I want to hug you but I can't.

I want to kiss you but I can't.

I want to show how much I love you but I can't.

When did loving someone become this difficult?

When did wanting to be happy become this complicated?

Am I asking for too much? 

Is it too much to ask for freedom? Freedom to express how I feel towards you. Freedom to show how much I love you.

I can't help it when I see people getting near you, touching you, messing with you. I don't like it when I'm not the reason behind your smile, behind your laugh.

I don't care if they call me selfish. I don't care what people say. What matters is you. What matters is this feeling I have for you.

Things happened so fast, so unexpectedly. I never thought that I'll fall for someone like you. At first I only see you as a companion, a fellow trainee, a bandmate, a groupmate, a friend, a best friend. I never thought that my feelings would turn into something like this, something beyond of what it should be. I tried to deny it at first, thinking that it would go away, that this is something temporary. But guess it doesn't work that way. The more I deny it, the more it blooms. The more I hide it, the more it wants to be free.

One day, it hit me. Maybe I did fall for you. Maybe I did fall for my best friend. At first I was excited with the idea. It give me feelings I don't understand but at the same time I don't want to stop. 

But then realization hit me. 

Hard.

This can't be. These feelings, they aren't suppose to be like this. What would he think of me if I confess this feelings to him? Will he accept it? Will he think it's weird and reject me? I want to take the risk and try. Try asking him. Try to give "us" a chance. But the same time I'm scared, that things might not go the way I wanted and we'll start to drift apart. That's what I'm afraid of - him being away from me. At that moment, I chose to stay silent. I'll just keep this feelings for a while, just until I'm sure that "us" could be possible.

Days, weeks, months and years have passed. We changed, physically that is, but you - you remained beautiful or maybe you've gotten more beautiful. You look like an angel, a gem that need to be protected, to be treasured, to be loved. You're so precious that everyone wants you. Everyone including me.

Throughout those years, one thing hasn't changed and that is this heart still beats for you. It still screams your name. It still wants nobody but you and you alone.

My heart says go for it. My mind says think about it. It's confusing. Everything seems so complicated. Is this really what happens when you love someone? You get confuse but throughout all the confusion, you're certain of one thing - that you want no one but him.

I want to take the risk. I don't want to waste anymore time. It's now or never. If I don't say it now, when will I? When it's too late? When you're in someone's arms? When you're hearts beats for someone like how my heart beats for you? No I won't let that happen, not now, not ever.

With an anxious heart, sweating hands and trembling voice, I say those words - 

"I love you Minki-ya."

Your eyes widened as I say those words. I can see how those tears started to build up at the corner of your beautiful eyes. I came closer so I can wipe those tears but each step I make, you take a step back. It looks like you're going away from me.

No. Minki please, no.

"Why?" You asked. "Why now? Why just now?!"

You keep asking in between your cries. Guess I pick the wrong timing, but when will it be right? I just want him to know these things before it's too late.

"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear those words from you. But..."

I looked at you and smiled as I hear those words. This means that "we" have a chance. But as you continue your words, my smile slowly faded and it seems like my whole world got crashed right in front of me.

"...why now when I already have someone."

I'm late. It's too late. I thought it's the right time but I guess timing isn't on my side.

If only I was a little braver. If only I took the risk. If only I took the chance. Then maybe...

I could have been yours.

You could have been mine.

My Minki.

Jonghyun's Minki.