May 2 2018

"So, you're saying that this Chanyeol guy, is making you lose self confidence?"

"Exacly, doctor."

"What if I told you that you're finding an excuse to cover up the fact that you're depressed?"

"What? No! I know I'm depressed. I mean, I just hate the fact that he's so perfect, he reminds me of how ugly I am."

"And is that why your self confidence is low?"

"Well, not completel-"

"Was your confidence this low even before he appeared?"

"Y-Yes, but he like- made it worse."

"Do you really think this kid is perfect?"

"Yes! When he smiles he looks so goofy and cute but when I do...It's a mess an- and he has the strength to go to the gym everyday!"

"Why don't you ask him to bring you with him?"

"He asks me often, but I don't feel like it...He just goes everytime I feel like ."

"And when do you not feel like that?"

"At night, I guess."

"So the night time is when you feel better?"

"Yes! Because it's dark, I'm in my pajamas and I don't necessarely need to do something. Also no one is awake so I can do whatever I want to do."

"Then why don't you ask him to do it at night?"

"Doctor, that sounds inappropriate."

"For the past month you made me feel like this Chanyeol guy really wants to be your friend, so if you approach him in the right way, I bet it will work out."

"But Doc-"

"I'll see you next week, it will be your birthday soon right?"

oh my God...

"Yes...May 6."

"You'll let me know how it went. See you next week Mr. Byun."

"Chanyeol! Chanyeol...Ugh, Chanyeol, I want to...I'd like to ask- I wanted to know if you wanted to spend some time with me? At night...! He'll think I'm so kind of ert..." Baekhyun brushed his face with the cold palms of his hands. I wonder if he's back from university yet... Actually, never mind. I don't even know why am I doing this. 

Suddenly, Baekhyun hears a door opening and closing, so he knows that damned boy has arrived. He gets up, checks his freshly washed and straightned hair on the mirror. He KIND of looks good, but it doesn't excite him at all. Should I do it? What can I lose from it anyways... Baekhyun walks towards his room's door, his hand was slightly trembling, he kept on biting his lips he previously put lip balm on, for some foreign reason. I'm going, I'm going! No I'm not, Yes I am. What if he...leaves? It would be better for both, actually no...It would be very bad for him, but why would Chanyeol care? After all it's not like he's been treating him well or anyth- 

"Excuse me? Hyung?" Baekhyun hears the doorknob creak and slowly go down, he gasps and takes a few steps backwards, his heart screaming for help. "Y-Yes!" Baekhyun mutters as he watches the other's face peek out the door, fear and embarrassment in his eyes. "What do you need?" He lets out a smile, he has to become nicer to this poor, perfect kid. "I just wanted to say, I'm sorry about this morning. I thought about it during class and...I'll try to mind my business more and not piss you off so often. It's not my intention, really. I only want to help you but as you said enough times, I'm no one to do so. So you can ignore me, pretend I don't exist. I'll accept it Hyung." Chanyeol smiles, Baekhyun could see the hurt in his eyes as he slowly closed the door. "A-Actually no! Chanyeol wait!" He shouted, the door immediately stopped. "Can you sit here with me?" Baekhyun's voice broke from the anxiety making his heart go up until his throat. The other got in the room, he was nicely dressed, converse shoes, a tight pair of black jeans and an oversized, beige hoodie. He also smelled SO GOOD! Such a weakness for Baekhyun's obsession over scents. He could feel the jealousy raising inside of his blood. "Chanyeol, could you please...Turn off the light?" He looked down at the floor, blushing madly. He expected the younger to be confused and leave, instead he turned it down and walked towards his bed, saying nothing at all. They weren't completely in the dark, Baekhyun's room had a big window that showed the street next to his apartment who had a lot of orange-like street lights who lightned the room. "So...Is there something you want to tell me?" Chanyeol said in a deep and almost whispery voice. "I'm gonna get to the point of this so I don't confuse you...or me. I need your help. I need you to help me...with my confidence." Baekhyun shuts his eyes and plays around with his fingers. "You have low confidence? But...Why?" Chanyeol's genuine and confused tone surprised the older who looked at him in his big, round eyes through the dark. "I don't like...Me." Baekhyun at this point was trembling, his eyes getting watery, he saw Chanyeol getting closer to where he was seating and it made him super anxious. "And how can I help you? I mean, I would! I'd help you! But I just...Do you have any suggestion?" Baekhyun smiled, so naive. "I want to work out with you...at night." Chanyeol's temperature turned a hundred times hotter and his whole body was sweaty. "W-Work out...At night?" He stuttered. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna do anything dirty. I just need to do things...At night, to feel better." Baekhyun let out a small chuckle. "I'm so stupid, sorry if I scared you, I promise I'm not some kind of ert, it's just my exception. If you can of course." Chanyeol was shocked to say the least, he didn't know how to choose one only reason to why his breathing was getting faster and his hands were almost trembling but that's just how he felt and he had no power over it. "So...You're down?" Baekhyun looked at him before looking at the floor, brushing his hair between his slender fingers. "I am." Chanyeol's voice was getting deeper and deeper, almost shaky. "Hey, calm down. It's fine if you don't want to. I'm not forcing anyone." The older thought whenever he should do it or not, he rested his hand over the other's, softly caressing it to relax him, which failed in the attempt as he felt Chanyeol's hand getting even more sweaty and shaky. "I-I can! Of course...I'm just, umh, scared of the dark...Yes." Chanyeol coughed a little, that was his usual way to cover up his shyness, and for him it was super effective. "You need a light then?" He pouted, the younger saw it, even in the dark. Chanyeol finally captured another moment where this rock hearted, serious man seemed vulnerable and soft; and he loved it. "No, it's fine! So, do you want to start today?" He heard a loud sigh from the other who stretched his back. "Let's just say you're my personal trainer. So you'll decide." Actually, the darkness helped Chanyeol covering his redness on his face and ears, and it felt kind of cool to understand the other's emotions through his lazy movements. "Then we'll start today, we'll do something easy so you understand how you feel. First of all do you want to lose weight or build muscl-" Chanyeol heard a loud hiccup from the other and stopped talking right after. "H-Hey are you alr-" The younger felt Baekhyun moving closer and closer to him, with his hands in front of him, trying to see everything by touching around. Until he arrived enough close to him that he could hear him breathing. The city street light slightly lightned Baekhyun's head, just enough to see it looking down and up, brightning his small tears just right. Chanyeol's heart was running to the point where he thought he was gonna get an heart attack at any moment once he felt the older's arms wrapping around his waist, his head resting on his chest, Chanyeol was scared that Baekhyun could feel his heart beating extremely fast but the moment was too precious to just let him go. "Thank you." He softly said, there was true, sincere feelings in his tone and the younger swore he never heard him say such words so sweetly. Actually, Baekhyun has always been an to him, since the very beginning. But he saw since the moment he stepped in that apartment, that Baekhyun needed his help and he promised himself that this moment was gonna happen. And it did. 

"How can you even see so perfectly in the dark?" Chanyeol asked, using his phone torch to sit on Baekhyun's bed as the older jumped on a rope in the middle of the room. "I'm used to be in the dark so I remember every inch on this room." He said between each jump. "You know, I have never helped someone work out but you're pretty good! You haven't said a word the whole time!" He heard a loud laugh as he said so, a laugh he has never heard before from him. "It's because I'm clearly dying in here but it's fine, I need this..." Chanyeol felt like Baekhyun's mood turned down right after saying so, and he decided that it was time to stop working out and just talk. 

Baekhyun locked himself in the bathroom to shower, taking a deep breathe in and out. Let's do this. Baekhyun removed his clothes and walked towards the mirror to check himself out. His belly was still slightly bloated, his thighs looked exactly the same and his cheeks were still there. He his belly in and looked at his profile...Not bad. He wanted to give up. He knew he was acting dumb, who would lose weight after one hour of work out? Yet it still hurted him. I'M NEVER LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AGAIN!

It was 1 am and Baekhyun was looking at his reflection in his room's mirror. He kind of felt embarrassed since this time the lights were on and Chanyeol was sitting on a chair next to him. "So, Where's the problem?" Chanyeol looked at the reflection, fixing his nice and soft hair that pissed Baekhyun off. "Where's NOT the problem..." he cupped his face with the palms of his hands, be strong Baekhyun, you don't want to cry in front of him. "I honestly think you're fine, you just need to stop eating ." Baekhyun blushed and ran towards the switch, turning the lights off. "Did I say something wrong?" Chanyeol asked in the middle of the dark. "N-No, you're right. I'll try eating healthier." He whispered. "Then that's it! Hyung you don't need to do much, you're already b-beautiful." Chanyeol stuttered when saying the last part, he bit his tongue right after, the other couldn't see him anyways so he might as well have any type of reaction. "Cut it, I'm everything but that." The younger heard a big squeak from the mattress, so he guessed that Baekhyun just jumped on it as he does everytime he feels...like that. "What can I do to prove you wrong?" Chanyeol tested the bed, trying to sit without hurting the other. "I don't know, if I knew, I'd probably not do this right now." He was right, what an idiot.

"You know Baekhyun, it's normal to be harsh with ourselves, it's normal to feel like you're not enough. But believe me, what you see with your own eyes, it's not what everyone else sees. Let me give you an example, art. I studied it today at uni. Everyone has a different taste in art. Maybe I love abstract art and you love cubism. It's completely different yet we see in it something that we love, and it's impossible for you to understand why i love it, because it's personal. I can't make you love abstract art, but you'll have to accept the fact that for someone else, it's beautiful. Get it?" Baekhyun frowned his eyebrows, it took a little for him to get the point, but the message was there. "So what you're saying is that, if I think that I'm ugly, someone in this world probably thinks that...I look...Good?" Baekhyun felt shy even by just describing himself as 'good'. "Exactly, I personally think that you're very handsome." Chanyeol swore he was break at any moment. "Me? Handsome?" Baekhyun lifted his body up to try looking at the younger's expression, checking if he was acting. "Yes, you have a pretty jaw and chin, your nose is perfect and your eyes make you look like a p-puppy!" He needed to help Baekhyun so holding back wasn't an option. "M-My eyes?" Baekhyun touched his face, how could anyone find me...good? "A-And I think your body is...cute. You have wide shoulders and your hips are...nice." let it all out, Chanyeol. Baekhyun blushed madly, "Hey, if you're trying to make me feel better about myself by lying you can stop already." Baekhyun felt Chanyeol's warm hand grabbing his wrist, softly pulling him off of his bed. He the light, making Baekhyun's eyes squint, before pulling him once again towards his mirror.

"Look at yourself." Baekhyun turned his face away, trying not to look at the exposed reflection. "Tell me with all honesty what you like about yourself." Chanyeol squeezed the other's cheek to force him to look at himself, which lead to a loud, frustrated sigh. "I guess my shoulders, and...my hips. Like you mentioned." He murmured. "That's can't be it." Chanyeol sounded very serious and it made Baekhyun nervous. "I don't ing know, I feel stupid...I guess my hands?" At this point Baekhyun couldn't take it anymore. It was almost 2am and Chanyeol kept on doing this to him. "Your hands are to be envious of. Your whole body, your face. Everything is perfect." Chanyeol hid under his serious face to express the feelings he kept inside. "You're lying, you are perfect, we are completely the opposite." Baekhyun walked away from the mirror, the other kept him from leaving by grabbing his wrist once again. "W-What do you see in me?" Chanyeol's tone turned into a soft one again and it drove Baekhyun insane as he turned around to look more clearly at the younger's features. "You don't have problems like I do. You're young, you study, work out and you are able to eat nicely and have a good sleep without ever feeling like you want to kill yourself at any chance. I envy you a lot but you'll never relate." No tears Byun Baekhyun, hold it.

"Be honest with me hyung, am I the reason why you hate yourself? If I left, would you feel better?" Chanyeol gave him a broken smile, his big, round eyes getting teary. This kid... "I...Don't know. I think it'd be the same." His answer reassured the younger but not completely, he had no idea how to help him and he had to hold back at the same time, otherwise he'd notice his feelings for him. Silence filled the room for a long minute before Baekhyun turned around, switching the lights off and getting closer to the younger. "Would you leave me?" Baekhyun caressed Chanyeol's cheek, maybe having the lights on wasn't such a bad idea, Baekhyun admitted to himself how nice it felt to be able to look at the younger's face so closely, seeing him blush over him. "I-I wouldn't. I mean I-" ugh...I don't know if this would ever make you feel better about yourself but I...like the idea of you." Baekhyun was surpised, someone...liking me? Someone like Chanyeol? A perfect student with crazy looks and personality...liking someone as rotten as him? "You like me? Since when?" Baekhyun's eyes turned wide. "Since I met you actually. Your whole aura thing...I guess it just makes me want to...protect you. You know?" The older couldn't believe his ears, and his eyes once Chanyeol rested his hand on the back of his head, running his fingers through his frizzy and ugly hair. "I like your hair you know, I see you straightening them almost every day, you don't need to. You look nice like this." He gulped, no one has ever said something like this to him. "W-What time is it?" Baekhyun tried to break the tension between the both of them. "Pretty late but I don't really mind, are you tired Hyung?" Chanyeol was getting way too close to him, making him completely freeze. Who would ever think this big baby would turn into such a naughty type? "I-I am not tired but you should go to sleep, you have school don't you?" Baekhyun looked at the floor, but he knew the younger was still staring, making him more than nervous. "You're right. I'll go to sleep now. I'll see you tomorrow alright? Good night Hyung." What was that? Why am I feeling...Disappointed? What did I expect? "Good night...Call me Baekhyun, please."  Chanyeol smiled before closing the door behind him.

That night, Baekhyun had no sleep at all.

And neither Chanyeol.