Soonyoung sighed as he looked at his reflection on the mirror of the practice room. It was past midnight and the other members had returned to the dorms. Chan wanted to stay with him, but he convinced the younger that he wanted some practice on his own. He had tried to practice, but his mind hadn’t stop wandering to the person in the studio just a few rooms away.

It had been a year since he saw Seungcheol and Jihoon talking in their dorm kitchen at 4am. The lights were off and their voices hushed, but he saw how Jihoon was trying to wipe his tears with his hands. Seungcheol had hugged the other and didn’t let go for a while.

Soonyoung didn’t know what to think of the scene. Before their debut the three of them had been really close. Jihoon would always help them with their singing and Soonyoung would help them practice the dance moves. He knew Jihoon admired him by his dance skills, but Seungcheol was always his favorite. Seungcheol wasn’t the best singer or dancer at that time, but there was something that had left Jihoon enamored. And that left Soonyoung feeling bitter even when he cherished both of them as good friends.

He didn’t want to feel like that, so he focused his attention on practice and getting to know the other members like Seungkwan and Seokmin that shared the same energy with him. And that seemed to mask his feelings well enough that he couldn’t be happier when the three of them were appointed as the unit leaders. He had thought it would be for the best. Seungcheol and Jihoon had been exhilarated and Soonyoung was determined to leave them be happy together; but as their reality show started things changed between the other two leaders. It was like hitting a glass with a small stone. It broke little by little until Jihoon threw the last stone and broke it completely.

Soonyoung had seen Seungcheol anguish and Jihoon coldness. He didn’t want for them to be like that, mostly when their debut was just around the corner and the other members needed their guidance. But he saw it, saw how hurt both of them were and saw how Seungcheol searched for comfort in Jeonghan. On the contrary, Jihoon isolated himself from the members except for practice, and completely focused on music.

With the passing time he saw how Seungcheol gave up, Jihoon coldness being too much for his fragile heart. But Soonyoung couldn’t ignore that. He knew it was Jihoon who pushed the other away, but he was hurting just as much.

And it didn’t matter how much he tried to belittle the feelings he had for the younger one, they have always been there and all he wanted was to see him smile for real. Even if in Jihoon’s heart Seungcheol was the main character, he wanted at least to be the joker.

But it had been more than two years since he took that decision and to be that character in Jihoon’s heart wasn’t enough  anymore.

Seungcheol and Jihoon’s friendship had started again, slowly but strong after that conversation in the kitchen a year ago, but Soonyoung was now the one facing Jihoon’s closed door.

He had taken upon the job of pulling Jihoon back to the dorms instead of Seungcheol and that had made them closer. They have exchanged so many music ideas and he had collaborated in the composing and lyrics of some songs. It seemed like the studio had remained as Jihoon safe haven.

And it was in there where Soonyoung had expressed his feelings for the other just a couple of months ago.  He hadn’t pressure him for an answer, but he still wasn’t sure if Jihoon even cared about them.

The younger shared his thoughts with him in the studio, but outside, in front of the members or the cameras he would always reject any advances, even the ones with just friendly nature. Soonyoung was just trying to make him smile, but that smile was always accompanied with some rejection. He knew he shouldn’t care that much about the actions in front of the camera as they all acted for an entertainment purpose, but Jihoon never rejected the other members. He even hugged them and put his head on their shoulder, so when the opportunity for any hug or kiss arrived with the help of a MC, Soonyoung would try to show how much he cared.

Because maybe Jihoon was scared, scared of his thoughts, scared of his feelings. He had been really affectionate to Seungcheol, to the point where the management had talked to him about it and the last thing Soonyoung wanted was to hurt his heart again. But sometimes he just wanted to explode, to shout all his feelings for the other in front of everyone. But he knew Jihoon would walk away from him if he did that.

The members told him he was really obvious about his feelings and even their fans shipped the two of them together. But if they only knew how important Jihoon had become for him. How lost he would feel if the other actually decided to reject him like he did with Seungcheol.

He had said to himself more than once that things had to change. He couldn’t be overthinking all the time if he should make any physical contact with Jihoon or if the other looked back at Seungcheol longer than usual. But he couldn’t help it; he faced his feelings with basic logic as if they were instincts.

Because he was thankful for anything that Jihoon was, even if it hurt. Because even if it hurt like burning, he knew he would happily walk forward into Jihoon’s flame.

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