey sitting atop a hill of brown sugar. Then he feels it, a tingle in his hand as those lithe fingers grip his own and hoist him up onto the branch, the makeshift umbrella being placed over his head too. The smell of the earth is delightful from up here, refreshed by the pouring rain around them.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Jongin asks, his face turning towards the elder.

“Yeah, and so peaceful.” The two sit side by side for a few moments before he feels warmth encasing his hand and when he glances down he notices the intertwining of tanned skin and pale digits. His heart hammers at triple the pace but he continues to admire the view, not wanting to pull away from the alluring warmth. Jongin’s face takes on a softer smile as he chances a glance before they resume the peaceful viewing of the forest.

Kyungsoo adjusts the glasses on his face and wipes away a small tear, hands running through his silver hair. His gaze then settles on the rusted old tractor sitting outside the barn.

“Hyung, can I ask you something?” Jongin is acting a little strangely, his fingers fidgeting from where they are sat side by side in the tractor eating cheese sandwiches that Kyungsoo’s mother had made them.

“Hmmm. Sure.” The eldest responds, finishing the last morsel of bread.

Outside the tranquillity of the tractor, the autumn leaves swirl in browns and oranges as they whip up in small groups before falling momentarily to the ground again. The wind is fierce, the tractor’s window shaking lightly every so often, reminding them of the chaos that surrounds them. For this moment though, for a brief moment in time, everything is still and quiet between the two.

“Do you think? I mean. Am-am I attractive?” Jongin asks biting his lower lip, his sandwich almost untouched on the dashboard. Kyungsoo instinctively turns to face the younger, taking his hands and turning them so they can both look at each other.

“That’s the stupidest question you have ever asked. Jongin-ah, you’re so handsome, how can you not see it?” Kyungsoo takes a moment here to notice how his friend has grown, cheeks no longer chubby but defined with high cheekbones. The younger has grown into his full lips so they now sit perfectly above his defined jawline but more than anything, Kyungsoo takes an extra moment to admire the golden flecks that highlight those hazel eyes and compliment the chestnut coloured hair.

“I-if I’m so handsome then why does nobody look at me like… like, differently?” Those eyes don’t just look magnificent in the sun but they hold an insecurity that Kyungsoo has never seen before, the younger is usually so carefree and outgoing.

“There are tons of girls who fawn over you at the college you know? Minah, Jihyo, Scarlett… just to name a few.” Kyungsoo lets out a chuckle as he remembers them pestering him at the start of the year about who his handsome dongsaeng is.

“What if they’re not the ones I want to notice me?” For the first time there is direct eye contact between the two.

“Jongin what – ”

“Hyung. Kyungsoo hyung. I need to know how you see me? I want to stay your best friend no matter what your answer is. But I have to know, it’s killing me inside.” Jongin looks earnest but for the first time ever, he sees sadness in the other’s eyes.

“Jongin I – I see you as a man. Someone I want to be closer to, to get to know uhm… differently.” Kyungsoo smiles a little at his paraphrase of the younger’s previous words. Before he can think about how Jongin will react, the tanned male has his thick lips pressed chastely against his own. The tension in his shoulders seems to melt on instant and for the first time in years, he feels like he can breathe.

“I miss you.” Kyungsoo whispers to the glass of his bedroom window as he brings a shaky and wrinkled hand to the window to close it. Close the door on the past. On this Jongin. On a young love that burnt too bright and too fast, like being on a rollercoaster with no safety harness. The image of the pastures blur in his vision as tears quickly fill the space and he turns around to pick up a photograph from the nightstand. Jongin with his grey hair stands beside him, arm around his waist casually as he rests his head atop the shorter male’s equally grey hair. They both share a wide grin, the Canadian mountains behind them. A splendid trip, a long life well lived together.

He slumps then, back curved as he sits on the edge of the bed and replaces the picture back in its original spot.

A warm hand rests on his lower back, the covers rustling beside him.

“Soo? What’s wrong, why have you been crying?” Jongin rises from his sleep and scoots over to rest his chin on the elder’s shoulder.

“No reason, just thinking about times passed is all.” Kyungsoo gives a warm smile, trying to put other thoughts from his mind.

“We still have lots of future memories to make together honey.” Jongin’s thumb swipes at the other’s lips before Kyungsoo leans in for a languid kiss. “Good morning. Do you want a cup of tea?” Jongin whispers as they break the kiss, both now with large smiles on their faces.

“Sure Nini, thanks.” Kyungsoo watches the younger exit the room, hair stuck up in messy angles just like always. He looks adorable.

It’s hard, sometimes Jongin is his Jongin. Sometimes the younger wakes up in a panic with no idea who Kyungsoo is or where he is. Other times they reminisce about the past and everything is just like normal, a life well lived and a future on the horizon. Sometimes Jongin will suddenly turn on him with fear in his eyes, once again lost. It’s hard, really hard but through everything Kyungsoo loves him unconditionally. Even as time goes by and the disease takes away his memories bit by bit, the elder wouldn’t have it any other way because having Jongin even like this, is better than imagining a life without his soulmate by his side.

A life well lived.

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I hope you liked this little snippet. Most of you will probably know that I haven't been well and I've been suffering with my mental health which has made it really hard to write but I've had one of those rare days today where I feel happy! Yey!

Despite this I know the fic wasn't really happy but it kind-of was too. Anyways, this is just me trying to use my writing as a kind of therapy and also try and get back into writing so I can finish EOR. (sorry its been so long).

Comments are always really appreciated. Thanks so much for reading, let me know what you think. It's nice to be back, even with something short.

Xx L xX