Chapter 14

“Where are we going, daddy?”

“Guess?” Actually doesn't have any idea of where to go, Jiyong grins at the boy sitting on the passenger side of the car.

“Can we go someplace to eat? I still want that cereal you dropped.”

“We dropped.”

“You dropped.”

Jiyong laughs, reaching his hand out to mess Jinwoo's hair but the boy leans away.

“You and mom always mess my hair.” The boy smooths his thick hair with the help of the rearview mirror.

“You make such a cute whiny baby when your hair is a mess. We love it.”

“Daddy, when I was a baby, did you ever take me and mom riding?”

“When I bought our first car we used to go on the country side often. Picnic and all. Do you even remember that car? The old red KIA I bought the week you were born.”

“Not car, daddy. I meant on your bike.”

“My bike?” Jiyong laughs again, thinking about the many time he asked Taeyeon to hop onto his many collection of motorcycle and met with rejection. “Your mother hated that bike. She didn't even want to jump on the one built to accommodate a passenger. The racing one is completely out of her list.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“I dreamt of the three of us riding a bike last night?”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” The boy looks out of the car window. “It felt so real.”

“Maybe because it was real.” Going easy on the gas pedal, Jiyong tries to dig out some old memory. “The three of us rode a scooter together once.”

“Really?”

The excitement in Jinwoo's eyes is so real, the memory starts to rekindle on its own in Jiyong's mind. It was a good day, a really good day. He can still feel the warmth of Taeyeon's body against him like it was yesterday.

“Uncle Tabi once bought Aunty Dara this festive metallic pink scooter as a birthday present.” He starts, smiling at the mental image. “We all knew Dara will hate it and we made a lot of fun teasing her for it.”

“Your mom, however, seemed to like the scooter so I took her on a ride.” The smile on Jiyong's face doesn't fade for the memory comes from a rare moment where Taeyeon still loved to hang around with his friends. “She didn't want to take you with us, afraid of dropping your tiny baby and such but Tabi kept on shoving you in her arms.”

Jiyong can also still remember Taeyeon's frown when Tabi said Jinwoo needs a taste of speed. Some moments were definitely clear hints of how different he and Taeyeon are, but some others were just pure bliss and love he would love to repeat it all.

“So we took a ride on the cute scooter. The three of us. At some point, your mother held you up so you could see the view and your drool of excitement wet my shoulder like a flood.”

“Daddyyyy.”

“What? You drooled a lot as a baby. Still do in your sleep sometimes.”

Jinwoo glares if only a moment before a small grin appears on his extremely pale face. “So my dream was real then?”

“Maybe. What was the color of the bike in your dream? Aunty Dara's bike has Hello Kitty stickers all over it.”

“I don't remember.” Jinwoo, still in a smile, looks at the road ahead now. “I only remember laughing a lot in my dream. Do you think we can ride again, daddy? Together as three?”

“You're too big to fit in the middle of us now, don't you think?” He's about to laugh and tease the boy but the somberness in Jinwoo's expression holds him back.

“We were happy right, Daddy? Mom and you were happy with me, right?”

“Jinwoo.” Gently, Jiyong puts his hand on Jinwoo's head. “Your mom and I, we might be separated now but we were once so in love, so happy together. You were born out of those immense feelings. We love you, no kind of separation can change that."

Jinwoo nods.

“And this disease.” The words stuck in Jiyong's throat and he almost choke on tears pushing them out. “This disease might do us harm but it will never set us apart, alright. Your mom and will always love you so much. So so much.”

The boy nods again, eyes still and the road. It takes a moment for Jiyong to realize the tears in Jinwoo's eyes. It takes every ounce of his inner strength to not also fall into tears. He grabs the boy with one hand, hugging him tightly against his shoulder.

“It will be okay, J-boy. Everything will be okay.” He kisses Jinwoo's forehead, trying to focus on the road despite his bleeding heart.

“I don't want Mom to be alone.” Jinwoo is sobbing now, breaking Jiyong's heart even more. “I don't want you to be sad. I miss my friends from school. I don't want to be unhappy but I'm scared now. Scared of so many things. What to do, daddy? What to do?”

Stepping on the brake, Jiyong slowly steers the car into a stop. In his arms, the son he has swore to protect from harm is shedding tears like never before. This tiny person he loves with every fiber in his body is in pain, literally and figuratively. Jiyong is so mad at the fact that he can do nothing about it. He wants to punch the dashboard hard but the tears streaming on Jinwoo's cheeks crush his will power he can't even breath easy.

“We live, Jinwoo.” Summoning strength from what left of his shattered heart, he let go of his hug so JInwoo can sit straight. “With whatever we have left in our chest, we live. However short our time is, we live and keep on living until the day it's all end.”

“Now stop crying, please. Don't make daddy cry with you.” He wipes the tears from the boy's cheeks, trying hard to smile.

“Sorry, daddy.”

“It's fine. Us, men, are allowed to cry sometimes.” Jiyong leans in to kiss the boy's forehead once more. “I understand your fear but listen, I will be okay. Extremely sad, but okay. And your mom? I promise I won't let her feel lonely. Ever.”

The boy looks up. His teary eyes are mirrors reflecting Jiyong's own sorrow.

“As for your school friends, I have an idea. Here, let me have your phone.”

Once more, Jinwoo looks up at his daddy. This time, his eyes mirror confusion.

“Trust me. I'm good at this.” Jiyong just grins, unlocking the phone screen.

“I'm so sorry I ruined your night with Mark.” Finally finds a chance to come close to his ex-wife, Jiyong whispers his not-so-sincere apology.

Taeyeon blinks, sporting unreadable expression but hand still actively flips the sausages and meats on the charcoal grill.

“I really am.”

Behind them, about three dozens kids and their parents fill the apartment's community yard. There are screams, squeals, laughs, and loud chit-chatting as food and beverages are passed along. The air is filled with happiness at the impromptu backyard party Jiyong has arranged for his son. The boy itself is sitting by the side of the pool, surrounded by his friends.

“Did you tell Jinwoo?” Taeyeon swabs barbecue sauce at the thin wagyu slice in the middle before moves it to the tray on the table.

“About his illness? No.” It's not a lie. Jiyong never directly speaks about the cancer to Jinwoo. “He said he misses his friends so I invite them all. Sorry.”

“No. It's nice.” The smile on Taeyeon's face is small but sweet. “Anything that makes my ill boy laugh that hard is nice.”

Jiyong's look at where Jinwoo is, seeing happiness all over the boy's face. The happiness that, if for a moment, make him forget about the sad conversation they had in the car barely two hours ago.

“Still, I'm sorry.” He gives it another try, still so damn curious. “You had to stop whatever you're doing with Mark to help me with this.”

“You're dead curious, aren't you?” Her small smile morphs into a frown as she picks up another slice of sizzling meat from the girl.

“What?”

“About me and Mark.”

“No. I just, you know, feel bad of getting in between.”

“No. You don't.” Still frowning she shoves the grilling tongs into his hands. “Your turn. Red bowl for spicy sauce. White for regular. Separate the not-spicy ones for the kids and make sure you swab each meat and sausage with the sauce at least twice. “

“Where are you going?”

“Mark loves wagyu strips.” She picks up the tray, somehow sporting a mirthful grin. “I'm gonna offer him some.”

“Taeyeon...” Jiyong grabs the tongs, flipping meat while trying to read some truth in her expression. “come on...”

“What?”

“You and Mark?”

“You said you're not curious.”

Their gazes met over the smoking grill. That one night in Japan replayed in Jiyong's mind as he stares into her beautiful eyes. He wants her back. He always do but today seems like that feeling is pressing harder against his chest threatening to burst into fireworks of words.

“Taeyeon... You should now that I.... I love-”

“Watch the meat!”

Fire blazes from the grill, forcing Jiyong to tend the barbecues while putting out his own confession. As if on cue, Mark comes into the scene grabbing Taeyeon's attention immediately.

“Wagyu strips, yummm.”

“Grilled just the way you like.”

Poking the burnt sausage in annoyance, Jiyong tries to shut out Taeyeon's flirty voice.

“Really? Awesome. Can you help me grab a bite? Sudsy hands. Thank to the bubbly pool Jinwoo's girlfriends wanted me to create.”

Under Jiyong's jealous glare, Taeyeon feeds Mark a strip of meat with her own hand. She puts on a show, Jiyong knows it. She's messing with his mind and he's torn between hating and liking this game she plays.

“Taeyeon.” Jiyong is not about to let her win.

“Yeah?”

“Come over here.”

“What?”

“There's sauce on your cheek.”

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