[CONTENTID1] asphyxia [/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] drop 2: we can become parachutes [/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID3] 

Ever since the beginning of high school, my life has been surrounded by my colourful girl-friends with their blushing cheeks when a certain upperclassman passes in front of us. A chortle occasionally escapes my lips seeing my friends' starstruck face, as if they lose all sense of reality whenever he makes his appearance known. The all ever handsome yet beautiful upperclassman of ours, Lee Taeyong, has become the object of my friends' endearment, and that is Yeri, Jinsoul and Jung Eunwoo ( I can't believe that I somehow have friends with the same name. Sometimes, I intentionally call them inside of the class just to mess with them. It's even funnier because Junghan is there to witness it all.)

"You sure you don't like him? I'm betting that the entire school likes him," It is another day when Yeri asks me this unnecessary question whether I have converted into his fangirls. Her straight jet black hair is tucked behind her ears and she props an arm on my table, sitting right in front of me. "You're strange, Park Sooyoung."

​​​​​​My eyes divert to the windows facing the school's field. It’s still 07:30 AM, and the sun hasn’t really shone that brightly even in summer.

It is the same answer everyday that I can give. "I admit he's handsome, but that's that. He's just another well known upperclassman, you know."

"This is what happens when you are best friends with handsome dudes; you're probably grown accustomed to seeing faces like that," Eunwoo enthuses while pressing some lotion out of its jar, applying it to her hand, being seated on my right. "You guys want some?"

I shake my head with a smile to reject her kind offer, then Yeri proceeds to ask some from her. What Eunwoo said might sound logical, but I guess it is due to the fact that I am just not interested. There was never a time that I come to like someone just merely from the idea that I have created inside of my head of them, without knowing the true them. Such an exhausting thing to do, to love the illusion of a person inside of your head.

"Well, I have to admit Junghan is also nice, though as a boyfriend, I would never consider him," Yeri has spoken her thoughts occasionally and whenever they asked of him in the past, I tried to not let them know too much of his way with girls. Just enough information to let them know that it is best for them to stay away if they don't want to get hurt.

Even with their way with words in talking about boys of their beautiful features, athletic abilities, smart thinking and charms, outsiders may see them as unfitting for girls. But they are just some serious girls who seek leisure in these light conversations, from the weight of education and life that has been put upon them.

"What about me?" Junghan's voice echoes as he strides in to the class, walking over to our seats sporting his usual crew cut while chewing on his favourite bubblegum. "You girls can't stop gossiping, ain't you?"

Jinsoul looks up from her phone, who has been silent all through our conversation. Her curly black hair bobs up and down as she gets up abruptly from her seat. "Oi, Yoon Jeonghan, let me speak to you for a minute outside!"

"Wh-" Before he can even reach to his seat behind me, Jinsoul has already pulled him harshly by the arm, leaving us with confused faces.

I look at Eunwoo for answers and it takes her a few minutes to grasp the situation. "Junghan's girlfriend is Mina, remember? From the class at the very end of this hall? The girl is Jinsoul's best friend. She was fussing since yesterday in our club room that he left her best friend on read these past few days," I purse my lips at this, my brows are probably scrunched at this. "Doesn't he talk to you and Eunwoo about his relationships?"

At the mention of his name, his head jolts up from reading his book of history, sitting behind me by the right side, Junghan's seat is on his left. It is a habit of Eunwoo to review the lessons before class begins. That is why I always end up studying with him whenever I can't understand a thing.

"To be honest, he never talks about it. Well, he only talks about the beginning and the ending of his relationships, now that I think about it," then I wonder if he ever talks about this with any of his friends besides us. I pray that he would, at least with his basketball team mates or even his other friends whom I see as a bad crowd. I shake my head at the thought, that even until now, it is still difficult for him to be honest with his feelings.

It feels lonely to know that despite how many years we have been friends, there are still things that we don't know of each other. But then, I still think that Eunwoo knows, it is just that he feels like telling us won’t be such a good idea. Eunwoo tends to bite into his lower lip when he lies. He just did, back then, even though he tried to hide it from me. Perhaps he knows that only I can catch wind of this that he still went on with it.

​​​​"I never thought that he'd be the mysterious guy amongst us," Yeri sulks, looking a bit defeated about things she can't figure out, and people she can't read like a book. I wonder why she never gets mad at me like that.

The bell rings and right at that moment, Jinsoul walks in along with Junghan behind her and a numerous student scurrying to their seats. Studying their expressions, I notice how they aren't looking too good. I can only hope that nothing big is happening for the two of them.

Entering high school and turning 16 right before entering it doesn’t make me feel less of a person who dislikes a huge crowd. This is a weakness of mine that I try to always fix but always ended up failing.

This feeling of mine has begun ever since I entered middle school. Until now, I am still attempting to figure out the cause behind this-I don’t even know what to call this about, but let’s just say I can’t be around a group of people for far too long, even my own friends. There is like a limiter inside of my mind whenever I socialize with my friends. When I reach my limit, I’ll begin to feel how my smiles feel forced, my face growing stiff and my eyes beginning to avoid their gazes. Then, I tend to feel like their conversations become dull that I would end up excusing myself to the restroom to fix my rigid facial expressions, or merely just to shut down the world from my system.

In order to live my life without feeling miserable about myself, I have begun to routinely venture around the school building alone on 2nd period of recess. Whenever my friends ever asked where have I gone to, I only told them that it is a secret. Lies could have been a better choice instead of hiding it in a secret, but then I was never the kind to pull off lies easily.

This time, my feet brings me to the school’s rooftop. It is a long journey since first years classes are right on the first floor and there is quite a lot flight of stairs that I have to climb. The path towards the school’s rooftop brings me a breath of fresh air as no first years ever linger around the above section of the school. They still cling unto the idea of seniority.

Thankfully, I pay no peace of mind to such hierarchies. The seniors wouldn’t pay no mind as long as you won’t bother them. But then, I think that’s not the case for the boys. Sometimes, I come across upperclassmen bullying underclassmen for money or even beat them up just for the heck of it. Being the busy body human that I am, I pulled all kind of tricks to make them stop their bullying without having to reveal myself. Thankfully, it always goes well in my way.

To be honest, this trip to the rooftop is actually pretty useless because I don’t have the key to the rooftop and it is not always opened. But then, I have always enjoyed changing the sceneries around me, with me now walking up to the third year floor. I try to not look obvious as I study them in a glimpse. Most of them own a pair of black bags beneath their eyes and a pale complexion. The third years sure have it rough for the college entrance examination.

The wind strangely gets stronger as I continue to climb up the steps, blowing off my irritatingly long black hair, wavy and difficult to be calmed down. The higher, the colder I guess. What kind of logic is that, I wonder.

As I walk upon the door to the rooftop, I stop before turning the doorknob. There are millions of possibilities whether the door is opened or not, and I feel like I should be ready for any of it.

"For the heck of it, let's just go in," I utter to myself as I place my hand on the doorknob, twisting it to the right slowly to avoid making any noise.

It opens, but what awaits me on the other side of the door makes me lose my sense of time and reasoning.

My mind begins to drift towards today's date, February 29th of 2018. The weather cast from my phone indicates that today will be sunny. In the rooftop, it doesn't feel as sunny as I thought it would be with the constant blowing of the wind from the south. Even though I had predicted that my palms would be sweaty from the heated wind, today feels like fall is coming sooner than I thought.

There, my mind quickly switches to the fact someone is going to fall off the 4th floor of this tall building in front of me. There is no hesitation in my feet as I fling myself to grab a hold of him, while he is raising his feet to the air. I lose all sense of logic of how will I explain myself that I just embrace the said person from behind just to secure his life, and that somehow it is a boy that I completely never see in the school even when he is wearing the school's uniform as I completely let go of him and he turns to face me.

For a long time, I have been surrounded by boys who have grown from standing lower than my shoulder to a height where I have to look up to them. The only time I get to be standing on equal height is not even when I am standing, but when I'm in my sitting position. So, this is a new experience, to be facing a guy whom I can have eye contact without stretching my neck.

He is just standing there, not saying a word nor even moving. He only stares back at me, his fingers are hidden inside the pockets of his pants.

Taking a deep breath, I attempt to muster every little things that I have prepared to say if I ever come across a person wanting to commit suicide. "I don't know how difficult life is for you. But let me tell you, killing yourself off like this, isn't doing you any good. You should think of the people who will be left by your dea-"

"What if I have no such person to be left behind?" I cannot read what he is thinking by saying this. He doesn't even sound angry for a stranger like me to meddle into his business. He's probably so tired of the world that he chooses to leave it all behind. Looking so listless and lethargic, it looks as if his death is something so trivial for him.

I clench tightly on my fists. The last thing I expect to do in my life is to fight for the life of a stranger. "Then you should live for yourself. Even when you lose everyone in the whole world, you still have yourself. Killing yourself like this, is just a way to disrespect the you in the past who have come this far," my words feel like there is a sense of finality in it and my eyes feel like burning. I don't know if it's because of yesterday's fight, or because I should have taken my blazer off because now the air burns a little more than before or the fact that this whole ambience makes me feel sentimental.

His eyes begin to shake. He turns his face away from me now. Unreadable eyes are what is visible to me now through his bangs, also the fact that his fists are also clenched tightly. I wonder if he is fighting through the urge to choose between life or death.

"If you are trying to jump again, I'll hold you back again. If you doubt me, I'll try calling my friends to call the teachers he-"

In a split of second, I notice the change of his atmosphere when he unclench his fist and look up, pushing his hair back, his eyes no longer shaking or unsure, his face no longer listless or even lethargic. It feels as if I am staring at a completely different person from before. "Hold it, that's enough," he holds up his hand to me, his other palm covering his mouth as if to hold back a laugh.

It is no longer an as if because he actually bursts out laughing. My eyes can't believe what I have just witnessed.

I stay rooted to my ground while waiting for him to finish his l