“What will you do if one day, an important person in your life decides to leave?” Joohyun snuggles into Seulgi’s embrace, absentmindedly running her finger along the threads on the woolen sweater. Winter is Joohyun's nemesis because she hated the cold but ironically, it is Joohyun's favorite weather to cuddle up with her girlfriend without an excuse to seek warmth.

“I’ll try to keep that person.”

“How?” 

“I don’t know,” Joohyun yawns when Seulgi’s fingers bury into her hair, pulling her into a slumber when it gently drew pictures on her scalp, “Talk it out, make myself enough to make that person stay.”

“What if it’s not your fault? What if that person doesn’t love you anymore?” 

“I believe it takes two hands to clap, Seul. There must be something I’ve done that caused the person to feel this way.” 

“Maybe,” Seulgi chuckles against her forehead,” You’re always so selfless, it’s kind of painful.”

“I have you, so it’s okay.” Joohyun whispers, eyes heavy as sleep embraced her body. 

“What if... that person doesn’t want to stay anymore? 

“Then I’ll have to let that person go. If that person is unhappy with me, I’ll have to let that person go.”

“What if...”

“Seulgi,” Joohyun whines, “What is the context of this? Why do you have so many questions today?”

Seulgi laughs under her breath and lets Joohyun sinks deeper into the curves of her body. Joohyun hums a tune of satisfaction, closing her eyes to the warmth emitting from her girlfriend's slender frame. 

“What if...” Joohyun opens  to protest. 

“What if, I’m the one who wants to leave?” 

Day 1:

Joohyun wakes up to the sound of her blaring alarm with a throbbing head and swollen eyes.

“Seulgi?” Joohyun calls out hoarsely, her mind looping the events of the night before and Joohyun gripped on to the illusion that it was a nightmare. The side of her bed is empty and Joohyun ignored the ache in her limbs. 

“Seulgi, where are you?” The silence was the only noise that greeted her and Joohyun felt her heart crumbled again because reality hurts.

“What are you saying?”

“Unnie,” Seulgi whispered and it pained her to hear Seulgi calling her that again instead of Joohyun. She was still cradled safely in strong arms but the pair of brown eyes that used to stare at her affectionately is replaced with apologies, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t understand,” Joohyun broke free from the chains of sleep, untangled herself from the warmth to let the situation sink in- the blood rushing and maddeningly pounding in her ears.

“When...”

“It’s been a while but I didn’t know how to break this to you.” Seulgi sighed with guilt and fidgetted restlessly which Joohyun recognized as a sign of nervousness. 

“What did I do wrong?”

Joohyun stared at Seulgi, hoping to find the source of their problems and realized the shade of her lipstick is different. They used to share the same shade of lipstick because it’s easier to hide the face that they had sneaked off at work to steal kisses in the pantry. Seulgi caught her line of sight and pressed fingers to lips, face painted with guilt. 

“Yeah,” She whispered, “I changed it.”

“I know,” Joohyun lied. Joohyun did not know. She had not noticed the black in Seulgi’s hair which was originally burgundy, the new watch on Seulgi’s wrist, a black earring instead of her usual silver ones- and these little details placed the distance between Joohyun and Seulgi. Joohyun had not realized the changes in their dynamics but somehow, she knew it's too late to notice all these now.

“It’s not your fault.”

Of course, Seulgi would have said that but it didn’t make Joohyun feel any less miserable. 

“Then why?” Joohyun swallowed the lump in and struggled to keep her head above water. 

“I just...”

It’s true when they say the truth hurts more. Joohyun wishes that Seulgi knew how to lie instead of being that honest girl she fell in love with. 

“I’ve forgotten how to love you.”

Joohyun nurses her headache with a cup of tea, feeling fresh tears blurring her vision at the lack of bright laughter and morning hugs. She contemplates her time because she had applied for three weeks of leave to spend time with Seulgi. They were planning to take a short trip to Daegu later this week and travel to the other regions to explore. Knowing the workaholic Seulgi is, she would have gone back to work today and answer her colleagues' questions with that stupid smile on of her face like everything was okay. There is no way that Joohyun is going to playfully nudge Seulgi, pretend that everything between them is fine and fake that she isn’t still in love with Seulgi. Right on cue, her phone buzz with a notification from a colleague that says  “Sorry, we’ve heard about it.” 

Joohyun hates sympathetic remarks because she wasn’t sure if their concern were genuine or if it curiosity speaking. She replies with simple a “Thank you”- void of emotions and leeway to continue the conversation, silenced her phone and left it on the table. She heaves a breathy sigh and wipes the tears that made it past the gates of her eyes. There is no way she is going back to work. Joohyun stood up and scans the house, feeling every reminder of Seulgi breathing memories that seep into her bones. Joohyun spent an hour clearing up some visible reminders of Seulgi, barely keeping her sobs at bay and left the house to take a breather from the suffocating space that held shattered pieces of happier times.

Joohyun’s feet move on autopilot and draws her into the cafe that serves her a great cup of hot chocolate every morning. 

“Good morning, Miss Irene!” Joohyun chuckles at the greeting from the purple- haired barista who serves her every morning, rain or shine. The bright smile momentarily eased that throb in her chest and Joohyun waves, a smile tugging at her lips when the barista’s smile widens to reveal pearly whites. 

“A cup of hot chocolate for you and a cup of cappuccino for Miss Seulgi?” Joohyun is caught off guard and she stares in alarm. The name started tearing down the walls that Irene sloppily raised since she stepped out of the apartment. 

“No,” Joohyun’s voice quavers, “Just a cup of hot chocolate for me, please.”

The barista’s eyebrows vanished under her fringe, her eyes darting around anxiously. She mutters a quick apology. Joohyun bows her head to hide the tears, her onyx hair shields the hurt evident in her face.

"Having here?" Joohyun notices that her voice has softened, the usual cheeriness replaced with a gentle warmth.

“Yeah. That would be great.”

“I’ll have it sent over to you, Miss Irene.” Joohyun places some cash on the counter and walks away. She found an empty spot at the far end of the cafe away from the hustle and bustle. It was amusing to watch people in the maddening morning rush while she seeks comfort in the warmth of the cafeteria, thinking about nothing and everything. Joohyun's phone vibrates in her coat pocket and she fishes it out to see two missed calls and four unread messages from Sooyoung. It's amazing how fast news spreads. Joohyun reckons it's okay to not replying because she doesn't need a breakdown in public. 

Sooyoung had always reminded her not to make homes out of people because a home made of bricks and steel would collapse in the harshest condition; what can one expect from a home, made of blood and flesh? Joohyun guesses it’s her own downfall that she had never heeded her friends’ advice seriously. 

"Here," Joohyun lifts her head enough to acknowledge the barista's presence. A muffin accompanies the cup of hot chocolate that Joohyun has paid for.

"This is on the house." The barista's velvety voice laced with a hint of a smile made Joohyun bites back the harsh remark that sits on her lips.

Don't take pity on me

"Thank you," Joohyun replies instead. A piece of paper with the change is slide into her hand, with a gentle pat and the barista is out of sight. 

Joohyun cracks a smile at the loopy handwriting on the napkin. She tucks the note into her coat and mindlessly stares out of the window- the kind barista dropping by with more cups of hot chocolate and pastries till the shop closes for the day. Joohyun only mutters her gratitude when the barista refuses to accept payment for the food, a silent command in her actions that encourages Joohyun that everything will be fine.

Joohyun's heart warms at the concern painted on the barista's face, waving goodnight as she left the shop. The sickening feeling of emptiness fills her guts as she steps into the apartment which she now calls home without the signature scent of orange from Seulgi. Tears threaten to spill and Joohyun pulls out the napkin crumbled in her pocket, scoffing lightly.

Smile not because it is over, but because it happened.

Not now, but maybe one day. Maybe one day, Joohyun could look back and smile at the memories she shared with Seulgi.