(credit: exo-stentialism)

tw // alcohol

The sound of your phone buzzing against the surface of your desk made you want to turn off the device completely. It had been going off for the past hour almost rhythmically, driving you insane as you tried to do your makeup. Your fingers gripped one of your many tubes of lipstick, gliding the expensive wax across your lips, staining them a deep brown that would later dry matte. The shade was... fitting. It gave your face the subtle hint of color that it needed. You took a tissue from the box that was sitting next to your makeup brushes and lightly blotted your lips, careful not to remove too much of the warm pigment or spread it anywhere else on your skin that was already covered in foundation. 

Another buzz rang through the cool air of your bedroom as you quickly scanned your face using the reflection of your mirror, trying to make sure that nothing was out of place. Sharply winged eyeliner, thoroughly blended eyeshadow, evenly placed contour; it was all perfect. Normally, you wouldn’t dress like this, especially when you were just going out with your friends from high school, but tonight was slightly different. You turned 20 only a month ago and the feeling of needing to dress maturely had been weighing on you lately. A night out with your friends during the holiday break gave you the perfect excuse to dress up a bit, so why not try to play around with your makeup a little as well?

You took the restless device that sat next to you into your hands and opened it to see dozens of messages from your friends. They were talking to each other in the group chat you all were in and were undoubtedly the ones causing your phone to go frantic for the past hour or so. There were way too many messages for you to read every single one, but your eyes skimmed through the chat to find the important ones, starting from after you last texted everyone. It wasn’t surprising that there were only a few messages in the sea of stupid jokes and pointless spam that were actually worth reading, but you were at least glad that you didn't have to read each and every one.

minseok [8:21]:

“Sehun, did you get all drinks we asked for?”

sehun [8:21]:

“dont worry i got everything. my friend picked me up a lot of stuff”

jongdae [8:22]:

“Great!!! >< I can’t wait for tonight!!! Just try not to get sick like last time Sehun...”

sehun [8:22]:

“you should be the last one to talk about that. and don't act like i was the only one to get sick.”

He was right. Sehun wasn’t the only one to get sick that night. You grimaced at the memory of you sitting near a porcelain toilet while your friend was next to you, trembling and hunched over with his head in a newly-installed bathtub. The two of you were stupid enough to play a drinking game, despite the fact that you both were already starting to slur your words. It was an awful idea, but you thought you could handle your liquor long enough for him to cave. Part of you only wanted to beat him because of your own competitive nature, while the other part of you just wanted to take the 10 dollars he had crumpled up in his wallet so that you could buy yourself lunch the next day. What didn’t help was that your other friend, Jongdae, who suggested the game in the first place, kept encouraging the both of you to keep downing more and more alcohol while Minseok was busy talking to his girlfriend on the phone in the other room. The eldest, too engrossed in the conversation he was having, was completely unaware of what was going on and therefore, unable to stop it. 

By the time he came back, you were tightly clinging onto the bowl in front of you, resting the side of your head on the cold seat as you watched Sehun prepare himself to have more fluids violently spew out of him. All while this was happening, Jongdae was in the living room, eating the last few slices of pepperoni pizza and laughing at the video he recorded on his phone of the whole ordeal. It was a rough night for everyone. Since Jongdae was the one who instigated the situation, he was forced to take care of the two of you until you both fell asleep, as well as pay Minseok back for both the drinks and the food. He really couldn’t complain since he admitted he was wrong for suggesting the game in the first place and felt extremely guilty once he saw how hungover you both were the following morning, but once you two were feeling better again and weren't so pissed at him, he couldn't help but to feel satisfied with himself since he ended up getting videos of almost everything. Even now, he still sends them to the group chat whenever everyone's silent for a day or two. The sound of you hurling into Minseok's toilet still makes your skin crawl whenever you rewatch the clip.    

However, that particular night wasn’t what the rest were like. The four of you have had a total of eight ‘AA meetings’ since your senior year of high school. The nickname for your alcohol-involved get togethers with them came from a stupid joke Sehun uttered a couple of years ago. Only one other person thought it was funny and that gave Sehun enough of a reason to make it the name of the group chat you all were in. These "meetings" started once Minseok was able to stay home during the holidays instead of having to go visit his relatives with his parents. It was much easier for all of them to just let him stay home since his parents knew how prone he was to getting car sick. It had always been a problem for them whenever they had to take long-distance trips anywhere. His nausea would get so bad to the point that his parents needed to make multiple stops for him whenever they were on the road, adding several hours to the car rides there and back, but once his parents agreed that he was old enough and responsible enough to stay home alone for a couple of days, that was when it all started.

Minseok only invited you that first night since you were his closest friend. He felt comfortable with you and he knew you wouldn’t drink much since you barely ever drank anything whenever the two of you went to parties. It wasn’t like you were one of those kids that refused to drink. You just weren't comfortable with drinking around that many strangers. It was a safety precaution that you took whenever going to high school parties, but since it would only be you and Minseok drinking a simple bottle of wine, you readily agreed. Sure, even though it was highly unlikely, something could happen if you drank alone with him, but your tolerance was high enough to handle a few glasses of wine. Enough so that you could get yourself out of there if you had to. Your trust in Minseok was almost concrete, but you really couldn't be completely sure since this would be your first time drinking with him alone.

He mentioned that, after a short session of insincere begging, he was able to get some wine from an older friend of his and wanted to share it with you. His only condition was making you promise to not get faced. He was joking, of course. He knew you well enough to know that you were responsible enough to drink only what you could handle and trustworthy enough to not snitch on him to his parents, which is why you were the first person that came to his mind when thinking about who he could comfortably drink with.

It was a pretty mild night, honestly. The two of you watched some movies on his couch while munching on some snacks he bought, taking into consideration your favorite ones and buying them just for you. It was partly out of kindness, and partly because he wanted to pick out which movies to watch. It was a pretty smart move, you admitted, if only you had actually cared about which movies you wanted to watch. They got boring right around midnight, but they continued to play in the background while the two of you just talked. What started off as just mindless jabbering became a long conversation about nothing and everything that lasted until morning. Neither of you could believe how long the both of you had been talking until day finally broke and you realized that neither of you felt even the slightest bit of exhaustion.

There were definitely some tears shed on both ends, but neither of you would ever admit that it was something more than just the red wine in your systems that made you two so emotional. Still, that night practically solidified your friendship with Minseok, as well as your trust in him. You two were practically stuck with each other forever, and honestly, neither of you would have it any other way. You were both each other’s go-to, even when it came to relationships (or especially when it came to relationships). You helped him when it came to his girlfriend, Jihyun, and he helped you with your now ex-boyfriend, Baekhyun. He was the biggest comfort you had when your relationship ended, which is why you were so grateful for him, the person you now considered your closest friend.

A few weeks later, when the two of you were planning to hang out and drink again around New Years, Jongdae and Sehun quietly listened in on the conversation you two were having. Halfway through the conversation, they both came up to Minseok and playfully threatened him that if he didn’t let them tag along, then they would tell his parents. Minseok knew that they weren’t serious, but he was still hesitant about letting them in on something that was initially meant for just the two of you. The only reason he said yes was because Sehun had someone who could supply him with any drinks they needed, which was a relief for Minseok since the only thing he could get was a single bottle of wine every once and a while from a friend that lived almost a half-hour away. 

You found it a little weird that they wanted to join in, especially when all Sehun did back in high school was drink and party on an almost regular basis during the weekends, but you later came to find out from Jongdae that he just got a little jealous when he saw that two of his closest friends were hanging out without him. When you asked him if what Jongdae said was true, the sullen look on his face when he began explaining how mad he was that the two of you were making plans without him was all too adorable. Even though he was quite a few months older than you, he still acted like a baby, but you didn't mind since the slightly childish attitude suited him. Jongdae was a little jealous as well, but really he just wanted to have some fun with his friends and enjoy spending time with all of you before high school ended.

Since then, getting together and having a few drinks became a sort of tradition. It was something you all looked forward to when everyone came back home from university. It was also a way to blow off steam after spending weeks studying for midterm or final exams. Everyone would meet up at Minseok’s house once his parents left, stay up all night drinking while doing whatever helped you guys destress, and just spend time with each other. Whether it was playing games, having some serious talks, or just some general catching up, it was always just the four of you having fun while doing something you weren’t supposed to do, which made it all the more exciting. 

You looked at the phone that was still in your hand and looked at the last message that was sent.

sehun [8:45]:

“were almost there loser”

you [8:46]:

“really? why didn't you text me earlier?"

sehun [8:47]:

“i did. you just dont check your phone. stupid.”

you [8:47]:

“shut up. you’re stupid.”

minseok [8:48]:

“Please try to be careful on the way here. I heard the roads are pretty bad so stay safe."

you [8:49]:

"alright."

sehun [8:49]:

"dont worry well be fine."

You closed your phone, stuffing it into your pocket after reading the last message. You checked your appearance one last time in the mirror, making sure that there weren’t any strays sticking out from your freshly straightened hair, or that there weren’t any unwanted wrinkles on your outfit. As you looked at yourself in the mirror, a small feeling of relief went through you. You realized that, at least for tonight, you could set aside all of your worries and finally have some time to relax. You smiled at yourself, looking forward to enjoying every moment with your friends tonight.

Once you checked that you had everything you needed in your overnight bag, you hung it over your shoulder and rushed down the stairs to your living room, excited to see your friends. The house was relatively empty since your family was away for the night visiting some close friends, so all you needed to do was turn off all the lights and lock all the doors once you left, like your mom asked. An easy task that wouldn't take more than two seconds, but it would surely be something your mom would yell at you for if you didn't do it. After making sure everything was secure and the house was pitch-black before you left, you patiently waited by your front door for a few minutes until you saw the couple of bright headlights that pulled into your driveway shine through your window.

The weather was freezing when you stepped outside into the winter air, but you barely even noticed once you made your way to the car to see the people you’d been waiting to see for months. They all stepped out of the car to greet you properly with warm embraces. Sehun rushed to be the first one to envelop you in his arms before Jongdae could. The taller gladly took his time and rocked you from side to side as he complained about how he missed seeing your irritating face. Of course, he was just teasing, but you didn't mind. You actually missed his snarky comments since you don't get to hear them every day like you used to. 

Once Sehun had greeted you properly, Jongdae followed right after him. The corners of his lips quickly curled up into a refreshing smile once he got a proper look at you, his eyes beaming brighter than any of the lights that decorated your neighborhood. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, lifting you up from your feet for a second just to make you laugh.

It definitely worked. Your bright laughter rang through the air like Christmas bells, but it quickly ceased when another figure took a few steps forward from behind your two friends to stand in the middle of them. His hands were deep within the pockets of his jacket and you could see each of his breaths as they met the frigid air, every exhale turning white and visible, like those of a person smoking a cigarette. He met you with a rather indifferent look, barely even looking you in the eyes. You looked at your friends who were completely silent, both of them watching intently while trying to avoid making eye contact. Disbelief was the only thing you could even think to feel as you directed your gaze back over to the person in between them, trying to make sense of why, out of all the places he could be tonight, he was right there, standing in front of you.

“Hey,” he said, breaking the brief silence. That was the only thing he had to say, but you suppose that was understandable since you knew neither of you had anything else to say to each other besides a simple greeting.

“Hey, Baekhyun.” His name left an acrid taste in your mouth. The same way it did the last time you spoke it aloud, each syllable marked with hints of resentment.

“Come on. Let’s go, guys,” Jongdae quickly interjected. “It’s cold and I want to hurry up and get to Minseok’s. He said he got Chinese takeout for us.”

All of them began making their way back into the car, but you stopped the tallest of the three, tugging on the sleeve of his coat to keep him from walking away. He stopped and looked back at you, the look on your face perfectly displaying your emotions, making it evident that you were a mixture of being both confused and angry. The last person you wanted to see was sitting in the front seat of Sehun’s car, waiting to go to Minseok’s house so he could spend the night with all of you, if you assumed correctly. There were countless thoughts that were running through your mind at such a rapid pace, but only one actually left your mouth. 

“Why is he here?”

Sehun closed his eyes for a second and sighed, already knowing the words that were about to leave his mouth when he saw the look on your face the moment you saw Baekhyun, proving to him how easily predictable you were, “Did you even read the messages I sent in the group chat a couple days ago?” 

You shook your head, furious at yourself for not having read most of the messages because you didn’t think they mentioned anything important besides what time everyone had to be at Minseok’s house and who was going to pick you up. Half of those messages were just complete nonsense that your friends spat out whenever they got bored anyways, so you didn’t feel the need to read every little thing. Sehun gestured his head towards the vehicle before pulling away from you, walking towards the driver’s side, “Read them when you get in the car.”

You hesitated for a short moment before getting into the car, looking at the man whose face was glued to the screen in his hands, the glow of the device illuminating his features. It was like every time you looked at him, your heart dropped a thousand feet. And now, that free-falling feeling in your chest would be something you had to deal with for the rest of the night. 

The half-hour drive was a rather uncomfortable one, at least for you it was. Your friends, who were in their respective seats, were in their own little worlds. The entirety of Sehun’s attention was focused on driving since some of the roads were still icy and he didn’t want to end up in an accident, especially with his friends in the car. Jongdae, on the other hand, was busy on his phone playing games, most likely losing judging from the irritated look that was on his face and the frustrated sighs that he let slip out every couple of minutes. Their physical presence was enough to keep you sane, but it definitely wasn’t enough to put you at ease, not even in the slightest. 

The tension that lingered in the car was almost suffocating. You couldn’t tell if he felt it too, maybe it was all in your head, but it was real enough for you to feel self-conscious. Being near him was bearable, but you could almost feel every passing second. It was like a clock was just ticking away inside of you. The space that separated the both of you felt like miles and centimeters at the same time. Being in such close proximity of each other for the first time in a long time made you stiffen in your seat, physically and mentally unable to relax. You tried to keep your attention on the messages that you were reading on your phone, careful not to let your eyes wander in fear of getting caught. 

As you scrolled through the hundreds of text bubbles, you finally found what Sehun was talking about earlier. The messages weren’t from that long ago, less than a week at most. Reading the words on your screen made your lungs feel like they were being filled with ice cold water instead of air. If only you had read the messages earlier, then maybe you could’ve said something in protest instead of having to be in the situation that you were in right now.

sehun [3:44]:

“cant you at least reconsider letting me bring baekhyun?”

jongdae [3:45]:

“He already said no earlier…”

minseok [3:45]:

“He’s not coming over. This is just supposed to be for the four of us.”

sehun [3:46]:

“but hes still our friend. he even told me hed be cool if shes cool and i dont think shes gonna want to start anything.”

minseok [3:47]:

“That's what you say now, but what are you going to do when it’s 2 A.M. and they’re at each other’s throats after having a couple of drinks?”

jongdae [3:47]:

“He has a point… ;;”

sehun [3:49]:

“i can promise you he isnt going to be like that. weve already been to a couple parties at our school and he can handle himself. and i know that cause hes usually the one taking care of me when we go back to our dorm room. also i really dont want him to be stuck in his house the whole time his parents are gone for the holidays. he doesnt even want to drink that much anyways. i just want him to have some fun and i miss him hanging out with all of us. ”

jongdae [3:49]:

“And who’s fault is that lol”

minseok [3:50]:

“If you pay for both the food and the drinks, then you can do whatever you want to do, but you’re going to be the one responsible for him.”

sehun [3:51]:

“thats fine with me i trust him. i trust them both. they did fine whenever we hung out before they just ignored each other. theyll probably do the same thing when we hang out friday.”

minseok [3:52]:

“Whatever you say.” 

From what you read, Sehun had far more trust in you than you did in yourself. He wasn’t wrong to, especially since you have managed to behave yourself when around Baekhyun before, only letting a few comments slip out the handful of times you were forced to hang out with him. But the only reason you were so well-behaved was because you were in public and completely sober. Even then, you didn’t have to talk to him or be near him. All you had to do was ignore him, which was easy enough since you had your other friends to talk to and didn’t have the guts to have a full-blown argument with him in a public place. 

However, this time was different. Even though your friends were still going to be there, you were going to be with him all night while everyone danced on that line of being tipsy and drunk. The last few times you did this with your friends you drank to the point you out, but you thought it was fine since you were at your friend’s house with people you trusted. You were comfortable with them, enough to do this type of thing around them, but you weren't comfortable around Baekhyun. At least, not anymore. You weren’t sure if you could trust yourself enough to be around him while you were drunk and could potentially say or do something you'd regret.

Still, you didn’t want him to ruin your night with your friends. It had been a long time since you last saw them and it would be months before you could hang out with them like this again. All you needed to do was watch yourself. Only drink what you thought you could handle and have fun until morning. You had done it before and the only thing that was different now was that Baekhyun was going to be there. You couldn’t drink yourself into oblivion and it wasn't like you were planning on it anyways (or at least you weren't until you saw him), but you could drink until the nervousness that crawled through you washed away. 

Your eyes shifted to look outside the window. Minseok’s house was now only a few minutes away. The music playing on the radio was somber, too much for your liking, but it was better than complete silence. Silence in a place riddled with tension was deafening. You were conscious of every breath you took, biting your lip as you waited for the seconds to pass by quicker than they would later that night. In the midst of watching the untouched snow that covered the ground as you all drove down the familiar road, you turned your head to steal a quick glance of the person sitting in the front seat.

He still looked the same. The only thing that was different was his hair color, which was black the last time you two met. The locks of his hair were now a dull silver and damaged, making his hair look a little messy. Although he looked the same, the feeling he gave off was different. Before, he was very warm and genuine. You didn't even need to talk to him to know that. You could tell by either word of mouth or by watching the way he interacted with people, especially with you. It still surprised you that there used to be a time where a conversation with you would make him beam brighter than anyone else. Now, he just looked cold. His eyes were now dull, unlike the bright ones that you used to admire. You were never able to catch his lips curl upwards the same way they did the last time you made him smile, not even once. It was just that same permanent look of indifference plastered onto his face every time you looked at him. Even when he was so close to you, he felt absent. Even when he was staring outside the window just like you were, he still felt colder than the weather outside.

When Sehun pulled into the driveway of Minseok’s house, everyone grabbed their bags and hurried inside to escape the bitter cold as quickly as they could. You rushed ahead of your slow friends, almost slipping on the icy pavement before wrapping your arms around the person you were most looking forward to seeing as you stepped through the door of his warmly lit home. His laugh filled the room before his own arms pulled you closer to his body, almost to the point where you could barely breathe. The smell of his shampoo calming your anxiousness, the warmth of his body enveloping yours, the sound of his voice dancing through your ears, everything about your best friend made you feel safe. The embrace only lasted for a few seconds before you needed to pull away and let the others greet him. 

Sehun and Jongdae both gave him short hugs before they made their way towards the couches, rushing to jump on the largest (and most comfortable) one like children. When it was Baekhyun’s turn to greet him, they only exchanged a short ‘hey’ and ‘good to see you’ before he walked off to join the pair in the living room. Baekhyun and Minseok were never that close. You still partially blamed yourself for being the reason that they never got the chance to be closer. You felt guilty because when things ended with him and you ran to Minseok for comfort, he naturally took your side because he was your best friend. He didn’t even want to listen to what Baekhyun had to say, his reasoning being that there wasn’t much he really could say to defend himself. He didn’t dislike him nearly as much as you did, though. They were only mere acquaintances with close mutual friends.

“Sehun, do you have everything?” Minseok asked, the two of you walking into the living room to join the group.

The youngest smiled at him and lifted the grocery bags of alcohol in the air, “Everything is right here. Even your money, just in case I forget to give it to you in the morning.”

“Great,” Minseok said, walking towards the center of the living room and grabbing a small white basket he had sitting on the coffee table. “Okay, everyone put your phones and wallets in here. Your keys too, Sehun.”

Everyone readily complied, grabbing their items and placing them in the basket as Minseok came around to collect everyone’s belongings. You looked over at Baekhyun, his expression confused as he hesitantly followed the actions of those around him. His eyebrows knitted themselves together, accompanied with a small pout on his lips that appeared whenever he seemed puzzled. 

“Why do you need our stuff?”

“I don’t,” Minseok said, taking the items in Baekhyun’s hands and placing them in the basket. “I’m going to hide them because I don’t trust any of you with these things while we’re drinking. I’m taking away the keys so no one tries to go out and drive anywhere, and the phones so no one posts something that could get us in trouble. Either way, the phones are too much of a distraction. We're here to hang out with each other, not stare at our phones.”

“Okay, but what about the wallets?”

“The wallets are so none of you try to do anything stupid with your money.”

Minseok looked over at the boy he directed his comment towards. Jongdae merely shrugged his shoulders, a smug look on his face as Minseok went to take his things as well. After he took the things he thought could start unwanted problems, he climbed up the stairs to hide the items in the dresser in his room until morning. When he walked back out into the hall, he yelled at his friends from above, looking down at them from behind the wooden railings that overlooked the living area as his voice echoed throughout the open space.

“You guys can leave your stuff in your rooms. Baekhyun, you can stay with Sehun in my parents' room or you can take the couch. It’s up to you.” 

“Come on,” Sehun said to Baekhyun, already walking up the stairs. “I’ll show you where it is.”

The group of boys went up the stairs one by one. You watched them for a moment, giggling slightly as Sehun and Jongdae pushed each other around to reach the upper level first. These moments with your friends were what made all the worries in the world seem so unimportant. You didn’t realize how happy you were to be with them until you felt that familiar tug at the corners of your lips. The smile that was painted on your face lingered for a few moments as you relished in the moment, but soon faltered when you looked at the man that was staring at you.

It was only for a fleeting moment and his eyes quickly turned back to the people in front of him as soon as they met yours, but they still met... and you hated it. You hated whenever his eyes met yours because every time they did, he would always look away as quickly as he could, just like he did right now. His expression was always stale when he looked away, making you feel like you did something so wrong when all you did was look back at him. Every time he looked at you, it felt like the wind was being knocked out of you. It was cruel, you thought to yourself. At one point, that feeling had only ever been a good thing. Now, it was the worst.

You sighed, trying to shake off the effect he had on you as you walked towards the guest bedroom. The room was on the same floor, so you didn’t have to haul all of your belongings up the stairs like the rest had to. You were glad you always got to claim the room as yours whenever you had to spend the night at Minseok’s place. It was small, but cozy. The warm air and yellow glow from the lights made you feel comfortable and helped ease your current state.

As you placed your bag on the bed that was covered in hundreds of pillows and a matching comforter, the sound of someone knocking on the opened door caught your attention. You turned your head to see Minseok standing in the doorway. He waved at you, standing there for a moment, his blue hoodie covering his body except for his pale arms, the sleeves having been cut off a while ago. You smiled at him and turned back to your luggage, looking for your pajamas as he walked in and took a seat on the bed directly next to your things.  

“What’s up?” You asked, pulling out an oversized nightshirt from your bag.

“Nothing,” he said quietly. His demeanor was somewhat serious, which made your body stiffen as you waited for his next words, “You’ve been kind of quiet since you got here. Are you okay?” 

Minseok looked directly at you, watching to see if the words that came out of your mouth matched the expression on your face. He was excellent at reading people, which is why you didn’t even bother to try and lie to him, “I’m not sure.”

“Is it because of Baekhyun?” Your friend pinpointed the source of your anxiety perfectly. It was obvious that there would be some tension when all five of you were together, but it was never something that you worried about too much in the past and it really wasn’t what you were worried about now. It was the simmering nervousness that bubbled in your stomach. The nervousness that only Minseok seemed to notice. The same feeling you got whenever you were scared of something serious happening, like what could happen tonight if you weren't careful.

“Kind of,” you admitted. You pushed your things to the side and sat next to your friend on the mattress, putting your head on his shoulder as you played with your fingers, staring at them like they were the most interesting thing in the world, “I don’t know… I forgot to read the messages and I just thought it would be the four of us, so when he showed up with them to pick me up, I got a little upset and felt sort of uncomfortable.”

Minseok rested his hand on your knee and started patting it, turning his head to look at you, “If you want, I can tell him to leave. He’s not really my friend either and this is my house, anyway.”

“No,” you said, biting the nail of your thumb. “It’s fine. I don’t want Sehun getting mad at you or me for being stupid. Baekhyun is still his friend.”

“You’re not being stupid,” he quickly argued. “It’s normal to still be mad at him, I would be too.”

A sigh left your lips as you lifted your head from his shoulder, turning to look at your friend, “I’m not mad, at least I don’t think I am. I’m just worried that I might say or do something stupid while I’m drinking. I just wanted to do whatever I wanted tonight and have fun with you guys without worrying about anything, but now I feel like I have to watch myself because he’s around.”

Minseok stood up from his seat on the bed and looked down at you from where he was standing, a soft smile sitting on his face to help reassure you, “You need to have more trust in yourself. You’re not going to do anything stupid, I’ll make sure of it. Just focus on hanging out with us. I’ll stay quiet for now, but if you need me, just let me know, okay?”

You closed your eyes for a second and took a deep breath before standing up as well, opening them so you could step towards your friend and envelop him in another hug. He reciprocated the embrace, patting your back to calm you down.

You were so grateful for him. After you had gotten together with Baekhyun or when he got together with Jihyun, you were worried that your relationship would change. You were scared that the two of you would have to start distancing yourselves from each other for the sake of your significant others, but that was never the case. 

Neither of you ever felt anything more than just love for each other as friends, which was why you were so comfortable with each other and why Jihyun trusted you so much. You wished Baekhyun was as accepting of Minseok as Jihyun was of you when the two of you were together, but he seemed indifferent most of the time. It wasn’t until you started fighting with him on a more regular basis, towards the end of your relationship with him, that you realized that he was slightly jealous. You never gave him a reason to be jealous, never once giving him a reason to make his trust in you falter for even a second, but at the end of those petty arguments, he would apologize and tell you that what he said was just an ‘in the heat of the moment’ type of thing. You never questioned it further, but maybe you should’ve.

“Come on,” Minseok said, pulling away to look at you, “he’s not going to stop you from enjoying your night. Let’s have some fun.”

Drinking felt exhilarating. It made you feel rebellious, doing the things you weren’t supposed to do, even if underage drinking was the worst thing you’d ever done. By this time next year, all of you would be of age and you weren’t sure if drinking like this with your friends would be as fun once you all were allowed to drink as much as you wished, which is why you wanted to be as present as you could be at that moment. The feeling of being alive and young was like a drug once you were conscious of it. It felt as though there were no worries in the world and all that mattered was the time you spent with your friends. It was the high you never wanted to come down from.  

The night started off rather quickly with Sehun and Jongdae diving right in with their drinking games while you, Minseok, and Baekhyun took it easy with some wine, all of you watching them play from the couches. They were playing with the caps of their beer bottles, trying to throw them into each other’s cups from opposite ends of the coffee table. Their aim was terrible, each cap sliding under one of the couches or hitting one of their arms. You laughed at the scene, watching as the two boys got frustrated to the point where they started yelling at each other, accusing the other of somehow trying to cheat. The way they became so explosive over just missing even one toss made you remember why you put up with them whenever they were being ridiculous. It was because of how you were never able to breathe after laughing so hard at their antics. 

It was entertaining to watch them be so animated over a game, but after a while, your attention shifted over to Minseok who was seated directly next to you. You wanted to take the time you had with him at that moment to catch up. You asked him how Jihyun had been doing, what classes he was taking at his school, if he had been keeping up with any of the shows the two of you binged over the summer, etc. He wasn’t that interested in talking about any of the other things you mentioned, but he was eager to answer your first question in such magnificent detail. Jihyun was his favorite person to talk about. The way his eyes would light up whenever you mentioned her name made you genuinely happy for him. You were glad that your friend had finally found someone that made him feel complete. The person who was his other half in almost every single way. 

He told you about how he's been writing a song for her. Though he mentioned that he was still working out the harmonies, he explained to you what the meaning of the song was, and even recited some of the lyrics from memory, each word sounding incredibly poetic and significant. Minseok wanted the song to be a gift for her birthday that was coming up in a few months. The lyrics, he said, were supposed to describe the moment he realized he was in love with her. It was two years ago when that moment happened, but you still remember the day pretty clearly because you were the first person he called after having his realization. 

It was funny, the way he described how she made him lose his breath and made everything around them stand still after kissing her outside of some cheap restaurant they decided to go to at 3:00 A.M. He compared the glowing light of the diner behind her to a halo, making her an angel. His angel, as corny as that may sound. Still, it seemed like she was someone that really saved him. She was the one who helped him when he admitted that he didn’t actually know what he wanted to do with his life and the one who made him realize his passion for music and composition. She was the person that made him feel like he could do anything, be anything when he was with her, and even though you were a little envious that you still hadn’t found that person for yourself yet, you were happy that at least they had. 

A small laugh came from your mouth as he reminded you about how he sat outside of Jihyun’s house for a good 20 minutes after he had dropped her off that night, trying to get ahold of you at such ungodly hours of the night because he was genuinely freaking out. You remembered the way you told him to explain everything after a couple more hours of sleep, leaving the smitten boy in a state of blissful distress. The memory of him being so ecstatic (after not having slept for about 24 hours straight) when he talked to you in person that following morning made the both of you break into a fit of laughter, neither of you being able to stop once you both had started. 

In the middle of everything, you didn’t even notice Baekhyun’s figure walking past the both of you and towards the kitchen to grab himself another drink. It wasn’t until you heard the small ‘pop’ of a wine bottle being opened that you turned around to look over the couch and at the quiet male who was pouring himself another cup of the red drink.

“Weren’t you trying to save that bottle for your date?” You asked your friend, surprised by how rude Baekhyun was being by opening the dark bottle without even asking.

“It’s fine,” he said. “I can ask Sehun to get another one some other time. Don’t worry about it.”

“But you spent how much on that bottle? Almost $100, right?” You felt your anger start to rise steadily. Minseok could sense it, too. He grabbed your wrist, a silent way of telling you to calm down. He remembered he stopped counting your drinks a while ago, too enthralled in the topic of his girlfriend that he forgot to count each time you poured yourself another glass from the empty bottle that was now discarded on the ground. 

It took a moment for your gaze to shift from Baekhyun back to your friend, who removed his hand from you once he was sure that he had your full attention. The small rise of anger that your ex-boyfriend garnered from you was something that came out of nowhere, you realized. You were sober enough to realize that it was the wine. Looking at the empty crystal in your hands, you set the glass on the ground next to you and lifted your legs onto the couch, hugging them as you placed your head on one of the cushions, facing your friend before letting out a small sigh.

“I’m sorry,” you said softly. You rubbed your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater, seeing stars when you opened them again. “I’m just irritated and the wine’s not helping. I’ll get up and drink some water or something in a few minutes.” 

“It’s fine,” he said, patting your knee before getting up. “I’ll get you one of the water bottles from the kitchen.”

Your eyes followed Minseok as he left the room to get your drink, waiting for him to come back. You were mindlessly fixated on him until he walked past Baekhyun on his way to the fridge. The taller had a red solo cup in his hand as he walked towards his seat on the sofa that was only a few feet away from you, almost diagonal to the sofa that you were sitting on. You weren’t sure if he felt you staring at him, but if he did, he was doing a good job at hiding it since he seemed rather unfazed, his eyes looking straight ahead of him almost the entire time. After the two of you broke up, he never acknowledged you unless he had to say hello or goodbye and, ironically enough, those were the two most defining moments of your relationship with him. The moment he said hello and the moment you said goodbye. Those moments still made your throat tighten whenever you thought about them.

“So ing rude,” you scoffed as he sat down. 

The words slipped out of your mouth. You didn’t feel an ounce of regret, thinking that they were too quiet for him not to hear since you muttered them under your breath. Obviously, they weren’t because he turned to look at you after you said them. His face was stunned for a moment until a look of irritation emerged, the first sign of emotion you had seen him display in almost a year.

“Do you have something you want to say to me?” 

His voice was chilling. They pierced through you, but it wasn’t like they hadn’t done so enough times already to have a visible impact on you anymore. The words that were being directed at you were enough to stop the other boys from playing their game, as well as the sound of footsteps that came from the kitchen behind you. 

“Yeah. I do, actually. Don’t you think you’re being rude for taking that wine without asking first?” You asked, pausing for a second to steady yourself. “There’s a reason it was still in a paper bag and away from the other drinks. Minseok spent a lot of money on that for his date with Jihyun this weekend.” This was the most you had spoken to him in over a year. The scene felt so familiar. The sweat of your palms, the redness of his ears, the way everything around the two of you became heavy. It all felt so unnerving.

The way he looked at you when the two of you fought made you feel so... small. It didn't matter if you were right or wrong. His gaze, the one that always made you feel awful, the one that threatened to push you to the verge of tears, and the one that you were staring into right now, was probably the one thing about him you wished had changed.

He took a moment to look at something behind you, most likely Minseok, before responding to your initial question with his own. “Don’t you think you’re being a little rude? Not even a little? Or at all?” He asked, gesturing towards you using the cup in his hand.

“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything,” you stated.

“Are you being serious?” He laughed in disbelief, resting his arm on the side of the couch. “So, you don’t think how close you’ve been with Minseok all night is being rude to Jihyun? You don’t think she would be upset with the way you act around him? And you don't think it makes any of us uncomfortable seeing you get so close to him when we all know he has a girlfriend?” The words that dripped from his mouth felt like venom. Again, he made you feel as if you did something wrong, but this time you weren’t sure if you didn’t.

“And what about us?” He gestured towards your other friends that were watching the scene in front of them unfold, each of them unsure of what to do. “You’ve practically ignored us this whole night. I get that you don't want to talk to me, but what about Sehun and Jongdae? Aren't you supposed to be their friend? Don’t you think that’s pretty ing rude? If you want to point out how rude I'm being, look at yourself first before yelling at me about some stupid wine.”

The room was silent when he finished speaking, except for the sound of him sipping on the remaining wine in his solo cup. You watched him, your chest feeling heavy as he brought the drink to his lips, shutting his eyes before taking another taste of the alcohol. This time, you wanted to be the one to look away from him, like how he was looking away from you right now. You wanted to make him feel like he was the one who did something wrong, like he should be the one to feel awful and ashamed of himself at that moment, but you weren’t sure if you had that power over him like he did over you, so you just... stared at him, too shocked to do or say anything else. You knew that his words could be sharp, like a knife that never dulled. They always managed to slice through your usually thick skin, leaving nothing but open wounds that you desperately wanted to cover. 

Sehun was the first one to break the silence, standing up to grab Baekhyun’s wrist. “I need to talk to you,” he muttered, pulling the boy up from his seat, making him slightly spill the drink that was still in his hand as he dragged him to their shared room. The three of you watched as Baekhyun silently followed Sehun, irritated expressions painted on both of their faces. The slam of the bedroom door resonated throughout the house, the sound loud enough to startle you out of your frozen state.

The soft touch of someone’s hand settled on your shoulder. It belonged to Minseok, who was standing right behind you, probably just as stunned as you were by what just happened. His touch was meant to comfort you, to soothe you like it always had, but after what was just said, that touch made everything inside of you collapse. You pulled yourself away from his hand after only a second, heading straight towards your own room without saying a word.

You felt humiliated. His words weren’t something you could easily brush off or ignore this time. They latched themselves onto the back of your mind, forcing you to hear them as you relived what just happened over and over again in your head. The things he said genuinely scared you. They scared you because you weren’t sure if there wasn't some kind of truth behind them. What if you had been hurting someone unintentionally? What if you were really hurting Jihyun? The thought of making someone else go through the same thing you went through made you feel nauseous. Were you really so careless and naive to think that Jihyun was genuinely alright with your relationship with her boyfriend? 

When you walked into your room, you tried closing the door behind you as you walked towards the bed, but someone kept it from closing all the way. You looked at your friend with glossy eyes from across the room, scared to even approach him. You were worried that you would do something else that would unintentionally hurt the person your best friend loved the most, so when he approached you with the same concerned look he always gave you when you were upset, you hurriedly stepped away from him and silently sat on the edge of the mattress with your head low, looking at your hands. Your skin became riddled with goosebumps because your mind was making connections with the moment you were in just now and the ones you were in years ago. The people and the circumstances were slightly different, but the impact it had on you made everything feel too similar.

“I’m sorry,” you said, letting out the air you were unconsciously holding in. You used the edge of your sleeve to carefully wipe away the tears that were starting to fall haphazardly. The fact that you wanted to cry was pathetic, you thought. You didn’t have any right to let even a single tear fall, let alone be upset at what Baekhyun said. All he did was point out what you were doing. He was undeniably cruel, but you were the one at fault for allowing yourself to be so fragile with him. Just fragile enough to crack.

“I don’t ever want to hurt either of you.”

“I know that. We both know that and you never would,” he said, referring to himself and his girlfriend. “Jihyun has always been okay with us being best friends. She cares about you so much because she knows how important you are to me, which means you’re important to her too.”

“Which is why I don’t want to give her or you a reason to hate me,” you said. Minseok was about to argue and say how neither of them could ever hate you, how they knew you've only ever had the best of intentions, but you spoke again before he could. “I mean, I never thought I could hate someone, let alone hate someone for doing absolutely nothing, but I did. I really did.” He nodded and listened to you, hoping you would look up from your hands, watching you as you began to tremble. 

“You remember, right? How she didn’t even know he was in a relationship with me when they first started dating? She didn’t even know that what she was doing was hurting someone so much. I was the one who ended up getting hurt the most after everything happened, and I hated her for it, even though all she did was date someone she liked and thought was single. I've never hated anyone before, but she was the first, and I know that I shouldn't hate her, that I should hate Baekhyun instead, but she didn't even care enough to ask him if he was telling the truth, or to even ask herself if something seemed wrong or off. In the end, she was the one that got to move on. She isn't the one that has to be reminded of what happened constantly. She isn't the one that has to go through what I go through whenever I see him."

“But even if she doesn't have to go through any of this, I don't want to be like her. I don’t want to be so unaware of what I’m doing that it hurts other people because I know what that sort of thing did to me, and I don't want that to ever happen to someone else, especially to someone like Jihyun. I know right now you say I could never hurt either of you, and I know that Jihyun says she’s fine with us being friends, but that could change, and I don’t ever want to come close to that line.”

The elder stayed quiet, watching you as you stood up and walked towards the bathroom with your overnight bag in hand. He wanted to say something, but he knew that there wasn’t anything meaningful he could say to you. He knew that whenever it came to anything Baekhyun said or did, his words would never be enough to console you. He didn’t realize that until after he spent countless nights trying to do that exact thing, but at least now, he understood that he couldn’t protect you like he could when everything was simpler. You had to face and deal with everything by yourself and in your own way. The only thing he could do was be there for you and be someone you could lean on when it all got to be too much.

“You know this isn’t anything like that,” he said, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom. Even though there wasn’t anything he could do about your feelings, he hoped you could at least understand that this was different. He watched as you grabbed a package of makeup wipes from your bag, taking one out to clean your face of any eyeliner or mascara that tried to run down your face while you were crying. He stared at you in the mirror, waiting for you to answer as you wiped away the bits of black residue that stained the sides of your cheeks. 

“I know, but it is like that, for me at least,” you sighed. You had to reapply some of your makeup, mainly the eyeliner and foundation you accidentally wiped away. As you examined yourself in the mirror, you met your friend’s eyes. You gave him a faint, surface-level smile and swiftly turned to him, leaning your body against the sink with your hand. 

“I’ll be okay. Wait for me in the living room with Jongdae, okay? He’s probably feeling kind of awkward after everyone stormed off like that.”

The dark-haired boy pressed his lips together and nodded, looking off to the side for a moment. He felt defeated, but he didn’t say anything more because he knew he wasn’t the only one. He glanced at you one last time in the mirror before leaving the room to give you the space you subtly asked for. The smile you forced onto your lips to reassure your friend soon faded when you heard the door close behind him. You were alone with only the reflection of yourself staring back at you. The thoughts you wanted to hide from everyone, including yourself, were now flooding your mind, making you feel like you were going to drown if you weren’t careful.

It didn’t matter if Baekhyun was right or wrong about the situation. His words were harsh when they didn’t have to be, but the things he said were needed. He made you aware of what you were doing, which was acting naive and careless. It was the one thing you promised yourself you never wanted to be when you understood how horribly it could hurt someone. The constant reassurance from your friends caused you to become so accustomed to being this way that you didn’t even notice until the person who made you so wary in the first place had to tell you himself. 

It was a necessary evil, you thought. If being careful and distancing yourself from some of the people you loved most would keep them from going through anything similar to what you went through, then that was something you were willing to do. You would rather be unhappy and closed-off than accidentally damage someone’s relationship. It made sense to you even if it didn’t to anyone else. No one would ever understand what you were trying to do unless they experienced the last few months of your relationship with Baekhyun the same way you did, and you hoped that they would never have to understand.

The living room was silent when you walked in. You desperately tried to look like you were unfazed by what happened earlier, with the makeup on your face looking surprisingly untouched, despite crying not even a few minutes ago. The small smile on your lips faked genuineness so well that when the boys in the room studied your facial expression, the looks on their faces showed some confusion. Minseok already knew what you were trying to do and wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t say anything.

You expected only to see Jongdae and Minseok, but it seemed as though Baekhyun and Sehun finished their conversation as well when you saw the two standing in the middle of the living room. The taller was behind Baekhyun, his eyes shifting back and forth between you and the person in front of him. Baekhyun just stood there, his hands in his pockets, trying to avoid your gaze as best as he could, even though he had no problem staring you down when he spoke to you earlier, but if you were being honest, you would've rather had him speak to you the way he did earlier than to have him speak the way he always did. Even though you hated the way he spoke to you so spitefully, it was far better than his regular cold tone. At least when he was talking to you earlier, there was some sort of emotion when he spoke. You deserved at least that. Emotion.

Sehun shoved his friend when you tried to walk towards the couch to sit next to Jongdae. Before you could reach your seat, Baekhyun lightly grabbed your arm to keep you from walking past him and stepped in front of you. It bothered you how much you wanted him to grip your arm just a little tighter, so you ignored that thought. Though his eyes looked off towards somewhere else, yours were looking directly at him. You weren’t sure what he was trying to do, so you waited for him to speak.

And then suddenly, after a few moments, he directed his gaze downward to look at you. The coldness in his eyes still very intimidating and belittling. Even though you were used to it now, the intimidation itself never ceased. It still had the same effect on you from the first time he showed you that side of himself. At first, it was unfamiliar to you because you thought you knew all there was to know about him. You thought you knew him. Even now, you couldn't help but wonder if his cold persona was all an act, but there wasn't any way you could really be sure it wasn't. You couldn't bring yourself to fully believe that this was the person he actually was, but you also refused to believe he was able to do the things that hurt you so much until he actually did them.

You used to think he was so easy to read and, in a way, he was. It used to stun him how easily you were able to figure him out, and that used to be one of the things he loved about you. It meant you were always able to be there for him, to understand him. You were there to comfort him when he was afraid and needed you. You were there to celebrate with him when he was ecstatic about something and wanted to share it with you. You were there when he wanted to give you the overflowing love he used to have for you, and you still remember how experiencing every minute of it was such an intense euphoria. 

You were there for him, always. You read him the way an English scholar would read a classical text, or the way a seasoned poet would read an intense epic. You read him carefully and attentively, looking at both the words and whatever lingered in between every single line. He was your favorite piece that you could never put down, but towards the end, you found out that he wasn’t as easy to read as you had initially thought. 

He made himself available for everyone to read, considering how easily he befriended others, but only you were able to read him since you were the only person he knew that was literate in the language he was written in. The problem though, you realized, was that he would only show you the parts of himself that he wanted you to read. It was like receiving only specific, incomplete pages from an entire novel. Every emotion he gave you was without context. He did this so you could make up a new meaning for everything he gave you, and you unknowingly, as well as unintentionally, did just that. This was one reason as to why it hurt so much when your relationship ended. You thought you were reading one story, but in the end, it turned out that you had a completely different book in your hands. 

His voice, just like everything else about him, made your heartbeat increase in speed. Your body had a mind of its own. Even though you hated him, your body still responded in the same way it always had. It couldn’t tell if you were angry or in love since the line between the two was paper thin, all it knew was that it needed to react extremely when he was near you. You hoped its reactions were only internal, that your body language didn’t give anything away, so you held in everything as much as you could when the sound of his voice suddenly registered in your ears.

“I’m sorry,” he started. The way he said it was blunt, but what came out of his mouth surprised you. You expected him to just ignore you after what he said earlier, but you didn’t expect him to actually apologize. Your eyes flickered over to Sehun, who was still watching the interaction. It was probably his doing, you thought. This was probably just him taking responsibility for the two of you, what he promised he would do if anything happened.

“The way I talked to you earlier wasn’t okay. I just…” he paused and bit his lip, looking away for a moment before continuing. “I just got frustrated when I realized what I did and I took my anger out on you. I didn’t mean what I said.” His words didn’t match his expression or tone. His apology felt forced and it probably was.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. He was looking straight at you, his gaze still and unwavering.

You weren’t sure if you believed him, but whether you believed him or not didn't matter. You just wanted the conversation to end so you could stop having to deal with him and go back to hanging out with your friends like you had planned to do this entire night, “It’s fine.”

This time, you were the one looking elsewhere while he stared back at you as you spoke. Even if you were still looking in his direction to be polite, you refused to make eye contact. “I didn’t take it personally,” you lied. “I was the one who started it anyway and you just reacted. It’s not a big deal. I promise to not act like that again.” You wanted to show as little emotion as you could, act like you didn’t care about any of it even though you did, but even just standing so close to him was suffocating. Having him scan every movement of your face with his dark brown eyes made you want to crawl into yourself and never look at him again. You couldn't bring yourself to glance at his face for more than a second because having to be so close to him, while being able to see every mark and crease on his skin, overwhelmed you with thoughts on how you used to admire every single one of his details.

After finishing what you had to say, you moved around him to sit next to Jongdae on the couch. Baekhyun didn't stop you, letting you slip out of his hand so easily since he had nothing more to say. The air still seemed tense, at least until the boy sitting next to you finally spoke up, taking the initiative to lighten up the mood by just being himself. His smile when he spoke was killer and his laugh was infectious, but the mischievous look that you were so familiar with made you a little worried about what he was going to say next.

“Do you guys want to play another game?”