To Mr Xu Minghao

Do you remember the first day we met?

We were kids, Minghao.

I had been in the hospital for quite a bit. It was a two bed hospital room and I'd been growing lonelier and lonelier.

I never got the chance to attend school so I hadn't made any friends.

And then like some miracle, you were brought in.

You had a broken leg and you were really chirpy and so bright and full of life that at first, I was a little jealous.

You were younger than me, you said.

And I was naive and asked if you were psychic but you laughed and shook your head before you pointed to my board with all my information and you grinned.

You were so honest, Minghao.

You were so incredibly honest that it hurt to lie to you.

Not that I ever did.

I kind of just felt that kind of radiating aura from you and I trusted in that feeling.

"Can we be friends? I'm Xu Minghao!" You exclaimed and from the accent I could tell you weren't Korean. You held out your hand but I was too short and ended up climbing out of the bed to go and shake your hand.

The nurse had come to check on you after and started scolding me for getting out when I was sick.

I just shrugged and told her I'd always be sick so it didn't matter.

You weren't stupid, Minghao, so I think that when I said that, you caught on.

After the nurse left, you'd made it your job show me everything friends did with each other and it made me really happy.

One night, we even took you in your wheelchair and raced down the corridors until the nurse caught us and the doctors- the doctors were laughing and smiling at us Minghao.

My heart and chest felt so warm that I couldn't believe it.

And then one day, you were discharged.

The doctors said I cried for a really long time because the next day, you'd visited but the light around you was gone and it scared me.

It should have, was my thoughts from my older self to my younger self.

Your dad came to fetch you and when you took his hand, I heard your conversation.

"Don't ever play with that boy again, understood? You'll become sick like him," the tall male said to you.

I had such high expectations, Minghao.

I expected you to defend me. But you didn't and your next words drove me insane. It drove me into my first anxiety attack and it drove me back into the dark; the very dark you saved me from.

"Yes, pappi."

And that was the first time I'd watched you turn your back on me and leave.

I screamed your name for hours and hours until my voice broke and I couldn't speak for days after that.

Not that I ever wanted to.

That was the first time I'd ever wished my sickness would eat me up so nobody could fix me.

What horrible thoughts for a child, don't you think?

Written to you
With.....love
Lee Jihoon