Jinki had this little metal rectangle that played music. I wasn't allowed to listen to music, and I was afraid to at first, but he left it with me in case I changed my mind. I stared at it for a long time while I thought over what Jessica had said. If we got married, nothing would change. I could live with him, and sleep in his bed with him, and everything would be ok. Jinki would take care of me, and I could keep going to school. I could be happy, and not be afraid of anything. It all sounded so amazing, but the thought of marriage was overwhelming. I told him I needed to think about it, and mostly I was just glad I had had the frame of mind to say that, instead of screaming at them. It was all so stressful, and I just couldn't calm down at all.

 

Marriage was a thing that said my future is with this person. My forever relies on this person. That terrified me. We were kids. Kids weren't supposed to have forever planned out. I wasn't used to thinking past the minute I was in, and here I was being asked to make a decision that would shape my entire future? I could feel the anxiety numbing my fingers and I shook my head, trying to focus on taking deep breaths, and calming down. I hated my weakness, I hated that I let these thoughts consume me, become all I could focus on to the point where I needed to be told the one thing I wanted to hear, otherwise I would never calm down. I didn't even realize I was crying again until I called out for Jinki, who had gone into the hall with Jessica to talk.

 

"Taemin, why are you crying?" He asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. He gathered me into his arms and I gasped for air, clinging desperately to him. "Tell me what's wrong, baby. I can't fix it if I don't know."

 

I was slightly startled at the use of the pet name. He'd never done that before, but I just tucked myself in closer to him and worked on slowing my breathing down. I was afraid of talking to him for the first time, and I didn't understand it. It wasn't my usual fear, though, this was something new. I was afraid he would reject me in some simple way, purely due to my strangeness. I took a slow deep breath and sniffled slightly, wiping at my own tears for a moment before Jinki took over, watching me with patient and kind eyes.

 

"What if I want to do something? If I want to go somewhere really bad?" I asked him. I could feel my nose twitching and my lips trembling, and I knew I looked awful. Jinki leaned in and kissed my nose, then petted my hair. "Would you let me go? Would you come with me?" 

 

"You're afraid that if we get married, we'll be stuck, right?" He asked. It sounded terrible, but it was true. I nodded slowly, feeling ashamed, but he smiled. "It is pretty scary. But, we're still young, and we can do anything we want. If we got married tomorrow, then next week we could decide to travel the world, and no one could tell us no. We could quit our jobs and vanish, and it wouldn't be anyone's business. I wasn't planning to live here forever, and I don't think you are either, right? We talked about this. About going places, remember? It's no different at all from that."

 

"I'm just scared." I told him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him my specific fears - that he would try to controll me, or hurt me, or be mean - but I think he knew. He hugged me tight.

 

"Taemin, the only thing that would change is you would wear a ring, and I would too." He said. "We would belong to each other. We would have a match, and everyone would know. It's not to show that one of us is in charge of the other."

 

"Then what is it?" I asked, my tears slowing down. He wiped my cheeks gently.

 

"It just means we get to show the rest of the world that we love each other, and it's ok." Jinki said. I stared at him for a minute before speaking.

 

"It means..we're not alone anymore." I said, and he smiled.

 

"Exactly. We're never alone. We've got each other." Jinki said. I snuggled against him and nodded, and he let out a breath. "I'm glad, Taemin. I'm really glad."

 

"Jinki?" I said. He hummed softly in response. "If..if we didn't have to..would you still want to?"

 

"Of course I would, Taemin. I love being with you." Jinki said. I nodded slowly, relaxing completely against him. We were quiet for a few minutes, and I reached up to move my hair.

 

"Am I allowed to take a shower? I feel really gross, and I don't like it at all." I asked, feeling the grime left on my fingers.

 

"Well, they took all of your tubes out, so I don't see why not. Let me go ask the nurse first, ok?" He said. I nodded and watched him go, only to return about a minute later with fluffy towels. "Should I...I mean..do you need help, Taemin?"

 

"I..I don't know." I told him. He sighed and walked over to me, looping his arms around my back.

 

"Would you feel better if I sat in the bathroom with you, or out here?" He asked. I blushed, cuddling against him as I thought of the best way to answer without sounding clingy.

 

"I feel better when I can see or hear you." I told him. He smiled a crooked little grin and lifted me off the hospital bed, carrying me into the bathroom. He set me down in front of the shower, then paused.

 

"I forgot to bring your cloths." He said. "But, I have my bag with me. Do you want to borrow some of mine?"

 

"If it's ok with you." I said, nodding shyly. He smiled.

 

"I'll go get them. Turn on the shower, but just wait a minute before you get in so it's not the wrong temperature, ok?" He said, leaning in and catching my lips for the first time since the whole mess had begun. I barely had time to respond before he was pulling away. I blushed and focused on the shower, automatically turning on the cold water. I stood for a minute, watching it pour down, before I started taking off the hospital gown. Jinki came back in and walked over to where I was struggling with the strings, and paused when he felt some of the water's spray hit his hand. "Taemin..you're supposed to turn on the hot water, too."

 

"What?" I asked, and I looked at him to see he was smiling at me like I had made a mistake.

 

"If you shower in cold water you'll get sick again." He explained, reaching into the shower and turning another knob. He pulled my hand into the water to feel it, and it was warm. Not too hot, but enough to relax me. I pulled my hand back and shook my head.

 

"Jinki, I'll get in trouble." I told him. "We're not at your house. It's not allowed."

 

"What?" He asked, his tone was sharp, and he looked slightly aggitated. I flinched back instinctively.

 

"Dirty people don't get hot showers." I explained, stressing out over the confusion in my head. I was dirty, it was obvious just looking at me. "The cold water freezes the bad out."

 

"Taemin, you're not bad." He told me, slight annoyance clear in his voice, and I could see him getting angry. He reached towards me, and I cringed away from him. He froze in place, his arm stretched out, and stared at me. "Taemin...don't be afraid of me. You know me. I wouldn't hurt you."

 

"But you're mad. It's different when people get mad." I told him. His mouth hung open for a minute, and then he shook his head. He beconed for me to come closer, and I obliged nervously. He pulled me against his chest and let out a ragged breath. I looked up and saw tears on his face. "Why are you crying?"

 

"Because, Taemin, sometimes you tell me things, and it just breaks my heart." He said. "You're not dirty. You're not bad. And, Taemin, I would never, never hurt you. I don't know why you think these things, because they're not true. You're a beautiful person, so please just...stop listening to all of those lies. It's not ok for you to think that you deserve this. Everyone should be allowed to have a warm shower, Taemin."

 

"But...my mother..." I felt like I was going to cry again. I didn't want him to be upset, and I knew he was, and it was all my fault.

 

"Taemin, you're mother didn't deserve to have you." Jinki said.

 

I hugged him tightly, and he kissed me again, slower this time. When he pulled back this time, he pulled the strings on my hospital gown and let it fall to the ground around me. I stared at his eyes, and he stared at mine the whole time, and even though I was embarassed and afraid, I knew I would be ok. I pushed down the pants and stepped into the shower, feeling the heat absorb into my body. I knew he was still on the other side of the curtain, and I was embarassed, but I poked my head out after a minute. He looked at me curiously and I let my gaze fall to the floor for a moment. Jinki said asking for help was ok, and I had to listen to the small part of me that trusted him. It was hard, because in our time apart doubts had risen, but I knew he would make them go away. I would trust him completely, with time, but to get there, I would have to work as hard as him.

 

"Can you help me wash my hair?" I mumbled shyly. I heard him laugh, and I looked up at him to see that beautiful smile on his face. Relief washed through me, then, with the knowledge that I could make him happy.

 

"Of course. Hand me the shampoo."

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Jinki's starting to show how he feels about Taemin's parents. o: What will come next? Well. I'm already working on the next two chapters, so you shouldn't have to wait too long to find out~