TITLE 5/5

Short and sweet, sets the tone for the story.

DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD 5/10

I might be biased, but I love summaries like yours. Short, emotional, and gathers interest. It leaves readers wondering why Jungkook and Jin broke up and how, and if they will get back together during the story.

However, it doesn't really tease the plot at all and I think you should consider writing more. Maybe mention that Jungkook and Jin haven't seen eachother in a long time but now have to act together.

PLOT 15/25

So! You're concerned that your story is confusing, and I see that you even got a comment about this (which, by the way, was rude. It wasn't constructive at all and therefore a useless comment. People on the internet can be so mean). I'm going to be honest, it is confusing. You have this wonderful idea for a non-linear narrative that keeps its secrets, which is very complex. I admire you for trying it! I know that you can edit it into what you want it to be, and I'm excited to see how you can improve. Now, onto my advice.

The backstory comes fairly late in the game. It starts with this line, "Jungkook didn’t know that he would fall this hard for someone who’s throwing dad jokes randomly at their first meet." Which means that for the first scene and character introductions, the reader has no idea how Jungkook and Jin know each other or for how long, their relationship status, and whether or not this is an AU.

However, I'm not saying you should move that paragraph to to the start of the story. I think that it works nicely where it is and that you should keep it, but you need additional information given to Jin's introduction. This can be as simple as, "Jungkook looked up and found Jin, (his bf/ his co-worker/ an actor from his agency), sitting quietly beside him."

That's the easy part. Next, you should establish a timeline earlier on so that readers will have a more defined image of Jungkook and Jin's relationship, and a better sense of their history. Everytime you've written that something has happened in the past, see if you can change the sentence to be more specific about how long ago it happened.

For example, "Jin rarely visits him in his dance studio because he knew the younger wouldn’t stop practicing until he got the perfection he wants." is vague. It tries to establish character (Jungkook is a workaholic and Jin is nurturing) but falls short. By setting it within a frame of time, "(In the time Jin has known Jungkook/ In their (#) years of working together/ Since they met (however) long ago/ After (#) years...)", I now know that Jungkook is routinely overworking himself and Jin has been witness to this.

The extra details you provide about their first meeting and subsequent falling in love can stay, and will serve as good reinforcement for what the reader already knows as an established relationship. After you've set up the foundation above, you can strengthen this timeline by being more specific in the backstory paragraph.

"That time Jungkook still a member in rookie a group with Taehyung and Jimin." How long ago?

"Jin was new actor." Had he acted in anything yet, or had he recently joined the company?

One of the main problems I'm having is that I don't know what happens in real life and what is part of the movie that Jin and Jungkook are shooting. This is partly because there's no indication that Jungkook and Jin are going to be acting together until it's already happened, and as a result I have no idea when the filming started. I found myself wondering if the flashback at the start was part of the filming, if the bar scene was part of the filming, and that left me with a lot of questions that the story doesn't answer. It also leaves the readers unsure of how much Jungkook improvised because of his unresolved feelings for Jin, which dampens the impact of the unscripted kiss.

You start the story in the middle of action so the following advice is going to sound pretty much impossible, but you can do it. Work in some more exposition, and don't be afraid to give the reader backstory because I promise it won't kill your flow. Earlier, I mentioned introducing how Jungkook and Jin know each other and establishing whether or not this is an AU, and that will help immensely. After that, try and find a spot to mention that Jungkook and Jin are going to be filming together. That's actually a rich source of drama, honestly, depending on when you want to introduce it. If they've already broken up then it's tense and awkward, and Jungkook is bound to be in a lot of pain. Seeing the storm of emotions that Jungkook feels upon learning that he's going to be filming with Jin would be very rewarding to the reader.

Here are some resources I found about how to write flashbacks, how to decide if your story needs a flashback, and how to utilize your flashbacks effectively:

https://www.nownovel.com/blog/incorporate-flashbacks-flashbacks-into-a-story/

https://www.standoutbooks.com/writing-flashbacks/

https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/most-common-mistakes-series-are-your-2/

FLOW 0/10

Don't be discouraged! Your flow is almost entirely dependent on your grammar and the issues I mentioned above.

CHARACTERIZATION 15/25

Showing character in short stories is difficult, just because you have so little room to spend on developing character traits and personality. You have some leeway in fanfic, where most readers go in with expectations of the characters involved, but that doesn't mean that you can forgo it all together.

My advice is to use every single sentence in your story to show character, and do some character study exercises. Challenge yourself to establish a character in 2,000 words, then drop to 1,000 words, now down to 500 words, and then see if you can do it in 100 words.

Take advantage of things like posture, clothes and accessories, hairstyle, makeup and piercings, bad habits, nervous habits, quirks, speech pattern and slang. Personalize everything about your character. Separate them from others.

What does your character's room look like, and what could a reader learn about that character from the room? Come up with excuses or reasons for their laundry hamper full of clean laundry, the shoe scuffs on their ceiling, the writing hidden under posters.

Practice a scene of two characters meeting for the first time, from each perspective. What's the first thing that the other character notices? What stands out? Behaviour is the first thing we notice about other people, and we make judgements based on their behaviour. Alternative: write a scene where one character is staring at another from across a public place, falling in love with them.

Most importantly: follow through. If you've set up that a character is a perfectionist and never satisfied with themself, make that shine through at every possible opportunity.

Here are some articles on characterization and character development!

https://www.nownovel.com/blog/character-development-tips/

https://refiction.com/articles/direct-and-indirect-characterization

https://www.ibuzzle.com/articles/the-art-of-characterization-in-short-stories.html

https://www.nownovel.com/blog/characterization-examples-5-ways/

GRAMMAR/SPELLING 10/25

In the description you mention that English isn't your first language, but you should have more confidence in your English skills! It's obvious that you try your hardest and you should be proud. Most of the grammar mistakes you've made are common even among native English speakers. Also, rules are meant to be broken. As long as you know what you're doing then go wild!

Personally, I love commas, comma splices, fragment sentences, and run-on sentences. It's taken me a bit to learn how to balance proper grammar and the improper grammar that I consider part of my style, and it isn't appealing to everyone, but it feels natural to me and allows me to unlock my creativity.

Firstly, I want to point out that dialogue should always end with either a dialogue tag or description of the person speaking. Every time you have Jungkook reacting to something Jin said or vice versa, start a new paragraph. Having description of Jungkook following Jin's dialogue in the same paragraph is confusing, and your reader is likely to lose track of who is speaking.

Now, onto run-on sentences, rambling sentences, and overuse of commas.

"Jungkook looks at Seokjin who’s currently standing in front of him, with those teary eyes, his lips trembling, and his hands hangs beside him, clenching fist tightly as if he ready to punch Jungkook anytime." This is a very long sentence! It's also rambling.

First, try to say this in less words. "Jungkook looks at Seokjin in front of him," is a good start. You can do the same with "Clenching his fists tightly as if he is ready to punch Jungkook."

Next, let's look at how many commas are in this sentence and which ones you could do without. Try replacing a comma in this sentence with "and" and see where that takes you.

Maybe, "With those teary eyes and his lips trembling," or, "With those teary eyes and trembling lips."

Now, try splitting this sentence up. After "lips trembling," end the sentence and delete the "and". (I want you to feel in control of the edits that you make, as if this is a conversation between us where you have the final say, so I'm using your original text and not my suggested edits for this part).

This is what you're left with: "Jungkook looks at Seokjin who's currently standing in front of him, with those teary eyes, his lips trembling. His hands hangs beside him, clenching fist tightly as if he ready to punch Jungkook anytime." Two sentences that still have problems but are more approachable from an editing standpoint.

Personally, I would edit out the words "currently", and "anytime", because you are writing in present-tense and those are implied.

Let's try again with the next sentence!

"Jungkook on the other side, has look on his face where he can’t say anything at the moment, he just want to stare at Jin’s face and that time the memories playing in his mind, the days where Jin was smiling brightly that beats the sun, the day where Seokjin was his."

Condensing: It isn't necessary to specify that Jungkook is on the other side of Jin as we already know they are facing each other. "And that time" is also not needed, as you are writing in present-tense, and everything is assumed to be happening as we read.

After that, you can try t the first part of the sentence down to "Jungkook is speechless," which implies what Jungkook's face is doing, or "Jungkook looks shocked/dumbfounded/lost," which implies that he is speechless.

From there, you can try replacing commas.

Replacing commas: Taking away the comma after "moment" and using "and" instead, you get "He can't say anything at the moment and he just want to stare at Jin's face..."

Splitting the sentence up: "Jungkook on the other side, has look on his face where he can't say anything at the moment. He just want to stare at Jin's face and that time the memories playing in his mind, the days where Jin was smiling brightly that beats the sun, the day where Seokjin was his."

I want to ask about your word choice for a moment. Does Jungkook want to be staring at Jin's face, unable to say anything, while lost in memories? Or is the emotional weight of the situation freezing him to the spot, leaving him with no choice but stare and relive memories?

Deciding when to end a sentence is hard! I read my work out loud and that helps me find issues, like too many commas or not enough commas. When I come to a natural pause, I add a comma. When I start to get out of breath, I end the sentence. I've also put my writing through Chrome extensions that read it back to me, which basically did the same thing but removed my bias, and you could even enlist a friend to do the same.

Run-on sentences aren't always long and rambling, which is the worst part about trying to spot and correct them in your writing. Below are links to resources that deal with run-on sentences that might not be long.

For the record, I have language and communication learning disabilities, and sometimes the only way information will make sense to me is if it's aimed at younger teenagers or children. The information is the same, but it's usually presented in a more accessible way (smaller and less complex sentences with less words, plain language and more explanations of terms, bigger text). If you find that the resources I've given you are filled with jargon and expect you to know more about grammar than you do, please message me and I can find some other resources for you!

https://ca.ixl.com/ela/grade-11/identify-run-on-sentences

Here's a game that tests you on how well you can identify run-on sentences. This website has similar games for lower and higher grade levels, so you can work at your own pace. (I would probably have to start at grade 9 XD)

http://www.webster.edu/academic-resource-center/writingcenter/writing-tips/runon.html

http://www.butte.edu/departments/cas/tipsheets/grammar/run_ons.html

http://www.k5learning.com/blog/what-are-run-sentences

http://www.sfu.ca/~gmccarro/Grammar/Runon_sentences.html

And here are some resources on long and rambling sentences.

https://quietroom.co.uk/general/how-to-break-flong-sentences/

This one is directed at business writers and copywriters, but it still has some good information that applies to fiction.

https://www.aims.edu/student/online-writing-lab/process/sentence-length

Specifically about connecting phrases with conjunction words in essays.

https://www.thoughtco.com/rambling-and-run-on-sentences-1857155

Gives an overview of what makes up a sentence, which is nice because I actually don't know how to...explain that? Because English is my native language, there are some things that I learned indirectly just by being surrounded by the language my whole life, and that puts me at a disadvantage for helping people with specific grammar issues.

http://www.phschool.com/atschool/writing_grammar_08/grade6/exercise_bank/pdf/GEW_06_SE_pg75.pdf

A worksheet! Practice splitting a long sentence into shorter sentences. Remember that, because you write fiction, you are allowed to break the rules after you've learned them.

Lastly, I have some apps that will highlight issues for you.

https://www.grammarly.com

Grammarly is an editing software that works much better than Microsoft Word or your browser's spell check. Grammarly goes beyond spelling and grammar to also help you choose stronger words.

https://readable.io/text/ readable.io will check how easy your writing is to read! It gives you a percentage that lets you know what level of education your reader would have to have in order to understand your writing. There are four types of test to use, and each will give you a slightly different result because they check for different things. I think the Gunning Fog index is most useful for fiction writers. https://readable.io/content/the-gunning-fog-index

https://www.slickwrite.com/#!home

slickwrite, like Grammarly, is a powerhouse of a tool that I think every writer should use! Slickwrite was made for writers and is very in-depth. It can help you with stylistic choices, vocabulary, and flow. It keeps track of long sentences, passive voice, when you're being wordy and vague, using weak descriptors, and when you've misplaced a conjunction or preposition.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (BONUS POINTS) 5/10

This story has a lot of potential. You have a lot of potential. It's difficult to write things that are non-linear and secretive, but it was ambitious of you to try and now you're starting to get a hang of it! Ambition and tenacity are great traits to have as a writer, and I believe in you!!

Good luck.

I'd love to read an edited copy!

TOTAL 55/100

A/N: hello everyone!! this took me so long. i've started everyone's reviews, but i've been so busy that keeping up with them has been difficult. if you have any problems or would like to cancel your request, pelase message me!