"Taemin?" Jinki said. I looked up at him, surprised, and yanking my hands back to my body. I had been reaching for his iPod when he spoke up, but my skiddish brain caused me to panic and leave it where it was. He smiled apologetically, and I looked down awkwardly, blushing.

 

"Yeah?" I said. I felt his hand on my leg and I moved over so he could sit. I let my arms relax and I looked up at him sheepishly, sliding my legs over his so I could touch him.

 

"I..I want you to meet someone. I've been telling her about you for a while, and.." He trailed off. "She's really important to me. So..it's important that you try to get along, ok?"

 

"O-ok.." I said, shrinking back a bit. I wasn't good with first impressions, and if this woman meant a lot to Jinki, and I messed it up..what would happen? What if she hated me? Jinki reached out to me, pulling me closer to him, and kissed my head gently. He smiled down at me, and I cuddled against his chest, holding onto the sleeves of the sweatshirt he had given me. "Is she nice?"

 

The second the words left my lips, I heard blood rushing behind my ears. It sounded like a windstorm inside my brain, rushing through and blocking everything outside. Jinki looked at me, surprised by my question, and I hid my face, shame taking over. Why was I making it about me? I shook my head rapidly, rubbing the sleeves against my face until the friction felt like it was burning my skin off. Jinki grabbed my wrists and I jolted, pulling to try to get away from him. He looked at my face, and brushed his fingers against the place I had been rubbing. I realized his mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear him. I was breathing too hard, and I coughed suddenly, before blinking several times. He had stopped talking now, and was just staring at me. I took slow deep breaths, clearly calming down as I stared back at him and took a moment to think.

 

What triggered that attack? Nothing. I just freaked out. What was wrong with me? Why did he even want to be with me? How could he love someone as messed up as I was? It didn't make sense, and I pulled my legs off of his as I felt the panic rising again. I hunched over, trying my best to force it out as the thoughts swirled in my head. He would realize some day that there was no fixing me. I was busted merchandise, and he would go looking somewhere else. I choked on my air and suddenly Jinki was moving around me, but I had no concept of what was going on outside of myself. I felt my head spinning and my body going numb as I tried too hard to gasp for air. I was crying, inhaling my tears and saliva, and suddenly I was just sick all over the bed. Then I cried harder, and someone was wiping my mouth, then taking the blanket away.

 

I felt arms around me, holding me tight in a warm place, and I fought against it before grasping it, focusing on it. I followed that physical heat, like a lifeline pulling me out of my mental trap. When I caught on to Jinki's smell I burrowed my head into his chest as he rocked me gently, my hair. I became aware of the taste of my own salty tears on my lips, and I got that much closer to reality. I forced my eyes open and focused on him, and he was looking at me with such worry in his eyes that I didn't know what to do. He looked almost afraid, and I grabbed onto his shirt, focusing on the last sense I seemed to be missing. I heard myself crying, as though it were muffled, then suddenly it was sharp and clear, and I gasped, reaching up to my face and wiping my eyes. Jinki pushed my hand out of the way and wiped at my tears himself, and I looked around at all the people in the room. There were three nurses I had come to know, two doctors that had been assigned to my case, Jessica, and a woman I had never seen before. I was exhausted, suddenly, but guilt won out over the need to hide myself away inside of Jinki's arms. I looked around at them all, breathing slowly. I pulled my knees up against my chest, then wrapped my arms around them, bringing my left hand up to my hair. It was a small comfort I had offered myself over the years, and it was helping me keep calm enough to face them without Jinki standing behind me.

 

"I..." I tried to talk, my voice rough. I coughed a bit and looked up at Jinki, then everyone else as I finally whispered out what I wanted to say. "I'm sorry."

 

There was sadness in all the eyes of the people in the room, and I didn't know what to do. Jinki stared at me with an expression I hadn't seen before. I felt like I was shrinking, and I hugged myself tighter as a new thought occured to me. Was I in trouble? I hadn't freaked out this bad since one time when I was staying with Jinki. I began to shake all over, and Jinki suddenly pulled me close to him. He my hair gently, and I held onto him tightly. He kissed my head softly and I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm what had begun to stir. There was no need for round 3.

 

"Am I in trouble?" I asked. Jinki stilled suddenly, before he leaned back from me and looked me in the eye.

 

"Why would you be in trouble?" He asked, looking surprised. I opened and closed my mouth a few times.

 

"I made a mess." I said, uncertainty clear in my voice. He shook his head, looking away.

 

"Taemin, I don't know what to do to make you believe me.." He said, then turned back to me. "You have done nothing wrong. You won't get in trouble or be punished for accidents. I just want to make you happy, and make you feel better. I want you to be safe and comfortable, and I'm trying really hard."

 

I didn't know what to say to that, so instead I squashed myself against him. He rubbed my back and played with my hair, humming softly so I could hear it. I closed my eyes and listened, relaxing against him. Jinki would sing to me in the night, if I had nightmares, and it always made me feel better. I could hardly believe I could love someone so much that I had only known three months. It almost hurt, and I sighed against him, a smile working it's way onto my face.

 

"I love you." I whispered, looking up at him shyly. He squeezed me closer, his own face breaking into a grin.

 

"I love you too." He told me. He looked around for a moment, then back at me. "Do you remember the woman I wanted you to meet? She's my mother. Can you say hi?"

 

"Where is she?" I asked. He got up slowly, still allowing me to hold onto his shirt. The only other people still in the room were Jessica and the woman I didn't recognize.

 

"Taemin?" She said softly. I nodded, glancing up at Jinki automatically. He pet my hair softly. "My name is Haneul. How are you feeling?"

 

"I'm ok." I said, watching her carefully. "How are you?"

 

"I'm doing well. Do you mind if I come sit with you?" She asked. I was really surprised by her question, but I let go of Jinki's shirt and patted the empty space on the bed. She smiled softly and sat beside me. "Jinki's told me a lot about you. How nice you are, and how you like to cook. How you're really shy and very cute."

 

"He said that?" I asked. She nodded, and I looked up at Jinki. He was smiling at me, and I bit my lip before turning back to his mother. "I don't cook as well as him. I'm working on it, but he's just better than I am. I got in trouble for making bad food a lot, and.."

 

I stopped talking as quickly as I had started, watching her for any sign that she might be angry. You weren't supposed to talk badly about your parents. I remained completely still, watching her, and she tilted her head a bit, before looking up at Jinki. He touched my head and I looked up at him quickly, before looking back at her. I studied her for a moment, then relaxed a bit. It was clear she wasn't angry, and I let out a breath I had been holding.

 

"He makes really good cocoa." I told her. "He makes it with milk, and he puts fluff on top instead of marshmallows."

 

"Really?" She asked, sounding slightly amused. She looked up at Jinki with a small smile. "That's just how I make it."

 

"You don't say." Jinki said, sounding like he was teasing her. I tugged on his sleeve, keeping my eyes on her as he bent down. "What's up?"

 

"Um.."  I leaned in close to his ear, still keeping an eye on his mother, and whispered softly to him. "Am I doing ok?"

 

"Taemin.." He said, sighing a bit. He picked me up off the bed, scaring me a bit, before he sat where I had been and held me in his lap. He turned his attention to his mother. "He's afraid you don't like him."

 

"Well, there's nothing to worry about." She said, reaching out toward me. I cringed away automatically, slipping out of Jinki's hold to avoid her touch. She looked hurt, and I felt guilt crushing me as I hid behind Jinki. Even the thought of her touching me terrified me. Not even the doctors could touch me without a lot of effort, and I felt horrible about it.

 

"That's still something we're working on." He said softly, reaching around to wrap his arm around my waist and pull me back into his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder as I sat facing him and stared at his t-shirt collar. "Taemin, you know I won't let you get hurt right?"

 

"Y-yeah." I said, nodding. He pulled me away from his chest so he could look at me. My thoughts flashed momentarily on how small he made me feel, but then I focused on him.

 

"Then just do me a favor." He requested. I eyed him warily as he reached his arm towards his mother, taking her hand and bringing it over to me. "Don't panic."

 

I nodded slowly, holding onto his t-shirt as tightly as I could as I felt their hands come into contact with my arm. I flinched slightly, but forced myself to stay where I was as Jinki's hand dropped away, coming to rest on my hip as his mother rubbed my shoulder gently. I tucked my head under Jinki's chin and looked over at her fearfully. I wished I could have just accepted her touch, but I knew it was going to be a while before I was comfortable with her. I liked her a lot, but that didn't mean I trusted her. She petted my hair for a minute or so before sighing.

 

"You should let me cut your hair." She said absently. I squeezed Jinki tighter and shook my head, but she didn't see. "It's pretty long for a boy. If you bring it up to the base of your neck, even, I think-"

 

"No!" I said sharply, pulling away from Jinki. He let me hide behind him as he shook his head.

 

"I was trying to tell you before. He won't cut his hair." He said, and I looked up at him. He wrapped his arm around me, letting me tuck in beside him. "Scissors."

 

I looked at her apologetically, but her expression matched mine. I felt bad, but I just couldn't trust her. I still flinched sometimes when Jinki touched me.

 

A few hours later, she left. I layed with my head on Jinki's chest, relaxing and being greatful that his mother have given her approval. I was so tired, but I wasn't ready to sleep. Jinki was already out cold, and I sat up slowly, reaching over him to take hold of his iPod. There was a certain determination I had never felt before coming over me, demanding that I do this. I put the buds in my ears and made sure the volume was on low before I started searching through his music, not sure what to listen to. I eventually settled on a band called So Nyuh Shi Dae and decided to listen to a song called Genie. I curled back up against Jinki and closed my eyes, letting the music flow through me, and knowing somehow that it would change my life.