Kikwang coerced himself to visit Yoseob immediately on the next day, even though it wasn’t really forcing himself but he felt the urge to see him as soon as possible despite the fact that it turned out into the worst again. He made sure that none of Yoseobs relatives were around before he decided to step into his boyfriends room and as he closed the door behind him a smile edged on his face. Yoseob glanced up from his book before also his features brightened up to a sincere smile and then he placed the book aside, lifting his hands towards Kikwang. “Come here.”, he said with an eyesmile and as Kikwang approached him, Yoseob shifted to make space for Kikwang to lay down. As Kikwang did not catch the hint immediately, he patted the space next to him. “Come on!” , Yoseob giggled and pulled him closer and Kikwang finally moved onto the bed carefully, taking his shoes off in process and lied down next to Yoseob.

Kikwangs head rested on Yoseobs shoulder and he was watching his lovers chest rise up and down for a while before finally breaking the silence again. “I’m sorry for yesterday.” Receiving a chuckle, Yoseob answered, voice low; “You don’t need to be… at least now she knows what I didn’t dare to tell her before I die…” Kikwang swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut at Yoseobs words and he didn’t bear to hear Yoseob talk about it just like that. He sighed, trying to calm down and not let these thoughts occupy his mind again, because he already spent some time, lying awake at night thinking about it and about nothing else anymore.

“You should’ve seen her…” Yoseob started again and chuckled. “She was all furious and-“, he bit back a grin, shaking his head. “- and this vein popping out of her forehead whenever she’s angry. Haven’t seen that in a long time… Actually, I haven’t seen her in forever.” He paused for a moment. “Oh! And look…” Yoseob turned over, picking up the book he just read a few minutes ago and showed it to Kikwang.

As the blonde held it up for him to read the cover he continued talking. “The doctor gave it to me this morning and said my mom left it here for me, ‘Finding the right path again’.” A scoff was noticeable in his voice. “I guess I should feel offended, but I’m rather amused, because this book is hilariously the worst crap I’ve ever read. Unfortunately I don’t have any books here so-…”

“I’ll bring you a few over…”, Kikwang smiled and took the book out of Yoseobs hand. “So you don’t need to read this …” and with that he threw the book to the ground, turning to lie on his side again and he wrapped an arm around Yoseobs chest. The latter smiled and started to play with Kikwangs hair. “Thank you.”

Both had their eyes closed, staying silent for a while and just enjoying the warmth of one another. Kikwang opened his eyes once again and his hand sneaked under Yoseobs shirt, before stopping and resting just over a few plasters above Yoseobs heart. His moves were careful and slow, because the blonde was connected to a few machines and he didn’t want to accidently pull anything out. He felt Yoseobs heart beating under his hand and his heartbeat felt steady, but was it really?  

Kikwang slid his eyes shut again, biting his lips before he spoke up to ask “Are you scared…?” Yoseob opened his eyes, wanting to play the question off “Of my mom?” He chuckled quietly. “Aniyo, I don’t care about her opinion...” But Yoseob knew what Kikwang actually meant, pulling him slightly closer to himself. Kikwang was unsure if he should ask again. “I meant… are you scared of death?” he asked again, almost whispering and sounding like he didn’t actually dare to ask this question. Yoseobs lips pulled to a faint smile as he closed his eyes and he looked peaceful. “Not at all.” Was his answer and Kikwang was surprised that Yoseob could still stay so calm, unlike him. He was scared. Scared of losing Yoseob any moment and scared of a future without having Yoseob next to him.

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As days, weeks and months passed, Kikwang always came over after school to visit his boyfriend and he always had some books with him for Yoseob to read and Yoseob had read them quickly, because he had nothing else to do.

Kikwang always climbed into bed with him as they started to talk about all the random books he brought and it felt like old times when they first got friends. Kikwang secretly wished that Yoseobs condition could finally get better so they could leave the hospital but it never got better and it always stayed as worse as it became a few months ago. Yoseob hadn’t left the hospital in months, which already seemed like years and the blonde just wished to pick up his sports again or going to the museum.

One day, it was almost deep in the night already and Kikwang had to go, but he stayed and Yoseob was wondering, occasionally looking up at the clock. “Isn’t it late already? You have to go to school tomorrow…” Yoseob glanced at Kikwang and smiled, but the latter just shrugged. “Aniyo…I want to stay with you a little more…” He then eyesmiled, turning to look at his boyfriend but he just received a frown and a pout of the elder. “Yah you never stay longer…”

Kikwang pouted back, wrapping an arm around Yoseob and laid his chin on the blondes shoulder. “You want me to leave?” Yoseob shook his head. “Of course not…” Kikwang smiled and closed his eyes, cuddling closer to the other. “Then let me stay longer…”

Continuing to stay the next days longer, too, Kikwang came up to Yoseob someday, sitting on the edge of the bed and told him that they “needed to talk.” Just hearing these words made Yoseob panic on the inside, his body heating up  and he immediately went through so many thoughts that were popping up in his mind like if he did something wrong lately. Yoseob kept quiet as he glanced up at Kikwang trying to determine the look in his face. Kikwang sighed, not being able to look directly at the boy in front of him. “I’ll have to move.” The blonde blinked, obviously confused and the former continued. “I- …I got into the university I applied to…” A faint smile pulled on his lips, but he couldn’t bring himself to make this good news even though it actually was. Then he heard a chuckle. “You almost scared me…” He pushed at Kikwang and sighed. “That’s wonderful!”

Kikwang leaned down to peck Yoseobs lips, murmuring, “But it’s on the other side of the country…” He bit his lip, waiting for Yoseobs reaction. “W-Wait…but…” He was just trying to comprehend what Kikwang was telling him.

“We- … we won’t be able to see each other like now…and…if I’m not busy I’ll always-“ He stopped as he was interrupted by a sob and by Yoseob pulling him closer by his shirt. As the latter buried his face into Kikwangs shirt, he wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy. He whispered “I’m sorry.” , and closed his eyes as he held him as close as possible.

“I lied…” , a little whimper escaped the elders lips as he pulled back and looked up at Kikwang, eyes watery and red, wet strains along his cheeks and then Kikwang lifted his hands to place them on Yoseobs cheeks, wiping them with the base of his thumbs. Yoseobs lip was trembling as he repeated himself quietly “I lied.”

Kikwang tilted his head. “About what?” He bit his lip, not quite understanding. “I’m scared…”, Yoseob answered and slumped forward, forehead against Kikwangs chest. “I’m so scared of dying…” He was shaking and trembling and Kikwang felt bad, because he felt that it was his fault. As he wrapped his arms once again around Yoseob, he lifted a hand to thread his fingers through the blonde locks. “It’s okay… that’s normal…”

Yoseobs fingers curled into Kikwangs hoodie. “Please…don’t leave me alone…don’t…let me die alone…” The latter swallowed at his lovers words and he held him as close as possible, not knowing how to answer to that. It was unfair, unfair that Yoseob pleaded this and he himself knew that he wouldn’t ever leave Yoseob alone and he would visit him as often as he could just like he did now.  He sighed, closing his eyes as he didn’t know how to comfort the crying boy in his arms. “I’ll…I’ll always be with you and call you every day…I won’t leave you alone…a-and- …” Kikwangs eyes teared up as he tried to find the right words before shaking his head and hugging Yoseob. He murmured a quiet “I love you…” into Yoseobs ear and nuzzled into his neck. The blondes eyes widened and he pulled back to look into Kikwangs face. He leaned forward to press his lips tightly to Kikwangs plump ones, eyes shut close.

They both deepened the kiss, pouring out all the emotions into it and eventually Yoseob pulled away again. Trying to hold back a sob and opening his eyes to look up at the boy in front of him, saying  “I love you too, Kikwang…”

But Kikwang still chose to leave town to go to university for his own sake because he didn’t get any other place close by and he promised Yoseob to visit on every day he could and he called as often he could during breaks and also at nights and Yoseob already knew the times in which Kikwang called so he always kept waiting.

The elders condition continued to get worse and Yoseob started refusing to answer any of Kikwangs calls and so he decided to visit, but Kikwang came up into an empty room some day as he started to worry too much and panicking because he couldn’t reach his boyfriend anymore.

Yoseob had been lying at the intensive care unit for a while now, his heart slowly giving up day by day and he didn’t want Kikwang to hear his weakness or see him like this. Yoseob kept losing himself bit by bit as he decided to stop fighting against his disease. He was falling in and out consciousness sometimes and opened his eyes as he heard the door open, thinking it would be his doctor and as he glanced to the side he saw Kikwang. He felt too weak to give any reaction and he just looked away again. Kikwang stopped in his steps as he saw Yoseob just kind of ignoring him before he snapped and got angry, frowning. “What the hell are you thinking?!” His voice was loud and Yoseob flinched at that, wondering how Kikwang got the doctors to let him visit Yoseob.

“Why…did you ignore me for so long…?” He clenched his hands together to fists, shaking a little and tried to keep himself from crying. He was hurt and he felt bad for yelling at Yoseob in this condition, but he felt hurt and angry and overlooked at the same time. As he stepped forward to Yoseobs bed he lifted his hand and placed it on top of Yoseobs. “Am I not your boyfriend and allowed to know how you are?”, he questioned, voice desperate and lip trembling. Yoseob opened his eyes to look up at Kikwang, his eyebrows were furrowing and he spoke up, taking a deep breath first. “I’m sorry. I gave up…I gave up on everything…”

Kikwangs eyes widened in shock as he stared down at the elder. “You…You gave up?! Did you give up on life already? And on…us?” His voice cracked at the last word and he pulled his hand away from Yoseobs. “How could you…?” Yoseob closed his eyes again, not answering. “God damn it! Yoseob!”, Kikwang started to yell again, hurt by Yoseobs words and the lack of reaction. Once again this was a time where he didn’t know what to do or how to behave. Should he just end it here and leave? Did Yoseob really just give up on them so easily? Shouldn’t he be a little more calm and think about Yoseobs condition? He sighed, deciding to do what Yoseob wanted.

“Thanks. Thank you for making me worry so ing much…thank you for making me think about you nonstop and thank you for preventing me from making the probably biggest mistake of my life. Thanks for pushing me always away and thanks for giving up on us…” While Kikwang talked he placed his hand on top of Yoseobs tummy, hand obviously holding something and as he finished he opened it, revealing a little black box and then he bit his lip, stepping away as tears were pricking at the corners of his eyes, which were stinging. Then he turned away before he would break down any moment right in front of the blonde boy. Yoseob wanted to give them up? – He gave him what he wanted.

Kikwang was gone and Yoseob stared at the tiny box, his tears filling with salty water, and then he reached out for it shakily, wanting to take a look and after some struggling with opening it he found a ring with a little diamond in it.

A sob filled the endlessly silent room.

The next days Yoseob tried to call Kikwang, he felt sorry, he wanted to apologize, he didn’t want Kikwang to take him back though and he just wanted to let him know that he’ll always love him. Unfortunately every time Yoseob called, Kikwang hung up as he saw Yoseobs name on his display and didn’t even let him a chance to explain anything. He was tired of it all and he wanted to finally stop his mind to be occupied by Yoseob all the time in every second. Once he picked up and just harshly said “Stop calling me finally.” And then he hung up.

Yoseob let the phone receiver fall down, starting to shake and weep bitterly and he wanted to take the ring off of his finger again but instead he just placed his hands onto his chest, eyes shut tightly.

Days later Kikwang kept checking his phone even though the calls really did stop after what he said once he picked up. He sighed and it was hard to just continue living his life as if nothing happened, trying to forget Yoseob and as he was once sitting at his table in his apartment, he stared at his mobile phone and dialed Yoseobs number, even though he already had deleted it a long time ago out of his contact list.

Nobody picked up.

After a few times he called the hospital and asked for Yoseob. He had to wait and his fingers drummed impatiently onto the table beneath him as he did so. Chewing on his lower lip he finally received an answer. The nurse on the phone told him that Yoseob had passed away a few days ago and Kikwang felt his throat constricting and his heart falling in his chest. He couldn’t do anything else but hang up, throwing his phone away against the wall in frustration before slumping forward onto the table, arms crossed and face buried into them. He let all his suppressed emotions of anger, frustration and sadness out he tried to hold back all the time.

“I’m sorry…”, he whimpered. “I never meant to leave you alone…”

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A/N : Finally done yey \o/ I hope the end doesn't seem too rushed OTL